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Thread: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

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    Featured Member LaylaLovely's Avatar
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    Dizzy Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Let me rephrase...do " People" ever change?( don't want to make this a men's only issue)

    ive had people tell me " men get better with age..."

    but what I don't get is why wait years apon years( I'm talkin 7-8 years) for someone to change? Shouldn't that person have treated you somewhat good from the get go?

    Im not perfect either , but we're talking huge red flags that barely changed within the last 2 years

    and now I feel it doesn't matter I will always have resentment

    would love to go into detail but yea....... Trolls
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    I think it depends on what kind of change it is.

    If it's like minor flaw type stuff then yeah they can change that but it has to be their idea for the change to last. If it's a maturity issue, only time and experience can change that.

    If it's drug / alcohol type stuff then change can occur once they accept the problem AND get help from professionals.

    If its core personality type stuff then that will be highly unlikely. Ever hear that saying 'never fall in love with a persons potential' ? You'll be waiting forever.
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    "Changing" in terms of simply maturing - sure. Most people do get better with age and maturity. However, that doesn't mean you should stick around for years and years waiting for it to happen with one specific person. I actually think letting them get away with it that long could stunt that maturity. People not only mature with time, but with experience. If some dude is comfortable in his little rut of getting away with shit behavior, why would he ever have a reason to get off his ass and mature? This is where 40-year old parent's-basement-dwellers come from.

    If someone has been showing the same red flags for 2 years, it's time to cut them loose. Maybe he'll mature in a couple more years, but maybe he needs to lose someone to his immaturity to actually spark that happening. Either way, it's not your job to waste your years waiting for something that might happen. Let him move on and work on his flaws, and you should move on and find someone who's mature in the way you need now.
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    Featured Member LaylaLovely's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Lol it's been almost 8 years.....and I feel old as hell from it all...

    And the only reason there's been any change at all is because of my huge attempts / ultimatums I've made at him...left a couple times/ lots of threats to leave and police involvement ...even his own family involvement ( there really nice people and help me out with every time I have trouble with him....
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Sounds more like a petulant child than a grown-ass man.

    8yrs, yeah … nope. Short of sm kind of miraculous re-wiring I think it's safe to say he is set in his ways. His improvement is going nowhere fast. Toss him.

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    Featured Member Cashmere Star's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Quote Originally Posted by LaylaLovely View Post
    Let me rephrase...do " People" ever change?( don't want to make this a men's only issue)
    You can just say men, it's fine. I've seen people back from their phrase and apologize "Why are men.. I mean people" as if not to pigeonhole a whole group but barely see anyone try to be as sensitive when talking about women. Something I've noticed.

    You are right, you shouldn't have to wait for a man to change. Unless something really drastic happens (even then), he'll only change once you left him and it's too late for both of you. By staying, you're only telling the guy his atrocious behavior is okay and that you'll put up with whatever BS he throws at you. Just go find a man who's already the whole package, and start fresh.

    Never rely on anyone to change. 2 years time is PLENTY of time to know if something will work out. Just because you invested so much time in someone doesn't mean you have to keep putting your (limited) eggs in one basket. Even when a guy is begging and saying he will change, and even seemed to have changed (the short honeymoon phase), just leave! There are fine, handsome, and well adjusted men out there who would never throw up 'red flags'! I've been through this before.


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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Don't stay with someone expecting them to change, if they aren't right for you move on to someone who is. Some people do change and get better, some people get worse, most are who they are and expecting them to be any different is a losers bet.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    I think it depends on what kind of change it is.

    If it's like minor flaw type stuff then yeah they can change that but it has to be their idea for the change to last. If it's a maturity issue, only time and experience can change that.

    If it's drug / alcohol type stuff then change can occur once they accept the problem AND get help from professionals.

    If its core personality type stuff then that will be highly unlikely. Ever hear that saying 'never fall in love with a persons potential' ? You'll be waiting forever.
    IME all of this is right on the money. Core personalities don't change and if he has been a certain way for 8 years now, then it is what it is IMHO. I'll also just add that experience and maturity have their limits too. By the time a guy reaches his 30s, he's likely more or less set in his ways and even the smaller things are less likely to change.

