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Thread: Is my Significant other over controlling?

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    Default Is my Significant other over controlling?

    I want to start off with this post asking you to please give me your honest opinion and don't spare my feelings.

    I am in a constant state of frustration in my marriage due to his assertive nature regarding our finances. I started camming 2 years ago because we were living paycheck to paycheck and had a good amount of debt. I had hoped (and expressed to him) that I would like to use some of the extra money that I earned to get a few things done (facial laser hair removal) since it is a side effect of a hormonal problem that causes me so distress. I have a extremely hard time camming because I have severe anxiety. It literally takes me 2 hrs to get the nerve to log on and then I have panic attacks several times each shift. He is aware of how hard it is for me.. and he still gets "disappointed" and resents me when I am able to only work 3 hrs a day. He logs on at work to see if I am working. He will text me and ask me how my day is going.. and I know he is only asking because he saw I wasn't working yet. It gives me so much anxiety that he will be checking if i'm online in time. He does the weekly budget and puts in 850.00 per week that I need to earn and if I don't hit the goal or my hourly goal of 15 hrs he becomes passive aggressively upset. I constantly feel like I am a huge disappointment to him and our family. We still have some debt.. but we are doing much better since I've started camming. If I mention that I'd like to get the laser hair removal or something else that is not for the family as a whole he brings up the yearly goal budget that he put together. The thing is that we have around 1000,00 left over each month after all of our bills are paid and groceries college funds ect. and it frustrates me that he gets upset when i ask for 120.00 a month for this. He will eat out everyday for lunch and have his friends over at the house and provide all of the food ect. Things that we don't really need to spend money on.

    I met him when I was only 19 and he was 29. I didn't really have the opportunity to be my own boss and make my own decisions in life. I went from living with my parents and my 1 year old daughter to living with him and eventually marring him 3 years later. He is a wonderful father and a caring husband and I love him dearly. He has worked so hard for our family even working 2 jobs when we need the money.. but I am so angry at him that it is affecting our marriage. I cringe when he touches me and I don't feel like I want to talk to him because I resent him so much. He isn't completely aware of how I feel because I haven't told him recently that it is bothering me again.. although I have in the past and it leads to arguments and fighting.

    I'm at my wits end and I don't even want to talk to him about it anymore because I end up feeling like a selfish person after our talk. I don't even know what to do anymore. I want to be an "Adult " but it feels like the only way I can is by leaving him. Very drastic I know.. since I love him and our family so much. I won't really leave but I think about it sometimes.

    I am being selfish? How can I change this?

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Katie, i feel for u, i know from experience how this feels, it's not you!! he is indeed controlling & the bad news is he will never change unfortunately. Does not really matter what a good hard working husband & father he is, if he treats u like a money maker/ machine & does not allow u to spend the money YOU earned for ur own needs & things like u mentioned, hair removal that will help u with the image on cam WHILE paying for others food & drinks, well then he is a controlling selfish man. We need & like to be spoiled by our men, if he does not spoil & make u happy the way u like then he is not the right man for you. Point is, u are in a delicate situation, not sure what u can do about it.

    I would say, if u cant convince him to pay for ur own needs, how about hiding money from him & do what u need with that money? If u can manage of course, not sure if he sees how much money u make & where, eventually u could splitcam & work a site he does not know about?
    Good luck there & be safe, maybe others can give more input or u can give more info. You two dont have kids together, right? It's ur kid from before marriage that u two raise together, right? Well, this is a disadvantage for you cause he feels entitled to control & do what he wants cause he is 10 years older, raises ur kid & 'takes care of you', for him u are like an adult baby so to say, he knows u cant manage on ur own. Yet. I am sorry for the way u feel, Hugs!

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    I know I'm a lurker and have never posted before but I felt compelled to after reading what you wrote, Katie. In my vanilla life I work with a lot of domestic abuse survivors and I can tell you that what you're describing is financial abuse and it's a way for abusers to control and manipulate. He may be a great dad but he has issues that could easily get worse if he doesn't seek therapy or even recognize that he has a problem. You are absolutely not selfish. He has blatantly disregarded your emotional and mental well-being so that HE can be more comfortable. Honestly... that doesn't seem like a very loving husband. Please reach out to a local domestic violence shelter or a counselor. You don't have to leave him if you're not ready but you need the guidance of people who can support you properly. Be safe!


