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Thread: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

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    Default Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    I would really like some other perspectives on this. I'm trying to work through it myself and can't seem to stop running in circles.

    I've been in a serious relationship for a year in a half, the first nine months were beautiful, the last nine months have been a struggle with moments of bliss that keep us going. How do you gauge when you are simply fighting because you're scared of quitting, and when you're fighting because you truly believe is can work, and can be great? That is honestly where I'm at. We spend much more time at odds with each other, than we do happy with each other.

    He has his fair share of issues (egocentric, dominant to a fault, over emotional, etc.), but of course I'm not without mine (selfish, controlling in an OCD type of way, also over emotional), we have been working to "figure out how to be with each other" for so long now, and I can't for the life of me figure out if we are simply in love with the idea of what our future looks like in our minds, or if we actually love each other as we are.

    I know these are all "million dollar questions", but I would just like to read some other perspectives and experiences. I really don't like sharing intimate details of my relationships with friends or family, so that leaves this medium.

    Thanks

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    Veteran Member HoolaTwister's Avatar
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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Maybe try taking a little break. Agree to not see each other and not talk for a whole week or two. See how that makes you feel about the relationship from a distance. Sometimes, when you're right in it, things aren't clear. Distance makes you see things a bit better.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    I agree with taking a break. My relationship was extremely up and down the first couple of years and we took a few breaks through those times. When I wasn't with my bf and we weren't talking I was a mess. Literally so heart broken over the idea we might never get back together. That's pretty much how I knew I loved him and I didn't want the relationship to end. Luckily he felt the same way every time and we always ended up back together. (I can't really say the same now but that's not the point lol)A break can work also by making you realize what you're fighting over is petty and not worth breaking up over. But if you take a break from him and don't feel that messed up over it then you probably should break up.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Relationship counselling. Thats what my husband and I are doing. I'm also picking up a new hobby (considering Aerial hoop) and have booked in a weekly women only spiritual/tantric yoga.

    Plus E.F.T. counselling and I'm going to fellowship meetings.

    I'm learning about how my subconsious is influencing my life choices and what patterns I have- I'm relearning my communication to.

    I'm not sure about the break thing though- it would have to be with strong intentions about why you wanted space- and even if you do miss him then whats to say it wont happen again further on? I mean, its not really about whether you love him (or is it?) but that you are unhappy at how you are relating? or did I miss something?
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    I think you have to learn how to be good on your own before you can be good with someone else in a long-term relationship. I find that I'm a better person for my boyfriend when I am investing in things I truly care about. I just feel like a more worthwhile person, like we're two individuals who have other parts of our lives than our relationship, and we choose to share those lives out of love, not a fear of being alone or feeling empty.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Breaks don't really work for me either... maybe they do for some, but if you can't work out being together and have to keep putting distance between the two of you, that's a sign something is wrong. I know that when I'm out of contact with a guy I like that I tend to forget all his bad qualities and only think about the good times, or become lonely and want someone around, neither of those are reasons to go back to someone, but to each their own.

    For me I just look at whether I am happier more than I am sad, how serious the difficult issues are, and if we are both willing to work on those issues, the latter being the most important. Relationships are not easy, unless you find a clone of yourself you're always going to have arguments over someone wanting something the other person doesn't, and it's really just how you deal with them and finding a balance so that both people feel like there is room for them in the relationship (but also having enough in common that you don't argue about every single thing). I think when I was younger I had this idea that I was going to find some perfect guy who would always do everything right, never say the wrong thing, want to do everything I wanted to do, never say no to anything I wanted... now I know that doesn't exist. My boyfriend and I have been going through a difficult time since my dad passed a few weeks ago but we are both aware of what the issues are and have had many long conversations trying to come up with solutions to them, so I feel like things will be ok. If we could not have a conversation about it then I would worry. I am also happier more than I am sad in our relationship and really, really don't want to break up with him.

    I think you have to try and focus more on the good of the relationship and what you like about the person than letting conflict and flaws overshadow everything. If it's impossible to do that then the relationship probably isn't working out.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    I don't know how old you or your man are or how much experience you two have with relationships but for me and my SO of 5 years there came a time where we both had to learn how to be in a healthy love relationship.

    Once the initial 2-3 years pass....our hormones go back to normal and we are no longer in crazy butterfly territory...this is where it takes work to make a relationship last especially if its your first of this caliber.

    Its not a stripper thing. Its not a growing up in an unconventional household thing....its two distinctly different people who are both inexperienced with long term commitments to learn how to be in healthy relationship....I think its a learned skill for most people I know. While you are both learning and modifying behaviors I would suggest really paying attention as to whether or not he is capable of growing and being in a healthy relationship with you and if you are both maturing together, having arguments that come to ACTUAL conclusion, modifying habits that may need modification....then you might have found yourself someone for the long haul.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    I want to add that fighting/arguing in a way w/o calling each other names or being disrespectful can be positive if you both try to understand what the root of the problem is and one or both people agree to do something about it vs just fighting to fight and be right. Communication is so important once that honeymoon period is over.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Hi, did u consider see a professional therapist? You may invest ur money expensively, but may be worthy. At least u understand where is the problem between u two guys and then u can choice how to deal with it, trough support.
    I know a good therapist he has this website called learning love institute. They are based in Arizona but give skype sessions. Good luck.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Self work first. Relationship work second. Once you've worked enough on yourself (becoming comfortable with yourself, becoming aware of your likes and dislikes, becoming aware of your triggers and pathologies, becoming aware of what is at your core and how that influences your responses to certain situations / people, etc.), you'll find that knowing whether you're in a healthy relationship or not is very obvious. It is possible to land in a healthy relationship before you've done a lot of work on yourself, but I'd say that happens more rarely.

    And when I say "healthy relationship," let the record show that I do not mean a simple or perfect relationship. My partner is certainly not perfect - we each have our own issues - but our relationship - how we communicate and care for each other - is absolutely, without a doubt, healthy.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Blake1556 View Post
    I would really like some other perspectives on this. I'm trying to work through it myself and can't seem to stop running in circles.

    I've been in a serious relationship for a year in a half, the first nine months were beautiful, the last nine months have been a struggle with moments of bliss that keep us going. How do you gauge when you are simply fighting because you're scared of quitting, and when you're fighting because you truly believe is can work, and can be great? That is honestly where I'm at. We spend much more time at odds with each other, than we do happy with each other.

    He has his fair share of issues (egocentric, dominant to a fault, over emotional, etc.), but of course I'm not without mine (selfish, controlling in an OCD type of way, also over emotional), we have been working to "figure out how to be with each other" for so long now, and I can't for the life of me figure out if we are simply in love with the idea of what our future looks like in our minds, or if we actually love each other as we are.

    I know these are all "million dollar questions", but I would just like to read some other perspectives and experiences. I really don't like sharing intimate details of my relationships with friends or family, so that leaves this medium.

    Thanks
    I agree with getting help and working on yourself first. I'm going through a similar journey as well, which just means that I am also trying to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with my SO with limited tools. Relationship counseling may help, though. Shop around for a therapist who is a good fit for your situation and personality, which can make a big difference in the results you want/need for balanced life perspectives.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Whenever my S.O. are arguing over something (we've been together 18 years. We've got a lot of water under our bridge), I have to keep asking myself "What problem are we trying to solve?"

    An argument is nothing more than a disagreement about a problem and how to solve it, but frequently we get so wrapped up in winning or proving that we're right, that we lose sight of the goal of all arguments; how to solve this problem.

    The next time things start escalating with your partner. Stop and ask yourself and your partner, "What problem are we trying to solve?" That way you aren't at odds, you are both working toward the same goal: solving this problem.

    What problem are we trying to solve here?

    Then state what you believe the problem is. It may be an entirely different problem than what he believes you are arguing about. Once you are on the same page, you can make progress.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    from my experience, it's been about how i deal with my own personal problem/my level of commitment to self actualization. I'm a huge proponent of the "like attracts like" idea...your personal style of energy is matched by someone whose energy/life focus is complimentary. this isn't always a good thing, for example the narcissist/codependent pairing comes to mind. but when you're confident and capable, other aspects of your run a lot smoother and it extends to relationships, too. every year i am more and more independent, and each year i end up in less and less abusive and disappointing partnerships.

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    Default Re: Learning *how* to have a successful relationship

    Yes, narcissist and co-dependent, exactly.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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