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Thread: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

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    Default VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    I'm sorry for the lame "husband doesn't support me dancing" thread. I'm just at a loss and I need somewhere to get it all out. I don't know how I let myself be put in this position and now I don't know how to get out of it. I think it boils down to being foolish, naive and not listening to my gut.

    For some context... I am 22, husband is 37. We live in Canada and I am currently on maternity leave till July 2016.

    May 2014 - Working full time vanilla job Monday to Friday. Started dancing Friday/Saturday nights and after dumping up my cheating ex. Best decision ever!
    July 2014 - Enjoying my freedom and new found financial independence. Working hard to pay off my debts accumulated while with my ex, with the goal to save up a hefty amount to go to university. Then walked in the man that would become my husband. I knew better not to date customers. But for whatever reason I thought he (we) could be the exception to the rule. It honestly seemed that way at first. I made it clear what my intentions were in terms of dancing... and I let him know from the beginning that I would not quit my job for him. He said he was okay with that as long as I continued to work at my no-contact club. What seemed like bliss ensued. Then our relationship began to move super quickly.
    December 2014 - By this time he practically lived with me. There had been a few spats about my job by this point. I made it clear several times if he didn't like it or couldn't handle it he could leave. I stopped trying to cultivate any regulars as contact with customers outside the club made him uncomfortable. I tried to text with him more often throughout my shift as long periods of silence made him worry... no matter how many times I reassured him that I was just busy making money. Then BAM! I found out I was pregnant. Instantly I thought I was going to have an abortion, it wasn't in my "plan" to have a child, yet. Especially not with a man I had only knew for a few months. For whatever reason I changed my mind. We agreed to enter the journey of parenthood together.
    March 2015 - We bought a house together. By now he asked me if I planned on continue dancing. Being a pregnant whale I told him no, I don't believe so. This is where I made my fatal error. I knew I missed dancing. I miss the cash and I missed performing on stage. I use to dream of the time that I could do it again once more. Ignoring my gut instinct we continued to press on.
    July 2015 - We got married. Again, foolish on my behalf. Being 22 I had this idealistic dream that I would spend the rest of my life with the father of my unborn child. 36 weeks pregnant we got married in front of our families.
    August 2015 - My son was born. Life was going well. Both of us happy as could be. Totally in love with our little boy.
    October 2015 - I expressed my desire to return to dancing and shit went down hill. I had been keeping to myself for weeks by this point... knowing he would be unhappy about this revelation. And low and behold when I told him he threatened to divorce me. Apparently the only reason why he married me was because I had said I would not go back. It was a huge fight unlike any other we had ever had before. For this first time I saw I totally different side of him. He called me a stupid bitch when I told him to go get his papers. (This was not the first time he used our relationship as leverage in a fight, and I was pissed that he was yet again). He then proceeded to throw our son's swing at the tv... breaking it. Not once in our relationship had he exhibit any violent behaviour or name calling.

    As of right now we are at a stand still. I don't speak about my desire to dance again. It's almost like we are pretending the fight never happened. But the scars are there. I had no plan of becoming a wife and a mother at the age of 22. My goal was to get out of debt and go back to school. I didn't want to be trapped at my shitty job making $40,000/yr for the rest of my life. Obviously there has been some major changes to my plan. Not for a second do I regret having my son though. Yes it would have been nice if it was a few years down the line, but that is not what happened. I don't know what to do about my husband though. I told him from the beginning I wouldn't quit my job for him and somehow I ended up in a position that I did. I feel like my dream of going back to school is over. I have no clue how I could possibly finance it without going into terrible debt. Everyday I feel the resentment build, and it eats away at me all day long while I am at home taking care of our son.<br>Our household income of $80,000+ means we are not struggling to put food on the table, but I feel like we are one emergency away from being in that position. Financial stability means a lot to me. If something were to happen to either one of us we would be screwed. I just don't know if financial stability is worth the cost of my family. I don't know what I have done. I'm just scared and I am angry. It eats away at my happiness and consumes me all day long. Just until my husband gets home and I put my game face back on.

    It could be worse I guess...

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    From the sounds of it, it seems like you said no to dancing while you were pregnant, and he took it as that you were quitting forever. You did tell him from day 1 that you weren't quitting for him, so he shouldn't have expected that you would. Unfortunately, not many guys can handle being with someone in the industry, even if they're okay with it in the beginning. you said that the only reason why he married you was because he thought you quit for good-- that's a good example of him not being totally okay with that. From the sounds of it, he didn't want to settle down with a dancer, but dating a dancer was fine (in his book), because dating is less permanent. Maybe you quitting for good was the trigger for him actually wanting to settle down and marry you, so that could be why he's so pissed about you wanting to go back.