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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Quote Originally Posted by Katie0 View Post
    I want to start off with this post asking you to please give me your honest opinion and don't spare my feelings.

    I am in a constant state of frustration in my marriage due to his assertive nature regarding our finances. I started camming 2 years ago because we were living paycheck to paycheck and had a good amount of debt. I had hoped (and expressed to him) that I would like to use some of the extra money that I earned to get a few things done (facial laser hair removal) since it is a side effect of a hormonal problem that causes me so distress. I have a extremely hard time camming because I have severe anxiety. It literally takes me 2 hrs to get the nerve to log on and then I have panic attacks several times each shift. He is aware of how hard it is for me.. and he still gets "disappointed" and resents me when I am able to only work 3 hrs a day. He logs on at work to see if I am working. He will text me and ask me how my day is going.. and I know he is only asking because he saw I wasn't working yet. It gives me so much anxiety that he will be checking if i'm online in time. He does the weekly budget and puts in 850.00 per week that I need to earn and if I don't hit the goal or my hourly goal of 15 hrs he becomes passive aggressively upset. I constantly feel like I am a huge disappointment to him and our family. We still have some debt.. but we are doing much better since I've started camming. If I mention that I'd like to get the laser hair removal or something else that is not for the family as a whole he brings up the yearly goal budget that he put together. The thing is that we have around 1000,00 left over each month after all of our bills are paid and groceries college funds ect. and it frustrates me that he gets upset when i ask for 120.00 a month for this. He will eat out everyday for lunch and have his friends over at the house and provide all of the food ect. Things that we don't really need to spend money on.

    I met him when I was only 19 and he was 29. I didn't really have the opportunity to be my own boss and make my own decisions in life. I went from living with my parents and my 1 year old daughter to living with him and eventually marring him 3 years later. He is a wonderful father and a caring husband and I love him dearly. He has worked so hard for our family even working 2 jobs when we need the money.. but I am so angry at him that it is affecting our marriage. I cringe when he touches me and I don't feel like I want to talk to him because I resent him so much. He isn't completely aware of how I feel because I haven't told him recently that it is bothering me again.. although I have in the past and it leads to arguments and fighting.

    I'm at my wits end and I don't even want to talk to him about it anymore because I end up feeling like a selfish person after our talk. I don't even know what to do anymore. I want to be an "Adult " but it feels like the only way I can is by leaving him. Very drastic I know.. since I love him and our family so much. I won't really leave but I think about it sometimes.

    I am being selfish? How can I change this?
    Your not selfish at and btw we have very similar situations!!! Yes I think you are growing and changing.. You are right you have t got a chance to figure out who you were before you met him.now your figuring things out and they might not be with him..in the future. If he's upset about you not going online or is rude about not staying on tell him to buy a butt toy and log on himself since its soo "easy"

    That's been my approach lately...pm me if you need some support
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    You already feel in your gut it seems that the only way to deal with this is to leave him, and you are 100% right in that. Truth is you could probably may WAY more money on your own, knowing that the money you are making will go toward taking care of your own mental health and needs.

    Also, the fact that he dictates what you must earn to suit HIM and checks up on you is fucked up. I would say geo-block so he can't find you online AT ALL and then slowly work on stashing cash away, lie about your earnings if you must, but please get away from this. This is not going to get better, in fact, controlling is one of the first signs of abuse and abuse always escalates. For the sake of your daughter and yourself, leave.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    This is awful. Relationships are supposed to be 50/50 which means that one person shouldn't be controlling the other.
    I hope it gets better for you.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Oh, please, please don't fall for this shit. He sounds like a pimp, because that's what he is acting like (speaking from experience as someone who was in a relationship with someone who turned out to be exactly that). Setting financial goals for you, getting mad when you don't meet them, guilting you over things you want to do with your own money, not appreciating the effort you're already making... please be careful. These are not things someone who loves you would say and do to you. You need to tell him that your schedule and goals, financial and otherwise, are yours to set, not his--and he better handle that well. Otherwise you might end up like I did, with someone breathing down your neck saying "if you don't make money for me, what worth or value do you have to me?" and you believing it! Be safe.
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Leave him sweety.Seek help ,he is abusing you.This is not normal to be happening in a relationship based on respect and love.There is no respect and love from what I read.I'm sorry you are going thru this,no woman deserves an abusive bf/husband .And no,you are not selfish at all.Start doing things for yourself,spend on yourself,treat your anxiety and panic and your life should improve.Hugs.
    Last edited by adris; 07-18-2015 at 06:30 PM.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    It sounds to me like he wants you to NEED him (you mentioned that you lived with your parents prior to moving in with him) so that it's easy for him to control you. He's eating out all the time, and always having his buddies over at your house, and spending money on food for them, and you have to ASK him for money (and then that pisses him off)? This sounds like a miserable relationship to be in. Violet_Z is right...it's supposed to be 50/50, and this definitely is not. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this type of bullshit.
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    I was in a situation like this, it took me 3 whole years (even though I was out the dudes house after the first year) to shake the damage etc of this type of thing...please please please leave. PM me if you wanna chat etc, I'm here for you.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Plain and simple, he's treating you like a cash cow and that's very sad. Why do you have to ASK to spend a portion of what YOU make? Can't wrap my head around that one.


