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Thread: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

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    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
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    Duh When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Hey ladies.
    I need some serious advice right now. As y'all know my husband and I have had our ups and downs, especially since we moved in with his parents and then I moved out here (two hours away from his hometown.)
    He was living here with me for the last 4 or 5 months and I told him I was happy to support him until he got a job or figured out his next move....but since he moved here he hasn't done anything. At first it was great because he kept the house spotless, did most of the cooking and basically just made my life easier since I'm pretty much either working, in class or doing schoolwork.

    For the last month I'd say he started dropping the ball....pretty much stopped talking to me...very little sex or affection...started spending money on dumb shit we don't need. I would come home to a dirty house and dirty, grumpy kid. So I was getting pretty stressed out.

    Yesterday I confronted him about in a calm, mature way. He threw one of his temper tantrums saying he "can't get a job around my schedule" and that he doesn't really want to back to school, but he's doing it for me...and basically has no interest in getting a real career or a good job.

    I went to my class last night and got there early so we kept fighting via text. I told him I'm not sure if I want the marriage anymore since I don't want to be married to a freeloader, or a guy who will only work part time when he feels like it. I don't want it to all be up to me if we ever get a house or achieve financial stability. Yes we're okay with me dancing but let's face it, the clock is ticking. Why am I busting my ass working and going to school full time while he does nothing?

    He said "I don't know if I want the marriage either" like are you fucking kidding me? I've been nothing but a good wife to him. I said "Fine if you don't want to be with me then get out." I come home and he was gone. Took all his shit, and the kid and went back to his mom's. Of course. He always runs back to mommy.

    Now he won't talk to me at all, other than to tell me how the baby is. I asked him "Are you going to stay there now or are you coming back at some point? Do you really want to get divorced, should I start the paperwork? Should I start looking for a babysitter for our son and set up visiting arrangements? What is going on?" No reply in 24 hours. He always does this when he's mad...Either blows up at me or completely ignores me.

    Honestly I just feel done. I feel like I could do a lot better. Should I try to make it work since we have a baby together or cut my losses and get out while I'm still young? I do not miss him at all. I don't even think I love him anymore. I just miss my kid.

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    Moderator Genoveve's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    To be honest I have always looked at your hubby as 'dead weight' from your posts. I can't say to divorce him because I don't think it's appropriate but I know that for me; I would never be able to get wet for a guy that was acting like that and if I can't get wet for them it's done(sorry to be so crude lol). Aren't you a Capricorn like me? A man with no ambition is like, the ultimate Capricorn turn off.

    ETA plus I don't think trying to make it work for the sake of your son actually benefits your son that much in the long run; kids learn about relationships from their parents and they pick up on EVERYTHING and then often end up perpetuating it as adults.

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    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    ^Yes I am a Capricorn and yep, it's a huge turn off. You're probably right about the kid...Plus he's so young if we break up now he'll never remember us together anyway.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    'Yes we're ok with me dancing but let's face it, the clock is ticking'

    This is one of the things in your post that really jumped out at me. The clock is ticking, in more ways than one, & that's always the case when you're a dancer. I am thinking mostly from the physical/physiological sense, not just 'getting old + hotness fading' Ask yourself, 'What would Hubby do if I got seriously hurt at work & could no longer pay the bills?' The shoes alone are a major occupational hazard in every sense of that expression; not to mention if you're a pole athlete, LD gymnast, or God forbid find yourself in the path of a raging fellow dancer. All the risks of acute injuries, plus the dmg dancing does to our bodies over the long-term … sooner or later your body (& mind too) will just up and hand you a cactus & say 'Have fun w/ this' … just one more thing non-dancers generally don't 'get'.

    Like Genoveve, I am not going to take sides on the 'divorce or not' question. I am generally a 'three sides to every story' kinda girl. But I also agree w/ Genoveve that, while you have boasted sm very fine positives abt this guy … when push comes to shove, he sounds more like a petulant child than true husband material.

    That said, if this ball-dropping in particular started very suddenly, could there be a genuine reason behind it? Depression or the like? I know you said you raised the subj w/ him & that he didn't take it well at all. Just wondering if there could be sm internal or even external factor besides simple immaturity at play here.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    If it were me, I would probably try relationship counseling first. If nothing else, it might help a divorce and future custody issues be more amicable. But I can definitely understand why you're feeling pretty over it. That description is very unattractive.