    Layla, it sounds like it may be time to move on. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and good luck as you figure it all out.

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Thank you everyone!! I gues I'm asking a question , when I already know the answer ......he's made so many changes..I just wish I wasn't the one that pushed so hard to change him...I wish this was done on his own will..like I said do people change??? Obviously I have!!!! I'm older and more mature now not a barely legal 18 year old (when I met him) there's too much resentment even if he turned into Prince Charming I would still be angry...
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    I know from speaking to my boyfriend and his long-term friends that he's a completely different person with me than he was ten years ago. Stories I have heard about him make cringe, like, seriously cringe... getting slapped, punched, and drinks spilled in the face because he brought one girl to the club and started hooking up with another in front of her. But he's pretty embarrassed when he talks about his past, and I'm glad he got his ten years of fucking everything he could before he met me... better than him living his whole life as a good boy and then realising at forty he wants to taste every kind of pussy.

    However, I wasn't with him at that time, didn't even know him. I met him when he had already decided it was time to move on and that he was ready for something serious, and our relationship has always like that. I worry sometimes because of his past behaviour, but he's always been completely loyal to me, even when I've acted extremely immature and decided I'll flirt with another guy to get back at him for something stupid (I'm still learning). So I think the question is more, why do people change? Do they change? Absolutely. But only because they want to, not because you want them to. So if you're hoping that your boyfriend is going to change just because you want him to, I think it's unlikely... he may change for a week to keep you, maybe even a few months, but he'll go right back to his previous behaviour once it suits him. And unfortunately, when we get into relationships, we tend to form patterns, and it's difficult to change those patterns. Even if he does wake up and decide he wants to be a different person, he may not be able to do that with you.
    Last edited by audrey_k; 06-26-2015 at 02:50 AM.

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Weirdly enough sometimes it depends on age...I met my ex when he was 27 and omg he was the most arrogant, unbearable, cruel asshole. He hit 30 and finally figured himself out and he is now one of the best people I know. We can actually have a constructive friendship, but prior to him hitting his 30's he was unbearable.

    I don't know how old your guy is, or if he was the same age as you, but some guys, if they really want it, they can change. But they must be willing to work on and improve themselves every day. Like any one of us really.

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    if you need them to make major changes, why were you dating him in the first place? And why for 2 years? Trust me, it doesn't get better

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    ^^ (if this is to my earlier comment, I assume it is cos my timeline was 2 years and the OP's is It literally depends on where you are as well in your life. Your life is always a reflection of who you are and where you are at, as are your good and bad choices, especially when it comes to companions. Personally when I met my ex I was not even half the person I am today. Today none of that ish would slide with me, but back then it did because I thought I deserved shitty treatment. If you haven't grown out of that, then you get trapped.

    Also, relating to what the OP says, the younger you are the easier you hope for change, since you are also growing etc. However if you have changed and he hasn't and its been ages, it may be time to move on.

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    People may "change" but will always still be fundamentally who they are.
    People who "change" often change right back when their reason for change walks away after much heartache and wasted years.
    Being young and vibrant of heart is in direct correlation to the people you choose to surround yourself with.
    It is about deciding wether the good in him is "worth" the work it takes on your part to keep him on the straight and narrow.
    At the end of the day this is your life-so someone who essentially wastes it by stealing your joy is a high price to be paid.
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    Featured Member LaylaLovely's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    I was 18 he was like 22 ...fast forward 8 years I'm 25 he's 30 years old...it's been 2 years since major changes...but it's more the resentment that I can't live with...like too much happened I can't get over it all....like why would u do that crap to begin with??

    And why did I date him to begin with?? I was barely 18 naive ..and he's the older good looking jerk...that we all fall for at one point in our life's ...hate to put it that way but it's the truth.
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    ^^ I get that 100%. I can't ever get back with my ex cos of all the damage he did ages ago, so I get the resentment. It might be time to make a fresh start cos that shit never ever goes away, its a wound that will heal when you are away from the situation

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    You already know the answer, you just want confirmation. Just let him go and don't waste another day waiting for him. You're still young n fresh, baby!

