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Thread: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Last year, we bought a house in Austin in a very quiet neighborhood on the outskirts of the city. Now, that neighborhood is being "destroyed" by the city to turn it into some park and the city is giving us a generous amount of money in order to move (they will pay for the rest of the home and pay the difference for the new one if the new one is more expensive).

    The thing is, I wanna stay in the Austin area. I'd be happy with any of the nearby towns as well (eg. Kyle and Pflugerville are my favorites).My hubs wants to move to...SAN ANTONIO!

    I am not crazy about SA, despite we could get a bigger house in a much nicer neighborhood for cheaper than in the Austin area. I'd be ok with a smaller home in a midrange neighborhood, but he's not having it. He grew up in a trailer and had live in extreme poverty most of his life, so for him a big house in a nice neighborhood means a lot to him. I'm from a more more middle class backgroud but I am not concerned with "keeping up with the Jones" like he is. I would even be ok with a trailer laid on a foundation, but he wants a big house in a nice "cookie cutter" neighborhood and SA has tons of those for way less than Austin.

    Other things I don't like about SA is the insane number of mega churches. Austin is hella secular, and I love it. The last thing I want is religion being shoved into my throat. SA also has some ups, but the downs outweights the ups for me.

    He does not care about my feelings about this and is ignoring me regarding this matter.





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    Featured Member BambiCutie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    Last year, we bought a house in Austin in a very quiet neighborhood on the outskirts of the city. Now, that neighborhood is being "destroyed" by the city to turn it into some park and the city is giving us a generous amount of money in order to move (they will pay for the rest of the home and pay the difference for the new one if the new one is more expensive).

    The thing is, I wanna stay in the Austin area. I'd be happy with any of the nearby towns as well (eg. Kyle and Pflugerville are my favorites).My hubs wants to move to...SAN ANTONIO!

    I am not crazy about SA, despite we could get a bigger house in a much nicer neighborhood for cheaper than in the Austin area. I'd be ok with a smaller home in a midrange neighborhood, but he's not having it. He grew up in a trailer and had live in extreme poverty most of his life, so for him a big house in a nice neighborhood means a lot to him. I'm from a more more middle class backgroud but I am not concerned with "keeping up with the Jones" like he is. I would even be ok with a trailer laid on a foundation, but he wants a big house in a nice "cookie cutter" neighborhood and SA has tons of those for way less than Austin.

    Other things I don't like about SA is the insane number of mega churches. Austin is hella secular, and I love it. The last thing I want is religion being shoved into my throat. SA also has some ups, but the downs outweights the ups for me.

    He does not care about my feelings about this and is ignoring me regarding this matter.
    Aw, I'm sorry for the move..I am sure no amount of money can replace the home you two share. (People can be evil) The fact he is not taking your opinion into consideration is a little, nerve racking I am sure. He really won't accept any other place to live, but his suggestion? Also, one of the biggest things that annoy me most is bible thumpers..okay, death is there. Moving on, it may be rough for him to stay in a trailer if he grew up living in a house. It would not only save you money to down grade, it can keep cooling cost down during warm/hot weather, make traveling easier. (for sudden moving if you ever choose to find a house later on) and you can sometimes find really good land on trailer grounds. (If you ever choose to build a house, friend owned a trailer that had nearly 1 acre) I'd remind him that you're his Wife and should be entitled to share feelings as well when it involves your life. Its being very unfair and narrow minded.
    Last edited by BambiCutie; 10-13-2015 at 01:45 PM.

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by BambiCutie View Post
    I'd remind him that you're his Girlfriend and should be entitled to share feelings as well when it involves your life. Its being very unfair and narrow minded.
    Wife. We've been legally married for four years. He is so set on the idea of San Antonio, that is even contacting the homeowner's associations of the neighborhhods he's interested. Many places around Austin don't have HOAs, and I like that.





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    Featured Member BambiCutie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Even if you're married, it still takes two people. Its understanding your aspect of the situation before jumping to a drastic change. For such a commitment, (owning a house and moving) its surprising he hasn't taken more thought into it. HOA can be annoying and having pets can make it a hassle, plus all the extra community junk mail..ugh!

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    My husband and I just finished a move to a new place because I was miserable in the old location. He didn't like the old place very much either but due to his work he had to factor in 'appearances' ish and on that tip at least the old place fit the bill.

    We talked for months until we found a new home that works for both of us, it was difficult to do but so worth it because both parties in a relationship need to feel satisfied with something as personal as a home. Both parties need to feel they have a voice in the decision.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    He does not care about my feelings about this and is ignoring me regarding this matter.
    ^^^this is a major problem no matter the issue. A partnership involves compromise, talking about things for as long as it takes to figure out a solution that fits the most important needs of each party, as each party perceives them. If what you wrote above is true seems like he feels like he has the right to unilaterally make a decision for both of you. That's not fair and if I were you I'd be really firm that you deserve an equal voice.

    Is the only issue that he wants a bigger home? Not growing up with much I could see how he would visualize big house=success, but there's more to wealth preservation/growth than that. A smaller but liveable home in Austin or surrounding hoods may offer better resale value down the line, in which case SA may not be the wisest choice from a financial perspective, particularly if you end up with more space than you need.

    Making a major purchase like a home needs to be a rational, well thought out decision arrived at together. If I were you I'd sit down with him and start a real discussion about what you both need and want. Wish ya good luck.

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Is there a business reason he needs to be in San Antone?

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by slowpoke View Post
    Is there a business reason he needs to be in San Antone?
    No reason.





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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    So agree with Loveshooks. I wish I could have some of the ladies on here sitting beside me, conciliating, when I'm having D&Ms with my husband, mum, in laws etc sometimes!
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    When we talk about the move, he talks assuming we're moving to SA. It bothers me a lot.





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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    When we talk about the move, he talks assuming we're moving to SA. It bothers me a lot.
    Exactly when did he get to make these decisions on his own? If I were you, I would tell him flat out that you aren't interested in moving to San Antonio. If he bulldozes over your statement, then IMHO you should make it clear that if he won't listen, then he can move there alone. I know that sounds harsh, but you are his wife and the mother of his child, not a pet to be told where you are going.

    If memory serves, he is also on permanent disability and providing limited income to the house, so you're carrying a big stick that you shouldn't be afraid to use if he tries to dictate things. You have enough pressures and burdens already. The least he can do is work with you to keep you happy with where you live.

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    The city is about to give us a final offer later today or tomorrow. I'll post more about this.





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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    The city is about to give us a final offer later today or tomorrow. I'll post more about this.
    Is this part of the Onion Creek buyout?

    The city should have a relocation assistance program that includes helping you search for a new residence, moving costs up to 50 miles, closing costs on the new residence and a lot of other things.

    There are plenty of nice communities between Austin and San Antone, if he thinks he needs to live there, there is even a Cabellas in Buda.

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    ^ Yes, slowpoke, we're part of that buyout. We're meeting with those people tomorrow.





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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Well, Good Luck, hon! Fingers crossed for you.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Your wishes and desires matter too, and he needs to get that. I live where I do because my husband basically insisted on it - he got a better job offer, thought it would only be for a few years, and so I left where I'm from, left my whole family behind, and moved with 2 small children. Now I absolutely hate where we live (Texas/Mexico border), "temporary" turned into 9+ years with no sign of leaving any time soon, and I have zero friends of my own here. I really really resent my husband for forcing me to move and I will never forgive him for it. Austin to San Antonio is not as extreme, but you will likely still resent him and be unhappy. I would love to live in Austin, but SA doesn't seem like my kind of place either. I get what you say about the "secular Austin" atmosphere too. You really need to talk to him about this and stand your ground if you can.

    Keep us posted.

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Good luck ! I've visited that area and maybe somewhere in the middle could work so you can still get your Austin fix a few days a week could work.
    I'd would also "firmly insist " on staying in Austin if it's important to you! I don't have a ton of experience with the cities but even on my short visits, I could tell that I would highly prefer Austin and if there is important to you, speak up ! Sometimes it's NOT WORTH the trade off to get more house but less enthusiasm about where you live.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 10-19-2015 at 05:50 PM.

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Married dude here:

    Rickdugan, Carmen_b, and Aurora2 are right (as well as others I may have missed skimming this). I would never consider moving without getting both of our input (me and my wife). Hell, when we moved as kids, I recall my mom asking us kids for (limited) input. On one hand, I understand not coming from much. And in some ways that makes what he's doing even more inexcusable. Marriage as partnership should be woven into the fiber of your beings. And when you have nothing, each other is (literally?) all that you have.

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I'd would also "firmly insist " on staying in Austin if it's important to you! … and if there is important to you, speak up
    (Emphasis mine.)

    This is what is needed. It won't be pretty or easy to do. You may need to scream and cry as loud as you can, if he doesn't hear you the first time you speak up.

    A marriage should be the contributions of 2 people for the benefit of those 2 people. Maybe it is not 50:50, but I should be FAIR. Maybe we use the word congruent instead of equal or maybe not. But regardless, it should be FAIR. He gets something; you get something.

    I try to keep an open mind, and even I get bullheaded a few times and my wife needed to resort to this. You know what, it works. You need to speak up.

    That's my 2 cents.

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    Veteran Member buttonpop's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    He does not care about my feelings about this and is ignoring me regarding this matter.
    My jaw nearly dropped when I read this. If this happened to me, I would tell him that he doesn't get to control my life, that I'm not his property, and making a unilateral decision to move without my desire, approval or even consent is controlling me and treating me like property. This makes me furious! I really hope he comes to his senses and realizes that not only do you deserve a fair say in where you live, and you deserve to be treated like an equal partner and not property, but that he wouldn't want to you live somewhere that you didn't want to live either because he wants you to be happy.
    Do your future self a favor and work hard now.

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    He does not care about my feelings about this and is ignoring me regarding this matter.
    I read this elsewhere on this site but it bears repeating.

    You are not chattel.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chattel_marriage
    http://chnm.gmu.edu/courses/omalley/...rica/marriage/

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by Dominic.2 View Post
    I read this elsewhere on this site but it bears repeating.

    You are not chattel.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chattel_marriage
    http://chnm.gmu.edu/courses/omalley/...rica/marriage/
    yeah, I am not going to be quite this harsh, but I have had to do a similar move in the past and it was a long two sided conversation.

    Something must be fixed there

    Sometimes it is language. If you are too round about he may not get it and if you are upset and arguing he may not hear it, I dunno, just a thought

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    How about an update!

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    There are a lot of wonderful places to live outside the metropolitan areas. Houses on non cookie cutter real estate, cheaper than in town.

    https://txls.com/

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by slowpoke View Post
    There are a lot of wonderful places to live outside the metropolitan areas. Houses on non cookie cutter real estate, cheaper than in town.

    https://txls.com/
    What about the snakes though?!


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    What about the snakes though?!
    I don't think the snakes will mind.

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    Default Re: Sad about moving; hubs wants to move to a different town

    Hes a jerk.

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