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Thread: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

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    Default Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Okay, I know in theory this sounds shitty, but have any of you ever kept escorting a secret from a boyfriend or man you are dating?

    I have been dating a guy for 4 months now, and we see each other fairly regularly. He knows about my day job in sales, but he doesn't know about my escorting. He knows I have a dancing past as well and it didn't seem to bother him, but I'm fairly certain escorting would bother him. I'm low-med volume and I have another job, so its not like I will get caught.

    My logic in hiding this is that we haven't been dating long, he could out me to mutual friends, and I don't want to quit something lucrative for someone who may not be serious about me. I live in a big city where dating is treated very casually.

    I don't want to hide this, but I also see no reason to tell him since we haven't been together that long, and also escorting is illegal in theory so it can put me at risk if things go south with us.

    I have absolutely no issue quitting escorting for good if we indeed become a serious couple.

    How do I ethically approach this issue? Should I just keep it a secret forever and eventually quit when I feel like we have been together awhile? I don't want to tell every guy I date for 4 months that I'm an escort when I don't even tell a lot of the people close to me.

    Has anyone been in this position before?

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Are you guys strictly monogamous? If so, then you don't have to tell him but morally you should quit since escorting is still cheating.

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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by arielbriel View Post
    Are you guys strictly monogamous? If so, then you don't have to tell him but morally you should quit since escorting is still cheating.
    We haven't had a conversation about that and I never really did with any of my exes either.

    Part of me kind of believes that nothing is "serious" unless there's a ring on my finger. I find that kind of mentality to be common in major cities.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post

    Part of me kind of believes that nothing is "serious" unless there's a ring on my finger. I find that kind of mentality to be common in major cities.
    Ha! Not only in major cities, love. I'm in a tiny southern town and I still have the same way of thinking. You don't own me until my finger sparkles...

    But, just because you feel that way doesn't mean that he does. Four months is enough time for guys to fall in love. And they fall long before they go and say it. I get not wanting to fuck your money up if its just a fling, but what if it isn't? I've read your posts here and you sound just fabulous, dahlin! I mean, why wouldn't he fall for a girl as articulate and seemingly lovely as you?

    Beyond that, I've found in my experience that I (personally) have to choose between love and money. Some working girls do. Its a lonely bitch, but right now escorting is my best choice, so I've stopped dating until I can stop working. Its easier for me that way because I like to avoid hard feelings at all costs.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    ....He knows I have a dancing past as well and it didn't seem to bother him, but I'm fairly certain escorting would bother him.....
    Key word is 'in your past', big difference to still be doing it. Maybe bring up the subject and ask what he'd think if you wanted to dance again... Still, what he says may be different than what he actually will feel when you're out for the evening. (As in any 'open relationship'...)
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    I don't think you should tell him, but so feel you should stop if it's considered cheating in his book. Me, I only think it's cheating if you enjoy it, so escorting while using protection is A-ok in my book. But you aren't dating me lol. If you're not in a place financially where you can stop, at least-PLEASE-continue to use protection. Maybe dancing or camming would be a good alternative?
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    Veteran Member Dancing Days's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    I'm not an escort, but imho, you should break up with him. You don't have to tell him why. I get that you don't see this relationship as serious, but it's not fair to him to have this giant secret hidden from him. If you'd like to keep escorting, I suggest you break up with him and maybe take a break from dating for a while. I can't even imagine how bad it would be if a boyfriend of yours found out about this by accident (by going on your computer or phone or whatever) and how pissed he would be...the repercussions could be fairly big. He could out you to everyone out of spite.


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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    If you haven't had any sort of discussion about monogamy or exclusivity, I see it as no different than if you (or he) were still "keeping your options open" by dating/sleeping with other people. Same physical activity and none of his business. Why should you give up income, or risk your safety/privacy regarding the matter, before you even know if he's given up dating other women?

    I think if you reach the point of discussing that you're serious and won't be seeing other people in any capacity, it's time to either tell, quit, or end things with him. If you reach that point, you should theoretically know someone well enough that you know if you can have that discussion and he'll either be ok (or at the very least not rat you out), or you'll have the feeling that he'll react badly and tell everyone - so you don't tell and just end things. Or, if you're in a good enough financial position to just say ok, we're serious, I quit, then you quit. But until then, it's no more his business what you're doing with other men, for money or not, than he probably thinks it is your business what he's doing with other women. Everyone has a past with the opposite gender. As long as you're being safe with everyone, I don't see the issue if you haven't had a "serious, exclusive" discussion yet.
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Money > Men. Seriously. But don't think he won't find out, if you go that route you have to prepare for that. I thought I could hide it from my ex and well, it didn't work out so well.
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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    I'm not purposely trying to keep this a secret. I'm just not trying to tell every man I date that I do it for safety reasons.

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    Featured Member gameover's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    He may be okay with dancing, but escorting is different than dancing. If you are interested in the guy, the longer you keep it a secret, the bigger deal it will be when you tell him, or when he finds out. If he finds out on his own, I think it is pretty much over at that point because of the deception. If you tell him now, he may break up with you, but he may be okay with it. And, wouldn't you rather find that out now rather later, when your feelings for him might have grown?

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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    I feel like no one actually read my post.

    I'm not planning to fully keep escorting a secret from a significant other. I just don't want to tell anyone when I'm getting to know them, or in the pre-monogamy phase. I haven't met anyone here who jumps right into monogamy, and honestly that would probably be a red flag if someone did try to.

    I just don't want to date a lot of people I date for like 3-4 months to know I escort. There's no point to that and its kind of dangerous. Obviously I'm not monogamous right now, we are still dating. Like I said before, I already have a day job and can partially work from home with it, and plan to quit escorting if things get serious. But the problem is, it feels awkward to continue to do this in the dating period, but there's no sense in quitting since we aren't monogamous.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    .



    I don't want to hide this, but I also see no reason to tell him since we haven't been together that long, and also escorting is illegal in theory so it can put me at risk if things go south with us.
    What, exactly, does "together" mean?

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by slowpoke View Post
    What, exactly, does "together" mean?
    Adjoining our time together through casually dating in order to see if we are long-term compatible?

    Does no one here casually date someone for awhile to make sure that you two are actually compatible so that the relationship succeeds?

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    so if things get serious, then quit. if you aren't monogamous and aren't in a relationship its honestly none of his business and you aren't doing anything wrong..for all you know, he could be screwing just as many or more people than you and the only difference is there's no money passing hands.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    I've done this! I escorted before I ever stripped. I wound up telling my then-boyfriend after we had the talk confirming that our relationship was serious and exclusive, maybe around the 4-5 month mark. He didn't really care, which was a HUGE relief at the time. I was so worried it would be a deal breaker.

    There's absolutely no reason to tell him while you two are casually dating, nor is there any reason to stop escorting. I don't actually think that there's anything unethical about that, since escorting isn't inherently unethical and he shouldn't have any reason to think you're not sleeping with other people at this point.

    Since prostitution is basically the most stigmatized job there is, I think it's really easy to feel this kind of random guilt about it all the time, which may be why you're struggling to figure out how to handle this situation.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    I've done this! I escorted before I ever stripped. I wound up telling my then-boyfriend after we had the talk confirming that our relationship was serious and exclusive, maybe around the 4-5 month mark. He didn't really care, which was a HUGE relief at the time. I was so worried it would be a deal breaker.

    There's absolutely no reason to tell him while you two are casually dating, nor is there any reason to stop escorting. I don't actually think that there's anything unethical about that, since escorting isn't inherently unethical and he shouldn't have any reason to think you're not sleeping with other people at this point.

    Since prostitution is basically the most stigmatized job there is, I think it's really easy to feel this kind of random guilt about it all the time, which may be why you're struggling to figure out how to handle this situation.
    Yeah I don't really feel random guilt because its the same as sleeping with multiple men for no money honestly, which is what a lot of men do with women.

    I'm just concerned because I have no idea how serious he thinks the relationship is and bringing up that topic never goes well because its better to let it happen naturally. So it feels strange to continue to escort, but there's no real reason not to.

    My main thing is, I don't want to tell this person now or on month 5 that I'm escorting only to have him break it off immediately because he finds it repulsive or something turns him off. I don't want to date a bunch of men where I think we are somewhat serious and then I tell them I'm quitting escorting, and they break it off and run with that knowledge. Who knows who they could share that information with.

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    Featured Member gameover's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    Yeah I don't really feel random guilt because its the same as sleeping with multiple men for no money honestly, which is what a lot of men do with women.

    I'm just concerned because I have no idea how serious he thinks the relationship is and bringing up that topic never goes well because its better to let it happen naturally. So it feels strange to continue to escort, but there's no real reason not to.

    My main thing is, I don't want to tell this person now or on month 5 that I'm escorting only to have him break it off immediately because he finds it repulsive or something turns him off. I don't want to date a bunch of men where I think we are somewhat serious and then I tell them I'm quitting escorting, and they break it off and run with that knowledge. Who knows who they could share that information with.
    I think you just want everyone to tell you it's okay to mislead the guy that your day job is your vocation, when you are also escorting. But, I think most guys will be pretty upset to find you have hidden this aspect of your life from them. Relationships are built on trust, and your approach is based on deceit. I might be okay with dating you knowing you used to escort, but finding out you were secretly escorting while we were sleeping together would be a deal breaker to me. I'm sure it is tough forming a relationship while you are escorting, but I think the only chance for them to be successful, is to be open and honest from the start.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    My main thing is, I don't want to tell this person now or on month 5 that I'm escorting only to have him break it off immediately because he finds it repulsive or something turns him off. I don't want to date a bunch of men where I think we are somewhat serious and then I tell them I'm quitting escorting, and they break it off and run with that knowledge.
    This is simply the risk you run when dating/being in a relationship while working in an adult related industry. You must be willing to accept that when you decide to be honest about your adult career its going one of two ways - he could break it off because he finds it repulsive or he is okay with it and stays with you.
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by gameover View Post
    .....I might be okay with dating you knowing you used to escort, but finding out you were secretly escorting while we were sleeping together would be a deal breaker to me. I'm sure it is tough forming a relationship while you are escorting, but I think the only chance for them to be successful, is to be open and honest from the start.
    But like mentioned above, whats the difference between her sleeping with clients vs. having casual sex while dating? Aside from the money/transactional nature, its no different from jane doe who likes to date and have sex a few times a week. I think she should tell him she's seeing other people (and she should of course use condoms with everyone she physically intimate with) but I don't think she has to be THAT honest, especially right off the bat.