    Quote Originally Posted by Katie0 View Post
    . but I am so angry at him that it is affecting our marriage. I cringe when he touches me and I don't feel like I want to talk to him because I resent him so much. He isn't completely aware of how I feel because I haven't told him recently that it is bothering me again.. although I have in the past and it leads to arguments and fighting.


    ^^ This was the part that stuck out to me most, personally, because I've been there. If you can't even stand for him to touch you because you feel so much resentment towards him, it's time to call it quits. When I started feeling like that towards my ex, who was treating me like a cash cow also, it literally DISGUSTED me to lay beside him at night. And on top of that you can't even sit down like 2 normal adults and talk about how you feel? He's gotta go bb.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    You must leave him.
    Think that camming can bring you so much financial satisfaction, that in short time won't miss him around you anymore.
    Being independent will allow you to solve your anxiety, invest money in your own image and make even more money, because , we all know that where you invest, you get back double.
    You don't need him. You can move whenever you pussy wants because u will afford that. Don't fall for his bullshit. No woman in this world deserves to be treated like a cash cow. MEN DO!!!
    Period.
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Quote Originally Posted by absolutelyadorable View Post

    ^^ This was the part that stuck out to me most, personally, because I've been there. If you can't even stand for him to touch you because you feel so much resentment towards him, it's time to call it quits. When I started feeling like that towards my ex, who was treating me like a cash cow also, it literally DISGUSTED me to lay beside him at night. And on top of that you can't even sit down like 2 normal adults and talk about how you feel? He's gotta go bb.
    This is SO TRUE. I was in a semi-similar situation when I was younger. I lived with my parents, and was finally treated like an adult at 18/19, and I was with a very controlling man for four years at the time. During our last year, I literally did NOT want to cuddle, and I would be disgusted at the thought of having sex with him. The only way I would do so is if I were drunk (which, he quickly figured out…) When I finally moved out and into my own place (well, with roommates), I gained complete independence and finally left him. But I knew, that the withdrawing of intimacy due to resentment was the nail on the coffin….

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Ok, I'm coming from a different place than most of the advice here and I definitely don't mean to offend. I've been in more than one situation involving an overly controlling person and frankly it bugs me how quickly people are ready to jump on the "just leave his ass, he'll never change" wagon. We don't know your situation beyond what you've said and you have a family.

    With that in mind, my advice is that unless you feel you are in actual danger, like he shows signs of being violent, I'd say there's no need to leave him. You just need a serious attitude adjustment - if you're feeling guilty, you're allowing him to walk all over you and if things are really so easy for him, of course nothing will change. You could potentially benefit from therapy/life coaching in a way of building your own inner strength up. Then... just don't let him have his way about it. Unless he's physically threatening, it's really very easy once you get your head on straight. Matter-of-factly inform him that he won't be controlling what you do with your earnings anymore, you will put in for your share of family expenses and the rest is none of his business. He'll be sure to try to make life miserable for you in emotionally manipulative ways but if you don't give in, he'll have to either adjust or leave. Then you don't have to leave, you don't have to be "the one to break up the family" and you can feel empowered knowing you gave him every chance to hop on board and start acting like a reasonable partner.

