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Last edited by somechick99; 07-19-2018 at 01:25 PM.





Firstly, you are a good friend for taking her in, despite her being unpleasant to live with. If she lives at home, she probably isn't used to cleaning up after herself etc, but it's no excuse to be dirty and inconsiderate. It might pay to have a polite word with her about the fact that she is a guest in your home and you would appreciate it if she did xyz. There's no easy way to say it IMO, but she won't change unless you do. If I were in your position, I would probably (follow her around with febreze until she got the hint) allow her to stay for a couple of weeks and encourage her to actively find a place/room of her own during this time. But, it really depends on how close you are and whether or not she improves her behavior.
“Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” -Marilyn Monroe
"True sexiness has many facets-confidence, strength, intelligence, and humor. It isn’t just about trying to look sexy; it’s an art and one becomes skillful in it when she realizes that there are all these conflicting elements that all come together to make something magical"-Dita Von Teese





You really are a supportive friend - so few people would do that, knowing, as you did, the difficulty you'd encounter. If it was me, I'd be honest. You want your friend to succeed in life, not be dependent on others, so tell her, you'll guide her to get to a sustainable place either with a suitable roommate or on her own. Make it a positive thing. You are stronger and happier without her there, and the world needs strong nice people. She'll be stronger if she can stand on her own two feet. Everyone has hard times, and thank the stars for the people like you who step up, but she'll need to move on to be a complete person.
Another thing I might do is have a dinner with your friend and her family, and be on her team as she stands up to them. If they're totally hopeless that wouldn't help though.





^ What they said.
Have you noticed that people who live on the filthy/dirty end of the spectrum just can't see that they are filthy/dirty in comparison to clutter/dirty; its because they are totally comfortable with that level of 'clean'; which is why it amuses me that when you point out that you would like them to clean up their 'dead cat', 'poo stained toilet', 'mouldy bathroom towel' they look so shocked "Dirty! Moi?!?".
Put a time limit on it as your number one priority! The rest of the situation sucks in terms of cleanliness and mindfulness but honestly if its only going to be a brief period of time then it may not be worth anymore than a one-off conversation around standards and reciprocity.
Good luck, I'm crossing my fingers for you that this doesn't go any further than being awkward and a little yucky.





If you are able to swing your own place and support yourself, then she should be able to do so too. While everyone can understand helping out a friend while she's getting on her feet, IMHO you need to give her a firm end date so that she starts preparing to stand on her own. As much as you may want to help her, you need to protect your own mental health and well being too. You can't force a girl-child behave like a woman if she doesn't want to and I doubt that your problems with her will go away anytime soon. You were getting to a better place when you had control of your own surroundings and having her there is obviously making things much harder for you.
And if she just can't find a way to stand on her own two feet, then maybe she will have to move back in with her parents again. As bad as you might feel about that and as much as she may end up resenting you, IMHO it is a better alternative than letting her drag you down into the funk with her.
Good luck as you work through this.
So does SHE realize her parents are abusive and living with them is toxic?
If she realizes living with her parents is a problem them maybe the only thing you can do is encourage her to DO something about it and not just accept the status quo and point her to some community resources like counseling or even a women's shelter if it gets that bad.
I think it's commendable you wanted to help her out but I also think you took on more than you could handle.
“Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”





I'd give her another few hours.![]()
There are hostels / places to camp ect.
Just let her know that you are expecting guests " tomorrow " and there isn't room for everyone or whatever else you'd like to say.
Or .... just sit her down and tell her the truth. She can stay a couple more days if she's ULTRA CLEAN and keeps all her things in her suitcase and doesn't smoke at all inside. It's your house, so it's your rules.
I feel like if you are staying with someone and not OVER compensating ( offering to treat them to lunch, being extremely clean , and being respectful of their schedule ) you are doing it WRONG.





I'd give her another few hours.![]()
There are hostels / places to camp ect.
Just let her know that you are expecting guests " tomorrow " and there isn't room for everyone or whatever else you'd like to say.
Or .... just sit here down and tell her the truth. She can stay a couple more days if she's ULTRA CLEAN and keeps all her things in her suitcase and doesn't smoke at all inside. It's your house, so it's your rules.
Since I OFTEN let people stay with me ( I live in a very high of living area that is a huge winter tourism spot ) , I think boundaries are really important.





