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Thread: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Bambibabe's Avatar
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    Skull HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    I ended up breaking up with my bf to continue stripping. We had a lot of disagreements about my line of work. While we were broken up, I realized how burnt out I actually am from the industry and how much I missed him. I was ready to make a life change, so within 2 weeks we were together again.

    I started cleaning houses, and I actually have a phone interview for a good $18/hour cleaning job with rather regular hours. I don't even miss the money *that* much. I found stripping much more emotionally and physically draining than a vanilla job. I couldn't work more than 2-3 days a week.

    Fast forwards to TWO DAYS ago, when I log into Facebook and his account is up, with a chat window open. I read it...He's going on a trip to Vancouver this week, and he's talking to his friend about a girl he is going to meet up with there. Saying oh, I think you know her, she started paying attention to me after you MCM'd me on instagram. His friend "jokes" about how he's responsible for her asking to hang out with my bf, and my bf replies with, "You're writing cheques for my dick to cash." You should know HE'S NEVER MET THIS GIRL BEFORE. It's a girl from Instagram who leaves flirty emojis on his selfies, and that's all.

    My best friend also took a screenshot of his Tinder account, which was active like 6 or 7 days ago when we were still together. He swears up and down he has NO idea why it would say he's active. He can't explain it. He showed me his account and he hadn't had any conversations with girls, but I don't know if he deleted any first before showing me.

    With both of these things combined, I freaked out and broke up with him. I stormed out. He assured me that it was just him talking big and bragging to his friends, and joking like idiot guys do (his words, not mine) but he had no intention to meet up with her at all. It was under the pretense of if he had time, he would see her.

    I was 100% certain in my moment of anger and grief that he was going to go cheat on me. I stupidly wrote a status saying "me: 0 scummy cheating (ex-)boyfriend: 1" and publicly humiliated him I am beating myself up so much for it now. I deleted it the next day.

    We talked on the phone and he explained to me that he would NEVER cheat on me. He told me his dad cheated on his mom and broke up the family, and he never forgave his dad for that. He doesn't talk to his dad at all. He says his biggest priority in life is not being like his dad, and that's why he couldn't cheat.

    He said he didn't fight for me when I broke up with him bc he was giving me time to cool off before reapproaching it. But then I made that status and now everyone, family and friends, thinks he's a total jerkbag loser. He said I pushed it past the point of no return.

    I want to be with him again desperately and it's so sad, I wish I didn't fuck it up. I wasn't an angel in the relationship either, and it's not like I hadn't thought about being with other people, too. I feel devastated, sad, alone, scared, suicidal. I slept for 30 hours and I have no desire to eat.

    I know these feelings are pretty normal, but I fucked up so much. If I still wanted to strip I could justify the breakup...but I'm just so burnt out. If I started stripping again I would save my money to travel the world, but even the thought of that makes me feel empty. I have no desires for anything. I feel so pathetic, why am I so unhealthily invested in this relationship?

    Thanks for listening, I needed somewhere to vent, I'm beating myself up constantly. We weren't compatible or necessarily good for each other, our sex life was boring and he wasn't a great emotional support. Not because he was callous, but because he had too much of his own shit going on in his head. We had very opposite political ideologies, and I was always too "PC" for him. He helped me relax a bit more though, and make a new life for myself that didn't include sex work, which may have been something I'm in need of. I feel completely directionless and lost.
    Last edited by Bambibabe; 10-05-2015 at 07:38 AM.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Idiot guys say idiot guy things to their buddies, but no mature truly-committed guy "jokes around" about cheating on his gf. Was the public humiliation on facebook a little over the top? Sure. Just because it's not the public's business. But just because you weren't an "angel" doesn't mean that you should put up with this kind of bullshit from him either. Even if you hadn't "fucked it up" by talking trash about him, would it really be best to be back together with him?


    Quote Originally Posted by Bambibabe View Post
    We weren't compatible or necessarily good for each other, our sex life was boring and he wasn't a great emotional support. Not because he was callous, but because he had too much of his own shit going on in his head. We had very opposite political ideologies, and I was always too "PC" for him. He helped me relax a bit more though, and make a new life for myself that didn't include sex work, which may have been something I'm in need of. I feel completely directionless and lost.
    Keep reading that bolded part over to yourself. It sounds like you're more upset about the fact that you airing dirty laundry on facebook gave him the leverage to hold the breakup over your head as though it was HIS decision and not yours, more so than you're upset about the ending of this particular relationship. If you want a life (and relationship) without sex work you can do that with any man. Better men.

    Big hugs, girlie. I know the pain of terrible relationships that you know you shouldn't give a shit about but unfortunately do. Hold strong.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    God/dess Flickdreams's Avatar
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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    I agree with Aurora; mature men do not joke around about cheating; they are strong and self affirmed in their choice to have a girlfriend and they honour that in front of their mates. Saying instead something like "that chick is a hottie but I have my own hottie at home" (you get my gist I hope!). They accept a little ribbing fro their mates for not being a playa and then everyone moves on..... what he said was totally disrespectful IMO.

    If you had decided to remain a couple then a frank and honest discussion with family/friends about your reaction (status comment) made in the heat of the moment, with your boyfriend standing beside you and being accountable for the disrespectful comment he made would certainly clear up any 'disgust' amongst emotionally mature adults. If you wanted to stay with him (which you don't I know) then this would be my suggestion actually, talk as a couple to those people he felt judged him. Is he young? maybe these thoughts don't occur until you have learned to be vulnerable/real in front of others O/S of your significant other.

    I have wanted to feel loved so badly at times in my life that I tolerated the intolerable and it has had LONG and LASTING repercussions on my mental and emotional health.

    You are making the 'tiny' tweaks that lead to big changes- you are respecting how you feel and doing something about it- takes courage girl; props.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    "He's going on a trip to Vancouver this week, and he's talking to his friend about a girl he is going to meet up with there."

    "He assured me that it was just him talking big and bragging."

    Honestly? I think he was planning on seeing this girl and he had every intention of cheating. You busted him and everything he said after that was just a lie to cover it up. I think you should trust your initial gut instinct.

    Cheaters and liars make me sick. I've seen this shit too often.

    Sorry to hear you are going through this, but hate to see someone lied to and cheated on. It sucks.

    Hang in there.

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    If he told his buddies that he was meeting this girl, and then went to Vancouver and didn't meet her, what do you think his buddies would have said?

    If nothing else, he may have met her just to save face with his friends. This is a serious problem, and you are right to be angry with him. He may not have been all that serious about meeting some girl out of town, but then again, why put it out there so that his friends could push him into it?

    If this was my S.O. and I wanted to save the relationship, I would insist on either going with him to Vancouver or insist he stay home.

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    God/dess Flickdreams's Avatar
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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tourdefranzia View Post
    If he told his buddies that he was meeting this girl, and then went to Vancouver and didn't meet her, what do you think his buddies would have said?

    If nothing else, he may have met her just to save face with his friends. This is a serious problem, and you are right to be angry with him. He may not have been all that serious about meeting some girl out of town, but then again, why put it out there so that his friends could push him into it?

    If this was my S.O. and I wanted to save the relationship, I would insist on either going with him to Vancouver or insist he stay home.
    But this doesn't remove the reasons why he felt compelled to do so in the first place (if he did indeed intend to cheat). Whats to stop him having an affair with someone else; most affairs are started with someone you already see often...
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Featured Member Tourdefranzia's Avatar
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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Flickdreams View Post
    But this doesn't remove the reasons why he felt compelled to do so in the first place (if he did indeed intend to cheat). Whats to stop him having an affair with someone else; most affairs are started with someone you already see often...
    You're right. I was giving the him the benefit of the doubt that he was just having a dick measuring contest with his friends and let his mouth get him into trouble.

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Put aside everything that you "think"' you know and only look at the things that you know for sure. You know he talked to a friend of his about cheating on you whether he intended to or not. Do you really want to be with someone who disrespects you so much that he would even do that? Sorry, if I'm with someone and they talk to their friend, my friends or anyone about even the possibility of it I'd be gone. Who cares if he got to the point of actually cheating yet, he embarrassed you and your relationship and minimized what you mean to him to someone he knows.

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    Veteran Member DreamsInDigital's Avatar
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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Quote Originally Posted by DivorcedDude View Post
    Honestly? I think he was planning on seeing this girl and he had every intention of cheating. You busted him and everything he said after that was just a lie to cover it up. I think you should trust your initial gut instinct.
    ^THISTHISTHISTHISTHIS

    IMO he doesn't seem so committed to you. You didn't really elaborate on how the two of you got back together......but the way it looks is that he either gave you another chance because you sort of begged him and he felt pressured, or because the familiarity of the relationship is comfortable for him.....but he's still looking for something "better."

    Sure, maybe the status you wrote wasn't the best idea......but don't even for one minute let him make you feel like THAT is the reason you guys can't get back together. I'm betting he was looking for a way out anyway, and he's using that as an excuse to make you feel like it's all your fault in order to distract you from the shady things that HE is doing! I'm sorry you have to go through this right now.

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    OP I think you should just completely forget about this guy and move on. Meet new guys and date and that should help you not be so invested in this guy. In my opinion he is lying to you. He has a Tinder account and 'doesn't know why it says active'? That is the stupidest excuse guys can say ("idk babe! it's a mystery!"). And he was just 'joking to his friends' about cheating on you? He is just covering his ass to shut you up. I literally have heard so many lies from my ex like that and at first I believed his excuses because I loved him and wanted to still be with him. I mean who knows if he actually ever physically cheated on me but emotionally cheating is just as bad in my opinion.

    YOU did nothing wrong. You got pissed and had every right to be pissed. Recently I saw messages my ex had sent to girls saying stuff like 'hey beautiful' 'i miss you' 'i think about you a lot' and he even asked a girl for her number. I told him I knew what he was doing and I will never even consider being with him again and he just kept lying and saying he wasn't talking to any other girls. He was SO adamant with his lies that it showed me he has probably been like this the entire relationship. Oh and then he says 'whats wrong with saying hi to old friends?' LOL yeah I'm sure these girls are all old friends.

    Anyway my point is I have learned the hard way that guys come up with the stupidest excuses in order to get their girlfriends to calm down and not be mad anymore. I have a lot of other examples too but I think you get my point. I would take everything he's saying with a grain of salt and trust your gut. Stop being so invested in him and stop beating yourself up over this. He's the one who fucked up by even 'joking' about cheating on you (which probably wasn't a joke) and even having a Tinder account. Who knows what else he's been doing. I don't mean to be so negative but I literally have just dealt with the same thing for years now and I am finally over the guy completely (for multiple reasons). This guy you're talking about is not only doing shady shit but that last paragraph you wrote already proves that you two probably shouldn't be together. Stop contact with this guy and date around to help you get over this relationship.

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Didn't read thru everything … made it maybe 2/3 thru the OP, then skimmed the replies. So, w/ this disclaimer settled, I offer my 2zł:

    Cut. Your losses. Now.

    There is WAAAY too much baggage on both sides, IMO. Save both of you a lot of stress + bs, cut the cord & start over w/o him. From what I have read of your posts abt this guy, & not just in this thread, there seems to be very little trust & w/o that trust, there is no point to being in a relationship.

    It really sounds like you got back w/ him just bc he is comfortable (familiarity) rather than bc he might truly be a good, healthy fit for you. God knows why he's back in it too -- that's a comment on his behaviour specifically, not bc I think there is smtg wrong w/ you OP. That's no way for either of you to live.

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Honestly OP, you both sound loss activated- as in you both fear losing each other more than you actually love each other. From what you've said, it seems like You don't really admire him and he doesn't respect you. He was about to lose you so he went into lying over drive. Every guy on here knows that language. Do you really believe in your heart he would have turned down the chance? If it were up and up he would have told you " yeah the guys are trying to introduce me to this girl.... " but he only told you when you caught him. He doesn't respect you, he just fears losing you.

    Unfortunately you fear losing him. Your life is a tiny bit directionless and you don't want to face uncertainty in your relationship as well as your profession. You have been almost uniformly critical of him. Yet when you face the loss of the relationship you go into full blown depression after a single day.

    For your own sake, you could work on your sense of security and belief in yourself. You do not need him, you fear being alone and the uncertainty of someone new. That isn't the basis of a strong relationship, and it probably won't last in the end. To paraphrase other posters, you have the keys to good things in your hand, but you have to have the courage to open the doors.

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    I would cut my losses and forget completely about him. Take the time to grieve, vent about it, etc for a week. After that it's time to move on. whatever you do don't go back to him. I would personally unfriend/unfollow on him on everything. What he does from this point forward is of no concern unless you have major finical ties. The relationship sounds like a dead end. Nothing but stress and heart ache will come if you continue. This guy doesn't sound like he is crazy about you or in love with you. why waste your time?

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    He "explained" to you that he would never cheat? and somehow you believed this?
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bambibabe View Post
    he would NEVER cheat on me. He told me his dad cheated on his mom and broke up the family, and he never forgave his dad for that. He doesn't talk to his dad at all. He says his biggest priority in life is not being like his dad, and that's why he couldn't cheat.
    I met people who would say stuff like this. But then they end up mimicking their parent's behavior in so many ways, subconsciously or not.

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    Default Re: HAH...this again. I'm pathetic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bambibabe View Post
    We talked on the phone and he explained to me that he would NEVER cheat on me. He told me his dad cheated on his mom and broke up the family, and he never forgave his dad for that. He doesn't talk to his dad at all. He says his biggest priority in life is not being like his dad, and that's why he couldn't cheat.
    Really? Sounded like he was planning to..you just happened to see it before it took place. Just because his Dad cheated on his Mom, doesn't mean he won't cheat on you. Its going to be hard, but I promise with every passing week it gets better. I'd definitely would question his intentions and commitment. (By the way, the emptiness is your mind adjusting to change, it helps to cry it out!)
    Last edited by BambiCutie; 10-13-2015 at 02:27 PM.

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