Hey guys, so I kinda need to vent and express how I am feeling to people who understand this industry and the frustrations of depression. I feel pretty overwhelmed by the thought of paying quarterly taxes (I hate owing money and have no clue about taxes) wanting to be extremely disciplined in working, having the motivation to pull out of deep depression, being able to support and contribute without feeling as if my weeks are slipping by without effort. Sometimes I wake up and don't know what to do, I will sit and debate with myself and run around in circles before half the day is over and nothing is done. I become so frustrated with myself and sometimes pretty angry that I don't do more. I often wonder if this is the result of deep depression? I find sleep more comforting than being awake and thinking about how much I've slept over the years can be daunting. When I wake up I first have this thought, "What does it matter? I don't want to move or have to deal with being awake, I'll just set my alarm for the afternoon." Was able to get up this morning and have a determination to get well through exercise and a strict diet but, I fear falling back into a relapse. Airing my garbage online is the last thing I want to do, but at times I feel very lost. I was very abused verbally by my parent and notice I do a repeat ritual of self degrading myself out of habit. I have been able to cut constantly apologizing however, this is by far the biggest hurdle to face alone regardless of my bf being beside me. (Its different when the person closest to you hasn't experienced any level of abuse, which can sometimes bug him when I show fear and cower over nothing. I will drive him insane by asking if he is okay, because that was the only way I could tell if I was going to be screamed at/abused.) I hate this, more than anything I have had to deal with and finding others who have gone through similar struggles can be difficult. I would like to be consistent, live as an adult and not have to battle with myself anymore. I just needed to say something..holding things in eventually explodes somewhere..Can anyone relate or give any advice that could help in this process? I figured Stripperweb would be the best place to post this, since hiding is pretty much out the window..
A little bird told me my mother is very sick, but I can't help feeling empty about it. Having my own shit to deal with after forcefully removing myself from the chaos, wasn't much of a decision. I wanted more for myself and to live out my dreams, but I feel like things were taken. With her being sick, I am pretty much standing still yet again..




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