    Why would you be okay with a former escort but not a current escort?
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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    But like mentioned above, whats the difference between her sleeping with clients vs. having casual sex while dating? Aside from the money/transactional nature, its no different from jane doe who likes to date and have sex a few times a week. I think she should tell him she's seeing other people (and she should of course use condoms with everyone she physically intimate with) but I don't think she has to be THAT honest, especially right off the bat.

    Why would you be okay with a former escort but not a current escort?
    Well, when I'm having sex with someone I'm dating, I don't have sex with other people. If I had been seeing her and sleeping with her for four months I think there is an implied exclusivity. I guess I don't take sex that casually. To me, it's not just that she is escorting. If I'm dating a girl to the point where I'm sleeping with her, I don't want her sleeping with other guys at the same time. If she wants to have sex with other guys, just tell me, and I will move on.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    If you are sexually active with someone who may have expectations in regards to finding a relationship and you are active with others at 4/5mo of dating (I don't know if I'm reading this correctly, so I apologies ahead) you should be honest with them for the sake of ever having or starting a healthy relationship with him. (Lies can effect your health and sleep, though you may not feel guilt now..years of hiding can catch up fairly quick)

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by gameover View Post
    I think you just want everyone to tell you it's okay to mislead the guy that your day job is your vocation, when you are also escorting. But, I think most guys will be pretty upset to find you have hidden this aspect of your life from them. Relationships are built on trust, and your approach is based on deceit. I might be okay with dating you knowing you used to escort, but finding out you were secretly escorting while we were sleeping together would be a deal breaker to me. I'm sure it is tough forming a relationship while you are escorting, but I think the only chance for them to be successful, is to be open and honest from the start.
    Did no one see where I twice said I would quit if we were monogamous?

    The problem is that monogamy doesn't happen over night if you want to make sure you're compatible beforehand, and I'm not going to quit for someone who doesn't turn out to be serious. Sure, you can be monogamous with someone you just met, but I guarantee it doesn't work out down the line for most. That's why I like getting to know someone first before I start making them a huge priority in my life.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    But like mentioned above, whats the difference between her sleeping with clients vs. having casual sex while dating? Aside from the money/transactional nature, its no different from jane doe who likes to date and have sex a few times a week. I think she should tell him she's seeing other people (and she should of course use condoms with everyone she physically intimate with) but I don't think she has to be THAT honest, especially right off the bat.

    Why would you be okay with a former escort but not a current escort?
    Exactly. There is no real difference from me liking to have sex with multiple guys, or me doing the same thing for money. The ONLY difference is money and stigma for the most part.

    If we are not monogamous yet because we haven't gotten to know each other really well in order to pull off monogamy, I don't see why I should need to feel guilty for keeping this secret. If it were legal and non-stigmatized, I wouldn't care, but that is not the position society has put me in. I am protecting my safety, my day job, and my reputation. That is important to do.

    If I don't have to specifically disclose all the men I am currently hooking up with not for money, why should I have to disclose the men I am hooking up with for money? That makes no sense. Again, escorting is not my career. It is a side hobby for money and fun.

    We have both already implied we are seeing other people. That is standard in the dating world until you are monogamous, if it ever gets to that point.

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    Default Re: Keeping escorting a secret from boyfriend

    red, you're making very good logical arguments about why you're doing the right thing. Unfortunately, romantic relationships don't always work based on logic. There are five ways this could work out:

    1) You guys break up normally before he finds out
    2) You get serious and tell him. He freaks out, tells your family, coworkers, everyone what you do
    3) You tell him and he breaks up with you. He doesn't tell anyone (that you know of) but you worry for a while
    4) You tell him and he's kinda ok with it but it ends up breaking you up later
    5) He finds out and is 100% great with what you do. This could be the worse result depending on why he's fine with it

    You can see that there's not many happy endings possible when you start a relationship without disclosing a very important part of your life. It makes sense that you can't just tell anyone what you do, you would be outted very quickly. Perhaps being an escort and finding a serious relationship are two things that you can't do at the same time easily. Sometimes you can't have it all. For example, if you found out your guy was secretly married, but thinking about leaving his wife, would you be ok with that? Using your logic, since you two aren't exclusive yet he doesn't need to disclose him being married....yet.

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