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Thread: My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

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    Member imaminxkitty's Avatar
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    Default My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

    I had an argument with my mom this evening. She made it seem like my emotions are invalid "because I'm probably high". Which I am NOT. This discussion made me pretty upset and I told her I had to go. "To go get high again?"
    Basically she was just adding fuel to my fire. If any of you know what it's like to be clean but be accused of being high because someone mistrusts you, then you know it SUCKS. Especially when it's a challenge to stay clean.
    Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I'm 20 years old. And I've been feeling like it's time for me to move onto the next chapter of my life and become independent for a while now. Even though my mom says that it's not an issue that I live with her. I think she wants me to live with her forever.. but the thing is I don't want to fall flat on my face if she dies or something.
    I know why she's upset and wants me to stay, but her 'logical' answer to get me to stay is "I want you to go to college first" but I know that's not really why she wants me around. I help out a little bit with my sister, and since she has a personality disorder she has to ride the bus home. The short bus to explain it more easily.. And I told her I'd promise to help with payments on the car but I don't think that really applies anymore, as I may be moving out very soon.
    Anyway.. my thing is I don't want to miss out on life and being independent because my mother is upset about it. I love her to death. She is my best friend. But I feel like it's time. I don't want to be here anymore depending on her only. The only way I'll learn about anything in life is to experience it myself and I know that.
    Anyone ever been in this kind of situation before? Please tell me I'm not alone.. I understand that it's hard for parents to let their children go, but it's my time. I'm 20 years old... I don't want to be the loser in his (her) mother's basement anymore.

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    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re: My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

    I had a friend who was in a somewhat similar situation. Rather than asserting her 'independence', she chose to fulfill her supposed family 'duties' ... which involved continuing to live at 'home', helping to care for her own 'short bus' sister, helping with household living expenses, and after a few years helping to care for her aging mom as well. It literally sucked the life out of my friend, who died last year 30+ years before she should have !!!

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    Senior Member Holly_V's Avatar
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    Default Re: My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

    The fact your mum wants you to stay at home forever suggests there might be a bit of co-dependance going on so it is probably healthy to break that. Even if the relationship is totally normal its natural that at 20 you want to become independant. Its really important to have your own experiences to become confident in your own abilities. Living at home you're going to have responsiblities towards your mum and your sister but it will be healthy for you to be free of that to have fun while your young. I know that sounds a bit selfish but when you're young you need to be a bit selfish, its the one time in life you get to be somewhat carefree.

    I totally sympathise with your mum accusing you of being high just because ypu've had a disagreement. It might be good for you to get away from that criticalness and negativity and give you a bit of breathing space. Also look at why you were using in the first place, was part of it to deal with the pressure at home?

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    Default Re: My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

    You are young and have to live your life they way you feel you need to. Don't let your mom guilt trip you into taking care of HER responsibilities. It sounds like you love your family and the decision is hard for you but you can still come back on your off time to help if needed (or even better hire someone) so you can spend time fulfilling your life desires.

    And you have got to tell your mom to chill with all that "oh i bet you're going to get high right now"...Tell her not to make those comments because its not only insensitive but its comments like that that make a person want to go and get high right now. hell if a person thinks you're going to get high all the time then might as well get high all the time. But seriously, I commend your sobriety.

    And no we never want our loved ones to pass away but death is a part of life. Does she have life insurance? If not do you have a good chunk of money saved up? You wont fall on your face if you all are prepared for the inevitable.

    Maybe if you move out but still come back every now and then to help your sister and maybe if you give her a little money for the car then she will accept your decision to live your live a bit easier than if you just up and leave. Last thing you want to do is be 35, 40 years old regretting and wishing what you should have done.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Melonie View Post
    I had a friend who was in a somewhat similar situation. Rather than asserting her 'independence', she chose to fulfill her supposed family 'duties' ... which involved continuing to live at 'home', helping to care for her own 'short bus' sister, helping with household living expenses, and after a few years helping to care for her aging mom as well. It literally sucked the life out of my friend, who died last year 30+ years before she should have !!!
    I think my mother also has some irrational fear that I'll forget about her once I move out and completely forget about her. Because that's the relationship that she has with her mother. But I constantly find myself reassuring her that I'll still be there in 30 or 40 years when she is too old to take care of herself. I wouldn't just leave her behind like that. I'll just be living separately. She doesn't believe that just because I'm leaving it doesn't mean that I'll leave her behind. But I won't let myself be held back just because she has her fears. I have mine, too. And that is (as stated above) that if she dies I won't have the financial or emotional strength to go on with my own life.

    Quote Originally Posted by Holly_V View Post
    The fact your mum wants you to stay at home forever suggests there might be a bit of co-dependence going on so it is probably healthy to break that. Even if the relationship is totally normal its natural that at 20 you want to become independent. Its really important to have your own experiences to become confident in your own abilities. Living at home you're going to have responsibilities towards your mum and your sister but it will be healthy for you to be free of that to have fun while your young. I know that sounds a bit selfish but when you're young you need to be a bit selfish, its the one time in life you get to be somewhat carefree.

    I totally sympathize with your mum accusing you of being high just because you've had a disagreement. It might be good for you to get away from that criticalness and negativity and give you a bit of breathing space. Also look at why you were using in the first place, was part of it to deal with the pressure at home?
    I don't think it's so much the pressure that got me to start to use, rather than the depression I've felt because of the overall situation. I find myself craving the drugs more when I'm depressed. The pressure that's there is me feeling like I need to move away. And that's pressure that I've brought upon myself, because I feel that the longer I'm here the more I'm slipping behind. My mom isn't always a negative and critical person, she's suggested therapy to me plenty of times. I'm just too stubborn to listen. What she told me that night was out of anger and frustration and after I've had time to think, I understand that. But it still hurt, even if she apologized to me for it.
    I agree that I'm probably going to do the selfish thing and just do it. I'm going to get a million guilt trips over it, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    You are young and have to live your life they way you feel you need to. Don't let your mom guilt trip you into taking care of HER responsibilities. It sounds like you love your family and the decision is hard for you but you can still come back on your off time to help if needed (or even better hire someone) so you can spend time fulfilling your life desires.

    And you have got to tell your mom to chill with all that "oh i bet you're going to get high right now"...Tell her not to make those comments because its not only insensitive but its comments like that that make a person want to go and get high right now. hell if a person thinks you're going to get high all the time then might as well get high all the time. But seriously, I commend your sobriety.

    And no we never want our loved ones to pass away but death is a part of life. Does she have life insurance? If not do you have a good chunk of money saved up? You wont fall on your face if you all are prepared for the inevitable.

    Maybe if you move out but still come back every now and then to help your sister and maybe if you give her a little money for the car then she will accept your decision to live your live a bit easier than if you just up and leave. Last thing you want to do is be 35, 40 years old regretting and wishing what you should have done.
    "Last thing you want to do is be 35, 40 years old regretting and wishing what you should have done."
    Say it again! And the longer I stay here, the longer I feel like I'm slipping behind. Thing is, I don't have a lot of responsibilities around here. That's a luxury I appreciate a LOT but I feel as though it's hurting me way more than helping me. I mean you never know I may see the struggle living on my own and then it'll motivate me even more to get my butt in gear. And that's exactly what I think I need in life.
    And if any one should understand what it's like to want to move away from, it's her. She moved out as soon as she turned 18 years old, and from then on she became the independent woman she is today. Making a living for herself and 3 other people.
    "But seriously, I commend your sobriety."
    Thank you! Yeah, how can anyone be proud of being sober when the person most important to them in life doesn't believe that they are?
    Thank you, again.
    "Does she have life insurance? If not do you have a good chunk of money saved up? You wont fall on your face if you all are prepared for the inevitable."
    No one is necessarily prepared for her to die, because she's only in her mid 40's. But anything could happen. I am an anxious person so I'm always worried about her health. But now that I think about it, it would probably make me feel better if I saved some money just to be prepared in case anything did happen. I haven't done that, when I probably should be doing it.



    Thank you for your replies and support, all. I appreciate it.

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    Default Re: My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

    You ladies on this site are great. These forums have humor example a: You know you're a cam girl when... thread. Then you've got strangers helping someone in need of honest help.

    Are you in the adult industry Kitty? Does your mom know/mind? I ask because you said she's your best friend. Would you be comfortable showing her this thread? It might help you explain some of your feelings. Also, you noted that you are NOT doing drugs to strangers. If you were I doubt you would feel the need to cover it up on the WorldWideWeb on a forum that doesn't have the traffic of Facebook or Twitter with a pretty anonymous account.

    Good for you for getting clean and staying clean.

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    Member imaminxkitty's Avatar
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    Default Re: My mom is upset with me because I am planning on moving out.

    Quote Originally Posted by SeanWest View Post
    You ladies on this site are great. These forums have humor example a: You know you're a cam girl when... thread. Then you've got strangers helping someone in need of honest help.

    Are you in the adult industry Kitty? Does your mom know/mind? I ask because you said she's your best friend. Would you be comfortable showing her this thread? It might help you explain some of your feelings. Also, you noted that you are NOT doing drugs to strangers. If you were I doubt you would feel the need to cover it up on the WorldWideWeb on a forum that doesn't have the traffic of Facebook or Twitter with a pretty anonymous account.

    Good for you for getting clean and staying clean.
    Right? I really appreciate all of this support and advice from everyone.
    Thank you.

    My mom knows that I'm a dancer. It doesn't bother her too much, since the income is helpful. I think if I showed her this thread she'd say something like "Great, just show the world what a terrible mother I am!" Lol. I can hear it now.
    But we have talked it over and she very well understood how upset and angry it made me when she accused me of doing drugs.
    She has apologized for it. She's just... concerned and scared I guess. I don't remember if I mentioned that she had a brother (my uncle) who passed in 2012. He was an avid user. As was my father when I was born. So it would be easy to see where that fear in my mom comes from.

    "Good for you for getting clean and staying clean."
    Thank you. The main reason for me quitting in the first place is because I saw the look of disappointment on my mom's face when I told her the truth.

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