Oh goodness she sounds like my old roommate; *I* was messy because I didn't do the dishes every single night, but you couldn't see her bedroom floor for all the dirty clothes and plates from food, and she'd let her cat box get so nasty that her cat ended up shitting in a bag of my formal gowns... but she just couldn't see it
Anyway, I'd sit her down and tell her she's being really inconsiderate. Point out that you offered to let her stay there, it is your space, you expect things to be a certain way and could she please do simple things like not leave tampon applicators on the floor (WTF anyway? hello bathroom trashcan?). If you're trying to quit smoking, I see nothing wrong with asking her not to smoke in the house. You don't have the right to tell her to quit, but you DO have the right to ask her to quit doing it in YOUR apartment.
"People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."
"You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."





Write out a specific time limit for her to stay, a list of chores and general expectations. You've seen that she was raised by wolves but go on to list all of the things you assume she should know, should feel, should do. It's not realistic. You aren't facing the reality of how badly she's been raised. Also your motives weren't purely about helping her. You thought she'd be a better roommate and not just keep her space clean but clean yours too. Again, not realistic. It may have taken all the energy she could muster to do a good job for a limited time but she's learning from scratch what most of us are taught in childhood. It will take regular reminders.
No one can tell you how long you "should" let her stay. Are you trying to help her out,looking throw her out but still save face? There's another layer to your question but we'd have to know what you're shooting for.
“What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE



I'm a bit confused...when did I say I expected her to clean up after me as well? She surprised me one day by cleaning the whole apartment when she was petsitting (before the whole thing with her parents happened). I didn't ask or expect her to, nor do I think that's regularly how she is. I think she just got bored and had some extra energy so she cleaned it up. I figured it meant she *might* at least understand the basics of cleaning up a bit better than before....not that I'd have my own personal maid.
I'm not looking to throw her out at this time but I agree a time limit is definitely a good idea. I figure 2-3 weeks.
Last edited by somechick99; 09-26-2015 at 01:48 PM.
Coming from a mentally disturbing past involving verbal abuse it can tear away at your psyche slowly as you live on your own. I sat and typed an entire letter to my mother, one that she sadly won't get to see. I understand the pain and stress of needing to remove oneself from an unhealthy situation.. Your body being use to that high, it may feel strange without the excitement..food never tasted better..but my house looks like crap! (miss the past) best part is finding stuff easier. As for the tampon in the middle of the floor...the world is her toilet! WTF?
Last edited by BambiCutie; 09-28-2015 at 01:25 AM.
People take the liberty you let them. She doesn't sound like a bad person, just an annoying roommate. Try talking to her about it and explaining that the flat isn't just "a place to crash", that it's your home and HER home for now and that it needs a bit of love and respect.
I don't mind talking so much as being spoken to. And I don't mind being spoken to all that much, when the one speaking has a brain.





Well you know you weren't moving in with Mary Poppins right?
Unfortunately you asked her to more in knowing what she is like to live with (my boyfriend and I have disagreements about me being messy, but dirty underwear and a tampon applicator on the floor is a whole level of gross I couldn't handle either) and you can't expect someone to change their living habits overnight-- being like this is probably ingrained in her and like others said, probably something she isn't even aware of. You can remind her as much as possible and hope she gets the hint, but unfortunately you knew what you were bringing into your home and part of what mades you a great friend is you were willing to take her in even with her flaws.
That said I'm not arguing to let her trash your place-- I would sit down and nicely push for a timeline, offer to do whatever you can do help her find a place (help her look online, ask friends who might want a flatmate, go to viewings with her, be a reference) but don't let this turn into some never ending stay where you are ripping your hair out at the gross crap your are stepping over everyday. If she has nowhere else to go + isn't paying rent + you seem fine with her there she will likely laze about and not put much effort into finding her own place. And besides your annoyance of her lack of cleanliness, I think this is something that could really destroy your friendship (I've had tons of friends that I loved to bits but couldn't live with and we just had to find our own places to keep our friendship going or it was going to deteriorate).
In regards to her sharing her weed with you, there are some people who will take from you when they're down and not give to you when they're up. That's just a personality trait and personally not the kind of friend I would want, but you have to decide for yourself. Good luck!





“What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE



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