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    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    ^that's very true and I've pointed that out to him, as well as WINTER IS COMING! I thought about what "it would take" for me to stay and it all involves him changing..getting a real job, learning to communicate like a grown up, stop running to his mom's every time we have a fight, but I learned long ago that you can't change people. They have to want to change themselves.

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Whoa whoa whoa that escalated :/

    My 2 cents... I think he's not replying because he doesn't actually want a divorce. What else was he supposed to say when you mentioned it? Men don't cave in and go "Nooo I love you!" generally; he probably just wanted to fire back at you and be an asshole. Do you have any other issues with your marriage or is it just this sort of thing?

    Could you maybe tell him in a rational fashion that you love him but he is being a freeloader, making excuses, and not holding up his end of the bargain, and that he needs to go stay somewhere else until he gets his head on straight? Though he may realize he doesn't have any money to do so... hell, maybe that'll tell him something

    I went through this with my fiancé when he was let go from a job last year. At first it was great, his dad was paying me his half of the bills (no extra work for me) and he was cleaning and cooking for both us and our roommate, but after a few weeks I started finding him on the couch smoking weed in a dirty apartment every night. I eventually had to stoop to hurting his self-esteem to get a fire under his ass; stopped sleeping with him, then told him he wasn't getting laid because I found it hella unattractive that his dad was giving me his part of bills and he was essentially a freeloading bum. He had a full-time job the next week.
    That said, mine's issue I think was a lack of self-esteem from being the freeloader, which was perpetuating itself. Do you think your husband is maybe having the same problem? Feeling like shit bc he's not providing financially and just sinking deeper into the shitty feeling hole?
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    if this was a sudden, more out-of-the-ordinary thing i would say definitely try and work it out with some counseling for the sake of your marriage, but if this is a recurring problem (which it sounds like from your previous posts) and its gotten down to the bare truth that he just doesn't ever intend to be a mature self sufficient adult and fellow provider, then i would ..idk, can't say get divorced but really think about whether you can stay married to somebody your'e going to have to take care of along with the baby you already have.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    @Selina he's already at his mom's 2 hours away from me...and I'm glad tbh. We at least need a few days to a few weeks away from each other. Yes our situations are almost identical lol (minus the weed + a baby.) He does have very low self esteem, always has. He's told me before that he never tried to get a better job (when he was still employed) because he didn't think anyone else would hire him. Yeah I get that he's afraid of failure, blah blah blah but dude you have a family now. Strap on a pair. It's not like I've ever gotten a break from bills or responsibilities.

    @simone He used to work long hours but didn't make enough to support us. It's kind of out of character for him to not want to work at all. He's never been super ambitious but he's always been a hard worker. Maybe he's depressed, I don't know. He still refuses to talk to me so who knows what's going on. All I know is, he needs to step up or get out of the way.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Following to show support; no advice though! One of those too close to home situations.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Dang! Sorry to hear you're thinking about divorce.

    My first thought is are you not okay with him working as a house husband? Like providing for the kid and managing the house? Sounds like that's been his role lately but he hasn't been as good as fulfilling it as you'd like. Maybe if he could commit to that it make your life easier and the whole house would run smoothly.

    Or do you absolutely need two incomes? if you need two incomes then yes you would need to suggest him getting some type of work even if he has to start off part time.

    If you divorce, which I hope you don't cause this could be worked on, then he would be required to pay child support. Even if he is unemployed he would still have to pay based on imputed income.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    first, do not do this stuff over text

    Ever

    Yes the guy sounds like a bum, but many people go through phases of motivation. Think through what you want to say to him so you can approach things calmly.

    To some extent or another you are stuck with him forever because of your child, so it will always be in your interest to keep things civil

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    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Dang! Sorry to hear you're thinking about divorce.

    My first thought is are you not okay with him working as a house husband? Like providing for the kid and managing the house? Sounds like that's been his role lately but he hasn't been as good as fulfilling it as you'd like. Maybe if he could commit to that it make your life easier and the whole house would run smoothly.

    Or do you absolutely need two incomes? if you need two incomes then yes you would need to suggest him getting some type of work even if he has to start off part time.

    If you divorce, which I hope you don't cause this could be worked on, then he would be required to pay child support. Even if he is unemployed he would still have to pay based on imputed income.
    I never offered to support him indefinitely. There's no reason for him to be a full time stay at home dad when I only work 3 days a week and my school has very affordable child care during my classes. I just want him to either work, go to school, pick up the online business, or do something to move forward in his life. That was the whole point of us moving here and him quitting his job. The cost of living here is low so we can afford to pursue whatever avenues we want.

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    ...He was living here with me for the last 4 or 5 months and I told him I was happy to support him until he got a job or figured out his next move....but since he moved here he hasn't done anything...

    ...Yesterday I confronted him about in a calm, mature way. He threw one of his temper tantrums saying he "can't get a job around my schedule" and that he doesn't really want to back to school, but he's doing it for me...and basically has no interest in getting a real career or a good job...
    Then IMHO you should fire his ass. I'm the last person to ever recommend divorce in almost any situation, but this is one of those few exceptions. A guy who has so little drive or ambition that he can't earn a nickel of income in over 4 months and has no plan for improving himself is a shitty long term partner. You can't dance forever and you also may want to have another child in the future. If you want a solid chance of a good life for yourself and your child, then that spot next to you in your bed needs to be reserved for a man who can help you build a life for yourself and your children.

    Frankly I don't give a shit what his emotional issues may be. He's way too old to be pulling this shit and it has been going on way too long. His inability to earn income hasn't been limited to the last 4 or 5 months. Things got so bad for you in Chicago, when your baby was a newborn, that you had to seek SNAP, take charity from your in-laws and eventually move in with them. I realize that he was working before, but he should have worked even more, done double shifts, a second job, piled in weekend hours, etc. - whatever it took, especially since he had a newborn to provide for. IMHO this is simply unacceptable.

    Anyway, sorry that you are dealing with this good luck as you work through it.

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    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    ^I'm not going to lie. I do sometimes fantasize about being with a guy who can financially support me, and I told him this. Probably one of the reasons he's not talking to me. lol. OH WELL!

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    @Selina he's already at his mom's 2 hours away from me...and I'm glad tbh. We at least need a few days to a few weeks away from each other. Yes our situations are almost identical lol (minus the weed + a baby.) He does have very low self esteem, always has. He's told me before that he never tried to get a better job (when he was still employed) because he didn't think anyone else would hire him. Yeah I get that he's afraid of failure, blah blah blah but dude you have a family now. Strap on a pair. It's not like I've ever gotten a break from bills or responsibilities.

    @simone He used to work long hours but didn't make enough to support us
    Hahaha, I think we are clones! I said a very similar thing about men who could support me the other day... "Well if you wanna leave I'll replace you with a sugar daddy." Doesn't go over well with them, eh? Mine also does the same stuff with not wanting to move up. I wanted to move to a nicer neighborhood and he could just transfer restaurants or find a new one, because he would make SO much more money in this neighborhood... and I got "But I LIKE my coworkers and my restaurant here, no, I'd keep driving out to there." Baffles me; when my club sucks, I switch clubs, no matter how much I like the staff/other girls.

    What Simone said is probably part of it, it's disheartening as fuck to work long hours and then not make enough to pay your bills. Again, seen that shit firsthand, when it gets slow and he makes $40/night and gets behind on bills, he won't pick up extra shifts bc it's depressing to bust your ass and still feel like a financial failure. It's basically burnout.

    Anyway, he needs to get over the fear of failure. If you still love him and see the qualities you married him for, I would suggest going to a marriage counselor and seeing if he can't get over some of this. He doesn't sound like he's responding to the face-smack-to-reality method of telling him he's being lazy, so counseling might be the only other good option. If you don't give a shit about him or the marriage anymore, divorce him, because you don't need the dead weight.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

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    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    ^Omg Selina that's exactly what my husband used to say too, when I would try to talk him into getting a better job. "But I like my boss. I like my coworkers." WTF who cares! I go back and forth between "fuck this shit I'm out" and "he's a good dad and overall a decent guy..maybe we can work on it.." but the fact that it's been 2 days and he still won't talk to me is really making me lean toward starting separation paperwork. That's another one of my biggest peeves with him. He can never sit and work shit out like an adult. He throws tantrums, walks out on me and gives me the cold shoulder like a moody teenager. It used to really upset me but now it just makes me realize how immature he is.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    ^I'm not going to lie. I do sometimes fantasize about being with a guy who can financially support me, and I told him this. Probably one of the reasons he's not talking to me. lol. OH WELL!
    LOL. Well, it sounds like it's time that someone called him out.

