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Thread: Should I be upset?

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    Default Should I be upset?

    My boyfriend moved in with me 8 weeks ago. Had his own place for 2 years since he got divorced his wife and sons live in the home he had with them. Bottom line he goes there and parks his butt down in the basement with the boys 21 and 16 to watch games TV etc. The ex is never home honestly she is not an issue I don't feel threatened or whatever by her. He treats me great. It just bothers me that he goes there. Is it normal ? When he had his place he did the same and it has always bugged me. I know the younger one well the older is busy being 21 and is kind of cool towards me. Is it a man cave bonding type of thing. He also mows the lawn and does repairs etc to "save money "

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Yeah he probably still feels like it's his house so he's taking care of the yard work. And he's going over there to hang out with his kids. IMHO, you should chill out. It's not like he's going when the kids aren't there.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Thank you I appreciate your honesty

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Well if you don't feel the ex will disrespect your relationship then it should be fine.

    I personally wouldn't like if he was staying there for hours on end or going over after sunset.

    But hey if it works for you and nothing funny is going on then it seems fine. But if anybody gets out of line, I'd shut it down and build the man cave at my house or think of activities you, your husband, and step sons can do together as a family vs. them laying around the ex wife's house all day.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Well if you don't feel the ex will disrespect your relationship then it should be fine.

    I personally wouldn't like if he was staying there for hours on end or going over after sunset.

    But hey if it works for you and nothing funny is going on then it seems fine. But if anybody gets out of line, I'd shut it down and build the man cave at my house or think of activities you, your husband, and step sons can do together as a family vs. them laying around the ex wife's house all day.

    Its been really stressing me, there is nothing going on with him and her she went into menopause and completely shut him out sexually years ago. He's older different generation old school Italian he's 54 and he just feels like it's his kids his house. They are more than welcomed to come to my now his home but going there is way he prefers. Thank you

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by tommy'sgirl View Post
    Its been really stressing me, there is nothing going on with him and her she went into menopause and completely shut him out sexually years ago. He's older different generation old school Italian he's 54 and he just feels like it's his kids his house. They are more than welcomed to come to my now his home but going there is way he prefers. Thank you

    It it could be the video games then. those gamers are serious about their games girl!

    Or maybe there was some agreement that when they divorce he could come over any time to see the kids. and they are the rare people who can divorce amicably yet not have any lingering sexual/romantic feelings which is good.

    Again I think he should have a time limit of say 2 hours at the house then be on his way to either do something with the kids outside the home (like movie, park, arcade, etc) or doing something with your family as a whole or going to work. But this is just me maybe I'm traditional when it comes to relationships.

    Why does it bother you so much?
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    I am traditional too and feel left out. I didn't have kids with my ex so he is completely out of my life because it makes my bf insanely jealous I told him how would he feel if I went there to my old house to watch tv? I know the kids the kids but still it bugs me

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    has he ever invited you over to hang out too? have you told him that you feel a little bit left out? i think its great that he's still in his children's lives personally, noting worse than a deadbeat so it shows he's a good man in that dept

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    If they're anything like my parents (who are around the same age or a few years older) then your bf and his ex wife can be around each other without anything ever happening sexually. My parents separated but still have a decent enough relationship where they can be around each other and be civil whenever theres a family function involving the kids. He could have that type of situation going with her. He wants to see his kids and things are fine enough between him and his ex wife that they can be around each other as well. Italians tend to be very family-oriented and very close so it doesn't seem that strange to me.

    Also, maybe your bf doesn't want to make too much of a change for his sons and bringing them around to his new home with a new woman could be hard for them. If I were you I would just have a conversation with him about how it makes you uncomfortable but I would respect his bonding time with his sons.

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Or get the wifey privileges asap so you can lay down the law.

    It might not be anything sexual going on between them two but he's not doing anything to make OP included in the family (and they are serious enough to be living together) granted op is just a girlfriend so technically she has minimal authority in this situation.

    Unless he is poor, I don't see why he can't at least hang out and bond with the kids in a public places like a mall etc. this way he's not at the ex wife's house all day and he doesn't have to bring them to their house either.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Some good points you guys are right on. He's alittle broke so yes he does it to save money as much as possible these are big boys they could really eat$$$ and the two of them ex and him could be naked on a deserted island for a year and nothing would happen. He is also alittle concerned about what his sons think as far as my looks, I am retired now from dancing but I am still hot, and younger so he feels like the dirty old man but that is so not the case. He has a good heart and we fell in love he was getting his hair cut next door to where I work I am a dog groomer I look like shit at work we met talked clicked I was just getting divorced we had that much in common. Thank you everyone

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    How long have you two been together? I mean 2 months isn't that long to be living with someone I don't think it's strange that he may not feel comfortable blending his family with his relationship just yet. I think you should give him a little more time and if he still never includes you then you have a right to be upset. But your looks could definitely be why he is hesitant to include you OP. Take it as a compliment! lol

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    It's probably just a lot harder to get his kids to leave the house and go "do something" than it is for him to just go over there and hang out where they are already at doing their thing (tv, video games, etc). He probably realizes that if he had to plan events and get the kids to agree to go do them he wouldn't get to see them as often as he wants to. IMO you should realize that if you push this and it makes it so that he loses time with them it will probably only hurt your relationship. As long as you trust him and the time he spends with them isn't the issue then I think making the place he does it an issue will cause more harm than good for you, him and the kids.

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Yes bobble head you are right about everything you stated it's tough getting them motivated to leave the house. We have been together 11 months

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    You'll probably create a lot of tension if you try to interfere with this. He's trying to squeeze in whatever bonding time he has left with them before they spread their wings and fly the coop. If you don't have any concerns about the ex, then IMHO you'd do more harm than good by challenging him on it. Visiting the kids alone at the house is probably his way of keeping it as normal as possible and not rubbing their faces in the divorce or that he now has a GF much younger than their mother.

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    If it bothers you that a man goes and hangs out with his kids then you shouldn't be dating a man with kids.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by tommy'sgirl View Post
    Its been really stressing me, there is nothing going on with him and her she went into menopause and completely shut him out sexually years ago. He's older different generation old school Italian he's 54 and he just feels like it's his kids his house. They are more than welcomed to come to my now his home but going there is way he prefers. Thank you
    Have you ever invited him to bring his sons over?

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    I wouldn't like that at all, but depending on the level of relationship you guys have u may not wanna show it like if your not super serious but if you are, i wouldn't allow that at all, if he wants to see them he doesn't have to go over to the ex's house, there old enough that they shouldn't even need to talk in my opinion but I am very territorial over my men.

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    it's his kids. they came before you. they always will. always should. he picks how. get it past you or move on.

    limiting his time with them is absurd and mean. You really want to make him choose? He picks them, you lose and he resents you. he picks you, they lose and he resents you and so do they

    telling him how and when to do it is absurd. Maybe the kids don't want to " be seen out with" dad. Maybe he is doing projects with them. Maybe who knows...but it is what it is. and was before you arrived.

    Just because you DON't have kids and DON't have to choose...you dont get to push someone else too.

    Fuck anyone that complains about my relationship with my daughter . or what (non romantically) I do w daughter her mom and I to give daughter a family dynamic. It's my choice. His is his.

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    True the kids are your blood and should be a priority but in some cultures, religions, the husband and wife come first then the kids next in the hierarchy.

    He's been divorced for two years. That's plenty of time to acclimate the kids to the idea of a blended/step family with the OP in the near future. Plus, even though they are not married yet, they live together so they must be on some level of seriousness and commitment.

    If your relationship is ready then maybe you can build a better man cave or think of some free events in the city you can go to with your bf and the kids all together
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Should I be upset?

    You said his ex isn't even there when he goes to hang out with his kids. If that is truly the case, it is no different from them having their own place and dad coming over for family football time. I don't know why they can't alternate and maybe do once a month at your house, it could be as simple as the kids have a bigger tv/more space, complicated as they aren't 100% comfortable around you. Maybe he helps his ex out with small house chores because they had an amicable break up and he would prefer his child support be used just for supporting his kids. Maybe he likes the busywork, men in my family (super Italian) are always fixing/ adding on to someone's house/ landscape, fixing cars, doing things to get away from being stuck in the house with their families. (Italians are just weird) He may have let his wife keep the house in the divorce so his kids wouldn't get displaced by moving, so maybe he really does still see it as HIS HOME. At his age, he could just be used to a certain routine and resistant to change. We don't have the answers, he does. Why don't you talk to him and find out? At this point you already moved in with him, even though you knew this was the way the family did things, so all you can do now is compromise or leave.

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