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Thread: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

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    Senior Member mm621's Avatar
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    Default Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    So this is another "stripping vs boyfriend" thread-- deep down I think I know what I need to do... But I think I just need somewhere to dump my guilt. Lol

    so I have been dancing since September 2013, with a few month break in October/November (due to moving). I was single when I went back to dancing, and planned on being that way for a very long time (commitment issues lol). Fast forward to August of last year, I meet a guy. I didn't bother telling him I dance, because I didn't know how serious we would be. Another part of me didn't want to him to not give me a chance. I have a day job, so omitting this information was easy to do. We were dating exclusively for three months (though not official), and I didn't bother telling him, because we were "just dating." Once we got official, and started talking about the future (not marriage or anything like that, but just us being long term), I realize I have two options. 1. Quit dancing or 2. Come clean. The risk of coming clean though, is the fact that he would very much be upset that this entire time, he was basically being lied to. I could quit, but I want to save at least 10k and throw it into an investment account before I do that. That way, I can make that amount continue to grow so that I CAN quit dancing if I need to. I can keep hiding it from him, but if we ever decide to move in together, I have the "quit or come clean" dilemma again. Also, the more I continue to do it behind his back, my risk for being "outed" by one of his friends (should they come to my club, though they haven't yet) increases... And I definitely don't want him to find out that way, either.

    My my other issue is that our relationship is pretty new. We talk about being long term, but that doesn't mean that will happen. Do I really want to lose out on the potential earnings for some guy who may or may not be "the one?" However, being in this relationship also makes stripping feel.... Almost wrong. Just for me, I really only want my boyfriend to be so intimidate with me. Of course I don't give extras, but let's face it, stripping is a very personal thing. You get so close to customers, faking intimacy, hell, even get groped countless times a day. I know it's technically not cheating, but in a way, is it? He would probably look at it that way, and I wouldn't blame him. /:

    i'm in iy strictly for the money. I got into it when I was out of a job and had a dwindling savings account, and I've stayed for the money. It's allowed me to save, move, and fix my car when it needed repairs. It's also bought me some frivolous things here and there... But now I'm in the mindset of wanting to put everything aside and invest it... So like I said earlier, when it comes to quitting time, at least I'll have something to show for it... But I don't know how long I can keep this up without him knowing. /:

    i I feel like if I want to keep him, I need to quit. I've already gone too long keeping it a secret, that by coming clean NOW would definitely ruin the relationship. /: honestly, if my financial goals were met, I'd have an easier time quitting. But they haven't yet. Arghhhh. I dug myself in quite a hole here, I realize that. Anyone have any advice, or similar experiences to share? Haha

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    usually i think girls shouldnt quit because their bf disapproves but considering youre hiding it from him, you feel like its so intimate it's cheating, it's so personal, honestly it seems like you shouldnt be dancing. these types of thoughts and feelings toward dancing just arent healthy and you should get out before you solidify self loathing.

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    Senior Member mm621's Avatar
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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Quote Originally Posted by charlotte. View Post
    usually i think girls shouldnt quit because their bf disapproves but considering youre hiding it from him, you feel like its so intimate it's cheating, it's so personal, honestly it seems like you shouldnt be dancing. these types of thoughts and feelings toward dancing just arent healthy and you should get out before you solidify self loathing.
    I'm saying I feel intimate with the customers.. More so that it can be taken that way because you're simulating it-- I feel like it sort of crosses a line. And I feel like he would consider it cheating. I don't know. Lol I'm just feeling guilty.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Honestly, after bad experiences with partners and this job, I would probably gauge his reaction with a comment like, "I used to do xyz, the money was great and I'm considering doing it again in the near future. How would you feel about that?" (or, simply announce that you are "going back" if you are not looking for his approval so to speak). If he flips out, is upset, repulsed or completely against it-it's time to move on. If he is supportive, then you can be "out" and continue the relationship to see where it goes.

    Don't feel too guilty, you went into the relationship with no expectations (a lot of dancers don't disclose their jobs early on). Hopefully, everything works out and if not, at least you are dealing with this now, before it gets too serious.

    Best of luck x
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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    I was in the same situation a few years ago. I had been stripping for a few years and then met a guy, after a few months of dating i began feeling guilty for not telling him. I wasnt sure if i should tell him i strip but I had a day job also. I instead said I did web cam once in a while on the side when I needed extra cash. He freaked out. He made me promise not to do it anymore. I then realized how jealous and insecure he was. I think a guy should accept you for you and if you don't want to give up stripping you should not allow a guy to make you. He should know that it's just a job and nothing else.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Honesty, I almost always think girls should pick this job over the guy. Unless he's really 'the one' or if he's going to take care of you- unless you really feel like this guy is just 'it', keep dancing. If he can't handle it is he really that great anyway?

