I ended up breaking up with my bf to continue stripping. We had a lot of disagreements about my line of work. While we were broken up, I realized how burnt out I actually am from the industry and how much I missed him. I was ready to make a life change, so within 2 weeks we were together again.
I started cleaning houses, and I actually have a phone interview for a good $18/hour cleaning job with rather regular hours. I don't even miss the money *that* much. I found stripping much more emotionally and physically draining than a vanilla job. I couldn't work more than 2-3 days a week.
Fast forwards to TWO DAYS ago, when I log into Facebook and his account is up, with a chat window open. I read it...He's going on a trip to Vancouver this week, and he's talking to his friend about a girl he is going to meet up with there. Saying oh, I think you know her, she started paying attention to me after you MCM'd me on instagram. His friend "jokes" about how he's responsible for her asking to hang out with my bf, and my bf replies with, "You're writing cheques for my dick to cash." You should know HE'S NEVER MET THIS GIRL BEFORE. It's a girl from Instagram who leaves flirty emojis on his selfies, and that's all.
My best friend also took a screenshot of his Tinder account, which was active like 6 or 7 days ago when we were still together. He swears up and down he has NO idea why it would say he's active. He can't explain it. He showed me his account and he hadn't had any conversations with girls, but I don't know if he deleted any first before showing me.
With both of these things combined, I freaked out and broke up with him. I stormed out. He assured me that it was just him talking big and bragging to his friends, and joking like idiot guys do (his words, not mine) but he had no intention to meet up with her at all. It was under the pretense of if he had time, he would see her.
I was 100% certain in my moment of anger and grief that he was going to go cheat on me. I stupidly wrote a status saying "me: 0 scummy cheating (ex-)boyfriend: 1" and publicly humiliated himI am beating myself up so much for it now. I deleted it the next day.
We talked on the phone and he explained to me that he would NEVER cheat on me. He told me his dad cheated on his mom and broke up the family, and he never forgave his dad for that. He doesn't talk to his dad at all. He says his biggest priority in life is not being like his dad, and that's why he couldn't cheat.
He said he didn't fight for me when I broke up with him bc he was giving me time to cool off before reapproaching it. But then I made that status and now everyone, family and friends, thinks he's a total jerkbag loser. He said I pushed it past the point of no return.
I want to be with him again desperately and it's so sad, I wish I didn't fuck it up. I wasn't an angel in the relationship either, and it's not like I hadn't thought about being with other people, too. I feel devastated, sad, alone, scared, suicidal. I slept for 30 hours and I have no desire to eat.
I know these feelings are pretty normal, but I fucked up so much. If I still wanted to strip I could justify the breakup...but I'm just so burnt out. If I started stripping again I would save my money to travel the world, but even the thought of that makes me feel empty. I have no desires for anything. I feel so pathetic, why am I so unhealthily invested in this relationship?
Thanks for listening, I needed somewhere to vent, I'm beating myself up constantly. We weren't compatible or necessarily good for each other, our sex life was boring and he wasn't a great emotional support. Not because he was callous, but because he had too much of his own shit going on in his head. We had very opposite political ideologies, and I was always too "PC" for him. He helped me relax a bit more though, and make a new life for myself that didn't include sex work, which may have been something I'm in need of. I feel completely directionless and lost.



I am beating myself up so much for it now. I deleted it the next day.
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I know the pain of terrible relationships that you know you shouldn't give a shit about but unfortunately do. Hold strong.



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