    I understand that you might not want to split up your family, especially with a newborn involved, but I think you need to evaluate what you really want. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Or is dancing more important to you? Have you expressed to him WHY you want to go back, and how important being financially stable is to you?

    As for financial stabiliy, there are other ways to achieve that besides dancing. Is the 80,000/year a combination of your income and his? If it's just his, and you did work at a 40,000/year vanilla job, you'd raise that income to 120,000/year. And nobody is saying that you have to make that salary your entire life. Maybe work in company that hires/promotes from within, so you have opportunities for future advancement.

    Do you live in a high cost of living area, where that money doesn't go very far? if you're in a big city, maybe you can move to a surrounding area, and reduce some of your living costs? If only a small percentage of your income is going to living costs (I believe the recommended amount is 30%), it would alleviate some concerns about what would happen to you guys financially (making the mortgage payment, food, etc) if something DID happen to one of you guys.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    You know what to do. Leave his ass and make your money! You're walking on egg shells around this guy. Which is a trauma response. You're still young, which means you can make $$$ dancing and still have time to get a degree. I can't think of another job that allows you to pay and go to college, take care of a little one, and gives you the flexible schedule you need during school. Your future is the most important. Your future = your son's future. Next time your husband may throw your son's swing at you, rather than the TV. He was power tripping because he couldn't control you.


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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Thank you ladies!

    We purchased our home in a small city. Our cost of living has been reduced as much as it can be I believe. Both of our incomes combined equal just over $80,000. My full time vanilla job does offer room for advancement if I stay within my company. But logistics is not my passion or what I dream to do for the rest of my life.
    I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, but his recent behaviours worry me. What if next time he loses his temper he hurts my son or I? When is the next time he's going to use our relationship as leverage in a fight to get what he wants? My step-father was abusive during my childhood and my husband is aware that I do not wish to repeat that cycle.
    I think the majority of our issues stem from me dancing. But why get involved with a dancer if you do not want to be with one? It's not like it was a secret... it was where we met me. He knew before I got pregnant that dancing was going to be in my foreseeable future.
    This is going to sound terrible... but I feel as if my husband got me pregnant on purpose as a means to control me and get me out of dancing. As it's not acceptable to him for a mother/wife to have that sort of profession.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    In my opinion you barely know this guy. You met not even a year and a half ago and now you two are married with a child. I think you should start planning your way out of this relationship if you aren't happy in it. And girl you are way too young to be telling yourself 'it could be worse'! You are only 22 and have so much time ahead of you to still go to school and be independent. I was with a guy for 4 years and recently broke up with him and moved to a new state because I knew I could be so much happier and I wasn't ready to just settle with where I was at in my life. I'm sure things would be different if we were married with a kid, but I still don't think those two things mean you are stuck settling and not being 100% happy. Maybe you don't have to pack up and move you and your son right now but if you are working start saving up in your personal bank account. Or get a job in the meantime and start saving. When you feel ready and like you have enough to support the two of you for a little while then leave. Like the other poster said stripping is the one job that lets us support ourselves and still go to school.

    So if you aren't happy start planning a way out and know that you still have so much time to get out and do the things YOU want to do. You can still get a degree and give your son a great life even without being married and living with this man. He will hopefully still want to be in your son's life and maybe you two can co-parent without actually being together so you're free to live your life on your terms and not his.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    get out. now. he's abusive. he only married you because he thought you wouldn't go back to dancing... that's not love. that's control.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    i agree with 22. i think you should *carefully*plan a way out. i think he's showing some really abusive, controlling, scary red flags. what you are describing makes it sound like he thinks of you as his property.
    now it would be real easy for me to go "fuck him, leave now girl and never look back" because i'm sitting here from the comfort of my own little home behind my computer screen. life isn't that easy, ESPECIALLY with a newborn, and when you are married. my sister is going through something similar. my advice would be to sock money away, but not in a bank or a way that he could find it. say you're "paying your parents back" for something, and have them hold it for you or get a REALLY well hidden little safe. talk to a lawyer, and you need to get his violent outbursts on record the next time he does it!! don't do anything rash, however if he does get violent with you or your child get the hell out of there after calling the police.
    don't quit your straight job whatever you do, it will help in court.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Maybe you could sneak dancing? Like tell him your out w friends…. Or maybe you could try caming

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    $40K isn't a shitty job, that's more like an average job these days. With that said, I do understand that you want what is best for you and your son. Right now you aren't in a healthy relationship with your son's father let alone anything resembling a decent marriage. A healthy marriage is cooperative where both partners contribute and both partners benefit and support one another.

