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    Senior Member Bambibabe's Avatar
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    Angry Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I am currently being made to choose between my partner (only been 6-7 months) and continuing to work in clubs or elsewhere in the industry. Obviously it's a pretty tough choice for me, and I'm scared of making the wrong one. I'm split pretty 50/50. Has anyone been in the same situation? What did you do, and do you have any regrets?

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Oh for fuck's sake!! Another whiny "my boyfriend doesn't like me stripping" post. Unless he is going to pay all your bills and support you, then ditch the loser. Seems pretty cut and dried to me. It's not a very tough choice to choose between your livelihood and a whiny brokeass anchor holding you down. Grow a pair and be a big girl.
    My abusive ex forced me to quit. Never again. Money over dick every time.
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Yes. I left. I don't have any regrets but I do miss him. However, there is no shortage of successful men who will spoil me and are okay with me dancing... At the club.
    Dress to kill the wallet.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Yes, 5 years ago I left my psycho boyfriend so that I could become a stripper and be independent. I was sick of relying on him for everything, and him being a cheap, selfish son of a bitch. I do not regret it one bit, it was the best decision I ever made. My life became so much better, I learned so much and became so much tougher and stronger. It was liberating! In the beginning it was hell because he would not let me go and resorted to stalking and harrassing me by showing up at my club and making threats (to which I had to call the police). I ended up getting a restraining order on him and since then, I have never heard from him or seen him. But I've been dancing ever since, and I've had a wonderful, successful career as a dancer.
    With your situation, you need to ask yourself: do you like what you do? does it make you happy? are you successful at it? are you able to seperate your work life from your personal life and not let if effect your relationship? if you answered yes to most of these, then your boyfriend should be accepting of your choice. He made the decision to enter into a relationship with you knowing what you do, so if it bothers him now and he regrets it, he's free to leave. He has no grounds to make you choose between him and your career. That is selfish of him, and he cant control your life like that. Would you be unhappy if you quit your job to be with him? that right there is your answer. If you think he's worth it, then you can give your job a break, test it out a little. If it does not work, you always have this industry to fall back on. Really think about everything before making your final decision.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Choice A: Stay in a baby relationship (6-7 months is a blink of an eye, really) and resent your boyfriend for 'making' you quit while you struggle to get by with a vanilla job (presumably) or leech money off of him instead.

    Choice B: Leave your baby relationship (because you're an independent chica who isn't comfortable quitting a career for someone you just met), and find someone who is comfortable with all aspects of your identity to replace someone who is clearly not an ideal match for you.

    Remember, we're only responding to what you posted, as you have 100% of the details of your relationship and we have very few details. Based on what you posted, it seems like a very clear choice. If you'd posted something more like "We've only been together for a short time, but I'm completely sure that this is the love of my life, and he wants me to quit streetwalking because he's worried about my safety," or something along those lines, you'd be getting different advice!

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?


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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    The only wrong choice here is picking your boyfriend of 6 months. You two barely know each other. My bf of 4 years tried to give me an ultimatum a few times (including early on) and every time I've always said 'unless you're willing to pay all my bills then shut the fuck up'. And he did. If he actually stuck with his ultimatum and broke up with me I would've said good riddance. In my opinion I'm 23 and theres no need for me to be struggling financially and especially not for some loser who just has some confidence issues.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I dumped a guy through an email b/c he was very very jealous/possessive AND said I was better off working as a hotel maid than as a stripper. This same guy was a mega (daily smoker) pothead who lived with his parents, was slumming his way through University, and he also never exercised.

    At the time I also had a small lump on my breast & I had told him I needed to be working enough to get medical insurance to get it checked out (this was a decade before Obamacare happened.)

    (For these reasons, I never thought of him again. I resent he treated our relationship as a "magical mystery tour" of romance when I was seriously struggling in every part of my life. Fuck him!!! urrrgh!!!!)

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I don't think it's fair to say that the best option for OP is her to leave her boyfriend for her job. OP, if you're in a situation where you don't NEED sex work in order to survive and you also think your relationship has great potential then maybe give up sex work for a while. Because you can always go back. But if sex work helps you pay your bills, live comfortably, and you wouldn't be as happy working a vanilla job then you obviously should put your comfort and happiness over this guy.
    The best thing you can do is communicate with your boyfriend. Find out exactly why he doesn't want you to do sex work and see if you can compromise first. We have 0 info about your relationship so it's impossible for you to get non-biased answers from here.
    You shouldn't let someone hold you back from doing something you want or need to do, but realistically you shouldn't throw someone away over something that might be trivial.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    ^ It's more an issue of control than anything. Guys who tell their gf to quit dancing are usually control freaks in another way, and it's usually an unhealthy relationship in other facets. I've yet to see someone come back and say "I left dancing for him and I'm happy!" It's always "I regret it and I'm mad I wasted so much time struggling for him".
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I did go through a break up where dancing was one of the issues. basically his family didn't approve of me, and dancing was the main reason why...I was like "Well that's too bad because I sure as hell don't see you or your family paying my bills and I'm putting myself through school and 100% supporting myself sooo Seeya!"I mean I can understand if you get serious with a guy and you're an escort or something and he's like "Hey could you maybe not have sex other dudes anymore now?" But stripping is lap dances..............and dancing on a pole............it's so silly sometimes I can't believe I make $$ from it........give me a break. Guys who get seriously jealous over it are little bitches.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Technically, yes, I have. I mean, our relationship had lots of other problems too but I'd be lying if I said that wanting to go back to sex work wasn't a big motivating factor to finally just do it and end things. We were together for 2 years, and I still don't regret ending things to do my thing. In fact, I'm still angry with myself for how long I waited and allowed my life to get dragged down into a crappy, unmotivating, debt-filled life (like that of my boyfriend's and roommate's) before saying enough and going back to what I truly felt was right for me.

