Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 65

Thread: Time to end a relationship?

  1. #1
    Featured Member kaninchen's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    1,659
    Thanks
    930
    Thanked 5,550 Times in 1,321 Posts

    Default Time to end a relationship?

    I think I need to break up with my boyfriend. How do you know when to move on from a relationship or if you should stay and keep trying?

    We've been together for two years, and while I really do love him and think he's great, I've always felt that something wasn't right. He's constantly upset at me for being deficient somehow... First he hated my job, then he hated my apartment, then he hated me for having body image issues, then he hated my car. He gets mad at how I choose to spend my own money, he gets mad when I don't do the dishes, he gets mad when I'm different from his ex-wife, he gets mad when I'm too tired for sex when he gets off work late at night.

    He's been seeing an anger management counselor and he doesn't lose his temper anymore, but he still gets upset and shuts me out. It's very stressful to deal with.

    I feel like I should be happy in the relationship because he's polite, hardworking, committed to me, he has a lovely family, and my parents adore him. He can be extremely sweet, kind, loving, fun, etc. He's been discussing getting engaged lately so I'm not sure if I'm getting cold feet or something. But I've been sitting at my laptop all morning doing homework while he sleeps, and I realized I'm dreading him waking up because I'll have to hang out with him. That's a pretty poor way to feel about your partner.

    I just realized this quickly devolved from a question into venting, but ugh! What is happening here? Is this how relationships are?

  2. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to kaninchen For This Useful Post:


  3. #2
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    16,440
    Thanks
    47,042
    Thanked 34,925 Times in 12,871 Posts
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    You could always do like men do and keep him around for stability then get a secret side piece man. Just make sure the side piece has a lot to lose so he will suffer if he tells.

    Or date in secret and see if the grass is greener on the other side. Just make sure the bf never finds out.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to miss.a.p1600 For This Useful Post:


  5. #3
    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2010
    Location
    USA, northeast
    Posts
    7,317
    Thanks
    30,600
    Thanked 17,691 Times in 5,185 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Definitely sounds like it is time to move on. If you are unsure maybe take some time apart.


  6. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to laurielegs For This Useful Post:


  7. #4
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2010
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    4,570
    Thanks
    4,406
    Thanked 7,481 Times in 2,715 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    Is this how relationships are?
    No. They are about mutual respect and support. Now that doesn't mean that arguments won't crop up, but this sounds like something deeper. If he is constantly upset at you for one thing or another and you now dread even hanging out with him, then the two of you may simply not be compatible.

    You may care for each other and be attracted to one another, but that's not the same as being able to live with each other over a long period of time. When fear, frustration and contempt start creeping into everyday interactions, IME it is a sign that there are likely insurmountable compatibility issues in play.

    If you are hoping that he will change, the odds are that he won't. People rarely do. Now if you threaten to leave, he may become scared enough to promise anything to keep you around and he may even be better for a while, but eventually these issues always seep back up to the surface.

    These are some of the lessons I've collected from two marriages, two other long-term live-in GFs and several shorter-term relationships. After spinning my wheels until my mid-30s, I finally had enough and swore that I'd stay single until I found someone who wanted what I did and shared my philosophies about life. Lucky for me, I finally found that someone.

  8. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to rickdugan For This Useful Post:


  9. #5
    God/dess Trem's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    2,958
    Thanks
    1,714
    Thanked 3,253 Times in 1,343 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    You shouldn't feel like you need to be happy, if you aren't happy it is for good reason. You are going to be walking on eggshells the entire time you are with this guy, that is no way to go through life. That is NOT how a relationship should be.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

  10. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Trem For This Useful Post:


  11. #6
    Banned Aniela's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2009
    Location
    KW
    Posts
    3,291
    Thanks
    6,920
    Thanked 5,854 Times in 2,242 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    So you said he's polite, except of course for the laundry list of things he's constantly shat on you for. That sounds like quite the contradiction. The fact that the problem is bad enough to require therapy is pretty telling IMO -- it doesn't mean that the problem is necessarily insurmountable, but it's smtg that needs to be closely looked at.

