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    Default Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

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    Last edited by somechick99; 07-19-2018 at 01:25 PM.

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Firstly, you are a good friend for taking her in, despite her being unpleasant to live with. If she lives at home, she probably isn't used to cleaning up after herself etc, but it's no excuse to be dirty and inconsiderate. It might pay to have a polite word with her about the fact that she is a guest in your home and you would appreciate it if she did xyz. There's no easy way to say it IMO, but she won't change unless you do. If I were in your position, I would probably (follow her around with febreze until she got the hint ) allow her to stay for a couple of weeks and encourage her to actively find a place/room of her own during this time. But, it really depends on how close you are and whether or not she improves her behavior.
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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    You really are a supportive friend - so few people would do that, knowing, as you did, the difficulty you'd encounter. If it was me, I'd be honest. You want your friend to succeed in life, not be dependent on others, so tell her, you'll guide her to get to a sustainable place either with a suitable roommate or on her own. Make it a positive thing. You are stronger and happier without her there, and the world needs strong nice people. She'll be stronger if she can stand on her own two feet. Everyone has hard times, and thank the stars for the people like you who step up, but she'll need to move on to be a complete person.

    Another thing I might do is have a dinner with your friend and her family, and be on her team as she stands up to them. If they're totally hopeless that wouldn't help though.

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    ^ What they said.

    Have you noticed that people who live on the filthy/dirty end of the spectrum just can't see that they are filthy/dirty in comparison to clutter/dirty; its because they are totally comfortable with that level of 'clean'; which is why it amuses me that when you point out that you would like them to clean up their 'dead cat', 'poo stained toilet', 'mouldy bathroom towel' they look so shocked "Dirty! Moi?!?".

    Put a time limit on it as your number one priority! The rest of the situation sucks in terms of cleanliness and mindfulness but honestly if its only going to be a brief period of time then it may not be worth anymore than a one-off conversation around standards and reciprocity.


    Good luck, I'm crossing my fingers for you that this doesn't go any further than being awkward and a little yucky.
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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    If you are able to swing your own place and support yourself, then she should be able to do so too. While everyone can understand helping out a friend while she's getting on her feet, IMHO you need to give her a firm end date so that she starts preparing to stand on her own. As much as you may want to help her, you need to protect your own mental health and well being too. You can't force a girl-child behave like a woman if she doesn't want to and I doubt that your problems with her will go away anytime soon. You were getting to a better place when you had control of your own surroundings and having her there is obviously making things much harder for you.

    And if she just can't find a way to stand on her own two feet, then maybe she will have to move back in with her parents again. As bad as you might feel about that and as much as she may end up resenting you, IMHO it is a better alternative than letting her drag you down into the funk with her.

    Good luck as you work through this.

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    So does SHE realize her parents are abusive and living with them is toxic?

    If she realizes living with her parents is a problem them maybe the only thing you can do is encourage her to DO something about it and not just accept the status quo and point her to some community resources like counseling or even a women's shelter if it gets that bad.

    I think it's commendable you wanted to help her out but I also think you took on more than you could handle.
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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    I'd give her another few hours.
    There are hostels / places to camp ect.
    Just let her know that you are expecting guests " tomorrow " and there isn't room for everyone or whatever else you'd like to say.
    Or .... just sit her down and tell her the truth. She can stay a couple more days if she's ULTRA CLEAN and keeps all her things in her suitcase and doesn't smoke at all inside. It's your house, so it's your rules.

    I feel like if you are staying with someone and not OVER compensating ( offering to treat them to lunch, being extremely clean , and being respectful of their schedule ) you are doing it WRONG.

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    I'd give her another few hours.
    There are hostels / places to camp ect.
    Just let her know that you are expecting guests " tomorrow " and there isn't room for everyone or whatever else you'd like to say.
    Or .... just sit here down and tell her the truth. She can stay a couple more days if she's ULTRA CLEAN and keeps all her things in her suitcase and doesn't smoke at all inside. It's your house, so it's your rules.

    Since I OFTEN let people stay with me ( I live in a very high of living area that is a huge winter tourism spot ) , I think boundaries are really important.

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Oh goodness she sounds like my old roommate; *I* was messy because I didn't do the dishes every single night, but you couldn't see her bedroom floor for all the dirty clothes and plates from food, and she'd let her cat box get so nasty that her cat ended up shitting in a bag of my formal gowns... but she just couldn't see it

    Anyway, I'd sit her down and tell her she's being really inconsiderate. Point out that you offered to let her stay there, it is your space, you expect things to be a certain way and could she please do simple things like not leave tampon applicators on the floor (WTF anyway? hello bathroom trashcan?). If you're trying to quit smoking, I see nothing wrong with asking her not to smoke in the house. You don't have the right to tell her to quit, but you DO have the right to ask her to quit doing it in YOUR apartment.
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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Write out a specific time limit for her to stay, a list of chores and general expectations. You've seen that she was raised by wolves but go on to list all of the things you assume she should know, should feel, should do. It's not realistic. You aren't facing the reality of how badly she's been raised. Also your motives weren't purely about helping her. You thought she'd be a better roommate and not just keep her space clean but clean yours too. Again, not realistic. It may have taken all the energy she could muster to do a good job for a limited time but she's learning from scratch what most of us are taught in childhood. It will take regular reminders.