    If a boyfriend is expecting you to lower your expectations for your own life in order to make him comfortable and not have to do any of his own mental and emotional work, walk away. You'll never regret putting yourself first when it involves being more independent and successful and not catering to another person's insecurities and whims.
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I've dated a few guys that had issues with me being a dancer. After everything I agree with what a lot of other girls are saying. In my experience even if you do leave the industry and he takes care of you most guys in that position will always have some issue with the fact that you danced. I dated one guy and after I left the industry for a while he still held it over my head. I've seen so many girls in the same situation esp when it comes to trust. There are guys out there that see the industry as a job or as a stepping stone and respect it for what it is. It takes a very strong and secure partner (male or female) to see that.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Yes, my 5 year relationship was on the rocks ( the main issue wasn't sex work but him not being willing to leave the small town we had roots in ). I greatly enjoyed my freedom to dance across the entire western US without him badgering me about it .

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie'sGirl View Post
    After everything I agree with what a lot of other girls are saying. In my experience even if you do leave the industry and he takes care of you most guys in that position will always have some issue with the fact that you danced.
    \

    ^This has been my experience also. The "problem" often doesn't resolve when you quit working in the sex industry because it stems from your partner's underlying insecurities. Additionally, some men don't understand the fact that stripping is a job and see it as a form of betrayal (which causes resentment).

    No, I haven't left a boyfriend for sex work-but I have left sex work for a boyfriend who gave me the "ultimatum" and this was more regrettable. Like others have said, your relationship is in it's early stages, but if he already has a problem with you stripping it's only going to grow. In my opinion, choosing financial security and independence over a guy you have been seeing for 6 months is the obvious choice. But, it's easy to say that from the outside looking in and from personal experience. However, if this person truly enriches your life, makes you happy and you don't want/need to continue dancing to support yourself, pay off debt or finance any long term goals then it may be a better choice for you to pursue the relationship. Either quit temporarily and see what happens, quit and be with him, or move on and continue working (trying to work and date someone opposed to it is miserable!).

    IMO (and I'm biased ), dating and dancing can be messy and it takes a very secure individual to be in a healthy, loving, supportive, long term relationship with a person in the sex industry (and in my experience, they are kind of like unicorns-which is why a lot of us end up writing posts just like this one *le sigh*).
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I briefly got into a relationship while I was dancing. He knew what I did. Then after we were "official" he starts asking questions about how long I Plan on dancing and if I can make sure I'm always off X day. That's when it ended.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I personally wouldn't unless you had another job lined up that pays enough for you to support yourself. Even if he's willing to pay your bills that's not a fun situation to be in, especially if he seems like he's controlling.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    If we're speaking in absolutes, will he supply you with the thousands in dollars a week difference between stripping and a vanilla job you can get with your level of experience and education? If not, strip like your well being depends on it-cuz it does. If you're willing to explore gray areas, what does he have a problem with? Grinding? Find a no contact club. Nudity? Find a bikini bar. Being labeled a dancer, even if you wear a fucking burqah, just the title? Try serving or bartending in a strip club. I have yet to see one requiring well..... Anything for servers and half are willing to train bartenders.
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    Close contact, for an hour, for $40? And I guess I'll have to make conversation with them too?

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Today my bf and I broke up over sex work, hugs to anyone in the same position. It's funny how they always believe our job is objectifying us when really it's them objectifying us- classifying our worth by how many men see us naked, blah blah etc

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Quote Originally Posted by tallulah420 View Post
    Today my bf and I broke up over sex work, hugs to anyone in the same position. It's funny how they always believe our job is objectifying us when really it's them objectifying us- classifying our worth by how many men see us naked, blah blah etc
    ^Just wanted to say-hugs x
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I just wanted ro say that I think there's s difference on what kind of sex work you're talking about and where it is. If I was a guy and my girl wanted to escort I couldn't be cool with it. That's s big pill to swallow because it has many legal implications, true safety concerns, and it is actual sex. I think I could cope with dancing depending on the club. I'm not sure about camming because of the risks it puts on future jobs due to the clips being permanent. That's just my take though so think hard about your decision and try to see it from all angles and most importantly make yourself happy and safe.
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    ^^ Truth. I honestly don't begrudge any man who doesn't want to date someone in the adult industry. I can see it from their POV, and it's honestly not something many "normal" men can handle. Mostly because most "normal" people just never really get to a place of wanting to confront why they think and feel a certain way about a certain heavy subject and learn how to deal with their own emotional crap surrounding it. And it IS a lot to deal with when considering the legal, safety, and possible future "scandal" implications of these types of jobs. It benefits us, but it may not be something that an outsider wants to deal with and that's fine. However, it is also perfectly understandable why we want to keep reaping the benefits and it's not fair for someone to ask us to give that up.

