Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 27

Thread: How to deal with this out of control friend??

  1. #1
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Sad How to deal with this out of control friend??

    In the Confessions thread I made a post about how I really don't have real girlfriends. They all come to me for advice about guys (lol) and when they are super stressed. Especially this one "friend", I am seriously concerned for her mental health. Like, what she tells me is completely and utterly insane. She's into this guy, they have been dating for a few weeks. He treats her pretty well by all accounts but that is not enough for her. If he doesn't answer a text right away she gets a panic attack. At work. Work sends her home. I'm not joking. He is completely oblivious to her being a psycho because she hides it well and I'm pretty sure he's got zero experience with women. I almost feel like I should tell him but she's not violent or anything. Just really, really sad I mean, she is obsessed. The panic attacks at work are the least worrying part of this. I've told her to go to a therapist and she's gone but the therapist only prescribed her benzodiazepine for the attacks. I'm like, is she even telling the Dr the whole story?

    I want want to be there for her but at this point everything she tells me is crazy and frightening and I don't know what to do. The scariest part is when he finally pays her attention. The panic, the utter anguish is GONE. She is SO happy and pretends her freakouts didn't happen. Until the next time.
    Last edited by HoolaTwister; 06-04-2015 at 05:18 PM.

  2. #2
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Oh and before anyone asks why I bother when she's not even really my friend but only comes to me in crisis: I think she's seriously unable to function and be a friend to anyone at this moment. Guy issues CONSUME her. I just feel so bad. I know what it's like to have a broken heart and be totally alone (though I was upset for actual reasons and her problems are the result of what I think is a personality disorder?) and I'm the only person she's got to talk to. The stuff she tells me, I don't even know why she's so comfortable telling me because it's basically Glenn close in Fatal Artraction minus the fatal part.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  4. #3
    God/dess Elektra Luxx's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2011
    Location
    I live in the 11th dimension.
    Posts
    3,490
    Thanks
    22,167
    Thanked 9,536 Times in 2,817 Posts
    My Mood
    Stressed

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    I think you're wonderful for being there for her, but you can only do so much, but not to the point of risking your mental health. She sounds like she has issues that you shouldn't take on and maybe you could steer her toward some professional help.
    Last edited by Elektra Luxx; 06-04-2015 at 08:13 PM. Reason: correction

  5. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Elektra Luxx For This Useful Post:


  6. #4
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2004
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    27,134
    Thanks
    55,898
    Thanked 26,028 Times in 13,271 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    I think if you hang around w/toxic people, no matter how much you want to help/be there for them, they'll drag you way down. Some people can't/dont want to be fixed/helped.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

  7. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to whirlerz For This Useful Post:


  8. #5
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Quote Originally Posted by Elektra Luxx View Post
    I think you're wonderful for being there for her, but you can do so much, but not to the point of risking your mental health. She sounds like she has issues that you shouldn't take on and maybe you could steer her toward some professional help.
    I think this is definitely affecting me. I dread seeing an email from her because I know it's going to be really bad. Like today. She's totally freaking out, I try to comfort her and I sent her this link. It's about why a guy might lose interest, the way guys think etc. Totally informative article and spot on. All I think she saw was the title "Why a guy loses interest" and completely lost her mind. I was like "Did you read it?? Calm down!" But she didn't answer or anything so I worried for half a day. She's tried to commit suicide before so this is a possibility.

    All I want is to just calmly tell her I can't be of any help anymore but don't know how to put it exactly. I'm not comfortable knowing all this info!

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  10. #6
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    I think if you hang around w/toxic people, no matter how much you want to help/be there for them, they'll drag you way down. Some people can't/dont want to be fixed/helped.
    This is very true.

  11. #7
    Banned Aniela's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2009
    Location
    KW
    Posts
    3,291
    Thanks
    6,920
    Thanked 5,854 Times in 2,242 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    As hard as it may be, I think you need to completely extricate yourself from her. The long&short of it is, she needs help that you can't give. That doesn't make you a deficient or bad friend, it is simply what it is.

    I feel for you, having experienced this many many times w/ several different ppl -- not 'tangential' friends or acquaintances, but ppl whom I cared for deeply. Even when it's sm1 you're not particularly close to, it can be so easy to get entangled in their madness (literal mental-health or otherwise).

  12. #8
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    I think that's the best solution, just remove myself completely. I'm in no way qualified for this situation at all. Should I just block her or try to explain?

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  14. #9
    God/dess Elektra Luxx's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2011
    Location
    I live in the 11th dimension.
    Posts
    3,490
    Thanks
    22,167
    Thanked 9,536 Times in 2,817 Posts
    My Mood
    Stressed

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    I don't think you need to block her, but maybe don't make yourself so available and she will get the hint.

  15. The Following User Says Thank You to Elektra Luxx For This Useful Post:


  16. #10
    Featured Member EastCoastDancer01's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,046
    Thanks
    4,135
    Thanked 2,799 Times in 862 Posts

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    ^Be nice about it. Tell her you truly do not feel like you can help her in the way that she needs to be helped. And you dont want to disappoint her, or be sucked into any trouble she may get herself into. That would not be fair to you. Tell her you feel like it is best for you both to go your seperate ways until she can become more emotionally stable. You can suggest therapy, or point her in the right direction to getting the help she needs but you are in no way obligated to do that. Just be honest and upfront about how you feel so that she at least has some closure on where you stand with all of this. Dont just cut her off all of a sudden. Always try to end things as good as you can if thats what you decide you want to do.

  17. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to EastCoastDancer01 For This Useful Post:


  18. #11
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    16,440
    Thanks
    47,042
    Thanked 34,925 Times in 12,871 Posts
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Send her an invoice in the mail and bill her for your therapeutic hours. lol.

    Just kidding. But yeah she sounds like a lot to deal with and hopefully will learn with age and maturity that a man is NOT the center of the universe. I heard a saying once that "if you put people on a pedestal, don't be surprised if they treat you like you are beneath them". And I bet this guy is not panicking over her.

    And glenn close character in fatal attraction was classic Borderline Personality Disorder which is best managed with professional therapy. http://psychcentral.com/disorders/bo...rder-symptoms/
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

  19. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to miss.a.p1600 For This Useful Post:


  20. #12
    Featured Member EastCoastDancer01's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,046
    Thanks
    4,135
    Thanked 2,799 Times in 862 Posts

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Send her an invoice in the mail and bill her for your therapeutic hours. lol.

    Just kidding. But yeah she sounds like a lot to deal with and hopefully will learn with age and maturity that a man is NOT the center of the universe. I heard a saying once that "if you put people on a pedestal, don't be surprised if they treat you like you are beneath them". And I bet this guy is not panicking over her.

    And glenn close character in fatal attraction was classic Borderline Personality Disorder which is best managed with professional therapy. http://psychcentral.com/disorders/bo...rder-symptoms/
    ^^THIS. Perfectly said!

  21. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to EastCoastDancer01 For This Useful Post:


  22. #13
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Thanks guys. I will tell her. She's definitely old enough, mid 30's, to know men are not the center of the Universe but the mere suggestion is met with hostility. So next time she comes to me I will nicely explain that I'm not qualified to help.

    Also, borderline personality is something I have thought she suffers from for a while now! I even made a thread about borderline personality.

  23. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  24. #14
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Update! So today I wrote her this note, it was short but sweet. Of course she saw the guy the night before so she's walking on sunshine and when she's "happy" she's very condescending, like "A guy really likes me, I must be so hot and special and you're just a dumb stripper " ugh. Which is CRAZY because the day before that she was screaming and saying she was gonna kill herself and how much she hates herself. So the mood swings are scary, total personality changes.
    Anyway, she was like "Whatever, I don't need the likes of you sweetie, you're a spoiled whore and I'm much better than you. I'm so smart and I lost like ten pounds and you can't bring me down."

    Yeah, so we are totally done. I'm relieved. What a mess lol For a verrrry split second I considered sending her crazy emails and texts to him but I would feel way too guilty and then have to deal with her again.

  25. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  26. #15
    Banned Aniela's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2009
    Location
    KW
    Posts
    3,291
    Thanks
    6,920
    Thanked 5,854 Times in 2,242 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    ^^^^ I think if you gave him a heads-up as to her lunacy, you would be doing him a supreme favour.

  27. #16
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    You really think so? I'm so conflicted. He's a real sweetheart, one in a million kinda guy. Not very experienced with women at all and this is why he hasn't figured this all out yet, like every single guy she's ever dated who has dumped her after like two weeks of dating. She's very good at hiding her psycho side, she's very submissive, sweet, accommodating etc. But usually guys can sense something is wrong and stop calling her and answering her texts.

    I know for a fact if I were to let him know and he dumped her, she will try to commit suicide. That's not even a maybe, that's a solid definite. I would feel horrible yet, I think this guy should know too.....he should get a clue and figure it out himself but he's super naive. I think she told me he's lost his virginity at age 26 :/

  28. #17
    Banned Aniela's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2009
    Location
    KW
    Posts
    3,291
    Thanks
    6,920
    Thanked 5,854 Times in 2,242 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    ^^^^ Well, put yourself in his position. Sorta kinda, at least. Wouldn't you want to be clued-in to the fact that your new sweetie is psychotic? We are not even talking 'psychotic' as a euphemism here.

    The fact that your now-ex-friend is so unstable that she would react the way you fear, is NOT on you. If it's not over this situation, it would be over smtg else. What if this guy were to wise up on his own & dump her? Would you try to guilt him into not-dumping her, just to quiet your own guilt abt her trying to kill herself?

    I get not wanting her to flip her shit & do smtg irrevocable -- but neither you nor the guy deserve to be saddled w/ any kind of guilt over her choices. That guilt would allow her to manipulate you both.