    The main trick I'd say is in the attitude; give any indication that you feel bad for doing it and he'll likely exploit those feelings like a 2 year old who wants to keep that toy you said he can't have anymore.

    I get that resentment might be too built up by now, but honestly, your rolling over and letting him treat you this way is where the bulk of that anger is coming from. You're mad at yourself for being weak and you project it onto him because that's what we naturally tend to do when we don't want to admit we're more in control of a situation than how we're acting. I'm only saying this because you talk about how great your relationship is and how wonderful a family man he is otherwise. If there's something to salvage, you owe it to yourself to grow a pair and put your foot down.
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    He shouldn't be spying so much. I'm assuming he makes more than $850 a week ?
    Obviously, if he expects you to earn more than he does , that's an even bigger red flag.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    The short answer is yes. Have you tried making a financial plan with him? put together a list of all the bills & reoccurring expenses (like groceries, pet supplies, gas, ect) and have a look at it together. make sure you make a separate list of all of the things that need to be cut down on (like his eating out). You'd be surprised how big of a reality check it is when someone can actually SEE how much they are throwing away on unneeded items. after that, it should be relatively easy to persuade him to put that money to better use and start packing a lunch, especially if it means you both could be debt free in a short while.

    I've been in a similar boat before with someone who was obsessed with hunting & small batch bourbon. despite the fact that he made twice what i did per month, he was always broke, in debt, and spending money on crap he didn't need (I mean who needs a $3000 collapsible winter water fowl blind in MAY?! better yet, who needs a bottle of booze that costs 1/4 of a pay check!?). Even though I split all of the regular bills with him, I'm extremely frugal by nature. He'd get mad because I refused to spend $300 on my "share" of groceries per week, despite the fact that i extreme coupon (which would get that number down to less than $50 per week easily), rarely eat out, and get a farm share for my fresh fruits/veggies to save some $. He would also talk about how lazy I was for not working a 40hr cam week (which we all know would be hellish at best). Most people don't understand what it's like to entertain hundreds or even thousands of people for hours on end. It's a metric crap ton of work! 3-4hrs at a time is all I can take & people who have only had vanilla jobs can't relate, therefore they judge.

    I learned pretty quickly that just because we lived together, it didn't mean that I had to partake in his bad choices. YOU know what's best for YOU. Make a separate bank account & use your money as you see fit. Split the necessary bills with him and keep the rest in the separate account. If he's mad because you wont foot his extra expenses, he has no one to blame but himself for his reckless spending. The sooner you put your foot down, the sooner you'll know if you have a chance of saving the relationship or if you should just leave. If you're really determined to make it work or don't believe in divorce, going to couples counseling would also be extremely wise.

    slight side note: I also have pretty bad anxiety & know what it's like to have to push yourself to get online even when you feel like a deer in the headlights. I found that making fetish clips was a HUGE help & made it a lot easier to get myself on cam. Plus, it's a great form of extra income!
    Everything will work itself out for the better in the end, even if it requires change. I wish you all the best.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Id say he is controlling because the finances/financial planning seem completely one sided. It's one thing to have goals and be motivated by your husband but dude is going overboard.

    You could play him at his own game. Bust out the calculator every time you notice him Wasting money, which probably amounts to more than $120/month and request he pay for your personal beauty expense. If he's not going to treat you occasionally to what you Want then you should be able to open a personal account that you can contribute a portion of your earnings to spend however you want.

    Constant disagreements over Money is a top reason couples end relationships. Definitely be open with him on how you're feeling. Worst case, You may have to work this out with a professional marriage counselor if you need help.
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Hear me out. I don't think he is in the wrong.

    A marriage is a partnership. It seems like he is pulling most of the weight, and I don't think it is wrong to not expect you to work towards contributing to the household as well. So you leave him, how are you going to survive on your own? It doesn't seem like you don't have a good work ethic. If you want things, you need to work hard and overcome your troubles. Get help with your anxiety, because if it is crippling you this much that you can't work, how are you going to provide for yourself if you are on your own? How do you expect to provide for your daughter?


    I'm guilty of this too. Sometimes I won't work when I say or know when I need to. My husband will see this, and ask me what is going on while he is at work. That doesn't make him a pimp. I would be doing the same if my husband wasn't getting up in the mornings for work. Because we need to survive, and pay bills.