    No one can tell you how long you "should" let her stay. Are you trying to help her out,looking throw her out but still save face? There's another layer to your question but we'd have to know what you're shooting for.
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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    Write out a specific time limit for her to stay, a list of chores and general expectations. You've seen that she was raised by wolves but go on to list all of the things you assume she should know, should feel, should do. It's not realistic. You aren't facing the reality of how badly she's been raised. Also your motives weren't purely about helping her. You thought she'd be a better roommate and not just keep her space clean but clean yours too. Again, not realistic. It may have taken all the energy she could muster to do a good job for a limited time but she's learning from scratch what most of us are taught in childhood. It will take regular reminders.

    No one can tell you how long you "should" let her stay. Are you trying to help her out,looking throw her out but still save face? There's another layer to your question but we'd have to know what you're shooting for.
    I'm a bit confused...when did I say I expected her to clean up after me as well? She surprised me one day by cleaning the whole apartment when she was petsitting (before the whole thing with her parents happened). I didn't ask or expect her to, nor do I think that's regularly how she is. I think she just got bored and had some extra energy so she cleaned it up. I figured it meant she *might* at least understand the basics of cleaning up a bit better than before....not that I'd have my own personal maid.

    I'm not looking to throw her out at this time but I agree a time limit is definitely a good idea. I figure 2-3 weeks.
    Last edited by somechick99; 09-26-2015 at 01:48 PM.

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    Write out a specific time limit for her to stay, a list of chores and general expectations. ....... It may have taken all the energy she could muster to do a good job for a limited time but she's learning from scratch what most of us are taught in childhood. It will take regular reminders........
    This, so this. Nearly every male flatmate I've had, including my husband who swings from ultra attentive to cleanliness to meh, its not on my radar. GGGRRRRRR!
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    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Quote Originally Posted by somechick99 View Post
    I'll start by saying that I've had my own place since about February, I pay $1200 monthly for a nice and private apartment that I really enjoy having to myself. I had a roommate in the past when I lived elsewhere, and we're still really close friends, but she was a horrible roommate who never paid the bills on time and was a major slob. (To be fair I can be messy as well, but in more of a clutter-y way than a disgusting way, if that makes sense). After I decided to live on my own, she tried rooming with one more person who ended up concluding the same thing I did, and eventually had to move back with her parents.

    Fast forward about 6 months after getting my own place. We're hanging out at her house one day (I've only been a few times) and it becomes apparent very quickly that her parents are INSANE. They are abusive verbally and I won't go into detail, but they have done some very horrible things to her (not physically as much as mentally, but still). The situation was so horrible that I offered to let her temporarily stay with me...which says a lot about how bad her parents are, because she's not fun to live with. I knew going into this she makes a bad living partner but felt it was the right thing to do rather than let her stay with two psycho parents.

    Anyways, it's been about 2 days so far and I'm not sure how long I should let her stay here. Right before this all happened, she housesat/petwatched for me when I was out of town and did an AMAZING job - cleaned my entire apartment, and even rearranged my furniture into a way better layout. She went above and beyond and I threw her $$ for this, and this is partially why I offered her a spot on my couch so quickly when she was struggling. However 2 days after saying she can stay with me throughout this chaos and she is acting just like she did when she was my actual roommate.

    Im not expecting any $$ from her since she's staying based on an offer and its barely been 2-3 days (maybe down the road if she's still around) but she has the nerve to leave dirty underwear and even a tampon applicator sitting in the middle of the damn floor. I'm messy myself somewhat and I think she figures that since I'm a bit of a slob, it doesn't matter if she's flat out disgusting...even though it's not her apartment and those are majorly more gross than anything I'm doing. I'm sure you can imagine all the clothes, trash etc she leaves scattered about as well. If I bitch at her and make her clean she will, but since I'm kind enough to let her stay in my $1200+ apartment for free I shouldn't have to baby her into not being filthy.

