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Thread: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

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    Default Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    I know there are a ton of threads like this, and I did try to look through a lot of them, but I just want some specific advice. Sorry that this is like a small novel.

    The thing about threads like this is that I never know where to start. I'm eighteen (turn nineteen in May) and I really want to strip. I think I would be good at it, I think I would enjoy it. It wouldn't be a career move, but while I'm in college, it would help me put a lot into savings so I could buy my own car, get a head start on paying of my student loan debts, maybe even get an apartment in the next couple of years? Who knows. My other option is to work at a restaurant where, on the best nights, I will make $100-120 in one night. On the worst shifts, I have walked away with $40. On average, I'll make about $60. I've been reading SW left and right to better understand the industry and what it takes to succeed. On top of that, I think I've found a club I want to work at.

    Now for the boyfriend. He and I have been involved with one another for about a year now, exclusively seeing one another for about 6 months, and I met his parents/he met mine about 3 months ago. I really do love him. I told him that I want to strip, but that I want him to be comfortable with it, and for us to make that decision together. He's 21 and has been to strip clubs since he was 18, so I think he has a decent idea what goes on in them. Before all of this, I actually wanted him to go with me to the club I think I like best so that we could check it out together before my audition.

    The first time I tried to talk to him about it, he got nervous and started shutting down, so I decided to wait. We tried again yesterday just after we had a fight (I want him to be more open with me, he said fine, let's be open, let's talk about you stripping), which I know was a mistake. The conversation did not go well.

    He asked me why I wanted to do it, and if there was nothing else I thought I could do to make money. I told him that it was the difference between a $120 night being the best night I could possibly have at the restaurant and making anywhere from $150 to $300 on the slowest shifts at the club, a huge difference that would allow me to put a lot of money into my savings account a lot quicker. His response was "well, you don't know you'll make that much, you might not be good at it. You definitely won't starting out."

    He asked me how I knew I would get hired, or how I knew I would like it. I told him I didn't really know either of those things, but it was something I had put a lot of thought into, and I had been considering the pros and cons and things I might not like about it for over a month now, so I at least wanted to try.

    He told me a few things, that he was "worried about my reputation, what if people found out? I didn't need that label." (Every time I tried to ask him 'what label?' he was like '.... I don't know.' I knew what he meant but I wanted to hear him say it.) He told me he "knows that there are a lot of drugs in that life and that I didn't need to get involved with it." He said that he doesn't think I
    would like it, and that it doesn't seem like something I need to be doing. He said that he doesn't think the money would be worth it. I asked him worth what, and once again he said he didn't know.

    He never mentioned anything about him being jealous, or not wanting men to see me topless, or what have you. At one point he asked me "Do you not have any values, babe?" I started sobbing, he immediately apologized and said he didn't mean that. I believe him. He got really stressed out by the conversation and said something that just popped into his mind. Everybody does that in arguments. I wasn't worried about it. He also asked me if I was "really that desperate for cash." I didn't know what to say.

    At the end of it, I told him that if he thought it wasn't right for me to work in a strip club, and he didn't want me to do it, I didn't want him going to a strip club as a patron anymore. He was baffled by this. I told him it was unfair that he would support other girls (because, in my mind, that is exactly what he is doing by spending money on them), but stop me from doing the same thing they were doing. He said that it was just because he knows me, but he doesn't know the other girls. To me, that seems like "I have a claim to your body, but not theirs." This wouldn't bother me if he was just saying "I want to be the only one that sees you." It does bother me if he is going to say "I want to be the only one that sees you," but then go pay money to see other women. I hope this makes sense. I tried to tell him this, and he didn't get it. At all.

    In the end, we didn't reach a resolution. He started passive-aggressively telling me to "do whatever I wanted," and I don't consider what we had to be a real discussion. After he said everything he had to say, he refused to say anything anymore. He wouldn't ask questions, wouldn't discuss any of those points with me. If I tried to tell him my piece on something he had said, and then ask him how he felt about that/what he thought, he would just say "I already told you my thoughts."

