There's been a lot of talk about extras on the board lately, and I have a theory that has been influenced by both my own experiences and friends' in the dating world. Everyone has that friend that is super promiscuous, on all the online dating sites, and has a new guy in her life every 5 minutes. Let's talk about her. She's basically the "extras" girl of the vanilla sex world, if you will. She dates guys for 1 week to years with no commitments expected. She does "friends with benefits" or is in an "open relationship", or just plain doesn't care because she's averaging 3 guys in the sack a week. She expects nothing except maybe a starbucks coffee, or dinner, or maybe just some wine and netflix. She might even be "that" chick who is so "modern" she expects--and will insist if the situation demands--to pay for her own stuff on the first date. But still promptly follow said dude home and fuck/blow their brains out. I have lots of friends like this. Hell, I've been like this for short periods of time in my life where I either didn't give a fuck, or was too young and stupid to know better. As I've aged up and smartened up, now that I try to demand a certain level of respect from men, and as a result, a form of "compensation" for my sexuality, I'm frequently met with shock, accused of being a prude, or just flat out ignored. These reactions remind me of the reactions of men in the extras clubs I worked in during university. The facial expressions, the asking of "why not?", the refusal to take "no" as an answer and not enter into debate, the inability for me to dictate the terms of my sexuality without question.
Does anyone else feel that modern sexual culture has experienced a huuuuuuge deterioration in the last few years? I'm talking since 2008ish and when smartphones and streaming went mainstream. I'm talking deterioration quality wise. Like intimacy and realness as well as commitment. When I started seeing my first boyfriend in 2010 we had a couple "talks" about the status of our relationship and gradually committed, and he would (shocker) actually call me on the phone a few times a week. Now it seems like the "norm" is casual relationships and people (men and women) get this ghastly, shocked look on their face when you bring up the word "relationship". People flat out tell you they are seeing other people with no shame, and if you're not ok with that kind of arrangement, screw you, there's 200 more girls on tinder or pof or whatever else site just waiting to fuck them and demand nothing in return. The standard of communication is texts, snaps, and facebook messages, all of which are essentially scripted. To meet up with someone in person takes weeks because everyone is so "busy" (myself included) working 2 jobs, answering emails, blogging, social media-ing, etc. It's like people in general are so overwhelmed by so many different things that they can't focus on one person for more than a few hours a week, and the idea of having to do that for a long period of time is just like...no. It's like when we as a society stopped being able to consume copious amounts of consumer goods after the recession and credit crunch, we switched to consuming people. It's like everyone's a celebrity/commodity in their own social mediasphere, and it's like Heidi Fleiss once said "everyone is for sale." Except in a lot of cases, it shouldn't really be called a "sale" because modern young girls aren't getting much out of the deal.
I feel like this phenomenon has a lot to do with the underlying trend in the industry towards extras that's been happening in recent years. People being commodifed is becoming the norm. I think a lot of young girls are starting to see extras as a way to be "compensated" for their sexuality because the traditional forms of compensation have disappeared: love, commitment, intimacy, TRUST. I know I go through phases after particularly terrible casual encounters that end up meaning nothing at all, where I seriously debate trying sugaring as the logic of "well if it's a choice between casual sex that I get nothing out of and casual sex I get something out of..." comes out of the woodwork and I want to smack myself for continuing to try the modern dating phenomenon of casual sex just hoping it will go somewhere nice. I can't be the only female who has these thoughts, and certainly if many other women have thought this, some have acted. People on SW like to blame the economy, LE, and politics for rampant extras. Nope, I blame Tinder and every other app/site like it. For training men that women are sexually available to meet their needs: their needs being sex for nothing, not even respect. It goes back to the days when women were just expected to cater to mens' sexual needs in return for shelter, protection, food, etc. Except now we are expected to cater for NOTHING. Sometimes I don't blame the extras girls for doing what they do, sometimes I think they're damn smart for exploiting one of the last strongholds of female sexuality (or so it seems). I hate extras in the club as much as the next clean dancer but in this modern environment of sexuality? I can't really see things going another way unless there is a massive growing of lady balls in the female population. Thoughts?



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