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Thread: Workplace issue

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    Thumbs down Workplace issue

    My boss is perving on me, maybe not on purpose but it's a problem. We have a lot in common, get along great and his management style is "Cool Boss".....but I'm getting uncomfortable when he brings up sexual topics in conversation.

    He tried bringing up the books "50 Shades Of Grey" & all I had to say was a fact about the series (it's based on a bestselling young adult book series, Twilight.) I kind of walked off to make it clear I wasn't comfortable.

    Ugh, any ideas about how to approach this topic without causing worse feelings on both ends? On days where I succeed at not talking about anything problematic at work, he jokes about whether I am hung over......Basically his personality is annoying sometimes but he is my boss and handling him properly helps my future at work.

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    Featured Member LaylaLovely's Avatar
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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Get a Pretend Boyfriend

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    LOL my boss has met my boyfriend, which I guess is part of why this is all so difficult. Boss asked us to meet him for drinks & we did (Boss's son was there too, he is 21 & works in the same department.)

    We did this once but I don't want to again & declined an invite yesterday.

    For now I am just going to cool it on all conversations, if that is what it takes to kill this issue. It is sad but I worry about other employees saying something to the head manager, or things just getting more uncomfortable.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Is there someone above him you can talk to or someone in HR or something? At my previous vanilla job I had a coworker who was promoted to manager and as soon as that happened he started being really creepy. I let it slide for a little while until I just got so tired of it I told the owner of the business that the guy made me feel really uncomfortable. The owner 'had a talk' with the manager and it solved the issue. It was a little awkward with my manager but at least he wasn't being a creep anymore.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Is he doing it awhile ? maybe if you keep ignoring he will eventually get bored & quit.

    If not then have a talk with his boss.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    I am assuming you are referring to a regular job instead of sex work. I have no advice if this thread is about sex work.

    How about asking him to stop bringing up sexual topics at work? You could ask to speak with him privately and say something like:

    "Hey John. I really like working here and you are a great boss. I have a favor to ask. Would you mind cooling it on the sexual topics? I know they are innocent; however, they make me a little uncomfortable and I want to stay focused on the work. Is that okay with you?" <Let him respond. He will probably agree.> "Thank you so much, John. (While you are smiling) Let's put this behind us and get back to work."

    Your boss may think he is being "cool"; however, unwanted sexual overtures in the workplace is sexual harassment and it is important that you tell him to stop. One of the first things you have to do in sexual harassment situations is let the other person know his or her overtures are not wanted. In the above text, I have suggested you should be as gentle as possible while still asking him to stop. It's important you ask him to stop directly. If he doesn't and you need to go to HR or his management, you can always say you told him to stop.

    If you want to preserve a good working relationship, I do not recommend going over his head without talking to him first. Good luck with whatever you decide!

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Not sure what to tell you because I have been on your side of this before and I ended up giving my manager the cold shoulder, turned him down on multiple invites where I would have been the only person from the company there and he eventually fired me. It was a college job so I didn't think much of it...I was too busy with my studies but I'm not sure how I'd handle it in a professional job.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    rickrocker00 has the best advice IMO. Only difference is don't ASK him to stop, you tell him what needs to happen. Not "would you mind cooling... is that okay with you?"

    Don't give him any space to say no or make excuses to continue his behavior. You being uncomfortable isn't something he can reason himself out of unless he tries to say you're too sensitive, then that's outright disrespect on his part and he can get in deep shit for that. It doesn't matter if he's your boss, you have basic rights to feel comfortable in your own workplace. Remember that you have power too - if he hired you, he needs you, and it will be a PITA for him to replace you so it's in his favor to do what you want.

    Always refer to you. "It makes me uncomfortable when topics like this are brought up", "It distracts me from my work", "Please do not that again, I would appreciate it".

    It's not good to beat around the bush when it comes to your boundaries. Be specific and direct, take him aside and tell him how uncomfortable it is, human to human.


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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Yeah it's a regular workplace. AFAIK he doesn't know about my past as a dancer. I get the feeling he gets "confused" when younger women are really nice to him, since he is really shy and gentle....

    Things are better lately & I will be very clear with him when I get a chance to talk one on one.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    We have all heard: it's not what you say, but how you say it.

    Asking your boss to stop is less confrontational that telling him to stop. In either case, the OP would be communicating the same message: she does not want to discuss sexual topics at work with him. I suggested asking him because this approach has a higher chance of preserving a good working relationship with a man who has direct influence over her income and her chance for advancement. Also, I'm giving her boss the benefit of the doubt and assuming he is a decent guy who has just gotten carried away. In this situation, a softer approach is better and less likely to have lasting effects. He may even appreciate the sensitivity the OP displays if she chooses to ask him nicely.

    On the other hand, I don't know the boss. He could be a real life troll for all I know. In these situations, a direct approach is best while looking for another job.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Truly their are very few situations were both parties actually sit and end the problem well. Because if the boss has done this with you most likely it's been done before.
    My suggestion would be to start finding another Job were you can be treated fairly and not ever have to deal with situations like this.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Quote Originally Posted by LaylaLovely View Post
    Get a Pretend Boyfriend

    ^I agree, mentioning a fake bf or gf in conversation is easier and more subtle as an initial "I'm not interested" hint i.e. ask how their day off/week has been and conveniently mention what you did with said fake bf or gf. Any normal person would back off. On the other hand, he may be like this with everyone-while it's inappropriate, I have had mangers like this in the past. Sometimes, because of the nature of the industry some people don't realize they are acting in a manner that's unacceptable and others are just plain creepy lol. Sorry that you are dealing with this, it's uncomfortable.
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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    report him

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Just wanted to say that, based on what OP has revealed of the situation thus far … all this 'find another job' & 'don't TELL him he is being offencive bc that might hurt his wittle feewings, you need to be sensitive to that & just ASK him to stop' sounds like pushover bs to me.