    And when it comes to just general insecurity and not wanting to dig around in your own beliefs and why you have them - is it cool? No. But is it how a large chunk of people live their day to day lives, and do they have that right? Absolutely.

    It just means they're not compatible with dating sex workers. The problems come when guys who knew damn well what a woman did in the first place try to get her to stop "for him" just because he wants to change someone else rather than work on himself. Or when women fall for guys who are not about self-reflection and working on their own socially ingrained beliefs, and get sad and refuse to let go of someone who is obviously not compatible with their lifestyle.

    One of the biggest things I try to remember is that thinking "If only I weren't a sex worker, we'd be perfect for each other!" doesn't really mean anything and probably isn't true. 1) "if only's" don't mean much to reality and there's no sense working yourself up about something that doesn't exist, and 2) even if you weren't a sex worker in this moment, would you really be that compatible? As someone who even considers, let alone does, sex work, you've obviously got a different way of looking at sex, the world, and how people relate to each other, and spend the time working on your societal conditioning about how to view sex workers (and probably others). The guy obviously doesn't work that way. How "compatible" is that? Probably not very, even if your specific job in the moment weren't standing in the way as the big tangible problem.

    One way isn't "good" or "bad." Right/wrong. It's just 2 incompatible ways of viewing others and working on your own personal hang-ups and opinions. It doesn't have to be tragic that you aren't compatible with someone in those ways - it's just time to move on. I think it's still the "societal conditioning of shame" around sex work that causes so much discomfort and sadness over the idea of breaking up "because of sex work." When really, it's breaking up because of not being in the same place in regards to views on the world and how to approach new ideas. There's nothing shameful about realizing that.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 08-29-2015 at 08:32 AM.
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    That was perfectly put!^
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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    ^^ Truth. I honestly don't begrudge any man who doesn't want to date someone in the adult industry. I can see it from their POV, and it's honestly not something many "normal" men can handle. Mostly because most "normal" people just never really get to a place of wanting to confront why they think and feel a certain way about a certain heavy subject and learn how to deal with their own emotional crap surrounding it. And it IS a lot to deal with when considering the legal, safety, and possible future "scandal" implications of these types of jobs. It benefits us, but it may not be something that an outsider wants to deal with and that's fine. However, it is also perfectly understandable why we want to keep reaping the benefits and it's not fair for someone to ask us to give that up.

    And when it comes to just general insecurity and not wanting to dig around in your own beliefs and why you have them - is it cool? No. But is it how a large chunk of people live their day to day lives, and do they have that right? Absolutely.

    It just means they're not compatible with dating sex workers. The problems come when guys who knew damn well what a woman did in the first place try to get her to stop "for him" just because he wants to change someone else rather than work on himself. Or when women fall for guys who are not about self-reflection and working on their own socially ingrained beliefs, and get sad and refuse to let go of someone who is obviously not compatible with their lifestyle.

    One of the biggest things I try to remember is that thinking "If only I weren't a sex worker, we'd be perfect for each other!" doesn't really mean anything and probably isn't true. 1) "if only's" don't mean much to reality and there's no sense working yourself up about something that doesn't exist, and 2) even if you weren't a sex worker in this moment, would you really be that compatible? As someone who even considers, let alone does, sex work, you've obviously got a different way of looking at sex, the world, and how people relate to each other, and spend the time working on your societal conditioning about how to view sex workers (and probably others). The guy obviously doesn't work that way. How "compatible" is that? Probably not very, even if your specific job in the moment weren't standing in the way as the big tangible problem.

    One way isn't "good" or "bad." Right/wrong. It's just 2 incompatible ways of viewing others and working on your own personal hang-ups and opinions. It doesn't have to be tragic that you aren't compatible with someone in those ways - it's just time to move on. I think it's still the "societal conditioning of shame" around sex work that causes so much discomfort and sadness over the idea of breaking up "because of sex work." When really, it's breaking up because of not being in the same place in regards to views on the world and how to approach new ideas. There's nothing shameful about realizing that.
    ::applause::

    I vote Aurora_Sunset & Sophia_Starina (wherever she's gotten off to) as the official Lady Yodas of SW. Posts like this ^^^^ are why. That was very eloquently put & really does get to the heart of WHY sex-industry workers & sex-industry outsiders are often so incompatible.

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    Default Re: Have you ever left a boyfriend to do sex work?

    I divorced my first husband to strip. Not like he was paying the bills...

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