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Thread: meeting new people?

  1. #1
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
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    Default meeting new people?

    I moved to London from LA almost 2 years ago now and since I've gotten here I've found a great boyfriend and a great job... but I really haven't managed to make many friends of my own in this time. I have a couple friends I met dancing that I see pretty infrequently and I've become good friends with some of my boyfriend's friends/friend's girlfriends, but with the new year I feel like I really need to focus on making my own social network. Having my boyfriend, being so busy at work since I got here has sort of allowed me to avoid really making an effort to meet people, which is really not one of my strengths anyway.

    I'm not a very outgoing person; I get anxious around people I don't know and and can get pretty shy. Going to a bar by myself and not knowing anyone, I can't think of a more uncomfortable situation for me. How I made so much money as a sex worker for so long with my natural personality I don't know. All of the friends that I had before I moved here were people I met at university or high school-- I lived in the same city my whole life before moving here so most of my friends at home I've known for a long time. I work in a really small office and am definitely friendly with the girls I work with, but I want to make some friends that are not work friends since that comes with a whole set of problems, and there's not a ton of people there to meet and hang out with. If I had come here for university or ended up working at a big office or lived with a bunch of people my age (I had flatmates when I first moved here but really didn't get on with them and was working so much I was barely ever home) it would probably be a lot easier. London particularly I feel is not the friendliest place--all of my boyfriend's friends are from university or high school, he even rarely goes out with new people, and being such big city it's not like you're always running into the same people or everyone hangs out at the same bar. So I feel like I don't even know how to go about meeting new people? Has anyone else moved to a big city where they basically knew no one and managed to find a good set of friends?

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    God/dess shanna dior's Avatar
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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    Most of the friends I've made in recent years have been online. I don't have a set of friends that's a group who all hangs out together so much as a few different friends who I hang out with individually (though over time some have gotten to know each other) -- I'm also not really into huge groups of people though, so this works well for me.

    Two of my really good friends I actually met on here because they were dancing in the same city. I then met a second good friend through one of those girls, so you could also try and use your current friends to meet their friends and potentially strike up a friendship.

    When I lived in Edinburgh, I met a trivia group through Gumtree and still keep in touch with a few of those folks. Trivia is a great avenue to meet people because the focus is on the trivia, not each other, so there's less pressure to interact. A lot of trivia leagues will have tables for people who show up solo or are have at least one group that's happy to adopt new members, so if that at all interests you, you could call around to some nearby pubs that hold trivia nights and ask how friendly they are to solo newcomers.

    I made one really good friend at a ladies-only reddit meet up. Lots of cities will host reddit meet ups and not everyone that shows up to those is extroverted or comfortable in social situations, so that helps ease the pressure. I'm sure reddit.com/r/london hosts events sometimes if that interests you.

    I've tried meetup.com in the past but didn't really click with anyone I met, but since everyone was in the same boat of trying to meet new people, it was less awkward than trying to strike up a conversation with a random person out in public somewhere. I have one friend who had a lot of luck with meetup.com and now has a huge group of fellow Latina friends, so I think if you pick a more focused group to meet that helps. Sometimes it's like dancing though and it's just a number game -- the more people you meet who you don't click with, the closer you get to someone who you.

    Otherwise, well, you're an expat. I know there are tons of forums for Americans or other English-speaking nationals living abroad, and London is definitely full of them. Maybe there's a forum or local group that you could join or meet up with. At the very least, they'd probably have some better suggestions of how to meet people in London since they've been there!

    And then, of course, there's the usual advice to take a class or join a sports team or do any sort of group activity that you're interested in because then there's an obvious common ground, topic of conversation, and no pressure to be extroverted or outgoing.

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    Aside from online things like meetup.com (I think), do any of the coffee shops or pubs have events? Shanna suggested trivia, which is good as long as they will pair you up with people. I imagine if there was a book reading or something that you were interested in you could meet other like-minded people (that are probably also kinda introverted).
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    Thanks for the advice Shanna. One of the girls I met dancing I met on here too. I suck at trivia so not sure I'd make the greatest impression with that. But yeah, I know someone who just moved here that does a lot of stuff on meetup (I can't stand her tho so not the greatest endorsement)-- I looked through their website and found a few things that sounded interesting so I think I'll give them a shot next month. Some of the events seemed huge and I don't really want to go to something with like 100 people since I know I'll just get anxious and end up leaving, so I'm trying to find some smaller events (some of the expats ones have like 400+ people going). I'm a nerd so yeah Selina I signed up for a book reading club which makes me feel about sixty years old!

    I was thinking that I might want to start taking some kind of fitness class since I never work out since quitting dancing and can't be motivated to go to the gym, so I guess that might be another way to meet some people.