    We're going to have another conversation now that we've both cooled down from the fight. I'm hoping he will actually talk to me this time. I'm hoping some of y'all can give me advice on how to address some of his issues with me dancing, or really anything that I can say to him that will ease his mind?

    And, once again, I love him a lot, and I don't absolutely need to strip at this point (I have no immediate bills that require the cash), so I would really like to actually reach a decision with him. I don't want to break up with him, because stripping isn't more important to me than he is; what I would like is for him to understand why I want to do it and to actually talk out all of his concerns with me so that we can both decide what I am going to do. So please refrain from 'just dump him' suggestions if at all possible!! Thanks so much.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Honestly..the most concerning thing about this is his attitude of "I don't want you stripping but I still want to enjoy the strip club." Everything else is just typical male bravado, even my bf went through that phase temporarily, including the "do what you want" passive aggressiveness. I'd suggest sitting down and having another talk, after both of you have had time to really calm down and cool off, and maybe explore other branches of adult work? Since you say you don't have any immediate, pressing bills right this second maybe try camming or phone sex? Or, hell, even freelancing a bit since there's no emergencies.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by absolutelyadorable View Post
    Honestly..the most concerning thing about this is his attitude of "I don't want you stripping but I still want to enjoy the strip club." Everything else is just typical male bravado, even my bf went through that phase temporarily, including the "do what you want" passive aggressiveness. I'd suggest sitting down and having another talk, after both of you have had time to really calm down and cool off, and maybe explore other branches of adult work? Since you say you don't have any immediate, pressing bills right this second maybe try camming or phone sex? Or, hell, even freelancing a bit since there's no emergencies.
    Do you have any advice on how I can show him why I think that this is inappropriate?

    I've thought about camming, but I'm not really comfortable masturbating in front of people. The club I'm looking at currently is pretty low-contact and topless, not full nude. I know it's possible to make money from niche camming, but that takes a lot of effort and time, and I currently live in a dorm with a roommate, so I don't have the kind of privacy it requires. Phone sex pushes a similar boundary. I know stripping is a sex act, but I don't have to actually engage sexually with the customer. I dance, maybe talk a little dirty, ask what he's into, but the customer never hears/sees me getting off (or pretending to).

    I've thought about suggesting I just waitress at a strip club, but if he's okay with that, it means his problem isn't really the strip club environment, it's that I would be getting naked for/giving lap dances to strangers. If that's why he doesn't want me to do it, then I really don't want him to go to strip clubs, because it seems even more hypocritical to me.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    You don't always have to masturbate in front of people..but if he is having a problem with you stripping and thinks it is completely okay for him to head off to the strip club, whats to say he won't have a problem with camming? I don't see stripping as an sex act either, because your not having sex with someone..your dancing and removing your clothes, taking people VIP, sellings drinks, lap dances in exchange for money. These guys cannot lay a finger on these woman and if they do, its a heel to the crotch or the bouncer threatens to throw them out..unless it is a shitty club. (Its a job) No offense and please do not take this the wrong way but, your bf sounds like he has a leash around your neck of what you can and cannot do.

    Sex act: any sexual act.
    Sexual practice (activities associated with sexual intercourse)
    Last edited by BambiCutie; 12-15-2015 at 11:15 AM.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by BambiCutie View Post
    You don't always have to masturbate in front of people..
    I know you don't always have to, but I was under the impression that building a solid clientele from camming without masturbation/direct sexual activity takes a lot of time and effort, which is basically impossible for me since I live in a room with someone else. I don't have the privacy.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Sometimes it doesn't take much time to build clientele and there is no way to honestly tell if it will blow up to successful or not, but its a chance you have to make in order to bring income. I know plenty of woman on here that do not masturbate that are top models on MFC, they don't have to remove much of anything! Hell, some girl got a 7000 tip just for being cute..

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Unfortunately, you can only lead the horse to water, you can't make him drink. Express to him (calmly) how you feel that that is hypocritical, why that bothers you, etc. and if he understands, great! If not, then that's HIS issue, not yours and you'll both have to work that one out together.

    Also, his whole idea of the strip club being a drug den and his whole thing about labels/reputation sent up a red flag for me too. Even though I can kinda sorta get why he wouldn't want you to strip, his hyprocrisy is not ok and it'll almost definitely crop up in other areas of your relationship later on. Waitressing might be your best bet to keep the peace, but he needs to work on his personal issues if you two are in this for the long haul.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by BambiCutie View Post
    Sometimes it doesn't take much time to build clientele and there is no way to honestly tell if it will blow up to successful or not, but its a chance you have to make in order to bring income. I know plenty of woman on here that do not masturbate that are top models on MFC, they don't have to remove much of anything! Hell, some girl got a 7000 tip just for being cute..
    Well thank you for correcting me! I'm always glad to be informed and educated on this kind of thing. For the time being, though, I'm not particularly interested in camming. My main concern is how to have a productive conversation with my boyfriend about stripping.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    IMO stripping is not the real issue here. The problem is his madonna/whore complex.

    But, yes, communication is key because you really seem to want to make the effort. Talk to him calmly and without getting upset and whatnot. Works wonders.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Are you married?
    Is he paying your bills?
    Has he offered to buy you a car, pay for your apartment or help pay your loans?

    This may sound harsh here's the truth: I know you love him...but the reality is you are 18. He's 21. It's statistically very unlikely that you will even be together 5 or 10 years from now. Don't make decisions about your future that revolve around a guy you've only been seeing for 6 months. I did this when I was younger too, and missed out on some opportunities because of boyfriends....guys I don't even know or talk to anymore. At this age, without any kind of commitment from him you really need to think about yourself and put yourself first. Think about yourself 5 years from now and how your life will look if you choose to strip (or choose not to.)

    Anyway, like he said, who knows if you'll even like it? Maybe it's not the right choice for you but you may as well try. You don't need his permission. I don't think talking will do anything to change his mind or make him see your point of view. He's 21 and still immature himself. Once you start he'll either get over it or he won't.


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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    It's statistically very unlikely that you will even be together 5 or 10 years from now.
    I don't think it's harsh, I definitely understand what you're saying. I have thought about it myself. My only thing is, if we aren't going to last 5 years, when we break up I would still have plenty of time to strip to pay off debts and save up for a house or whatever, because I would still be pretty young.

    I was talking to one of my good friends today and she said she has started to realize that you should never let anyone stand in the way of what you want to do (she's currently doing everything she never did before because she didn't think her boyfriend would like it, she's really happy and her boyfriend is adjusting). It's just a lot for me to think about all at once. I didn't expect him to be so against it, because he had always seemed supportive/like he didn't have issues with it when I would mention it before we had this conversation. So now a lot of things have changed in the span of one day and I'm trying to figure out what to do, and how important stripping is to me, and how important he is to me, and how all of those things stack up, you know?

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by hini View Post
    I don't think it's harsh, I definitely understand what you're saying. I have thought about it myself. My only thing is, if we aren't going to last 5 years, when we break up I would still have plenty of time to strip to pay off debts and save up for a house or whatever, because I would still be pretty young.

    I was talking to one of my good friends today and she said she has started to realize that you should never let anyone stand in the way of what you want to do (she's currently doing everything she never did before because she didn't think her boyfriend would like it, she's really happy and her boyfriend is adjusting). It's just a lot for me to think about all at once. I didn't expect him to be so against it, because he had always seemed supportive/like he didn't have issues with it when I would mention it before we had this conversation. So now a lot of things have changed in the span of one day and I'm trying to figure out what to do, and how important stripping is to me, and how important he is to me, and how all of those things stack up, you know?
    Well if it helps...I went back to stripping after getting married and at first my husband was VERY against it, but I had to think about our son as well, not just him. He got over it and even came to appreciate the money I was bringing in/that I got out of the house and had some social time/could afford to buy things I wanted etc. The only thing is that I couldn't talk about customers or details with him because it made him jealous. So if your boyfriend loves you and trusts you, I don't see why he couldn't accept it in time (depending on his maturity level) as long as it makes you happy. It's definitely a solid "relationship test."