    Some people really do change, but it has to come from within. That doesn't sound like the case with your bf. He might've changed superficially, like become "nicer", get a better job, work out more, whatever... but when it comes to the core stuff, like who the person is fundamentally... a rat will be a rat. Some disagree with me, fine, but I am telling it as I saw it among people I've known for years.


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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    People change, when they want to.





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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    If a person has good in them, and is able to get the help they need, then yes. But to an extent. I believe a person will always have their core personality traits, but part of maturing is learning how to control your less than desirable qualities. So even though a person can learn to minimize their flaws, they will always be there. It takes a lot of effort and support to be able to change something you don't like about yourself. I will only help someone else change if I feel like they can, and I see that they are putting in the effort.

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    After posting this and getting all the feedback... I've realized change doesn't matter at this point...what has happened has already happened..and it's obvious I can let that shit go...
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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Quote Originally Posted by rosemead View Post
    You already know the answer, you just want confirmation. Just let him go and don't waste another day waiting for him. You're still young n fresh, baby!

    Some people really do change, but it has to come from within. That doesn't sound like the case with your bf. He might've changed superficially, like become "nicer", get a better job, work out more, whatever... but when it comes to the core stuff, like who the person is fundamentally... a rat will be a rat. Some disagree with me, fine, but I am telling it as I saw it among people I've known for years.
    ^^ spot on - people sometimes do change - but it seems there is more than lack of change going on here.

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Yeah I think the issue here is not him changing (which he won't, sorry to say) but the fact that he did so much shit to you that now you're resentful. I speak from experience now, once that resentment is there, there's no turning back and it'll never be 'back to normal.' Unfortunately, some things are really unforgivable and that's ok! It's time for a fresh start, take it from me it's possible. This guy might change, he probably won't but you never know. But for argument's sake let's say he does...YOU still won't be able to forget all the crap he pulled, so it's not even worth it. Best of luck to you babe

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Let him go, OP you've outgrown him and that resentment and anger towards him will only grow stronger to the point where you don't even want him to touch you. It's time for you to move on. I wish you the best amazing luck. Once you drop the dead weight you'll eventually feel so much better. He's not ready to change, and he probably never will. Don't wait around to find out!




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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Thank you for making this thread! I'm in a situation where I have been waiting three years for my partner to change. While they have changed from their playboy ways, they have not changed in the ways that I really need. As in, when we met, I was under the assumption he would be finishing school and working a great job. Fast forward three years, I'm about to start my career and he has nothing to show for the three years we've been together. Yes, he has a job but it's not a career and he just seems kind of nonchalant about bettering himself and living up to his true potential. I'm beyond over t. And I'm jealous of my classmates whose boyfriends are equally yolked with them and handle their BUSINESS. Like my bf continuously makes poor financial choices and never saves up for anything. He kind of lives in the moment. I hate it. But I love him and am very unsure of how to gracefully leave him and not ruin our friendship. He's not a bad dude I'm just tired of feeling like his mom. Plus I've spent my whole college career in a relationship and I want to see what it's like to be on my own. Sorry if I thread jacked. :/

    Your post and everyone's replies have just made me realize waiting around is wasting my youth.

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    Default Re: Can Men Ever Really Change....?

    Quote Originally Posted by Prettyglitter View Post
    But I love him and am very unsure of how to gracefully leave him and not ruin our friendship.
    Honestly, the odds are good that you can't leave him and expect to keep his friendship. Most guys just aren't wired to be platonic friends with girls that they used to sleep with. In fact, even most guys who are just friends with attractive girls are really hanging around in the hopes of eventually getting more. As much a I hate to say it, you probably need to go into the breakup with the expectation that it's going to push him out of your life.

    But IMHO none of that is a reason to stay with a guy who you don't see a future with. Prolonging the inevitable will only make it hurt more when it happens and leave you living in limbo in the meantime. If you are unhappy, then IMHO the sooner you pull the trigger and begin the grieving process, the better it will be for both of you. Over time you will heal and, with a little luck, find someone more compatible with you.

    Anyway, just my fwiw.

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