    Sorry if I sound too blunt, but guys come and go- with dancing, you've gotta maximize each year you can physically and mentally do it. Sometimes that window of time is very short. And especially since you say this relationship is new- I would be honest with him, see how he takes it. If he's fine with it, great! If not, move on. BOL girlie!
    "These lumps- I know you wanna slump up on these lumps! But you can't cause you're a chump- a chuuuump."
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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    I totally understand how feel about the whole intimacy thing. Even though you're not doing extras, you're still flirting with guys, sitting on their laps, flaunting your ass/tits etc. So in my book, if you say a girl in lingerie, sitting on a guys lap, laughing and flirting with him, wouldn't you consider it cheating?
    I guess what it really comes down to is, how would your life be if you didn't have the extra income versus how would you're life be if he wasn't in your life. If you need the money and don't want to be in the same position you were before you started stripping, I would say pick the job. But either way I think you should just be honest with him. It's definitely not too late to be honest. Better he hears it from you than from someone else. Also say he is the one, when will you tell him? 10 years from now? How do you think he'd feel if you continued to keep it from him? Would you really want someone who kept a secret from you for so long? Also would you want to be with someone who is very opposed to stripping? Honestly just do whatever you think is right.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    On the one hand, you really don't owe anybody your private life details when you are in the beginning stages of dating, but on the other hand, once you start talking about being "serious," there are certain things that should be disclosed so everyone can make their own decisions regarding comfort levels. Stripping falls into this terrible limbo of understandably not being something you just blurt out on a first date, but also something that a guy should probably know about before making the decision to be "serious." When to tell is such a tricky issue, but if you've already hit "exclusive" territory, he'd probably be upset now that he committed without knowing.

    I agree with OliveJardin on testing the waters with a conversation about how you "used to" dance and want to go back because of certain financial goals. The time for just coming clean without a bad reaction to being lied to seems to have passed. If he freaks out and doesn't want you to "go back" to dancing, you can make your decision on dancing vs. him from there. If he's cool with it, just keep doing your thing.
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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    You need to get this out in the open now, before the relationship gets any more serious. I understand keeping your job secret when you first meet someone, but as soon as the desire to take the relationship to the next level comes up in your mind, you need to tell your future S.O. about stripping.

    I've seen otherwise happy marriages come apart when 10-15-20 years later it came out that one member of the couple had worked as a stripper (I've know ex-male strippers as well as ex-female strippers end up in divorce court when their long ago jobs were found out thanks to the internet).

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    I get both sides of it but honestly it's paying bills. What I never get is how a guy thinks it's ok to go to a strip club and pay for services for his "fun" yet seems to have an issue with a woman he's with doing it for WORK.

    This is the problem that I have because one is enjoyment and one is a job. If he's paying all of your bills and giving you money? Fine. If not sorry men will come and go but survival will always take center stage over any man.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    I just met a guy same situation and typically I don't even regular date. I told him the truth right away and even though he has the financials to provide he gave me the " wouldn't you enjoy not relying on men for your bills". I almost heard wouldn't you enjoy winning lotto and becoming a millionaire? He's ok with camming but obviously had an issue with sugar dating. I really don't give a shit. So I told him well that's why I don't date ( in my head I said " for free"). I don't have the time. Funny we looked up his horoscope and it said in bold letters "Selfish". I thought well there's that. He jokingly says he's a catch but selfish comfortable men don't provide comfort. So he could be completely broke and it would feel exactly the same. So my attitude is really that he would probably do best dating women his own age that are more so financially stable. *shrugs*

    It's funny he doesn't seem to understand why there are so many female profiles on the same site that say "no one over 30" no one over 40" no one over 50" Hellooo.

    I ended the following day with " I have a sugar pot date this week" in other words.... I'm going to keep on dating men that have more to offer and are willing to part with their offerings. That's that. When I have time then I'll chat with him but if I have time then I'm not working hard enough.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Quote Originally Posted by OliveJardin View Post
    Honestly, after bad experiences with partners and this job, I would probably gauge his reaction with a comment like, "I used to do xyz, the money was great and I'm considering doing it again in the near future. How would you feel about that?" (or, simply announce that you are "going back" if you are not looking for his approval so to speak). If he flips out, is upset, repulsed or completely against it-it's time to move on. If he is supportive, then you can be "out" and continue the relationship to see where it goes.

