I want to start off with this post asking you to please give me your honest opinion and don't spare my feelings.
I am in a constant state of frustration in my marriage due to his assertive nature regarding our finances. I started camming 2 years ago because we were living paycheck to paycheck and had a good amount of debt. I had hoped (and expressed to him) that I would like to use some of the extra money that I earned to get a few things done (facial laser hair removal) since it is a side effect of a hormonal problem that causes me so distress. I have a extremely hard time camming because I have severe anxiety. It literally takes me 2 hrs to get the nerve to log on and then I have panic attacks several times each shift.He is aware of how hard it is for me.. and he still gets "disappointed" and resents me when I am able to only work 3 hrs a day. He logs on at work to see if I am working. He will text me and ask me how my day is going.. and I know he is only asking because he saw I wasn't working yet. It gives me so much anxiety that he will be checking if i'm online in time. He does the weekly budget and puts in 850.00 per week that I need to earn and if I don't hit the goal or my hourly goal of 15 hrs he becomes passive aggressively upset. I constantly feel like I am a huge disappointment to him and our family. We still have some debt.. but we are doing much better since I've started camming. If I mention that I'd like to get the laser hair removal or something else that is not for the family as a whole he brings up the yearly goal budget that he put together. The thing is that we have around 1000,00 left over each month after all of our bills are paid and groceries college funds ect. and it frustrates me that he gets upset when i ask for 120.00 a month for this. He will eat out everyday for lunch and have his friends over at the house and provide all of the food ect. Things that we don't really need to spend money on.
I met him when I was only 19 and he was 29. I didn't really have the opportunity to be my own boss and make my own decisions in life. I went from living with my parents and my 1 year old daughter to living with him and eventually marring him 3 years later. He is a wonderful father and a caring husband and I love him dearly. He has worked so hard for our family even working 2 jobs when we need the money.. but I am so angry at him that it is affecting our marriage. I cringe when he touches me and I don't feel like I want to talk to him because I resent him so much. He isn't completely aware of how I feel because I haven't told him recently that it is bothering me again.. although I have in the past and it leads to arguments and fighting.
I'm at my wits end and I don't even want to talk to him about it anymore because I end up feeling like a selfish person after our talk.I don't even know what to do anymore. I want to be an "Adult " but it feels like the only way I can is by leaving him. Very drastic I know.. since I love him and our family so much. I won't really leave but I think about it sometimes.
I am being selfish? How can I change this?



He is aware of how hard it is for me.. and he still gets "disappointed" and resents me when I am able to only work 3 hrs a day. He logs on at work to see if I am working. He will text me and ask me how my day is going.. and I know he is only asking because he saw I wasn't working yet. It gives me so much anxiety that he will be checking if i'm online in time. He does the weekly budget and puts in 850.00 per week that I need to earn and if I don't hit the goal or my hourly goal of 15 hrs he becomes passive aggressively upset. I constantly feel like I am a huge disappointment to him and our family. We still have some debt.. but we are doing much better since I've started camming. If I mention that I'd like to get the laser hair removal or something else that is not for the family as a whole he brings up the yearly goal budget that he put together. The thing is that we have around 1000,00 left over each month after all of our bills are paid and groceries college funds ect. and it frustrates me that he gets upset when i ask for 120.00 a month for this. He will eat out everyday for lunch and have his friends over at the house and provide all of the food ect. Things that we don't really need to spend money on.
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Everything will work itself out for the better in the end, even if it requires change. I wish you all the best.


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