    Another thing is she doesn't seem to grasp the concept of mindfulness or appreciation. For example, I've always been more than generous with my weed with her (silly topic to care about but it's the concept I'm focusing on...also not sure what the forum rules are about drug posts but it's 100% legal in my state, for the record). Since meeting her I've probably smoked her out about four times the amount of weed she's shared with me. That alone isnt something I care about, especially because I have more $$ than her - but the other day she came home from work with a bunch of weed she got for free. After a couple bowls she asked me if I'd pack one since it was my turn....even though she's staying at my place for FREE. (Oh, and both nights she went to work she took ALL of the lighters in my apartment with her, leaving me with nothing to use at all)

    I'm actually trying to quit smoking weed altogether, which is something I shared with her before all this happened. I'm trying to quit because I find it harder to keep my place tidy, it keeps me in a cycle of depression, and makes it harder to stay motivated to get things done....and no plant is worth my well-being. However having her around makes this all way more difficult because she's the wake and bake type who is very inconsiderate about me trying to quit (she even talked about how good it tasted right in front of me, but immediately apologized). I have no right to tell her not to smoke, but the last thing I need is someone napping and blazing in my apartment before work all day since that's exactly the lifestyle I'm trying to snap out of. (I know that sounds pathetic, it's been a very tough year for me and I was using weed to numb the pain)

    Anyways sorry for the long read. I just don't know what to do because despite what I write here she's a loyal and close friend of mine, but having her stay with me is the exact opposite of what I need mentally or emotionally. However I'd rather wreak havoc in my own apartment then know she's being mistreated at home the way she was.

    How long should I give her and how can I put my foot down without being too bitchy? If she doesn't change, how messed up of me is it to kick her out? The cleaning thing I can handle talking about since I can be a bitch when I clearly deserve better, but in terms of her lack of generosity, mindfulness etc I don't know how to bring it up. Also the cleaning thing is something she only listens to temporarily - she may clean her mess when I ask, but a new one pops up an hour later.

    What do I do? I told her upfront this is not a long-term arrangement and that I don't want a roommate
    Coming from a mentally disturbing past involving verbal abuse it can tear away at your psyche slowly as you live on your own. I sat and typed an entire letter to my mother, one that she sadly won't get to see. I understand the pain and stress of needing to remove oneself from an unhealthy situation.. Your body being use to that high, it may feel strange without the excitement..food never tasted better..but my house looks like crap! (miss the past) best part is finding stuff easier. As for the tampon in the middle of the floor...the world is her toilet! WTF?
    Last edited by BambiCutie; 09-28-2015 at 01:25 AM.

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    People take the liberty you let them. She doesn't sound like a bad person, just an annoying roommate. Try talking to her about it and explaining that the flat isn't just "a place to crash", that it's your home and HER home for now and that it needs a bit of love and respect.
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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Well you know you weren't moving in with Mary Poppins right?

    Unfortunately you asked her to more in knowing what she is like to live with (my boyfriend and I have disagreements about me being messy, but dirty underwear and a tampon applicator on the floor is a whole level of gross I couldn't handle either) and you can't expect someone to change their living habits overnight-- being like this is probably ingrained in her and like others said, probably something she isn't even aware of. You can remind her as much as possible and hope she gets the hint, but unfortunately you knew what you were bringing into your home and part of what mades you a great friend is you were willing to take her in even with her flaws.

    That said I'm not arguing to let her trash your place-- I would sit down and nicely push for a timeline, offer to do whatever you can do help her find a place (help her look online, ask friends who might want a flatmate, go to viewings with her, be a reference) but don't let this turn into some never ending stay where you are ripping your hair out at the gross crap your are stepping over everyday. If she has nowhere else to go + isn't paying rent + you seem fine with her there she will likely laze about and not put much effort into finding her own place. And besides your annoyance of her lack of cleanliness, I think this is something that could really destroy your friendship (I've had tons of friends that I loved to bits but couldn't live with and we just had to find our own places to keep our friendship going or it was going to deteriorate).

    In regards to her sharing her weed with you, there are some people who will take from you when they're down and not give to you when they're up. That's just a personality trait and personally not the kind of friend I would want, but you have to decide for yourself. Good luck!

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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Quote Originally Posted by somechick99 View Post
    Anyways, it's been about 2 days so far and I'm not sure how long I should let her stay here. Right before this all happened, she housesat/petwatched for me when I was out of town and did an AMAZING job - cleaned my entire apartment, and even rearranged my furniture into a way better layout. She went above and beyond and I threw her $$ for this, and this is partially why I offered her a spot on my couch so quickly when she was struggling. However 2 days after saying she can stay with me throughout this chaos and she is acting just like she did when she was my actual roommate.
    I'm going by your words...what else?

    BTW it's probably a good thing to stop giving her so much weed. The less time she spends high, the more time she can spend picking up after herself.
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    Default Re: Unexpected roommate/extreme stress

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    I'm going by your words...what else?

    BTW it's probably a good thing to stop giving her so much weed. The less time she spends high, the more time she can spend picking up after herself.
    That was me explaining I thought she had matured since we were roommates and knew how to clean up after herself now

    She's finally out a bit later than the date we agreed she'd stay til. Thanks everyone for the input

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