    Go to a financial adviser. Get a real budget down. Cut out eating out, frivolous spending, ect.





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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    ^^^ Technically u are right about what u saying there but i add the question "And where is the love?" Aren't people supposed to love eachother when in a relationship? And if i love my partner dont i need to show my love to him/ her & make him/ her happy by just putting my partner before my friends for example?
    I mean yeah, we are partners but relationships are not just about contributing to expenses & working together to make the money & provide, so on, it's about LOVE in the 1st place or it should be about love, if there is love everything works out, right? And i feel he does not love her because when u love somebody u wanna make that person happy, she is not happy....

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Forget about money and expenses,where is his support?She is having a hard time because of anxiety and what he does is controll her if online or not and EXPECT her to make a certain amount every month.You can not put pressure on a person suffering of anxiety and panic,that only makes their condition worse.I understand Katie told him how she feels about this in the past.Which means things haven't improved if they are now in a similar situation.Which leads me to to only one conclusion:some people just won't change.
    Anxiety can make you feel that you cant make it on your own and depending on how severe it is ,it can be true,but that does not mean others should be allowed to have any controll over you.
    My ideal partner will never tell me to get online,will never ask how much I've made,will never tell me how much I should make and will never comment my personal expenses.Oh ,and he should never visit my chat room.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    I just wanted to give a quick thank you to everyone that posted a reply. You all have every valid points and I appreciate the support. ❤️ I have a lot to think about. I'll probably make a longer post later today.. But just wanted you all to know that I read your replys and appreciate each and every one.

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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    I probably come from a bit milder perspective also. When I first met my hubby I was a "co-dependent" to a T. It put us both into roles for a long time that neither of us could easily shake. Over time it did slide in that direction, and we even tried on a few hats in the "D/s" category. The thing is, I wasn't a really a sub (and he wasn't really a dom type), so formalizing this dynamic didn't work well either - big tragi-comedy material actually.

    The new approach was when we started the BoleynModels business, and basically he said "I'm going back to school - sink or swim." Everything for the business went in my name and suddenly I was responsible for real adult things on a consistent and regular basis. I hated him for that, and it was a painful transition out of being dependent (and feeling weak for it) to being "the fucking CEO, like a baws!". But, after a few months it changed everything.

    My suggestion is that you have an honest talk that you don't want this dynamic and that you need to be put in a shock therapy situation. You will (as a couple) try and fail at a few things before you find something that works. If he loves you, he'll realize that parent-child dynamics don't work for dependent personality types and you can figure out what works. Its extremely hard if you're struggling financially, but we made it. From what you wrote, you do have a lot more self-awareness than I did at that point years ago.

    "Daily pay ALL the things!"
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  43. #23
    God/dess audritwo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    I'm just going off what OP said. No where did she say he ignores her, or doesn't show any affection. I assumed it is there. You don't normally marry someone because you don't love them.

    Things you need in a relationship especially in a marriage:

    LOVE (duh)
    communication
    teamwork
    time management
    financial management



    Is he handling it properly? No, not the best. But when you live with someone and you are sharing bills, your income is not totally private. This can be said with roommates.


    I'm probably gonna make some people steam, but OP is not pulling her weight. Would you sit by while your partner isn't working and you are left with all the finances? It is stressful. I don't think OP's hubby is going about it the right way, because he may not know how. If OP is having anxiety that is preventing her from working, then she should go seek therapy and maybe medication. I think you guys are jumping the ship here. But there are obviously other factors we are not seeing here. OP's husband obviously doesn't trust that she isn't working, and that is why he is checking. Because she isn't working when she probably promised she would be. Now if it is impossible for OP to make the $850 a week or whatever, maybe they talk about hours. Pull in x amount of hours. Work 15-20hours a week. The more consistently OP works, the more her income will go up. We all know this.


    Now I don't know what hair OP wants lazered off. But, waxing kits are not that expensive. And she can do that in the mean time, if that is what is making her self conscious and filled anxiety of camming.





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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    Is there a way that I can make my posts on this thread viewable to only members?

  46. #25
    God/dess audritwo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is my Significant other over controlling?

    There is a cammodel verified only section





    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Red View Post
    Audritwo's asshole sees all, knows all. Spurs on armies of orcs. Casts fear into the dwindling races of Middle-Earth. Fears hobbits.

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