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Thread: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

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    Default "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    A former DJ at the club where I just started asked me this last night, after I told him I'm married. I was sitting out on the patio smoking with another dancer and him, and he asked why I didn't just get a "normal" job and why I would torture my husband by being a dancer. It really pissed me off.

    If I could make the same money, and have the same flexible schedule, at a "normal" job, sure I would. But why should I have to go through the psychological torture of working 40 hours a week doing something I hate to earn in a month what I can make in a week (maybe less) as a dancer? I've done that before, and it sucked, so what's wrong with doing this while I can? Plus, I'm going to have to be gone for weeks at a time to take care of my ill mother in another state, and I couldn't do that at any normal job, on any regular basis. Dancing, if I need to take off for 3 weeks, I can, plus I can probably dance in a club near where she lives and make money while I'm there helping her.

    Anyway, just really irked me and I needed to rant.

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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    When someone says something like that, just remind yourself that you're speaking to someone who is ignorant. Next, decide if this person is worthy of your energy to correct their ignorance (usually they aren't, sometimes they are). Then act accordingly.

    If you're going to educate them, first ask them to commit to being educated. Ask for an investment on their part. "Hmm, that's an interesting thing to say. Are you curious about my perspective on that?" Some people will say no, others are genuinely just ignorant but are open to learning. If they say no, then you haven't wasted your time, but you've also made it respectfully clear that you don't share their viewpoint. And if they say yes, then you've confirmed you're talking to someone who is actually open to hearing you.

    Most people aren't worth the effort, and it's usually obvious when you're talking to someone who's a waste of time. Just laugh as if they've made a joke and walk away. Feel free to add a "That's ridiculous!" Or similar.


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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Why is anything considered "psychological torture" to someone? Because it goes against some belief they hold about how the world "should" be - which can always be challenged and changed if you're willing to confront yourself, and/or because the person in question believes they can't remove themselves from a situation that they deem unacceptable. Your husband is obviously onboard with you dancing. I'm assuming you don't have a gun to his head, and yet, he hasn't left yet. And the DJ knows nothing about how your husband views the idea of dating a stripper or how that should/does affect your marriage.

    His statement takes none of this into account. It's just noise. Brush it off.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Not all husbands are "tortured" by a stripper wife. It's no one else's business anyway. Next time, tell him you make enough to pay for your husband's therapy so it's all good. Seriously, that dj is a dumbass.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Try to keep in mind that we are ALL ignorant about some things, and we have ALL said things that we're embarrassed to think we've said in the past. WE ARE ALL IGNORANT. We alllll say ignorant things sometimes. That's the point of ignorance - when you're ignorant, you usually don't know you're ignorant, so you're far more likely to say stupid shit.

    We've all experienced character development in our lives, right? So first give someone the benefit of the doubt that they may actually want to learn from your experience before assuming that they're a dirtbag lowlife with no potential for growth.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    So someone who works at a strip club think it's torture for someone to work a a strip club? Riiighht.

    I understand you wanting to vent, it'd piss me off too. Stupidity pisses me off. But you can't fix ignorance....maybe as someone who works in a strip club, he prob dated a dancer and was dumped by the dancer and blame it on her sex work.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Yeah, I think the fact that he had worked there is what pissed me off the most. He went on to say that if my husband worked in a job where he was around young naked women all the time, I would get upset. My husband does work in a job where much younger women flirt with him regularly, and I understand and deal with it. I know he's coming home to me! It was pure ignorance, and projecting his views onto someone else.

    My husband is, mostly, okay with me dancing. He doesn't love it, but it came down to where it's either this or I work at Walmart, and he prefers this - and not just for the money. I know I don't have to answer to anyone else but it still irked me. Thanks ladies!

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Dude opinion: $10 says he's testing to see how you respond. It's kind of a "neg" designed to make you feel inferior and vulnerable. If you demonstrate a strong bond with your spouse then you can't be had. If you throw your spouse under the bus then he'll pursue you. Obviously you all know more about men, but this was my gut response reading this.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    I've heard things like this before, too. I usually just say something like, "Admittedly, it does take a very strong man to be comfortable with or even enjoy the fact that his wife is a sex worker. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones to have found such a man."

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    Dude opinion: $10 says he's testing to see how you respond. It's kind of a "neg" designed to make you feel inferior and vulnerable. If you demonstrate a strong bond with your spouse then you can't be had. If you throw your spouse under the bus then he'll pursue you. Obviously you all know more about men, but this was my gut response reading this.
    Same here. It's actually a PUA tactic for fucking strippers.





    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Red View Post
    Audritwo's asshole sees all, knows all. Spurs on armies of orcs. Casts fear into the dwindling races of Middle-Earth. Fears hobbits.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    Why is anything considered "psychological torture" to someone? Because it goes against some belief they hold about how the world "should" be - which can always be challenged and changed if you're willing to confront yourself, and/or because the person in question believes they can't remove themselves from a situation that they deem unacceptable. Your husband is obviously onboard with you dancing. I'm assuming you don't have a gun to his head, and yet, he hasn't left yet. And the DJ knows nothing about how your husband views the idea of dating a stripper or how that should/does affect your marriage.

    His statement takes none of this into account. It's just noise. Brush it off.
    I agree!!!

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Quote Originally Posted by audritwo View Post
    Same here. It's actually a PUA tactic for fucking strippers.
    If I notice someone using the work of a PUA I sometimes say "You're familar with [insert name of the person running the program eg. Neil Strauss]" or sometimes I just ask if they are trying to "neg" me. Usually brings things to a head quickly.

    I will be trying to use some of Charlies responses- and I liked TourDeFranzia's aswell. Much more tactful and circumspect way of saying "Mind ur own business sleazy DJ"
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Charlie always takes the high road, I'd be more inclined to turn it on him; based on what I read here another common misconception is that strippers are good at picking up other women. I'd hit him with "torture?! He can barely handle all the babes I bring home - that guy is in heaven!"

    Since PUAs only measure life by how much _____ they get it always hurts them to hear another guy is doing much better. He'll act cool, but that will rankle him for weeks as he dreams about the magical threesomes he can never have . :-)

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    You can say pussy. It's okay.





    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Red View Post
    Audritwo's asshole sees all, knows all. Spurs on armies of orcs. Casts fear into the dwindling races of Middle-Earth. Fears hobbits.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Tourdefranzia View Post
    I've heard things like this before, too. I usually just say something like, "Admittedly, it does take a very strong man to be comfortable with or even enjoy the fact that his wife is a sex worker. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones to have found such a man."
    Love this response - endless variations would also work. Probably more appropriate for the club environment than my approach, depending on how busy the club is!

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Flickdreams View Post
    If I notice someone using the work of a PUA I sometimes say "You're familar with [insert name of the person running the program eg. Neil Strauss]" or sometimes I just ask if they are trying to "neg" me. Usually brings things to a head quickly.

    I will be trying to use some of Charlies responses- and I liked TourDeFranzia's aswell. Much more tactful and circumspect way of saying "Mind ur own business sleazy DJ"
    It's actually even better than that, because if he is talking from personal experience, that means he is admitting to being weak. It's implied that any man who can't handle dating a stripper is lacking somehow.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Quote Originally Posted by audritwo View Post
    You can say pussy. It's okay.
    I'm going to save this thread :-)

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    The mental anguish! Your wife is the hottest of all your friends. Makes more working when and how she wants. You can party or not (within bounds) with the crew. She gets paid by other men for (a lot less than ) what you get for free. And you can laugh at the fucktards.

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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora2 View Post
    he asked why I didn't just get a "normal" job and why I would torture my husband by being a dancer. It really pissed me off.
    I had other club employees asking me the same ,and this is my answer:

    "Adult work is basically all I can do due to my crappy mental health. That's why I park on the handicap spot, hence I have the placard and the disabled vet designation on my plates. Don't worry, he has the same license plate designation and takes lots of Prozac so he's fine."

    They look at me with a shocking look and never ask that question again.





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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    ^ I agree! I don't believe it psychologically tortures ANY guy unless they just can't it in their own minds. Most of my ex's have hated my job as a dancer but I kept on doing it bc I need to support myself bc none of them could do it. I recently heard thru a friend that my ex just wrote a song about me & my "stripper life" hahaha I really wanna hear it despite how angry it must be I'm flattered that I've inspired his music.
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: "Why put your husband through the psychological torture?"

    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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