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Thanks so much. I really appreciate the insight. More food for thought.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    If he knows you better, he should know you're not going to fall into drug use. So sick of this stereotype. A lot of dancers never done drugs, or even drink at work. Is that his "concern"/ excuse?

    He won't enjoy strip clubs any more, bc his gf is working in one (his fav club, maybe?).

    He or anyone else is not providing anything for you, and you have goals to reach. Tell him it is a priority of yours and if he cared about you, he'd cared enough to let you better yourself.

    At 18, this is the time to do it NOW while you're young and fresh....and before this business gets any more shittier. Good luck.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    You seem very mature and level headed for an 18-year old, which makes me think you have the potential to do well in the strip club industry. There are a lot of factors that go into it of course, but you strike me as someone that would stay out of trouble at the very least. Stripping really is a great choice for a college student because you can choose your own schedule, it's much easier to balance with your classwork than a regular job. Restaurant work means long hours! I'm a student too and on nights I work I can do assignments and study during the day.

    As for your boyfriend, I gotta be honest that it won't work out between you two if you do decide to join the Dark Side. And it will probably be an unpleasant, dramatic breakup unless you either a) stay with him and forget about stripping until after you guys break up for whatever other reason; or b) make a clean break with him now and go hit the clubs after the breakup. Another point to consider, if you decide to go for it, there is a good chance he will run around town telling everyone behind your back--he sounds fairly immature still.

    Do you live at home still? If so it actually might be better to go with a restaurant job at least for a few months until you can save up for your own apartment. Both to avoid drama with the boyfriend and because it generally is a bad idea to strip while living with your parents.

    I had a bf that didn't want me to strip when I was younger, in hindsight I wish I would've broken up with him sooner. We were horribly incompatible in so many other ways and stripping has helped me progress my life far more than that relationship ever could have.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by Vyanka View Post
    He or anyone else is not providing anything for you, and you have goals to reach. Tell him it is a priority of yours and if he cared about you, he'd cared enough to let you better yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by lurkingtitties View Post
    I had a bf that didn't want me to strip when I was younger, in hindsight I wish I would've broken up with him sooner. We were horribly incompatible in so many other ways and stripping has helped me progress my life far more than that relationship ever could have.
    I think you two ladies may have given me the best possible angle for our conversation. When I started to respond to you, LT, the first thing I said was that I think we are incredibly compatible. We've worked hard on openness and honesty, and we support one another working towards our goals. I think I just have to try to get him to understand my perspective: that this is the most efficient way to accomplish my goals.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    I've seen other threads where both parties deserve to be smacked upside the head. In your case you seem calm and level headed. You deserve more than a sanctimonious little prick with a complex. Ditch him for more mature men like Benjamin and Ulysses. They'll never let you down.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Doll, you live in a dorm. Someone is going to find out and tell everyone. Can you deal with that kind of ridicule?
    Forget the boyfriend for now, you're in college and word spreads like wild fire.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Thanks, Tempest. I appreciate the vote of confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by arielbriel View Post
    Doll, you live in a dorm. Someone is going to find out and tell everyone. Can you deal with that kind of ridicule?
    Forget the boyfriend for now, you're in college and word spreads like wild fire.
    So here's the thing. My boyfriend goes to a different college, about an hour away from mine. He has an apartment there. To spend time with one another, I stay with him on the weekends. I would be stripping out of this city, because he already works late nights over the weekend at a restaurant.

    EDIT: but clearly not if he isn't alright with it and supportive of it.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    I'm sorry but your boyfriend seems like such a childish hypocrite.

    As for your conversation I don't have much advice but out of curiosity I would ask him why he goes to strip clubs and spends money on strippers when apparently he looks down on them? Is he with his money supporting an industry and an occupation he does not approve of, if so how does he justify that? Practice what you preach etc....

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by Likethis View Post
    I'm sorry but your boyfriend seems like such a childish hypocrite.

    As for your conversation I don't have much advice but out of curiosity I would ask him why he goes to strip clubs and spends money on strippers when apparently he looks down on them? Is he with his money supporting an industry and an occupation he does not approve of, if so how does he justify that? Practice what you preach etc....
    Idk. So far, it seems like he doesn't disapprove of strippers, just of me stripping. So hopefully I can either get him to admit that, or to change his mind. I want us to be able to work together on this, but he is having a hard time talking about it... one of my friends (lol 'friends'.... a stripper I have a tiny tumblr crush on tbh) suggested we go together to the strip club I want to work at, so he could get an idea of the level of contact, what an average night looks like, etc.

    As a side note, I made the mistake of asking reddit if it was fair for me to request he stop patronizing strip clubs if he doesn't want me working at one. People got angry. General opinion says that him not wanting me to be exposed to the environment of working in a strip club is a whole different animal, when compared to him wanting to spend money at strip clubs. Apples and oranges. Now I'm confused and don't know how to feel.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    i don't for once second believe he "doesn't get it". he does, and has nothing to say, because he's being a MAJOR hypocrite with a big madonna/whore complex. so its ok for him to actually PAY money to see another woman's naked body or experience her body rubbing on him during a dance, but its not ok for you to go in there for no other reason than to MAKE money to pay your bills and get ahead in life? yeah, ok. its actually disturbing that he finds nothing wrong with his views and doesn't even see this blatant hypocrisy. its creepy and misogynistic. its actually much more fair for you to work there, and request he not go in there because your motivations for entering the strip club are FAR different. his is motivated by wanting to see those "nasty dirty drug addicted whores" get naked for his money, because that's perfectly ok for him to help keep an industry alive that he looks down on, but the minute a woman in his life wants to enter the club then he gets all puritanical and prissy?? double standards are strong with this one
    go check out "what i would have done differently" or "regrets" threads on here. aside from "i wish i had saved money" the second biggest one is "i wish i had started earlier" closely followed by "i wish i hadn't let a man get in my way". and as far as "exposing you to the environment" ha, bullshit! you are a grown woman, you are not a child, and should be able to make your own decisions.


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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    Yeah honestly, your boyfriend is being a ridiculous hypocrite. Not to mention, he's only 21, wtf is he doing going to strip clubs with frequency?

    You really do seem smart and like you are thinking ahead, which is great. Very sweet of you to consider your boyfriend with this, but you are thinking logically about your future. He should trust you and support you. Please don't think if you break up young you'll still have time to earn money. It is never too early to be fiscally responsible and borrowing for tuition and living expenses in college is absolutely not the same as paying it back early. Not to mention dancing without a flexible schedule (if you get a day job) is really draining.
    "There are different kinds of darkness. There is darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful. There is the darkness of lovers, and the darkness of assassins. It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be, needs it to be. It is not wholly bad or good."
    - The Court of Mist and Fury

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    So you're going to be staying at his house to strip essentially? I don't think I need to tell you that that is not going to work.

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    Default Re: Another 'what to say to my boyfriend' thread...

    If I were you I would just go ahead and do it if you really want. He told you to "just do whatever you want" after all. Perhaps once you've been doing it awhile he will see you're still the same person and it's not as bad as he thinks and come around.

    However you have to weigh out what is most important to you. The money or your boyfriend (who you may not even end up with in the long term). And also take into consideration the social aspect, as someone already mentioned all it takes is one person in your school to find out and it could spread like wildfire. I never thought anyone would see me strip bc I worked in clubs at least 45 minutes away from my school and was a very shy low profile person with few connections, but even so I've been recognized by a few people from my school in the past year. Luckily I started after I graduated but if I was still there now that could've been a huge issue. If you're looking to make lifelong friends, have a clean image throughout college and marry this guy I'd say don't do it. However if you're looking for guaranteed savings and financial security and are mentally strong enough to be ok if worse case scenario he leaves you and people at your school find out I'd say go for it. Personally if i were you I would just go for it and tell him i'm doing it and he can either accept it or he can't.

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