    But even far short of that, someone who could bring in a steady check would be nice, no? There is no excuse for a healthy grown man not to be able to bring in paychecks and more than a lousy $15k per year. Most anyone with a single full time job working just 40 hours per week makes more than that. Could he take a class to learn how to drive a tractor trailer? Work his way up in a security guard outfit? Work his way up to a shift or department manager in a supermarket? Something? Anything? Is he really just that incapable of doing anything or is he just too lazy?

    Anyway, I'll leave off here, but good luck and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Yeah not talking about it is a deal breaker IMHO.
    My guy will do the storm off to a friends house thing, but comes back in a couple hours when he's calmed down and we talk about it. Taking off for 2 days and refusing to talk about it is NOT ok and he needs to grow up.

    I'm leaning toward the separation papers since the more you post, the more he seems to have too many issues to work around.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Like Flick, I don't have much to say about this right now..I support you wholeheartedly, & wish you the best.
    Big Hugs.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    A good amount of this comes down to the quality of your relationship. Logistics aside, what's the quality of your relationship? Logistics can definitely affect the quality of your relationship, but logistics do change (all relationships go through ups and downs based on external circumstances). Does it look like his logistics will change? And if they did change, would you feel differently about him (less likely to want a divorce)? Or would you still be leaning towards separation?

    If I put my partner's worst qualities on a piece of paper, he certainly wouldn't look ideal. I'd look similarly flawed if you were to catalog all of my worst qualities. That said, you sound like you're being very clear-headed and holistic about all of this, and it does seem to be a persistent issue in your relationship.

    So there's my ambiguous two cents.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    Everyone has their good and bad qualities, but IMO, certain ones are much worse than others. Abusive is one. Very dishonest is another. A third is someone who refuses to help out while his wife works very hard to support him. If your husband doesn't want to do anything to help you out, you obviously don't mean that much to him. As you said, the clock is ticking. Having a husband who contributes can make a big difference. The fact that he knows you're working very hard, and it doesn't bother him that he's not helping out, shows he is immature and doesn't care. It's hard enough taking care of your biological child or children. You don't need an adult child on top of that.

    If you miss your child, tell your husband you want to see him. If he doesn't cooperate, contact a lawyer. He doesn't have the right to prevent you from seeing your child.
    Last edited by eagle2; 10-03-2015 at 12:10 AM.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    How about trying separation for a while? He might be going through a crisis right now and needs time to sort things out. Losing a job can be very traumatic and emasculating for a man. He might be confronting the realization that he has very very little qualifications and his career prospects look bleak. He loses hope, feels frustrated, depressed, inadequate, angry, and, he takes it all out on you. Maybe separation will give him the kick in the ass to make him reflect, sort out his issues, come out of his crisis - and leave open a possibility of reconciliation. If you see no progress on his side after 6-8 months of separation, then, I would join in the votes to divorce him.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    thanks everyone! so much great advice. I wouldn't mind trying to work things out, but we're now on day 3 with no word from him. Charlie you're very right and logistics aside, I still don't know. Not contributing financially is an easy problem to fix, but the fact that he left while I was at school (over a text message fight) has completely ignored me and won't talk to me for 3 days is really the last straw. Grown ass men don't abandon their wives every time they have an argument. They don't completely shut their wife out for days at a time. This isn't high school and it's not a game. Yeah he's a great guy unless he's stressed, or criticized, or his feelings get hurt. He's not fighting for our relationship and never has. It's always been me that came to him to work things out, that got us marriage counseling and tried to keep this thing together. It's completely one sided in every way.
    But in Illinois we have to be separated for at least 6 months before we can divorce, so it looks like I'll be taking jack's advice whether I like it or not.

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    Default Re: When is it time to move on? Should I divorce?

    From the sounds of it he's got a lot of red flags (nobody's perfect) that you have to decide that can be put up with or if they can be changed. Is it about his character or his actions? Actions can be modified, character IME tends to be constant. From the sounds of it, he's got a lot of character issues IE lazy/hopeless, passive-aggressive, immature and to be fair I'm sure he's got positive ones too, he sounds supportive, accepting, and thoughtful?(maybe until he stopped helping with the cleaning.) I think it boils down to which ones are more important to you, and maybe taking some time apart will help both of you find your answer.

    Anyways, my 0.02 and good luck.

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