    You also mentioned that one of the things he pokes you abt is when you're 'different from his ex-wife' ... no shit : ... you are NOT his ex-wife ... I would think that's one of the reasons he was w/ you in the first place. When I read that part, honestly the first thing that came to mind was 'Damn, the core of the problem sounds like what he really wants is a clone of his ex w/o all of his ex's flaws!' That's not fair to you, OP!

    It really doesn't sound like he's happy w/ anything abt you, & you don't deserve to be tied to a person like that. Whether it's just 'nitpicking on steroids' or symptomatic of a deeper problem, why are you guys together if he can't seem to find anything abt you that's up to his standards? You deserve better than that. Leave him.

  12. #7
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    No that's not what relationships are like. He sounds a lot like my ex and it was so hard for me to break it off but I finally had to. It's just not worth it.

  13. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  14. #8
    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    13,467
    Thanks
    10,869
    Thanked 20,995 Times in 6,795 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    I generally like Steve Pavlina's articles and remembered he had one on this topic, so since I'm too lazy to type anything insightful, give this a whirl:

    http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-relationship/

  15. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to charlie61 For This Useful Post:


  16. #9
    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    13,467
    Thanks
    10,869
    Thanked 20,995 Times in 6,795 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    I will say that as a general rule, if you're questioning whether or not you should end a relationship, that's usually a good indicator that you SHOULD. Simply put, if you were truly happy, you wouldn't sit around thinking about ending your relationship.

    Usually people are more reluctant to end their relationships due to the "hows." They know on a core level that they want out, but they have to deal with all of the details that go into ending things. How to move out when you're on a lease together, how to break the news to your SO, etc. But "how?" is a different question than "should I?" It sounds like you're sold on the latter and simply need to figure out the former.

    For those who are still young and have no children (age and children can complicate things), it's a bit of a no-brainer to end relationships that aren't ideal.

  17. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to charlie61 For This Useful Post:


  18. #10
    Featured Member EastCoastDancer01's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,046
    Thanks
    4,135
    Thanked 2,799 Times in 862 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    It sounds like he is unhappy too, with him hating and getting upset about everything you do. A good relationship needs to be a happy one! If he's not completely satisfied with everything that makes you who you are (including your habits, work, how you spend, etc) then its not going to work out. A truly happy couple can overlook each others "flaws" and not get too bothered by it (unless they are truly destructive to the relationship). Are any of the things that bother him truly a problem on your part? Do they truly effect your relationship in a negative way? If so, you might need to put in a little effort to make it better. If not, it would probably be best to call it quits. For his sake as well as yours. Him shutting you out makes it hard to communicate for you guys as a couple, so your relationship would be hard to maintain anyway.

  19. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to EastCoastDancer01 For This Useful Post:


  20. #11
    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    13,467
    Thanks
    10,869
    Thanked 20,995 Times in 6,795 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    I'm just gonna keep talking out of my ass.

    If you were having a girl's night out with your best friend, and you were asking her for advice about your relationship, and she said, "Oh, I think you two should totally stay together."...would you be disappointed? Or would you feel calm and relieved? Would you want her to tell you to stay or to leave?

    Girl, aren't you like 20 years old or some shit? What's with this trend of people settling when they're still young and free enough to find someone who IS right for them? The only reason you're still with this guy is because you've invested a couple of years into him. BUT...don't think of it that way. You've changed as a person in the last couple of years, and you've changed into someone who is no longer right for this guy. So there's nothing wrong with him (inherently), and there's nothing wrong with you...you just aren't right for each other anymore. Now you get to find someone who IS. Don't waste any more time than necessary.

    /wine-inspired rant


  21. #12
    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    1,911
    Thanks
    2,498
    Thanked 6,402 Times in 1,573 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    He sounds like my EX husband...Who was extremely critical of me. I felt like I could never "be myself" with him, and I also dreaded being around him. He was deployed a lot (military) and I didn't miss him when he was gone and felt lonely when he was home. I tried everything I could to make it work, even tried getting us marriage counseling but he wouldn't go.

    My relationship with my husband now isn't perfect by any means, but that man loves everything about me, even my farts. We have our problems but day to day it's EASY to be together. I get excited when he gets home from work. I enjoy being around him all the time. We are in marriage counseling (more for his issues) but I didn't even have to ask him to come. Our marriage is his priority and he'll do anything to be with me, period.

    I think if you're always "trying" and it's "hard work" it's not the right relationship. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy; you just may not be right for each other. That's my 2 cents anyway. No matter what it's hard. Even when I divorced my ex, I was 100% sure I wanted out but I cried for days because it hurt him and it was a huge, scary change. It isn't easy but it's probably the right thing to do.

  22. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to wednesday86 For This Useful Post:


  23. #13
    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    13,467
    Thanks
    10,869
    Thanked 20,995 Times in 6,795 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Another perspective...

    If things are already uncomfortable now, what will your relationship look like in 20 years? What would your future self tell your current self to do in this situation? What do you have to lose by leaving? What do you have to gain by leaving? What part of you wants to stay with your boyfriend, and are you willing to let that part of yourself go? Why did you end up with someone who detests so many of your core traits? Is this just another way for you to criticize yourself - by being with someone who does the work for you?

    What are you willing to give up to become who you want to be?

    (someone take the pinot away from charlie - now!!)

  24. The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to charlie61 For This Useful Post:


  25. #14
    God/dess tempest666's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Hamburg, Pennsylvania
    Posts
    10,607
    Thanks
    2,705
    Thanked 13,685 Times in 4,414 Posts
    Blog Entries
    5
    My Mood
    In Love

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Ditch him.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

  26. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to tempest666 For This Useful Post:


  27. #15
    Featured Member Cashmere Star's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2013
    Location
    cloud9
    Posts
    825
    Thanks
    1,518
    Thanked 1,549 Times in 575 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Plenty of good advice here so far. He's way too critical of you, if this isn't something you would put up with a friend, you shouldn't take it from him.

    Leave.


    Weekly earning target: $1000
    Saving for: school, traveling, rainy day fund

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    What would "future you" want you to do right now?




  28. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Cashmere Star For This Useful Post:


  29. #16
    Featured Member kaninchen's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    1,659
    Thanks
    930
    Thanked 5,550 Times in 1,321 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    I will say that as a general rule, if you're questioning whether or not you should end a relationship, that's usually a good indicator that you SHOULD. Simply put, if you were truly happy, you wouldn't sit around thinking about ending your relationship.
    I've actually been considering whether to continue the relationship for the past several months, and I've been telling myself exactly this as a justification. But then my thoughts on the relationship become this tautological mess and I can't figure it out!

  30. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kaninchen For This Useful Post:


  31. #17
    Member Bad_Wolf's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Tampa
    Posts
    63
    Thanks
    293
    Thanked 54 Times in 28 Posts
    My Mood
    Worried

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    I'm in the exact same situation, I wanted to leave a year ago, and I finally did this week. It's hard, I feel awful, but I know it's going to be so much better in the long run. You do you boo, trust me.

  32. The Following User Says Thank You to Bad_Wolf For This Useful Post:


  33. #18
    God/dess
    Joined
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Down Under
    Posts
    2,078
    Thanks
    4,898
    Thanked 2,463 Times in 1,135 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheeky

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Ending a relationship is hard, but staying in a toxic one is worse. You deserve better.
    Last edited by OliveJardin; 05-31-2015 at 07:45 AM.
    “Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” -Marilyn Monroe

    "True sexiness has many facets-confidence, strength, intelligence, and humor. It isn’t just about trying to look sexy; it’s an art and one becomes skillful in it when she realizes that there are all these conflicting elements that all come together to make something magical"-Dita Von Teese

  34. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to OliveJardin For This Useful Post:


  35. #19
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    I know that probably deep down you know that the best thing would be to leave him. But I also know that the mind will come up with 8373629373 excuses not to. It really is hard, I feel for you. Hope it works out xo

  36. The Following User Says Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  37. #20
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Oh and all the girls have given excellent advice! Precisely why I love this site

  38. #21
    Featured Member kaninchen's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    1,659
    Thanks
    930
    Thanked 5,550 Times in 1,321 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Quote Originally Posted by HoolaTwister View Post
    Oh and all the girls have given excellent advice! Precisely why I love this site
    Truth. SW is seriously the best.

  39. #22
    Featured Member kaninchen's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    1,659
    Thanks
    930
    Thanked 5,550 Times in 1,321 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    I think part of what makes this so difficult is that his behavior is inconsistent. He's a little like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. When he's acting like the man I fell in love with, he's romantic, adoring, supportive, sexy, he listens, he's fun, intelligent and definitely my favorite person to be around. He's a complete catch 90% of the time.

    But then something will set him off and he turns into this oppositional, discontented ice cube, and nothing I say or do will please him for the next few hours or days. On Friday night he got really upset and I still have no idea why. I was at home, studying, he was at work, and I sent him a text asking if he wanted to go out when he was done. (He loves going out to dinner and is usually upset at me for not wanting to go out.)

    He started messaging me back saying, "I thought you had to STUDY??? Where do you want to go?" When I didn't respond two minutes later, he said, "No ideas huh? Guess you don't want to hang out. Forget it." When he came home he wouldn't even look at me. He just said hi coldly and went straight to bed.

    It's so effing confusing! Like, what did I do?! Stuff like this doesn't happen every day... Maybe once or twice a month... The rest of the time he's an angel and he makes me so happy. It's when he gets all mean that I'm like, I can't do this.

    I'm 28 and I don't know if that's "old" or not. But I do feel a ton of pressure to hurry up and settle down. All my cousins are married and have kids and I feel like I would disappoint my family by choosing to be single. It doesn't help that I've never been single since I was 20, aside from a few months before I met this guy.

    I guess I'm scared to date again, too. I feel like there are so many lying, cheating psychopathic men in the world and I don't want to wade through them! Seriously, when I was in the Army, literally dozens of married dudes with families tried to get with me. Ugh. So skeevy. So it's possible that, even with his mood swings, I feel that my boyfriend is at least safer than the vast majority of men.

    ... Wow, this post was super long.

  40. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kaninchen For This Useful Post:


  41. #23
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    16,440
    Thanks
    47,042
    Thanked 34,925 Times in 12,871 Posts
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Well if it's only 10% of the time then maybe you can work through that. You mentioned mood swings so is he bipolar? Maybe you can find a good couples therapist to help.

    As far as dating again. You are young, yes 28 is young, and hot so you have more options and a better chance of finding someone else than you realize.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

  42. The Following User Says Thank You to miss.a.p1600 For This Useful Post:


  43. #24
    God/dess Marina Starr's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Don't Bother Me, USA
    Posts
    9,938
    Thanks
    12,138
    Thanked 37,404 Times in 8,667 Posts

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    It's time to end it when you are happy SOME of the time and unhappy MOST of the time.
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Carmen~ View Post
    I can see you being 90 and flipping your long hair, still teasing the boys.



  44. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Marina Starr For This Useful Post:


  45. #25
    God/dess
    Joined
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    6,948
    Thanks
    2,845
    Thanked 5,526 Times in 3,113 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Time to end a relationship?

    Two years? What are you waiting for?

  46. The Following User Says Thank You to slowpoke For This Useful Post:


Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 7
    Last Post: 10-26-2012, 04:29 AM
  2. SM payroll end time
    By bigladyx in forum Camming Connection
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-15-2012, 09:52 PM
  3. The end of my relationship (abuse warning)
    By Kat w in forum Life Support
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 07-14-2011, 04:26 AM
  4. How to end a relationship.
    By Magdalena_666 in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 03-04-2005, 04:13 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •