Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 31

Thread: dealing with a suicide....

  1. #1
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default dealing with a suicide....

    So I'm sharing this on here because of the circumstances of my dad's death, I don't really feel comfortable discussing this with most people I know in my real life. Most of the people I know don't really understand mental health problems and I feel like I'm going to get judgment from them for my dad's actions, or I'm going to get the label of "girl who comes from a crazy family" (even though I do). If your thoughts are in either of those lines regarding suicide, please stop reading right now... and if you are in any way going to quote religious babbling bullshit about suicide being a sin, take your comments elsewhere, I have enough of that from my Catholic half of the family.

    I found out a week ago that my dad committed suicide-- he has struggled with mental health issues for a long time and had a very troubled childhood, and since I've moved to London I've really distanced myself from him as he was such a constant source of stress for me, and he basically told me if he ever found out I was still working in the sex-industry he would disown me. Especially in the last six months I think I've avoided him even more as I've really struggled to get my life together after leaving escorting/stripping. He was an alcoholic with horrible ADHD (which I inherited) that made it very difficult for him to get by day to day. He also struggled with either some kind of depression or was on the spectrum of bipolar disorder, as he went through periods of severe high and lows. He had a very bad temper and you were always walking around on egg shells with him, he could go off at the smallest, most insignificant detail. I lived with him for two years when I was at university and he drove me nuts, but he was so isolated and struggled so much to maintain relationships that I felt like he really needed me around.

    When I got the call that he had killed himself, I don't think I've ever been so heart broken. As much as he stressed me out, I did love him, and he could be such fun sometimes. He had traveled a lot and was incredibly intelligent (his IQ was measured around 175) that I always enjoyed talking to him. I never felt like we could really have a discussion about our emotions, but we talked about other things and I definitely felt that we had a close relationship.

    Now that he is gone I feel like I'm filled with so many questions. My dad planned this out very carefully-- he packed up his whole house, he had to wait ten days to get the gun permit, he drove 5 hours to kill himself in a remote area so that he wouldn't be in the news, he wrote extensive letters to everyone is his family detailing what would happen to his affairs and trying to explain his decision to us. If it was a last minute, impulsive decision that he made I feel I could be more accepting of it. But the fact that he had so many days to think it over, I just don't understand how he couldn't have had any second thoughts.

    I hadn't spoken to him over the phone in over two months-- the last time we spoke he was giving me advice for a job interview I had the next day. About the day he must have applied for the permit, he send me a message asking if we could speak. But I was busy that weekend cooking for friends on Saturday and then cooking for my boyfriend's family on Sunday, and then the day that we decided to speak, I was running around town and didn't get home until late and was tired. My father has basically been using me as his therapist since I was eight, overloading me with every negative and stressful detail in his life whether it was friendships, girlfriends, or work, and since he didn't have anything specific to talk to me about, I felt like it was just going to be that, so when he never sent me a message asking me when we could speak, I think I was relieved, as I had about a thousand things on my mind at the moment and was just physically and mentally exhausted. And in the week and a half that followed it, I had another million things on my mind and we never spoke. I keep going over and over that in my head, wishing that I had called him and reached out to set up a time to speak, thinking that maybe that would have changed his mind. Wondering why he never tried to speak to me again before he called me, why he didn't send me a message that day asking for a time or trying to set something up later. Did he think that I was so busy with my new life that I didn't have time for him anymore? Was he angry with me? Was I not important enough for him to say good bye to, since he said good bye to so many other people? Even if I hadn't been able to change his mind, at least I would have spoken to him again, and I feel like such a shitty daughter.

    The first four days or so after he died I was really, really sad, thinking over and over that I will never see or speak to my father again, but as time has gone on I feel like a lot of my sadness has been replaced by anger. When I read over his note he obsessed completely over his finances and his success, and I feel like the father that I had always placed his family, his friends, his life experiences, his learning, over what he could put down on his CV-- but in the end it seemed like all he cared about was money and what he had accomplished in his personal life, and a part of me feels like maybe he wasn't the dad that I thought I had for most of my life. He gave up seeing his children getting married, himself getting married again, his grandchildren, all the friends he had, because he felt like he hadn't been successful enough in his life. His financial circumstances were dire, but he had lots of people that would have helped him, and he had been through serious financial struggles before, much worse than things were right now.

    If anyone has lost a parent or a loved one to suicide, I would love to hear your thoughts... since I've gotten back to LA (staying for the week) it's just been focusing on the details of his memorial and a part of me is feeling like he doesn't even deserve a memorial. When I got back I knew that there wasn't going to be any money that he had left for me or my brother, but he had a lot of artifacts from his travels and I wanted to take some of them back to me with London so that I would have something to remember him by, but he basically threw everything away, and in his letters he states that he is going to do so because we will all be so angry that we won't want anything. Like, thanks dad... for killing yourself and then destroying everything that we could remember you by, it's so awesome that you gave us the choice to deal with your death in our own way.

  2. #2
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    16,440
    Thanks
    47,042
    Thanked 34,925 Times in 12,871 Posts
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    So sorry to hear about your father passing away and in a way that's unexpected. Please don't blame yourself, there's no way you could have known what he was thinking or what he was going to do.

    I can only imagine how you must feel right now.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to miss.a.p1600 For This Useful Post:


  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    88
    Thanks
    127
    Thanked 140 Times in 50 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I'm so sorry, Audrey.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Etain_ For This Useful Post:


  6. #4
    Senior Member janesays22's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    162
    Thanks
    380
    Thanked 131 Times in 72 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Audrey-
    First of I am so so sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds extremely intense and overwhelming. While I have not had to deal with someone close to me committing suicide (though have experienced attempts) I have been very suicidal myself and might be able to shed a little bit of light on the mindset. For you-- this JUST happened, it is all very new. It is natural for your emotions to be overwhelming and raging in all kinds of different directions. I totally understand the desire to analyze and comprehend what happened (death itself is pretty baffeling & confounding, chosen death seems to be compounded 10-fold). That said, given how recent this is, maybe now is more of a time just to let yourself experience all these emotions. Let them storm in you and through you. You aren't going to find one explanation that resolves it for you. I think it will be more similar to everything in life....every few years with more experience we get new angles and new understandings. You will get those in time regaurding your relationship and perspective of your father and what his life experience was like.
    One thing you do need to know and remind yourself of as much as need be is- IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! I don't care if you had just gotten off the phone beraiding him and then he did it. A busy adult daughter is not a hump that pushes someone over the edge. Mental illness is. I am also bipolar and have been very seriously suicidal. It gets to a point where it just a record repeating in your head. Suicidal thinking is very self-reinforcing. It gets to ridiculous points where one finds themselves thinking things like "These eggs taste gross. I should just kill myself." And that thought really sounds rational & convincing. I think Sylvia Plath wrote something during an episode that she was in the shower and washing her hair felt like such a chore and she thought "Wow, if I kill myself I'll never have to wash my hair again!" These are the crevices that reasoning can creep in to when in that state of mind. There is also a sort of repetitive obsessive quality to the thoughts. Your mind just 'goes there' over and over again.
    I would not be surprised of your father had struggled with this for a very very long time. Is it possible that the father that you knew and the man who maybe felt deeply shamed by wordly failures were the same person? We are all complex and multi-dimensional. If you want more insight into suicidal thinking and mental illness, check out 'Night Falls Fast' by Kay Jamieson Redfield. I understand your anger, because he is gone and you are still here to deal with all of this. I hope more people with parallel experiences to yours chime in.
    No manner how he went or what your relationship- that man was your father and this is an intense and hard time for you. I really hope that one day you find peace within all of this.

  7. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to janesays22 For This Useful Post:


  8. #5
    God/dess SnuffleUffleGrass's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2009
    Location
    HearstCastle, Rosebud
    Posts
    8,848
    Thanks
    22,676
    Thanked 17,513 Times in 6,696 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I'm sorry to hear of this.

    My insights I can share- I have a severely mentally ill parent, and my step-cousin committed suicide.

    I can discuss both topics in better detail if you wish further downthread.... In short, after all these years I have come to a feeling of pity and sadness for my mentally ill parent. I got over my anger & now I have moments of insight where I realize that my parent's years of life weren't all stained by illness. I try not to get too overwrought when I think of these things b/c then I will end up like one of my siblings, who has serious issues (including alcoholism) from being exposed to our sick parent.

    It takes time to process the thoughts and feelings you are having. I really recommend visits with a therapist...Even if you only go once in a while, I think that would help a lot.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to SnuffleUffleGrass For This Useful Post:


  10. #6
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,881
    Thanks
    3,026
    Thanked 3,426 Times in 1,229 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I'm very sorry for your loss. While neither of my parents have committed suicide, my father died many years ago, and my mother and I have a difficult relationship that sounds a lot like yours with your father in terms of you being the therapist. She has threatened or implied suicide many times. Recently, I have gone low-contact with her and have been dealing with feelings of guilt. One of the biggest things on my mind is that, having lost one parent already, I wonder whether, when my mother eventually passes, I will regret not trying to understand her more. But the unfortunate reality is that with parents like your father and my mother, they were never capable of giving us fulfilling answers. Your father sounds like he was a textbook toxic relationship, and distancing yourself was the only decision you could make. We all get busy sometimes and don't call people back as quickly as we could. It is not reasonable to expect someone's life hangs on the expediency of our responses. You can't get caught up in the "what if" mentality.

    Regarding him not having second thoughts... I don't know. I'm not your father, but I've been suicidal before. Often, people who commit suicide have felt those urges before. That they continued living through difficult times is proof that they did find life worthwhile. If they choose to kill themselves and go through with it, that doesn't mean that life was no longer worth it. It also doesn't mean that they didn't love those on this planet still. Your father had a life's worth of issues that drove him to this decision, and anything that he did around the time of his death or included in his letters is, I think, not how the best version of him would like to be remembered. His suicide, as well as the words of his letters and the destroying of his personal effects, were symptoms of his illness, not how he truly wanted to be.

    The memorial is up to you. It's normal to feel angry right now, but I wouldn't make the decision to not have the memorial as some sort of denial to a dead man. Right now, it's about the living picking up the pieces and moving on. Ideally, a memorial would give your family the opportunity to discuss this, remember him at his best, and reach some sort of closure with each other's support. But things rarely work out so perfectly. Do what you need to do to find peace right now.

    Best wishes, truly. I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this.

  11. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to tuesdaymarie For This Useful Post:


  12. #7
    God/dess LAChloe's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2007
    Location
    los angeles
    Posts
    2,107
    Thanks
    5,428
    Thanked 2,927 Times in 999 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Audrey, I am so sorry. My best friends's dad committed suicide when I was in high school. I know that even to this day she still talks to a therapist. I don't think it gets easier, you just learn to deal with it more and more. You are in my thoughts. <3

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to LAChloe For This Useful Post:


  14. #8
    Banned Aniela's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2009
    Location
    KW
    Posts
    3,291
    Thanks
    6,920
    Thanked 5,854 Times in 2,242 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I have lost at least one loved one to suicide -- one that I know for certain. Another one, I suspect but don't know for sure.

    I have also been the one that was suicidal, & what I can tell you from the experience of being in that dark of a place that you don't see any way out is … sm times, there is nothing that others can do for you. If a person is *that desperate* then not only will they find a way to make it happen, but their own reasoning (or maybe more accurately, the reasoning of the mental illness that's doing the talking) makes so much sense to them … why death is necessary, or why they have just given up … they rationalise that for whatever reason(s), others will be better off. idk if that really explains anything, I find it very hard to put that sensation into words.

    It's normal to have the questions you're struggling w/, to wonder what you could have done differently, or if it would have made any difference. Maybe you could have made more of an effort. Maybe it would have been the thing that saved him. But at the same time, maybe not. You said yourself that he went to great, great lengths to plan & carry this off. If I am understanding your timeline correctly, I would place a pretty solid bet that he'd already committed himself long b4 his final attempts to reach out to you. Even if those final conversations that 'you should have had' had happened, & provided you sm closure, I think it's just as likely that his mind was simply already set & talking to him wouldn't have changed it.

    Further, it sounds to me like the main reason you distanced yourself from him wasn't out of malice, but an effort to keep yourself sane. Sm times, that's all we can do -- walk away, or at least step back 'out of swinging reach' to keep another person's harmful behaviour from damaging us as well. It hurts, & it's hard, but we can't fix other ppl. So try to ease up on yourself -- believe me, I know how much easier said than done that is -- you are not to blame here.

    On judgment: I admit that I have also struggled w/ my Catholic upbringing on this, even tho I am a long-lapsed Catholic. You may have heard the old joke abt Catholicism being a lifelong affliction But it really makes me sad & angry to think that a person suffering so much that suicide feels like the only path to relief should be damned, regardless of how inherently good they were in life. To me, that's a steaming load of crap -- no truly merciful, loving God would let that final act of desperation be the deciding factor of judgment. So feel free to tell your judgy relatives to get bent.

    So sry that you're having to go thru this. We are here for you. I hope that your father will find peace, & that you do as well.

  15. #9
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2004
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    27,134
    Thanks
    55,898
    Thanked 26,028 Times in 13,271 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I am so very sorry for your loss.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

  16. The Following User Says Thank You to whirlerz For This Useful Post:


  17. #10
    God/dess ScarletKitten's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2013
    Location
    Hyperspace
    Posts
    2,208
    Thanks
    3,162
    Thanked 6,709 Times in 1,895 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Audrey, I am so sorry and saddened to hear about your father. Suicide is so tragic. Please know that it's not your fault or anyone else's fault for that matter. He was suffering immensely with his mental illness. He saw no other way out, so he did the only thing he thought he could do to escape his pain. I am so so sorry.

    Quote Originally Posted by sexsells View Post
    People who choose to kill themselves are very selfish people
    You are so very wrong. People who kill themselves do NOT do it out of selfishness. They do it because they are in an incredible, overwhelming, soul-crushing amount of pain and see no other way out. I can't stand misconceptions like these.
    Last edited by ScarletKitten; 06-22-2015 at 09:51 PM.
    "Dancing tables, making deals with devils like a drunk beauty queen"

  18. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to ScarletKitten For This Useful Post:


  19. #11
    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    13,467
    Thanks
    10,869
    Thanked 20,995 Times in 6,795 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I haven't yet experienced a death in the family. I'm so sorry this happened. For it to happen so unexpectedly is traumatic to say the least.

    If you were still living in the U.S., I'd recommend checking this out: http://thedinnerparty.org/about/

  20. The Following User Says Thank You to charlie61 For This Useful Post:


  21. #12
    Banned
    Joined
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    123
    Thanks
    51
    Thanked 105 Times in 44 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    So sorry for your loss. Sorry that it sounds like you are blaming yourself also. Do you have anyone that was really close to him, that could explain some things that maybe you dont know about? Depression sucks and it takes it toll.

  22. #13
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    717
    Thanks
    1,880
    Thanked 1,415 Times in 521 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    .............
    Last edited by amberlly; 09-02-2015 at 12:06 AM.

  23. The Following User Says Thank You to amberlly For This Useful Post:


  24. #14
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Quote Originally Posted by tuesdaymarie View Post
    The memorial is up to you. It's normal to feel angry right now, but I wouldn't make the decision to not have the memorial as some sort of denial to a dead man. Right now, it's about the living picking up the pieces and moving on. Ideally, a memorial would give your family the opportunity to discuss this, remember him at his best, and reach some sort of closure with each other's support. But things rarely work out so perfectly. Do what you need to do to find peace right now.
    We have decided to have just a simple memorial at a friend's house. My father came from a very Catholic family and went to Catholic school but had a very conflicted relationship with the church-- I have been as much of a hard-core atheist as exists since I was five years old and could read the Bible on my own and decided that making the world in 7 days was not a feasible task, so I would not be continuing to read the book. But he forced me to do First Holy Communion and continue to go to church on holidays (I was given the choice of Confirmation and declined) and I still remember him driving me to church every Sunday and telling me about some evil nun or priest he had known, or how some part of the Bible was crap, and then having to sit through a church service. Because of his complicated relationship with the church and the fact that most Catholic churches would have turned us away anyway, we're must having a small non-religious memorial. Because he died a five-hour drive away from us, we decided to wait the two weeks for his ashes to be returned and that we will spread them at a time when we have dealt with our feelings more and can release them into the Earth without the resentment and anger we all feel at the moment.

    I am speaking to my therapist about it and he's been a lot of help. But I still feel I just can't comprehend this. I saw my best friend from my childhood this evening and we were speaking about my father-- when I told her about his suicide, she was very affected as she comes from a very troubled family and lived with my dad for a period, and when she was upset at work she admitted to her boss what happened, and her boss asked "oh... was he always kind of off?" that's what I just don't get. My father was NOT off. I did not grow up in a family with some crazy person talking to walls. My father had a outgoing, charismatic personality, and could walk into a room of 100 hundred people he didn't know, and be best friend's with them within the hour. He just struggled to maintain those friendships because of the EXTREME negativity he felt the need to unload onto people. But I feel like, I didn't grow up with a crazy person. I grew up with someone who definitely struggled to create boundaries with his daughter, but he wasn't nuts.
    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    I have lost at least one loved one to suicide -- one that I know for certain. Another one, I suspect but don't know for sure.

    I have also been the one that was suicidal, & what I can tell you from the experience of being in that dark of a place that you don't see any way out is … sm times, there is nothing that others can do for you. If a person is *that desperate* then not only will they find a way to make it happen, but their own reasoning (or maybe more accurately, the reasoning of the mental illness that's doing the talking) makes so much sense to them … why death is necessary, or why they have just given up … they rationalise that for whatever reason(s), others will be better off. idk if that really explains anything, I find it very hard to put that sensation into words.

    It's normal to have the questions you're struggling w/, to wonder what you could have done differently, or if it would have made any difference. Maybe you could have made more of an effort. Maybe it would have been the thing that saved him. But at the same time, maybe not. You said yourself that he went to great, great lengths to plan & carry this off. If I am understanding your timeline correctly, I would place a pretty solid bet that he'd already committed himself long b4 his final attempts to reach out to you. Even if those final conversations that 'you should have had' had happened, & provided you sm closure, I think it's just as likely that his mind was simply already set & talking to him wouldn't have changed it.

    Further, it sounds to me like the main reason you distanced yourself from him wasn't out of malice, but an effort to keep yourself sane. Sm times, that's all we can do -- walk away, or at least step back 'out of swinging reach' to keep another person's harmful behaviour from damaging us as well. It hurts, & it's hard, but we can't fix other ppl. So try to ease up on yourself -- believe me, I know how much easier said than done that is -- you are not to blame here.

    On judgment: I admit that I have also struggled w/ my Catholic upbringing on this, even tho I am a long-lapsed Catholic. You may have heard the old joke abt Catholicism being a lifelong affliction But it really makes me sad & angry to think that a person suffering so much that suicide feels like the only path to relief should be damned, regardless of how inherently good they were in life. To me, that's a steaming load of crap -- no truly merciful, loving God would let that final act of desperation be the deciding factor of judgment. So feel free to tell your judgy relatives to get bent.

    So sry that you're having to go thru this. We are here for you. I hope that your father will find peace, & that you do as well.
    I too have had suicidal moments... with all that's happened, I've looked at my boyfriend with his perfect, easy life and thought, there is no way this can work. My life has been fucking hard. I've never had much family and what I have had is pretty dysfunctional with severe co-dependency, eating disorders, alcoholism, and personality disorders. I've gone through periods where my family would not speak to me and on top of it had severe financial difficulties to the point I was living out of my car. I've been in a treatment facility five times, three times for anorexia and twice for addiction. I moved to a country where I didn't know anyone and had no support system. There were definitely parts of the letter that he left for me that I could understand... but for me, I'm an atheist, I believe when we die we die, we don't come back as a dog or fuck sixty virgins, there is no man counting our sins to let us into the gate or send us down below. And I feel like at the end that was what my fathered believed. And when I have felt that way I have thought back to any moment where I have felt happy and thought, if there is a possibility for me to feel that way again, then I want to stay alive--and I fear nothingness, I mean who wants that? And maybe that didn't suffice for the moment, but after many moments, those feelings went away. And I guess I just can't grasp how after ten days of waiting, days of packing up his stuff, and hours of driving to big bear, he couldn't have thought "yep everything is godawful right now, but I'm not homeless, and there is happiness in the future, like holding my grandchild, so I'll get through it."

    Thank you to all who have left condolences, I do appreciate it.

  25. #15
    God/dess
    Joined
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Down Under
    Posts
    2,078
    Thanks
    4,898
    Thanked 2,463 Times in 1,135 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheeky

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs x
    “Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” -Marilyn Monroe

    "True sexiness has many facets-confidence, strength, intelligence, and humor. It isn’t just about trying to look sexy; it’s an art and one becomes skillful in it when she realizes that there are all these conflicting elements that all come together to make something magical"-Dita Von Teese

  26. #16
    Banned Aniela's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2009
    Location
    KW
    Posts
    3,291
    Thanks
    6,920
    Thanked 5,854 Times in 2,242 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Just wanted to add that my last paragraph re: Catholic judgment wasn't intended to imply that the Catholic view on the subj is inherently correct. I don't think it is, I believe that a good amt of the doctrine is sketchy/contradictory at best, & I hope that part of my post didn't come off wrong. I just meant that I understand how difficult it can be (for you or for your more devout relatives) to reconcile that view when it's sm1 you love who committed suicide, but it doesn't give them the right to be nasty to the deceased or to others who don't share that view.

  27. #17
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    ^I didn't take your post that way at all, more of a criticism of the black/white views that inhabit Catholic beliefs, which is why I am so strongly deterred from the religion. I sometimes wonder if I had been brought up Jewish or from a sect of Christianity filled with less hate and black/white views if I might have not become such a hard-core atheist. But as you said it's hard to completely let it go once it's been drilled into your brain. I might end up baptising my child anyway, just in case.

    We have found a Reverend who belongs to a church with a more spiritual rather than religious set of beliefs and she has been great with planning out the memorial. My mum and I have found some beautiful poems from poets like Shelley and the Bronte sisters as opposed to Bible passages to try and play music from bands like The Beatles (his favourite) to keep the 'god' out of it (and chosen our speakers very carefully to make sure no one is going to get up there and start ranting about the danger of his soul burning in hell). Hopefully it will go well but with my dads alcoholic and just plain weird family you never really know how an event will go.

  28. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to audrey_k For This Useful Post:


  29. #18
    God/dess SnuffleUffleGrass's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2009
    Location
    HearstCastle, Rosebud
    Posts
    8,848
    Thanks
    22,676
    Thanked 17,513 Times in 6,696 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Warning- oversharing post....Right now me and my boyfriend are dealing with his mom's end of life business & it's teaching me that to hold judgement or bitterness is often pointless at the end of it all. This sounds lame but "think of the good times" because most relationships are not 100% bad times and horror...There are happy memories and good things to come out of time spent with someone.

    I hope that doesn't sound like I'm minimizing the hardships. Rather, to enjoy the memorial in the best light, focus on the good things.

    & Lighthearted suggestion- watching the series "Mad Men" taught me a lot about why my mentally ill parent was so troubled and .....weird. A generation ago men and women were required to use very toxic and marginalizing methods to deal with really important emotional issues. The end result was a lot of hurt and dysfunction. I think as time goes on and you age, you will come to understand your father better and you will feel better about everything.

  30. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SnuffleUffleGrass For This Useful Post:


  31. #19
    God/dess lynn2009's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2012
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,147
    Thanks
    8,922
    Thanked 7,163 Times in 2,493 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I don't know what to say other than I am very, very sorry for your loss.
    "There are different kinds of darkness. There is darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful. There is the darkness of lovers, and the darkness of assassins. It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be, needs it to be. It is not wholly bad or good."
    - The Court of Mist and Fury

  32. #20
    Moderator
    Joined
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    901
    Thanks
    635
    Thanked 1,519 Times in 585 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Audrey

    So very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is frequently one of the first big shocks in life, these are the people you have never known the world without.

    Don't be surprised at any of your responses to it, they just 'are'. Right now you are dealing with the technical details, it may take time to really work through this.

    Don't be surprised by others responses, and, if necessary, forgive them.

    As noted before, NOT your fault. While most have these thoughts at some point, we can pull ourselves out of it, out of the negative thought spiral, and obviously he could not.

    Wishing you all the best.

  33. The Following User Says Thank You to oldster For This Useful Post:


  34. #21
    God/dess simone87's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2012
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    5,171
    Thanks
    7,361
    Thanked 9,469 Times in 3,228 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheeky

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    oh my god i'm so sorry!! i can't even imagine losing my father like that, jesus…
    i do come from a very mentally ill family with a sort of a history of suicide..my cousin shot himself last year ( and he had kids too..everybody was reeling and still in denial i think) and i had a serious suicide attempt in 2006, and i gotta say that when you are in that frame of mine ( especially when you mix in mental illness) you just are in so much pain you can't think straight, about anything..you aren't making rational clear decisions. you feel like people would be better off without you, or you just aren't thinking at all, you'll do anything for it to just stop.but this is not your fault in any way shape or form. it took my family literally years to forgive me and even now i think "what the fuck was i thinking?", so its incredible what pain and mental illness can do to you, it warps everything. give yourself lots and lots of time, its going to take awhile to sort through things and work through them. once again I'm really sorry for your loss *hugs*

  35. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to simone87 For This Useful Post:


  36. #22
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,881
    Thanks
    3,026
    Thanked 3,426 Times in 1,229 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Wow, I really feel you on the Catholic family and becoming an atheist at a young age thing. Death is difficult for everyone, but I sometimes envy those who believe there is an afterlife. For us, that's it, game over--all loose ends left untied, and we just have to take it on the chin and keep moving.

    I think the memorial sounds really nice, and that giving yourself time to process is a step in a positive direction. I don't know if you like to read much, but one book that has helped me through difficult times is "Slaughterhouse-Five" by Kurt Vonnegut. It's weird, but it's all about accepting the good and bad that life brings, and choosing the good. Vonnegut was a humanist and wasn't one to pretend life was all giggles and rainbows, but he had a superb sense of humor and seemed to try to make the world a better place in his own small way.

  37. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to tuesdaymarie For This Useful Post:


  38. #23
    God/dess shanna dior's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2008
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    4,980
    Thanks
    621
    Thanked 6,894 Times in 2,672 Posts

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    While I can't relate, I just wanted to add my condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. If you want someone to talk to or just to listen to you, I'm here for you.

  39. The Following User Says Thank You to shanna dior For This Useful Post:


  40. #24
    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    492
    Thanks
    2,228
    Thanked 862 Times in 300 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    I'm incredibly sorry for your loss.

  41. #25
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2010
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    4,570
    Thanks
    4,406
    Thanked 7,481 Times in 2,715 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: dealing with a suicide....

    Audrey, living your life doesn't make you a "shitty daughter." Those burdens were never supposed to be yours. He was supposed to shelter you as a child, not dump his fucked up issues on you. He was supposed to be your hero, your mentor, and your rock. Instead he burdened a young child with his messed up need for support and affirmation and this obviously continued into adulthood. IMHO killing himself in the way that he did was just one last selfish act in a string of them. None of this is on you. Period.

    Now none of this makes losing a father any easier, even a bad one. I am so sorry that this happened and hope that you feel better soon.

  42. The Following User Says Thank You to rickdugan For This Useful Post:


Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Suicide Anyone?
    By Qi in forum Life Support
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: 03-07-2010, 07:36 AM
  2. BA's equal 3X more likely for suicide
    By Rinna in forum Body Business
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 08-09-2007, 08:54 PM
  3. suicide
    By pissymissy in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 02-09-2006, 02:27 AM
  4. Double Suicide.
    By onlythebest in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 01-10-2005, 04:31 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •