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Thread: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

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    Default Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We moved in together in April 2015. After moving in I realized he had a video game addiction. Everyday he plays for at least 5-8 hours, then he HAS to watch reruns of wresting from the 90's. Everyday. Yeah he works night shift and pays the bills, but that's no excuse for the amount of time he spends on the game and watching wrestling. I told him months ago that the time he spends playing the game is starting to be an issue because in the end I get ignored and put second. By the time he's done it's time for him to go to sleep and get ready for work. He always has excuses as to why he plays the game so much. One time he said it's because I annoy him and get on his nerves. That makes no sense because we hardly spend time together because he's either at work or on the game. Another time he said he plays that much because it takes his mind off of having sex with me so much. Ok. That makes no sense but whatever. Another time he said it helps take his mind off of going out to the clubs/strip club. Ok...So which is it? He can just never admit that he has an addiction to playing video games.

    Last night we had a serious conversation. I told him that lately I've been unhappy. I told him I've been asking myself, do I see myself being with a guy whose about to be 30, who has a serious video game/wrestling addiction and puts me second? Once again he brings up the point that he works and pays bills, and it's not like he just sits around the house all day.

    He has no outside hobbies. I told him I'd rather him go out with his friends than to be on the game like he is. I told him that it's very annoying and I can't deal with it anymore.

    Another issue I have with him is his messiness. I know not all guys are messy. But he takes it to a whole new level. He leaves plates of food in the room or the living room. If I take it to throw away he says. "I was gonna eat that" or "I was gonna throw that away" which he rarely does. It's like he leaves a trail of mess on purpose just for me to clean up. I asked him months ago if he could clean up after hisself because it'll save me time in having to do it. He cleaned up after hisself for about 4 days than it went right back to normal. I asked him the other day why is he so messy. He said because it shows him that I care about him by cleaning up after him and that's what a woman is supposed to do. Yeah...

    Then there's the issue with the trash. I lived by myself for years before we met so I was used to taking out the garbage. Since we moved in together, when I ask him to take out the trash, he always says, I'll do it in a minute...I'll do it after this game. A minute turns into an hour and I just get so fed up. He waits until the trash is full to the point where he'll even push it down to try to make room so he doesn't have to take it out. I feel like I shouldn't have to wait until the trash is literally overflowing to tell him to take it out. I know he sees it needs to be taken out, but he just doesn't do it. So when I take it out after having asked him and him not doing it, he ALWAYS says, "Why are you taking it out, I said I was gonna do it?" And I'm just like really...when? You said that an hour ago, it's fine I can do it.

    I've tried to ignore these little things, and yes I know when you love someone you have to compromise. But damnit, how many fucking times is it gonna take for me to tell him about the video game...the trash...him cleaning up after himself. I'm just fed up and realized I'm not gonna be happy with someone like that. He said no one has ever told him the truth like that and it hurt his feelings. I'd rather tell him the truth than to be fake about things.

    Also, we have a great sex life..no complaints. But lately, the last few times, I haven't been feeling the connection and feelings that I usually have when we are intimate. When we do do it, I'm just like ok...when will it be over. I think I'm pretty much over him. It's clear the video game habit and messiness won't change so there's really nothing that can be done. I told him life is too short to be unhappy and he knows I'm not happy.

    I don't really have anyone to talk to so venting here makes me feel a little better. I'm a little embarrassed telling my mom that he plays video games a lot or he's really dirty. But I'm gonna tell her soon cause I know she cares about my well being and I want her to know.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    He sounds very immature for his age. Honestly you need a real man in your life, not a 30 year old man child. Why settle? It sounds like you can do just fine without him...being with a man like this, you will end up becoming his mother instead of his girlfriend. I would move on.
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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Plenty of other carp in the lake. Bait your hook and toss it in.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Because women are put on earth to clean up after him? Just ew, sorry. My friends and sister all deal w boyfriends or husbands with video game addiction, and it's like any other addiction..they need to admit it's a problem and they have it to even begin to move forward. He can't even do that.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Quote Originally Posted by curvydancer25 View Post
    I don't really have anyone to talk to so venting here makes me feel a little better. I'm a little embarrassed telling my mom that he plays video games a lot or he's really dirty. But I'm gonna tell her soon cause I know she cares about my well being and I want her to know.
    ^You should feel that you can go to her with this, especially if she's a good female mentor for you. It sounds like your BF maybe hasn't had any good male mentors or role models. He comes home and thinks he can just 'play' rather than being a partner.

    Quote Originally Posted by curvydancer25 View Post
    So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. ... he knows I'm not happy.
    ^If that doesn't or hasn't kicked his butt in gear and made him man-up ... well I'll stop there. You don't need me lecturing you.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    This is why I date men MUCH older than me. He sounds like he doesnt have his shit together at ALL other than having a job. Men who are slobs have no business being in a relationship where they live together with their SO. Trust me I have been there and done that with this. Dont accept anything less than what you know you deserve. Leave that scrub in the dust!





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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Why don't you get him some tools and have him do some car/house projects? That's what us older guys do to relax. I don't understand the appeal of video games but it most likely has something to do with a false sense of accomplishment. For some reason women don't seem to mind if I'm messing with one of my old cars or bikes. And a house project is a great thing to do together.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    I go for older men myself and love when my man uses power tools (like drilldos and fucksaws!) but I think it's important to remember that the problem is not that he likes video games, the problem is that he's spending all his free time on them. Besides, it's 2016, many "older men" grew up with video games. Nothing wrong with playing a bit every night to relax, and if the girl is a gamer too, it's just as much something to do together as anything else. Chess gives a false sense of accomplishment too; the problem is that he's not doing anything else with his time and procrastinates like a 12yo.
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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Quote Originally Posted by NoRegrets View Post
    Why don't you get him some tools and have him do some car/house projects? That's what us older guys do to relax. I don't understand the appeal of video games but it most likely has something to do with a false sense of accomplishment. For some reason women don't seem to mind if I'm messing with one of my old cars or bikes. And a house project is a great thing to do together.

    I've mentioned I wanted him to put together some things for me...a dresser and some other furniture. I also mentioned I should get him some tools so he can do manly things around the house. As for the dresser, he said he's rather buy one already put together so he doesn't have to do it. He says he doesn't need tools cause there's nothing for him to do.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Has he been evaluated for ADHD?
    "Do you do tech support in exclusive?"

    Don't call me BB...I'm not the prime minister of Israel!



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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    ^A lot of gamers have ADHD--good point.

    OP, I've gone on that trash rant almost verbatim to my gamer boyfriend. (Who does have ADHD.) That and the fact that when he games with his headset on it's like he's sitting on the phone talking to people for hours. I'm a huge introvert and need as much emotional maintenance as a goldfish most days, but every now and then I tell my boyfriend he needs to give me a reason to look nice and take me out somewhere. I imagine someone with normal social needs would find a relationship with a hardcore gamer inherently lonely. If the time he spent gaming and your feelings of neglect were the only issues, I think that your relationship could improve. But it sounds like he has other issues that make him an unfulfilling partner for you, unfortunately.

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    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Quote Originally Posted by tuesdaymarie View Post
    ^A lot of gamers have ADHD--good point.
    True, but this really has nothing to do with his hobby of gaming. Gaming isn't any worse than birdwatching or collecting stamps. The fact that he gets hyperfocused on his video games to the point where he says he'll do other shit and then forgets (if he does indeed forget) is the issue here. If he does have ADHD, might be helpful to get it treated.

    Still sounds immature though, for denying that he's got an issue.
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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    I am missing something here I guess because of his "paying the bills". Do you not work yourself? Anyway, he sounds like an inconsiderate, immature brat. I would get the hell out of there if I were you.
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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    He sounds a lot like one of my exes...I don't mind doing the housewife thing and doing most of the cleaning/cooking if he's paying all my bills, but my ex was purposely messy and ignored me for games and his other hobbies. My S.O. is a gamer too but at most he'll play for an hour or two a day..I have my own hobbies and I don't mind (sometimes I wish I had even more time to myself) but 5-8 hours is too much.
    One thing that kind of worked was getting my own hobbies or getting dressed up really cute and leaving the house when he would ignore me. He definitely became more attentive at least for a while. I also started playing some games with him (that I liked) and that helped. But in the end I lost feelings for him because I just felt like his mom and he wasn't putting any effort into the relationship.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Welcome to the "I hate everything about you" stage of the relationship. Also known as the "power struggle" stage. Your boyfriend needs a wake up call. He is feeling firmly ensconced in his power seat and that he can treat you like a doormat probably because you have been happily doing things for him because you love him. Everyone loves doing nice things for the people they love. He feels like he is being a good provider by working and bringing in income. Maybe he hates his job and needs the fantasy world of video games to stay sane. Maybe all his friends are in the video game and that is how he socializes. Either way, he is cutting you out of his life. You're not feeling that emotional connection and it is making the sex really crappy, too.

    When talking to your boyfriend use "I" statements. For instance: "I feel abandoned when we don't spend quality time together." Avoid phrases like: "All you want to do is play video games, you don't love me."

    It also sounds like his tolerance for a messy house is way higher than yours. Explain to him that if he wants you to stick around, he is going to have to become more conscientious about cleaning up after himself. Explain that you CAN'T live with the mess, that it disgusts you and you have these feelings of disgust when you think about him. If he can't teach himself to be better about tidying up, then you can't stay with him long term.

    The real shitty thing is that the more pressure you put on him, the more he is going to seek out those distractions to get stress relief. Be ready for him to retreat to the video games/ wrestling videos when the emotional pressure is on. If he can't learn how to make the relationship a priority and can't manage his stress while also providing emotional support to his S.O. you may have to start making plans to move into a relationship where your emotional needs will be met. Give him some time to come to grips with the reality of the situation, of course. Maybe he'll step up to the plate rather than losing you.

    Also be ready to make some changes in yourself. If you value the relationship, look at what you are doing that is contributing to the problems. Do you say mean things when your needs aren't being met? Do you give him the silent treatment? How are you lashing out when you are upset (we all lash out, no denying that)?

    Then you need to find something that you both enjoy, and engage in that activity together on a regular basis. I like to say that my dog saved my marriage. My husband and I were slowly drifting apart. He had his career, I had mine. We went about out lives separately even though we lived at the same address. Then one day, we went to the mall and there was an adoption event going on. We found a puppy that stole our hearts, so we brought her home. We signed up for puppy training lessons, we walked the dog together, we played with the dog together, we took the dog to the vet and when the dog badly injured herself chasing a cat, we worked together to get the dog the medical treatment she needed. We were a team again, and the dog is what brought us back together. We began taking the dog on hikes, to the dog park, to the beach. We'd plan our weekends around "Where do you want to take the dog this weekend?"

    We were still pretty distant from each other at that point, but we used the dog as a starting point to bring our relationship back together again. We felt happy when we did things with the dog, and by extension we felt happy when we were together. Make good memories together, again. Use that point to build upon and look for ways to have fun together.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016...s-by-the-sink/

    This popped up on my facebook this morning. I don't think I could describe it any better than this guy. Maybe "strategically" leave the article open on your computer for him to find?
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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    True, but this really has nothing to do with his hobby of gaming. Gaming isn't any worse than birdwatching or collecting stamps. The fact that he gets hyperfocused on his video games to the point where he says he'll do other shit and then forgets (if he does indeed forget) is the issue here. If he does have ADHD, might be helpful to get it treated.

    Still sounds immature though, for denying that he's got an issue.
    I'd say that, IME, gaming is one of the more difficult hobbies for someone to be obsessed with in a relationship, actually. I get hyperfocused reading books and writing, but if my boyfriend asked me to do something while reading or writing, I could jot down a note or fold my page and go do it. With gaming, a lot of the time it's a group endeavor. It's seen as rude if you just take your headset off in the middle of a raid or something. It could be several minutes or hours before it's really "convenient" to go do whatever less appealing task you agreed to. Some really committed gamers have schedules of when they "have to" game with their friends in order to reach certain goals. It's a big commitment in terms of time/energy, money, etc, and so I think the fact that the hobby in question is gaming does make it a particularly difficult situation.

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    I'm sure I won't be the first poster to suggest a sure fire way to enjoy a partner with better habits..... Which is to leave and go get yourself a partner with better habits who you don't have to baby.

    Habits / lifestyle are huge in a relationship. Why compromise when there are so many better choices out there? Also... You are probably just seeing the tip of the iceberg since this sounds a little new what years of sitting on a couch without moving does to the human body ( it isn't pretty ).

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    You could try couples counseling too...

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    Default Re: Don't regret telling boyfriend I hate his video game habit

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I'm sure I won't be the first poster to suggest a sure fire way to enjoy a partner with better habits..... Which is to leave and go get yourself a partner with better habits who you don't have to baby.

    Habits / lifestyle are huge in a relationship. Why compromise when there are so many better choices out there? Also... You are probably just seeing the tip of the iceberg since this sounds a little new what years of sitting on a couch without moving does to the human body ( it isn't pretty ).
    True...People rarely change. At 30 years old he's likely set in his ways. The only 2 real options are to either adjust and compromise as much as possible and try to make it work, or leave and find a more mature partner. It also sounds like he may have an actual gaming addiction (sounds silly but it's a real thing.) Addictions and relationships don't mix (unless they're both addicts.)

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