  29. #18
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    You make really excellent points. If it was me, I'd totally want to know. It's juts that she's so pathetic and I know she would not be violet or anything. She's like a dishrag. Hmmm. I am a wuss I guess, I just can't do it. He's part of a specific scene too, she really wants to belong to that whole crowd so it wouldn't be just losing him, she'd be looked at as a psycho by everyone she thinks is cool.

    Oy vey.

  30. The Following User Says Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  31. #19
    Banned Aniela's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2009
    Location
    KW
    Posts
    3,291
    Thanks
    6,920
    Thanked 5,854 Times in 2,242 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Well, life is full of disappointments. After the way you've described her treating you, I would say she's due for a little callback from Karma, bc I doubt you're the only person she has alienated if her misbehaviour is that severe. She is a grown-ass woman & will either sink or adapt, like any1 else.

    There is also the off-chance that 'being looked at as a psycho' might motivate her to take her mental problems seriously & take the necessary steps to get the help she needs.

  32. #20
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Damnit, stop making sense Aniela!

    Yes, just recently she alienated another friend, I didn't know her personally but she seems like a good egg. She's a gorgeous girl and I'm pretty sure the psycho was so jealous and that's why their friendship ended.

  33. The Following User Says Thank You to HoolaTwister For This Useful Post:


  34. #21
    Featured Member kaninchen's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    1,659
    Thanks
    930
    Thanked 5,550 Times in 1,321 Posts

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    Holy shit dude! I can't believe she said that last bit to you. The way people treat each other can be so shameful. I'm sorry. But at least you're free of her now and don't have to be bothered by her anymore!

    As for informing him/others of her likely mental health issues... I wouldn't. I would just stay far, far away. First, if she's already so unstable, you definitely don't want her as an enemy. People like that will try to ruin your life out of spite -- especially if she thinks you're jeopardizing her all-important relationship with this guy. Second, the way she's carrying on, professionals will intervene sooner or later. Either someone close to her will guide her into getting help, or she'll have the cops called on her.

    Aniela, you make a good case for informing the guy, and I don't necessarily disagree. I just worry about OP's safety afterwards!

  35. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kaninchen For This Useful Post:


  36. #22
    God/dess simone87's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2012
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    5,171
    Thanks
    7,361
    Thanked 9,469 Times in 3,228 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheeky

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    whoaaa, what a complete psycho! if he really is a sweet unassuming naive guy, i also vote for telling him in a discrete/short-and-to-the-point way just to give him a heads up. this is scary! i mean sooner or later he will find out, but if i were him i would definitely want to be spared getting further involved and invested in a black hole of crazy. UNLESS you think that she might hurt you or him. if she's going to kill herself over him dumping her, then she'll do it at the drop of a hat and there's really nothing you can do short of involuntarily committing her.

  37. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to simone87 For This Useful Post:


  38. #23
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    I'm so glad I have you guys to vent to, to tell you about all this. It's like one of those really surreal situations where you almost can't describe the level of psychosis going on. It's stranger than fiction. The way I described her, that's not even the half of it. She once dated this old decrepit man and he would embarrass and humiliate her in front of people and tell her to get away from him at least every two days. She was so obsessed with him she once drove out to his house in the middle of the night and broke though his window just to "prove her devotion." He yelled at her for four hours straight that night. And if he hadn't dumped her she would still be with him. Took MONTHS to get over him. Actually the only time she will be "over" someone is when she meets someone new.

    She lives several States away from me so I'm not worried about her hurting me at all, just herself. This guy should really figure it out easily, not sure what his deal is. He's the ONLY guy who doesn't seem to get it right away. Maybe he'll catch on by himself?

  39. #24
    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2007
    Location
    the mountains ....
    Posts
    14,202
    Thanks
    15,165
    Thanked 21,346 Times in 9,308 Posts

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    He will figure out she's a nut soon....
    It'll come out on its own.

  40. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to carmen_b For This Useful Post:


  41. #25
    Featured Member EastCoastDancer01's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,046
    Thanks
    4,135
    Thanked 2,799 Times in 862 Posts

    Default Re: How to deal with this out of control friend??

    I'm so glad you are not friends with this girl anymore! She is truly a psycho. Her guy will find out eventually but you should REALLY give him a heads up about it so he will know what to expect and prepare for it (if he decides to go through with it). You can do it anonymously and you don't have to go into detail...just tell him she's kinda crazy to say the least!

  42. The Following User Says Thank You to EastCoastDancer01 For This Useful Post:


Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. How do you deal with a Cocky Friend ?
    By Reckless in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 06-01-2012, 12:55 AM
  2. Replies: 12
    Last Post: 10-29-2010, 09:52 AM
  3. How do I deal with this friend?
    By MsClaireVoyant in forum Life Support
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: 12-01-2009, 05:33 PM
  4. How to deal with the loss of a best friend....
    By Darling in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 10-23-2008, 08:44 AM
  5. Replies: 5
    Last Post: 09-02-2008, 07:52 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •