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Thread: Holiday frustrations..need advice

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    Default Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Okay this isn't a huge deal but I really want some outside opinions on this. I was going to post in Petty Annoyances but I thought that would be a threadjack since I really want some responses.

    So my dad LOVES Christmas.. like he is definitely a little kid about it. I love Christmas too but I have a lot going on right now and it's really not a priority to me. I'm also the only kid in my family who has moved away.. so he bought my plane ticket home already before confirming with me. It's nice and all but I'm really on a budget right now since I just moved out here a month or so ago, had to buy all new furniture, and then had to miss work since I was just home for like a week around Thanksgiving. He only bought a one way ticket so I have to buy my ticket home (which is going to be expensive since it'll be right around Christmas day). I also have my dog out here who is slowly adjusting to such a big move and gets freaked out really easily. I can barely take her on a walk around my neighborhood without her shaking and dragging me back to my apartment.

    He wants me to just fly her out there which I literally refuse to do because she gets so scared so easily that I know she'll be on the verge of a heart attack if she were on a plane (plus I looked it up and they only allow 6 at a time on the plane so it may not even be possible). I don't want to leave her in a kennel for the same reasons.. there are dog babysitting services I would consider but the whole point is that I don't have all the extra money to be paying for all of this plus taking even more work off. My mom understands and said it's a lot to ask of me since I just barely moved out here. Oh and the ticket he got is for the 21st and I texted him back saying I'll probably fly home before christmas then & we can pretend Xmas is on the 22nd or something(because if I'm paying for dog sitting I want to pay for as little days as possible) and he says "no that'll ruin christmas".

    I feel bad because this holiday is so important to him but honestly I am 23, just moved to a new state by myself, I'm working to pay my bills and save as much as I can.. I just do not want to stop everything and waste all this money so that I can make my dad happy. I don't really know what to say to him but Im thinking I should just be blunt and say no and offer to refund him the money for the ticket he bought. I mean we could mail presents to each other and FaceTime on Christmas morning if it's so important to him but I know he's going to make me feel so guilty and act like I'm ruining this whole holiday season for him. I just feel really bad and don't know what I should do lol.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    I'm in the same boat.

    I'm like FaceTime should be a good substitute but you know how the older generation is. It's like they want to see your physical body lol! I wish we had hologram technology for everyday use like how you see in music concerts and theater.
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 12-02-2015 at 08:54 PM.
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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    I would just say no. Him being upset about your very practical concerns is immature and inconsiderate. I wouldn't feel bad about disappointing someone who was being so inconsiderate to me.

    ETA He's way too old to be 'having his Christmas ruined' anyway.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Well at least I'm not the only one dealing with this lol I mean to me skipping Xmas isn't a huge deal but it really is for him. Yeah I don't think he'll be happy with the FaceTime idea at all.

    And thanks Genoveve that's what I was thinking too. It really is immature & inconsiderate. I just hate when he makes me feel guilty I feel SO bad even when I probably shouldn't. Oh and that's what I was telling my sister. He is literally a big baby when it comes to the holidays even though he has had enough Christmas's to miss one kid one year.

    Edit: Oh and another thing.. to make things worse he was saying the whole time I was home for Thanksgiving that this christmas is going to be "a big one this year" and says it all happy and excited. So yeah that definitely makes me feel more guilty lol even though he's too old to be acting like that.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    I'd tell him what you told all of us: 'look, I appreciate that you bought me a ticket to get there and I'd love to spend time with you guys for the holidays, but with the move and the time I had to take off for Thanksgiving I literally cannot afford to pay for my own return ticket, dog boarding fees, and bills if I come out for Christmas. Like, I cannot do it. So unless I stumble upon [insert amount of money you'd need for those three expenses here] dollars before the 21st, I can't come. I'm sorry.'

    Because, um, who the hell does he think he is forcing you into a trip you can't really even afford to make? It's one thing if he were paying for everything, but in buying you a one-way ticket without your permission he's put you in the shitty position of feeling guilty for wasted money if you don't magically find the cash to fly yourself home afterwards + take care of your dog + still pay all your other regular bills. To the best of my knowledge (and hope), it's not like it's anyone's last chance for a Christmas together before someone kicks it or something, so there's not even a sad sentimentality to it. Tell him you'll come out to visit as soon as you can afford the costs and time office, but until then your hands are tied.

    And if you really have to, there is nothing wrong with the low blow hit of 'dad, my rent will be late if I have to drop the extra cash on this' or whatever other major life necessity bill you need paid that'll force him to see he's being inconsiderate.


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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Can the ticket be refunded or at least the date changed to something more convenient for you?
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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Sticking you with the bill for the return ticket without even consulting with you is pretty damn rude, you'd think if he wanted you there so much he'd pay for the whole thing. It seems more like a way to guilt you into going than anything.
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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    "thanks Dad, but cannot afford the return trip, nor take the time off from work, will miss you on the holidays, but maybe we can catch up when travel is a bit more convenient"

    Sorry, one way ticket is manipulative in the extreme.

    Yes, family is important, but holidays are what they are.

    Don't live your parents version of your life. Live your own.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Can the ticket be refunded or at least the date changed to something more convenient for you?
    Yeah that's what he's offering to do and he offered to help pay for the dog sitting thing so I may end up doing that. I hate feeling guilty but I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do yet.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    I'm in the same boat, sans plane ticket. My family is dragging me down to Washington for 5 days on the 23. I tried to get out of it by stating that xmas is a very busy and lucrative time for my bar (they know I bartend, not dance) and winter is slow and I really need to buff up my savings account and work all I can and it is not an ideal time to be travelling for me. My dad also loves christmas and guilted me in by talking about how my grandparents will be there and how old they are getting and that I need to "reconnect" with my family. I mean he has a point, but I just REALLY hate being forced to take time off during the most lucrative months. To be locked away in the middle of nowhere with my family that I don't get along with exceptionally well. My dad has offered to "make up" for my lost cash--an offer I refused because I would feel bad taking his money. But in your case I would just throw all the cards on the table and suggest that if he really wants you home for christmas he's going to have to cover your whole ticket because you can't afford it on your own. I think that's probably the best solution for everyone as you don't deserve the additional stress of extra expenses and it was his idea in the first place.
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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    i would really just explain to him that you cannot afford it. a father will ( or should) understand, and put his daughter's financial considerations and quality of life above a holiday. i think its awesome your dad still loves xmas, but i'm sure he loves you more and should not make you feel guilty. so unless he's paying for you to travel back home, and helping offset the costs of traveling ( or taking care of them completely himself) i'd just be honest. tell them you are going to really miss them and wish you could go, but that right now just isn't a good time and there are enough stressors in your life. as a parent, the last thing id want is for my kid to be stressed, i'd miss them but i'd get it.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Are your parents married? Can your mom talk some sense into him?

    When I have problems with my mom and she just can't or won't listen to me, I call my brother to mediate. It works, she listens to him, but it is something I can only use when I am bringing out the big guns on something really important (like something like this), I can't do it very often.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Ugh! What is it about holidays that brings out the worst family drama? His behavior is so unfair. I'm sorry you have to deal with this! He may just be struggling with the idea that you've really and truly moved out on your own to someplace far away, especially since you said your other siblings still live in your home state. But that's his problem, not yours.

    I agree with everyone else who said that if he wants you to come home for the holidays, he should be paying for 100% of the expenses, or at least picking up the slack for whatever you can't reasonably afford. Otherwise, stay home and try not to let him make you feel bad.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Yeah kaninchen that's why I feel extra guilty because he was the one person in my family who really didn't want me to move away so I know he's upset about that. I just ended up giving in and I'm flying home next week now. He paid for the flight home and half the cost of the pet sitting service so I felt like that was enough. I guess he thought my mom was helping with the flight back but she's helped me so much already I wasn't going to ask her. He sent me a check and wrote "Merry Christmas!!" on the envelope lol. I mean I guess I won't be flying home again for a while once Xmas is over so I just decided to suck it up.

    This is the first year I am really looking forward to the holidays being over though!

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    I empathize with the OP's and everyone else's sentiments expressed in this thread. However, next time you feel this way again (since it appears the OP's concerns are resolved), ask yourself if you would feel the same way knowing that it would be the last Christmas or holiday season that you get to spend with your Dad (or parent). Next, ask yourself how you think you would feel if you missed an opportunity to spend the holidays with your Dad (or parent) and was informed afterward that your Dad (or parent) passed away unexpectedly. My point is that life is short and one never knows when a loved one will be taken away from you. Try and enjoy the holiday season with your Dad, parents, family, or loved ones despite any personal inconveniences if only to save yourself from any potential regrets and additional personal grief down the road.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    ^^^You can use that extremely pessimistic argument for anything. Why diet? Why pass on the cupcakes? You could be hit by a car tomorrow, you ought to enjoy indulge in them now just in case.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Genoveve View Post
    ^^^You can use that extremely pessimistic argument for anything. Why diet? Why pass on the cupcakes? You could be hit by a car tomorrow, you ought to enjoy indulge in them now just in case.
    Genoveve, don't you think it is a bit trite to compare a parent or loved one with a diet or cupcakes? As long as you are alive, you will always be able to start that diet tomorrow or quit indulging in cupcakes tomorrow. Once someone is gone, there is no tomorrow.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Danny Ocean View Post
    Genoveve, don't you think it is a bit trite to compare a parent or loved one with a diet or cupcakes? As long as you are alive, you will always be able to start that diet tomorrow or quit indulging in cupcakes tomorrow. Once someone is gone, there is no tomorrow.
    No Danny, she makes a great point. You can use the "but [he/I] could die tomorrow so I [need to/should/can] do xyz today" argument for virtually anything. But as a practical matter, living that way is much more likely to be harmful than good.

    In this instance, IMHO making herself destitute in order to make her father feel better about Christmas falls into the "more harmful than good" category, especially when she has every reason to believe that she will see him again in the near future.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    I guess I should move back in with my parents so I won't miss any more opportunities while they're still live and kicking.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Well I chose to fly home because I won't make myself destitute by being there for 3 days lol if it was that serious I would stay here. But I agree that way of looking at things is a little extreme. I'll draw the line at the less important holidays (to my family) & birthdays.

    Merry Xmas everyone!

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Why would he buy a one way? So odd.
    Good luck. Similar boat except it was partners mom who wanted to fly us out. I can't afford to be away from my business Dec 15-30. I had to say no.

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    Default Re: Holiday frustrations..need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by 22lligm View Post
    Well I chose to fly home because I won't make myself destitute by being there for 3 days lol if it was that serious I would stay here. But I agree that way of looking at things is a little extreme. I'll draw the line at the less important holidays (to my family) & birthdays.

    Merry Xmas everyone!
    Lol! I don't believe I ever suggested anything about anyone moving back in with their parent. A very humorous misdirection, though.

    I can only speak with first hand experience after seeing a long time dancer friend who wasn't very close to her father for the 15 plus years that I have known her. Only after losing him over a year ago did she belatedly realize how much she would miss him along with all his imperfections. I could also speak from personal experience, but I think I have made my point.

    The OP mentioned that Christmas appears to be one of the most important days of the year for DD (Dear Dad). Personally, I think Christmas has become too commercialized while the majority of folks have lost sight of the true meaning of the holiday (IMHO). However, Christmas appears to more important than the other 364 days of the year for DD for whatever reason. In such instance, spending Christmas with DD (and hopefully for many years to come) will be appreciated by DD, but also more meaningful for the OP than any temporary financial inconvenience.

    Hopefully everyone enjoyed a nice Christmas and will have fun (but safe time) welcoming the New Year tonight.

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