    I can give you some advice that my mom gave my niece who was in a similar situation to yours. She was 19 and he was 37. With that age difference, he should be taking care of you. He should be better off financially and emotionally. Basically he should have his shit together. This may sound anachronistic, but let's be real; plenty of older men will give their left nut to be with a much younger (youthful) woman. So really you should expect better.

    I just don't know if financial stability is worth the cost of my family
    You family is you and your son. If you can best support him through sex work (dancing or camming) that is what you should do.

    My own mother really tried with her husband and the various boyfriends in her life. She really did. But she was really bad at choosing partners. Staying with them was never worth trade-off, EVER. That part of my childhood I do remember. Home for us was always the space of air between her and us.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    I was also going to comment about the violent behavior, but I didn't want to come off as judgmental/presumptuous. As you said in a previous post, this time it was the chair, next time it could be you. Abusive people don't always show their true colors in the beginning stages of a relationship. I would definitely watch out and be careful about this.

    If you truly know you want to be with him, by all means, see if you two can come up with a compromise that satisfies you both (and for him to resolve any anger issues). However, you are 22, and you don't need to settle. If you feel as though you are settling, then I would say get out now. Staying with someone because you feel stuck (perhaps because you have a baby together?) would only lead to more resentment, and you would not be allowing yourself to meet someone who makes you truly happy. You are so young! You have your whole life ahead of you. It is hard to leave with a new baby, and I totally get that, but staying in a toxic relationship for the sake of your baby would be more damaging than growing up in a single-parent household (no shame on single parents! I have a lot of respect for them, and how hard they work to take care of their children!)

    So really, think about what is most important to you. Do you love your husband enough to quit dancing once and for all? Does he love you enough to accept it and come up with a compromise? I will tell you that gaining your own financial stability in your younger years is very smart! I'm 25, so not yet over the hill, but I wish I would have started dancing earlier… I got in a lot of financial trouble (well, credit card debt) when I was 21-22, and I'm just now trying to rebuild my finances. lol so I totally get you wanting your own financial stability. If dancing will bring you that, and your husband can't and won't allow you to achieve it… then you need to do what is best for you.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by raquelle_xo View Post
    I had no plan of becoming a wife and a mother at the age of 22. My goal was to get out of debt and go back to school. I didn't want to be trapped at my shitty job making $40,000/yr for the rest of my life.
    If we are calling it like it is, this is the real issue here. You are feeling trapped and are questioning whether you want the lifestyle that you are living. IMHO if we are going to talk about this honestly, we need to evaluate it on that basis.

    Doing something that leads to a split will most likely make things less financially stable, not more so. Two households cost more to support than one and there is now a baby who needs round the clock care, which makes working a lot of hours much more complicated and potentially expensive if the two parents are each flying solo.

    On the violence front, he's shown no history of abuse or violence to this point. Now I agree that he shouldn't have been so surprised by this and that he reacted poorly, but labeling him as a violent abuser just one step away from beating his wife and kid because of his reaction to a pronouncement like this is a bit specious. Honestly, a reaction like this from a husband who received news like this from his wife and the mother of his newborn wouldn't seem quite so extreme almost anywhere else but here.

    Now if I am wrong and this really is about schooling and debt reduction. then I can't help but wonder if there are avenues other than dancing through which you could accomplish your goals. You've got a stable household with two incomes to use as a launching point, which is a great position to start from. Perhaps you could sit down with him and explain that you want to do more with your life. You are only 22. He should understand and, if he was smart, he would work with you on this stuff.

    But if this is more about buyer's remorse relating to your overall lifestyle and you are looking for the exit, then I suppose it is what it is and that you'll do whatever you need to.

    In any event, good luck!
    Last edited by rickdugan; 11-05-2015 at 09:50 AM.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    On the violence front, he's shown no history of abuse or violence to this point. Now I agree that he shouldn't have been so surprised by this and that he reacted poorly, but labeling him as a violent abuser just one step away from beating his wife and kid because of his reaction to a pronouncement like this is a bit specious. Honestly, a reaction like this from a husband who received news like this from his wife and the mother of his newborn wouldn't seem quite so extreme almost anywhere else but here.
    I mean when I told my bf at the time I wanted to go back to dancing he didn't call me a stupid bitch and smash our tv with a chair... that's crossing the line and not just 'reacting poorly'. I think this guy is showing his true colors especially since she's only known him for a year and a half and clearly doesn't know every side to him.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by 22lligm View Post
    I mean when I told my bf at the time I wanted to go back to dancing he didn't call me a stupid bitch and smash our tv with a chair... that's crossing the line and not just 'reacting poorly'. I think this guy is showing his true colors especially since she's only known him for a year and a half and clearly doesn't know every side to him.
    I don't think that one ever really knows anyone else completely. But after 1 1/2 years, including a year living together, I think she would have seen some sign of a violent streak before now if he was predisposed towards abuse.

    And this was not a boyfriend, but a husband who shares a child and committed to sharing a life with her. I'm not defending his outburst, but I can understand it. They recently got married, had a baby and bought a house together. He assumed, based upon what she previously told him, that her time as a dancer (and all the worries that come with it) was over. When he heard that she wanted to dance again, the world likely fell out from under his feet. His wife and the mother of his baby would be dancing naked for anyone who could pony up the cost of a club entrance fee, which could include anyone in their social circles (which have likely expanded since they have been together and had a child), scumbags looking to do bad things, hot guys with romantic intentions (that's how he met her after all, lol), etc., etc. She would also be leaving him and their baby alone on weekend nights in order to ride off and do this. I'm sure he is also worried about the various other affects that dancing could have on her and their relationship.

    Again, I'm not defending his reaction, but let's look at it in proper context. IMHO it is a stretch to assume that he has suddenly become a batterer after all this time and much more likely that he just lost his shit for all of the reasons above.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Maybe he did trap you with a baby thinking that would make you want to quit dancing for good. But then you subconsciously allowed the trap. Family planning goes hand in hand with career planning. These are things to work out before procreating. But now that you all are in this situation someone is going to have to compromise for you both to be happy.

    throwing stuff around like a madman is somewhat juvenile reaction. I can think of a number of other ways to effectively deal with anger than throwing objects. Someone could have gotten injured by him doing that.

    Plus I don't understand how a guy would meet a woman in a strip club doing something you enjoy yet expect she's never thought about going back whether for work or for fun. Are you wanting to go back just for money or did you enjoy working as a dancer or both? You seem very concerned about money but 80k is plenty unless you all are in some serious debt or live in high cost of living areas. If he knew about your debt was there a discussion of exactly where the money for repayment would come from? If he knew about this before you all were married then he should have helped you repay the debt so you wouldn't have to go back to dancing to make more money.

    And yes I think you were to vague when your then boyfriends asked you about desire to return to dancing. Either you changed your mind or you werent completely honest. That and his constant questioning about your career even though he goes to strip clubs he has some complex about dating dancers (it's okay for dating but he would never get serious with you if you continued)

    You mentioned you both have had spats a few times over this one topic. That's a sign to pay attention to.
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 11-05-2015 at 12:49 PM.
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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Oh, honey. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The good news is, if there's one industry where single mothers can achieve financial stability, it's stripping. You can still go back to school. You can still make all of it work! You're only 22, which is seriously so young, and you have plenty of time to accomplish your goals.

    I agree that you should leave this dude. It's a big freaking deal that he's threatened to divorce you because you wanted to dance again. That's manipulation, girl. Furthermore, it's inexcusable that he called you a stupid bitch and threw stuff, too. Do you want your son to grow up witnessing that?

    And finally, for what it's worth, your post reminds me so much of my last relationship. It started the exact same way although I got out a little bit sooner. Leaving that guy was the best decision I've ever made and I'm still ecstatic to be free of him. None of us need men like that.

    Trust your instincts, okay? If you're not happy, it's for a reason. You have the ability to live your life the way you want to.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Just go to school. Community college is cheap. Do a 2 yr program. Don't break up a happy home. Be glad that your husband cares about you and that u have a job. In this economy, 40k isn't that bad because there are people with 4 year degrees (sometimes more than 1 degree) that can't find work so they have to work as bartenders and waitresses.

    Aside from stripping, do you love him?

    I've been in your shoes but I didn't have a job. I went back to stripping and it made me resent my husband a lot. I started going out with friends then my marriage fell apart. If stripping is the only problem that you guys have, then consider yourself fortunate. All of the shoes, bags, and clothes in the world doesn't compare to having a loving home where people genuinely care about u. You know what's in that club. You have to ask yourself, is it really worth it?

    Just go to school if that's what you really want to do.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    ^...happy home? doesn't sound like happy to me... why should she be happy he belittles her and throws shit when he's angry?

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by QueenBitch View Post
    ^...happy home? doesn't sound like happy to me... why should she be happy he belittles her and throws shit when he's angry?
    Exactly! Guess everyone's idea of "happy" means something different.

    I wouldn't be happy if my husband rejected a part of who I was or am, threatened divorce as bargaining chip, and argued over money.

    This is just too ironic though cause she met him in the strip club and he's so against the very thing that brought them together in the first place. Like the fact that he married her and had a baby with her negates the stripper past but her mentioning her desire to go back triggers some unresolved issue within himself.
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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by raquelle_xo View Post
    I'm sorry for the lame "husband doesn't support me dancing" thread.
    We agreed to enter the journey of parenthood together.

    August 2015 - My son was born. Life was going well. Both of us happy as could be. Totally in love with our little boy.
    October 2015 - I expressed my desire to return to dancing and shit went down hill. I had been keeping to myself for weeks by this point... knowing he would be unhappy about this revelation.

    Apparently the only reason why he married me was because I had said I would not go back. It was a huge fight unlike any other we had ever had before. For this first time I saw I totally different side of him. He called me a stupid bitch when I told him to go get his papers. (This was not the first time he used our relationship as leverage in a fight, and I was pissed that he was yet again). He then proceeded to throw our son's swing at the tv... breaking it. Not once in our relationship had he exhibit any violent behaviour or name calling.

    It could be worse I guess...
    She said that they were happy til she told him that she wanted to dance again.

    She just wants to dance because she could go to school, if she really wanted.

    She says that he was okay, never name called, or had any violent behavior.

    It's funny how we can all read the same thing but put our own experiences inside somebody's writings.

    We all know that dancing is very difficult to get out of because it's highly addictive but it never lasts. You need to go out of the business on top, not when the industry has sucked you dry of your beauty and years. Nobody wants to be one of those girls who looks like she has gone past her expiration date. Not too many men would put up with having a dancer significant other. She just needs to make a choice if it's worth it to her...no one else but her can decide if it's the right choice.

    There's a stigma that comes with stripping. It's not fair but it's how our society is. There's a double standard. It also looks bad in court when you strip for a living.

    Like I said, I've lived this story. I could've easily written it myself.

    Are you gals married with children?

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    I don't think that one ever really knows anyone else completely. But after 1 1/2 years, including a year living together, I think she would have seen some sign of a violent streak before now if he was predisposed towards abuse.

    And this was not a boyfriend, but a husband who shares a child and committed to sharing a life with her. I'm not defending his outburst, but I can understand it. They recently got married, had a baby and bought a house together. He assumed, based upon what she previously told him, that her time as a dancer (and all the worries that come with it) was over. When he heard that she wanted to dance again, the world likely fell out from under his feet. His wife and the mother of his baby would be dancing naked for anyone who could pony up the cost of a club entrance fee, which could include anyone in their social circles (which have likely expanded since they have been together and had a child), scumbags looking to do bad things, hot guys with romantic intentions (that's how he met her after all, lol), etc., etc. She would also be leaving him and their baby alone on weekend nights in order to ride off and do this. I'm sure he is also worried about the various other affects that dancing could have on her and their relationship.

    Again, I'm not defending his reaction, but let's look at it in proper context. IMHO it is a stretch to assume that he has suddenly become a batterer after all this time and much more likely that he just lost his shit for all of the reasons above.
    It's nice to see a male poster eloquently explain how men think. Most strippers don't get it but then they wonder why they never get the ring.

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  39. #21
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by GlitterButterfly View Post
    It's nice to see a male poster eloquently explain how men think. Most strippers don't get it but then they wonder why they never get the ring.
    Boooooo!!!!

    A lot of the girls here are married and in relationships. Even if a broad was single it's probably by choice. This isn't a thread to insult women on their marital status. If the ring is more headache and trouble than it's worth then its wise to pass.

    And she said he called her a bitch so perhaps while you are saying people misreading perhaps a re-read is in order for you.

    She also said she had some debt. You missed that part.

    So also said they had many "spats" over dancing even before marriage. And he married her after he found out she was pregnant by him as a sense of duty to their child - despite his reservations of her dancing past.

    Plus rickdugan is ultra conservative on his views (which he's entitled to) of divorce and marriage so of course he's going to say that.

    This is classic Madonna-whore complex where the man is cool dating and sexing a stripper but marrying one?!? Nope. Hence why he's threatened divorce. He took her out the club, changed her into doting housewife, and got her preggers to secure his investment. Now she want to go back to the club and he loses it. He can't stand the thought of potentially losing her to some guy that finds her in the club the same way he found her.
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 11-05-2015 at 08:06 PM.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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  41. #22
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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by raquelle_xo View Post
    I'm sorry for the lame "husband doesn't support me dancing" thread. I'm just at a loss and I need somewhere to get it all out. I don't know how I let myself be put in this position and now I don't know how to get out of it. I think it boils down to being foolish, naive and not listening to my gut.

    For some context... I am 22, husband is 37. We live in Canada and I am currently on maternity leave till July 2016.

    May 2014 - Working full time vanilla job Monday to Friday. Started dancing Friday/Saturday nights and after dumping up my cheating ex. Best decision ever!
    July 2014 - Enjoying my freedom and new found financial independence. Working hard to pay off my debts accumulated while with my ex, with the goal to save up a hefty amount to go to university. Then walked in the man that would become my husband. I knew better not to date customers. But for whatever reason I thought he (we) could be the exception to the rule. It honestly seemed that way at first. I made it clear what my intentions were in terms of dancing... and I let him know from the beginning that I would not quit my job for him. He said he was okay with that as long as I continued to work at my no-contact club. What seemed like bliss ensued. Then our relationship began to move super quickly.
    December 2014 - By this time he practically lived with me. There had been a few spats about my job by this point. I made it clear several times if he didn't like it or couldn't handle it he could leave. I stopped trying to cultivate any regulars as contact with customers outside the club made him uncomfortable. I tried to text with him more often throughout my shift as long periods of silence made him worry... no matter how many times I reassured him that I was just busy making money. Then BAM! I found out I was pregnant. Instantly I thought I was going to have an abortion, it wasn't in my "plan" to have a child, yet. Especially not with a man I had only knew for a few months. For whatever reason I changed my mind. We agreed to enter the journey of parenthood together.
    March 2015 - We bought a house together. By now he asked me if I planned on continue dancing. Being a pregnant whale I told him no, I don't believe so. This is where I made my fatal error. I knew I missed dancing. I miss the cash and I missed performing on stage. I use to dream of the time that I could do it again once more. Ignoring my gut instinct we continued to press on.
    July 2015 - We got married. Again, foolish on my behalf. Being 22 I had this idealistic dream that I would spend the rest of my life with the father of my unborn child. 36 weeks pregnant we got married in front of our families.
    August 2015 - My son was born. Life was going well. Both of us happy as could be. Totally in love with our little boy.
    October 2015 - I expressed my desire to return to dancing and shit went down hill. I had been keeping to myself for weeks by this point... knowing he would be unhappy about this revelation. And low and behold when I told him he threatened to divorce me. Apparently the only reason why he married me was because I had said I would not go back. It was a huge fight unlike any other we had ever had before. For this first time I saw I totally different side of him. He called me a stupid bitch when I told him to go get his papers. (This was not the first time he used our relationship as leverage in a fight, and I was pissed that he was yet again). He then proceeded to throw our son's swing at the tv... breaking it. Not once in our relationship had he exhibit any violent behaviour or name calling.

    As of right now we are at a stand still. I don't speak about my desire to dance again. It's almost like we are pretending the fight never happened. But the scars are there. I had no plan of becoming a wife and a mother at the age of 22. My goal was to get out of debt and go back to school. I didn't want to be trapped at my shitty job making $40,000/yr for the rest of my life. Obviously there has been some major changes to my plan. Not for a second do I regret having my son though. Yes it would have been nice if it was a few years down the line, but that is not what happened. I don't know what to do about my husband though. I told him from the beginning I wouldn't quit my job for him and somehow I ended up in a position that I did. I feel like my dream of going back to school is over. I have no clue how I could possibly finance it without going into terrible debt. Everyday I feel the resentment build, and it eats away at me all day long while I am at home taking care of our son.<br>Our household income of $80,000+ means we are not struggling to put food on the table, but I feel like we are one emergency away from being in that position. Financial stability means a lot to me. If something were to happen to either one of us we would be screwed. I just don't know if financial stability is worth the cost of my family. I don't know what I have done. I'm just scared and I am angry. It eats away at my happiness and consumes me all day long. Just until my husband gets home and I put my game face back on.

    It could be worse I guess...
    Before he married you, he knew who you were and the boundaries you set for yourself..now he expects you to change after marriage and pregnancy? You were honest and upfront with him when you first started dating and although it may of been a while ago, you shouldn't be forced to give up or compromise your feelings for his insecurities (which is what this is..insecurity..it shows while reading it) What is hard not to draw attention to is the fact he called you a stupid bitch..(how does that solve anything?) When it boils down to it, he is afraid of losing you. It also sounds like he has some anger issues to work on, if he feels the need to physically show his dissatisfaction from the responses you give him. (now you have a pissed off husband and a broken tv) He should hear what you have to say, part of being a good parent does not necessarily derive from career labels..money is money and it could help give them a rich/fulfilling life. You still own your body and should have the right to do what you wish with it.

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  43. #23
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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Plus rickdugan is ultra conservative on his views (which he's entitled to) of divorce and marriage so of course he's going to say that.
    I think it is more accurate to say that I tend to have more conservative views when kids are involved. I don't care what two adults do when it just involves them. In fact, if it was just him and her, I'd advise her to take off if the relationship wasn't a good fit for her.

    But I don't think my comments as to how most guys would handle this are exactly on the fringe, lol. To a plain vanilla guy, a wife's decision to take off her clothes in a strip club for other men and to be exposed to everything involved in that type of environment is a Big Fucking Deal. So yeah he lost his mind. Go figure. I don't think it's very controversial to say that a lot of guys would struggle with it.

    But I don't think the blame lies solely with her by a long shot. I agree that he was unrealistic in his expectations. We are talking about a 37 year old guy who thought it was a good idea to impregnate and marry a 22 year old girl who worked in a strip club, clearly enjoyed the lifestyle and was in a different place in her life than he was. He was being very foolish and naive to believe that a girl that young, living the lifestyle that she did, was going to make an easy and instant transition to a plain vanilla married with children domestic life.

    The whole situation is just sad, especially now that there is a baby involved.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Lol some of these comments are so backwards I don't get it. Not all strippers choose to dance so they can buy 'nice purses' and other material things. It is a flexible and well paying job that allows for us to do other things in our lives (other than shopping). Also, it's one thing for any 'vanilla guy' who's never been to a club to meet a non stripper and marry her and THEN freak out because his wife all of a sudden wants to be a stripper (still shouldn't call her a stupid bitch and smash a tv though). Why is it okay for someone to judge a woman for working there even though he is or has been one of the customers? Rick you've made this argument in another thread about some violence being okay and not that serious. You also keep commenting how a husband has a right to not want his wife to be in the strip club, yet the husband is allowed to be there? I also think it is funny if you do think that way when you are a dedicated member on a stripper website and I've read that you are married but are a regular at clubs. This whole argument is just backwards & hypocritical to me. I just don't think anyone has a right to judge a woman who chooses to dance when they themselves are one of the very customers who's paying her. Whether she's married with kids or not (if anything more power to her because it costs a lot of money to raise a child and stripping is a means to support that). And I still think her husband's reaction was out of line.

    I don't like arguing but I've just read these types of comments a few times now and had to comment on it lol.

    P.S. I don't think anyone who 'truly cares for you' will call you a stupid bitch. It does sound like he wants to control her.

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    Default Re: VENT! WTF! What have I done?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    His wife and the mother of his baby would be dancing naked for anyone who could pony up the cost of a club entrance fee, which could include anyone in their social circles (which have likely expanded since they have been together and had a child), scumbags looking to do bad things, hot guys with romantic intentions (that's how he met her after all, lol), etc., etc. She would also be leaving him and their baby alone on weekend nights in order to ride off and do this. I'm sure he is also worried about the various other affects that dancing could have on her and their relationship.
    This part is just really hypocritical to me lol. I could see if someone who's never been to a strip club would think like this.. But how can this be your view on strip clubs when you are (or have been) one of those customers who's supporting it all? God forbid she show her body for money but sure the guy can go support other women doing the same thing no questions asked. Lol I don't get it.

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