    I love my boyfriend but in some ways I feel like our relationship has sort of stunted me in making my own life here, if I hadn't met him I think I would have put a lot more effort into developing relationships in the past couple years... now I feel like I don't have the excuse of "I just moved here so that's why I have no friends yet." I've never had a huge group of friends where everyone knows each other, usually just 4 or 5 really close friends, which is what I miss and would like to have. Even with the friends I have through my boyfriend, they're really his friends not mine and I have said things to them that they have repeated back to him which weren't upsetting to him or anything, but I would prefer not to know everything I tell a friend is possibly going to be told to my boyfriend.

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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    Why not do some volunteering? Working together is the best way to get to know someone. London can be a tough place to meet new people so I sympathize.

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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    I managed to meet a great group of friends over the past 5-6 years and I agree with your sentiment. It is hard to meet people as an adult. Almost all of my friends have known each other since high school or soon after, and I went to high school 1,500 miles away! I am about to go through the same thing all over again ans I am moving about 40 mins away. Yes! Of course I will still see my current friends but I would like to meet some more people, esp. ones who live near me. I was also going to recommend meet up. I have been looking into it.

    http://www.meetup.com/find/?allMeetu...s&sort=default


    That is the link for London. They have groups for all sorts of things. Also, maybe you can try an excercise class. If you go to one at the same time every week there will likely be the same ladies there, start striking up a convo!
    XoXo Gia
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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    You're going to have to step out of your comfort zone. I've heard (never actually been there, but know plenty of people who used to live in London) that London is all about pub culture. Just take one day a week and pop into a pub near your house for a drink and food. The go back the next week at about the same time. Keep going in until you get to know some of the regulars or until you've decided that you aren't meshing well with the clientele.

    The internet is ok for starting conversations, but if you really want to make new friends, you'll have to go out and talk to people. I know it's a pain and can be scary at times. To get over your nervousness of going into a pub alone, make your first trip very short. Tell yourself you'll only stay 20 minutes, have one drink then leave. And if after 5 minutes you don't like the place, give yourself permission to go home.

    Can you commit to 5 minutes in a pub?

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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    I know you said you were interested in a fitness class but didn't really have much motivation to go to a gym and I was wondering if you'd ever thought of doing yoga. It's not your typical fitness class, it's not just all about working out as it is an exercise for both body and mind. Yoga studios are more often like a community or family than a gym would be. When I started doing yoga I was horribly shy, it made me slightly uncomfortable that people would smile and try to chat with me after class, I just wanted to do my yoga and get out of there. As I became more into my practice, I found myself wanting to talk to people about yoga more and more and I realized what better place to do it than there. I've made great friends from various yoga studios. Attending classes and workshops is a great way to meet new people.

    I definitely agree with the suggestion for volunteer work as well. I volunteer at a shelter for domestic violence victims and have met some wonderful people doing that.


    Probably the most random suggestion ever, Tinder. I am bisexual so I have my discovery set to males and females, one day while tindering, I read the profile of a woman that said she was just looking for friends and she listed some of her interests, stated she was straight and was just looking for female friends. I met one of my best female friends from tinder but we are both bi and realized we were better as friends than lovers.

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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    I can't imagine trying to meet a real, genuine female friend in a bar. Especially if Audrey isn't looking for a drinking buddy, but an actual friend. Just my

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    Featured Member LaurenAus's Avatar
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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    Classes, volunteering, and echoing meetup. My friend met a whole new group of friends through a volleyball meetup group.
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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    Hobbies and hobby groups are the only way to find lasting friendships IME. Facebook groups are a great resource. Joining clubs or weekly events. Also, nightlife. I met the bulk of my current friendships, aside from sexwork, from going out and meeting people. Then you meet promoters and get invited to more events. A lot are lowkey or music-oriented so it's not a party scene necessarily. I'm not a big drinker. Just think about your hobbies and go from there.

    It might be weird with a steady boyfriend, but apps like tinder and okcupid have been amazing. You don't have to fuck every person you meet and you don't have to date every person either. I've made friends with people off there. Some of them match only with people who have a lot of common Facebook friends, for networking purposes. I've matched with girls and guys who soon add me on Facebook and we just continually network and become friends. It's a great resource. Again, fuck marketing because not everyone uses things the way marketing intends. That was my plan from the start and it worked. Thinking outside the box gets you far!

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    Default Re: meeting new people?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    I can't imagine trying to meet a real, genuine female friend in a bar. Especially if Audrey isn't looking for a drinking buddy, but an actual friend. Just my
    I have! But you have to find things in common and you can't set out to make friends this way. If someone is wearing something you like, strike up a convo about it!

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