    Don't feel too guilty, you went into the relationship with no expectations (a lot of dancers don't disclose their jobs early on). Hopefully, everything works out and if not, at least you are dealing with this now, before it gets too serious.

    Best of luck x
    This. Tell him that you used to dance and are going to start dancing again. Don't ask for permission. Just tell him you're going to do it.

    No man worth your time is going to give you any shit about it. Also, telling him up front is no guarantee that it won't become a problem later on. I dated someone who, after several months, cultivated a problem with it. But, seriously, quit when YOU want to, not when a man guilt trips you into it.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    I'm going to be blunt here. You should tell him about your job before things go too far and see if hes okay with it. If not, I would choose the job over him unless he plans on supporting you financially. If he has any level of maturity he would understand that you need to support yourself, and minimum wage jobs don't cut it.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Honestly I feel like if you're not married or living together it's none of his business.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    The more important question is: Why are you stripping? Yes, pay bills etc. But what else are you doing? Are you planning to find 'normal' work? Are you doing both, and just dancing to make it to the end of the month? Because if dancing is all that there is, I can guarantee you 99% of the men out there will have a problem with that. Big problem. But if it is "I'm only dancing for the $$ so that I can pay for my law school (lol..I use that all the time)", then they have a sense that there is an endpoint to this, and some might be okay. But if you are a 30 year old dancer, with no real backup Plan B in the background, that's all you got and ain't nobody going to be okay with that. And if they do, you really have to ask yourself, what kind of man would be okay with that in the first place?

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Money over dick. End of story. Unless it's Rupert Murdoch on his deathbed with you as sole beneficiary.
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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Quote Originally Posted by JadeG View Post
    If dancing is all that there is, I can guarantee you 99% of the men out there will have a problem with that.
    Then I don't want to date 99% of the men out there.

    Quote Originally Posted by JadeG View Post
    ...ain't nobody going to be okay with that. And if they do, you really have to ask yourself, what kind of man would be okay with that in the first place?
    The kind of man who's secure in himself, who understands that stripping is not whoring, maybe who even gets off a little bit on his woman being desirable and beautiful and then coming home to him at the end of the night. Like the man I married.

    Take your judgmental, slut-shaming shit elsewhere. I run into customers with this attitude often and it pisses me the fuck off. What, it's only OK if I'm stripping because I don't want to? I'm only a good girl if I was forced into this situation somehow? What absolute garbage. I like dancing naked, and I like making money doing it, and I like that it's part time, and I like watching my savings account grow, and that doesn't devalue me as a person in any way because my value as a human being isn't tied to some backwards notion of sexual purity.

    Getting back to the question: I do feel like a significant other has the right to know about this job. And if he leaves? He wasn't the right one in the first place, and didn't deserve you. Easy for me to say, I know, since I'm not risking losing anyone...but if anything, you'll learn something very important about this guy.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    I almost always think girls should pick this job over the guy. Unless he's really 'the one' or if he's going to take care of you- unless you really feel like this guy is just 'it', keep dancing. If he can't handle it is he really that great anyway?

    Sorry if I sound too blunt, but guys come and go- with dancing, you've gotta maximize each year you can physically and mentally do it. Sometimes that window of time is very short. And especially since you say this relationship is new- I would be honest with him, see how he takes it. If he's fine with it, great! If not, move on. BOL girlie!
    Indeed it's worth keeping in mind that a girl who decides to quit dancing is incurring a 'lost opportunity cost'. Or put bluntly, any decision by a dancer in her 'prime earnings window' to quit dancing in order to make a guy happy will result in $1000 per week ( or whatever ) in lost income potential. At a 'cost' of $50,000+ per year, or a 'cost' of $35,000 per year if you wind up working at a menial job the guy is comfortable with, the guy had better be DAMN special !!!

    Again, put bluntly, a girl's decision to sacrifice that sort of earnings potential will in fact permanently 'damage' her future financial situation in a manner that can never be recovered via her own efforts. The 'prime earnings window' for dancers cannot simply be extended extra years because the effects of age can't be stopped. And the 'power of compound interest' cannot be extended retroactively to money that could have been saved / invested but wasn't.

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    Default Re: Well haven't I got into quite a pickle!

    Thanks everyone! ❤️ I haven't abandoned this thread-- just thinking hard about what is more important to me. I'll be ready to quit within 1-2 years, but after counting my money, I'm not ready to quit yet. I've been spending too much, lately. /:

    I know I can't hide it forever. Looks like it's time I talk with him. Lol

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