    OP is just as entitled to a safe, hassle-free work environment as any other person at that office. She shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells to keep from offending this guy, or afraid for her job bc he doesn't like being told that he is crossing a line. It's possible to remain polite while being direct & firm when addressing inappropriate behaviour.

    OP, start w/ the offender. Tell him politely but w/ no 'wiggle room' that his comments are really inappropriate for the workplace & they need to stop. If he gets a case of the ass, go directly to HR. You should also be documenting these incidents so you have smtg to bring to HR if it comes to that.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Oddly enough yesterday two other people in the department pretty much said the same things I am saying here, so it looks like a bunch of people will be complaining now.

    I will update. The sad part is this job is so lame that me having to get all upset about this is ....depressing. I think my boss is just really immature & way to much like a strip club customer for my liking....

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    Just wanted to say that, based on what OP has revealed of the situation thus far … all this 'find another job' & 'don't TELL him he is being offencive bc that might hurt his wittle feewings, you need to be sensitive to that & just ASK him to stop' sounds like pushover bs to me.

    OP is just as entitled to a safe, hassle-free work environment as any other person at that office. She shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells to keep from offending this guy, or afraid for her job bc he doesn't like being told that he is crossing a line. It's possible to remain polite while being direct & firm when addressing inappropriate behaviour.

    OP, start w/ the offender. Tell him politely but w/ no 'wiggle room' that his comments are really inappropriate for the workplace & they need to stop. If he gets a case of the ass, go directly to HR. You should also be documenting these incidents so you have smtg to bring to HR if it comes to that.
    OP, 100% this IMHO. To take it a step further, I would be prepared to escalate this to your boss' boss if your direct supervisor doesn't handle it well or starts singling you out for bad treatment after you tell him to stop. Your supervisor may be a dipshit, but the odds are good that his boss will have a greater sensitivity to the problems that your supervisor could end up causing the company.

    It is called sexual harassment and it is illegal in plain vanilla workplaces. As a small business owner with employees, I can assure you that someone up the food chain understands the potential ramifications and will want to put a stop to it ASAP. The sign about sexual harassment that is posted in almost every employee break room or kitchen (including mine) is there for a reason. IMHO you should be proactive and be ready to escalate at the first sign of trouble. It is better to be on the offensive rather then letting your supervisor cause a lot of trouble and start padding your personnel file against you.

    Good luck as you work through this.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    As a small business owner with employees, I can assure you that someone up the food chain understands the potential ramifications and will want to put a stop to it ASAP.
    ^^ This. If this is happening to multiple people in the company it will be fixed very quickly. I tell my employees that I think of them as family. That means harassing any women under my employ will be treated just like you did that to my sister. Firing guys like this is one of the easiest decisions to make as an owner. Worrying about competitors is hard enough without having to fight a bad work environment.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Any news? I know it's hard to take the first step but you should really talk to his manager or HR. My first manager out of college harassed me verbally for the longest time and small stuff like standing too close to me next to computers, he used to whisper into my ear instead of talking normally. He finally asked me out, I declined (he was like pushing 60, my god) and he was a total dick to me after. There was one episode where he was SCREAMING at me, I thought he was going to throw a pen or something. Went on over 6 months. I didn't think I could do anything when he didn't *really* do anything physically until one day my coworker came to my almost in tears (we had a really small group it was only our manager, her, myself, and other one guy) saying our manager had talked about getting me fired and she was going home for the day. No idea what she was thinking leaving me there w/o her. In any case she finally went above our manager's head to his manager. Boss' boss called me the next day and he and the HR director took red-eye flights that night to fire my manager the next day. It was actually kind of touching how quickly they acted on it even though I know they were just protecting their asses.
    Also, Idk how much this has affected you but don't be afraid to ask for compensation if you think it's fair. At the time my co-worker encouraged me to ask for the company to pay for therapy and I didn't because I just wanted to drop it. But now that it's been years it's kind of undeniable to myself that it's made my anxiety worse, particularly w/ male managers. And I feel terrible about being uncomfortable around them when they haven't given me a reason to.
    "There are different kinds of darkness. There is darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful. There is the darkness of lovers, and the darkness of assassins. It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be, needs it to be. It is not wholly bad or good."
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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Update- I am dealing with a manchild. To make matters worse we have so much in common my boss seems a bit too interested in everything in my life, but also says really ...odd/judgemental things when I say things that make him uncomfortable. (Usually has to do with the violence in my background.)

    It's also pissing me off that he will often insist on going on rambling conversations when it cuts into our productivity...My job is kind of hard so having him distracting me causes me to not pay attention to my work. I kind of wonder if he is trying to angle me into a situation where he can extort favors somehow, or just needle me about things when he's not getting attention like he wants.

    TL ; DR This is why women hate men.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    maybe you should talk to someone higher up.

    I never put p with things like this it's either talk to someone or leave.

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    Default Re: Workplace issue

    Can you just be straight with him and tell him that conversations about erotic literature and BDSM in the office is very inappropriate? You could maybe phrase it as in, "You know, if we were in a bar or something this wouldn't bother me, but talking about things like 50 Shades of Grey should really not done in a professional environment, ok?"

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