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Thread: Taking a relationship break...

  1. #1
    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Taking a relationship break...

    Hi guys. I just needed a virtual shoulder to cry on.

    After a lot of bullshit and mistakes on both sides, my fiancé and I are taking a break.

    He's been realizing he doesn't know what he wants to do with himself and is unhappy in general. He expressed this to me and framed it as "I don't know if I want to consider another person right now". All these things about how what if he wants to do such and such activity, like I am holding him back when really he never chooses to do anything except work and sit at home. I asked if he wanted me or not, and after a several minute silence he had a meltdown of tears and "I don't know, I want you around all the time but sometimes I freak out and need to get away", etc other examples. After 2 days of this we decided to work on issues and if he still is unhappy and blames the relationship we part ways.

    A few days of him faking happy, last night he came to me very agitated and dropped "I love you but I'm not in love with you". We managed to pinpoint where we had started to wall off each other and cause this to happen, and agreed to take a break. No talking, no hooking up with other people, no telling people until we are sure of ending it. He cried like a child the whole time and freaked out that he needed to be alone and I ended up leaving. I got halfway out of town and felt a punch to my gut that this was WRONG. Came back, talked more, got "we've been trying to fix it and don't know how so that's why we are doing this".

    Im at my parents house now processing.
    The shitty part is, over the last few months we have had several days of that crazy-love feeling on and off. I know it's still in there. He had noticed them too. On Christmas he had said how when we were happy like that it was wonderful/what he wants all the time.

    I know he has serious insecurity issues; is threatened by one of my guy friends; he has always been afraid I'll find something better; not 3 weeks ago, he said he hates when I go to work after a fight bc he then remembers what I'm doing and is afraid I'll take revenge by cheating. There was also "no escorting, you with another guy makes me sick".

    Im angry and hurt. His statement doesn't seem to match the other things he's said/all this crying and freaking out. If you aren't in love with someone, why be upset about them being with someone else? Why want them around all the time?

    I feel like he's panicked and sabotaging it before he gets hurt.

    4/4 of my friends are sure he will come back after he's alone. I'm not sure what I would do. But I want him to because I feel after all the crap I've stuck through, I want the luxury of choosing.

    Im hurting really bad. This is 6 years of friendship + 2 of dating seriously. A lot to throw away.

    Thanks anyone who got through this post. If anyone has been through similar or has input/analysis/anything, please share.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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  3. #2
    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Sorry you're going through this. *hugs*

    My "analysis," if you're interested, is that the whole taking a break thing is counterproductive.

    If you're both willing to work on your relationship, stay together and work on it. If that means that one of you needs more space and to spend more time alone figuring yourself out, that's fine but it shouldn't be within the framework of a "break," but rather "I'm doing this for myself in order to be a better partner in the future," and therefore the needs of the partner will still be on one's mind.

    On the other hand, if one or both of the partners feels that they're so unsure if the relationship is right, my first suggestion would be to go to couples counseling to have a professional pose some questions and help the couple navigate their answers, but if that's not an option or the partner(s) aren't interested, I wouldn't suggest taking a break. I would suggest BREAKING UP.

    When you break up, you become focused on yourself. You figure out what you want in life, and then you can decide if you want to reenter the previous relationship with your new realizations. I think it's pretty inappropriate to impose limitations on what a person can or can't do during that time, because what's the point of figuring out what you want if you don't have 100% freedom? Some of that lack of freedom is tangible, like not having permission to have sex/intimacy with others, while some is intangible, like feeling trapped and therefore stopping yourself from doing what you want cause your break-partner might not approve if they were to know.

    Just my two cents. Good luck to you both.
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  5. #3
    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    I agree and left him a note before I left saying I still think this is wrong and that we can work through things but it is hard and painful. That taking a break is just an attempt to reinforce the idea of not needing the other.

    When he brought this to me I wasn't sure if he was attempting to break up or basically saying "idk what to do" so I said "let's take some time and I'll go to my parents and you can be alone to sort things out", and he just tearfully nodded. We agreed on parameters because the point IS to re examine things without being distracted by hookups.

    I went that route instead of just ending it because I feel he is very overwhelmed and lost but plainly still loves me. If I break up with someone, that's it, and I know it is fixable if we try.

    He has never been ok with therapists; very private and doesn't like spilling guts to a stranger.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    I've had a couple of vodka martinis, so truly, please forgive me if I'm too frank or assuming.

    There have been more than a few times when I've read your posts about your relationship and thought, "Damn, this girl could do better." Then I remind myself that you're venting and, like when anyone vents, you're primarily telling one side of the story, and there are doubtlessly many reasons why you're in your relationship, and what the fuck do I even know about you or your life at the end of the day. But I'm not surprised to read that y'all are taking a break, so I do think that on some level, maybe you're not surprised either. Hurt, yes. But not surprised.

    Idk. I've been on the receiving end of, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," too. It fucking blew. And then he got high or drunk or what the fuck ever combination of the two and told me that I was intelligent and beautiful and the difficulty with an unhappy man being with a woman like that is that he never felt like he measured up to what I thought he could be, or what he thought I deserved. Sounds like your boyfriend might be feeling some of the same, like he's not good enough and thinks you or your relationship is to blame. But you're not.

    I think your boyfriend/ex/whatever has a lot of maturing to do. Idk what the bullshit and mistakes on your side are, but this would be too much for me to easily forget. I would have a lot of difficulty being engaged with a man who dropped the love but not in love line. It is the embodiment of emotional immaturity, to me. Being in love is a choice most of the time--the choice to stay by your partner's side and communicate and choose each other. He's acting like whether y'all should choose to be together is based on whims.

    4/4 of your friends who I assume actually know this guy think he's going to come back. I wouldn't be surprised if he did. But I would be shocked to hear that he came back and made a lot of progress on figuring out his feelings and improving how he treats you and shows that he values your relationship. I can more easily imagine him coming back, putting on a happy face for a few weeks, then blowing up about being unhappy again and still blaming you for his emotions.

    I'd like to say that if I were you I'd call him up and tell him it's over because I deserve better and know I can get it, etc. But it wouldn't be that easy. Six years of friendship and two of dating are a big investment. I would probably bend to that and do my best to make the relationship work because I'm an introvert and difficult to get to know and I would feel lonely without that person in my life. But I'm telling you that from my perspective, even though I know it's hard, I think it would be better for you to take your lessons and happy memories from these last several years and move on.

    Anyway, whatever happens, I'm sorry you're having a shit time. Keep us posted.

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Sorry to hear.

    I know you don't want to throw away something you've developed over 8 years but on the same token, if after 8 years its not working, its not working. Something has to give, something has to change. What that change is, only you two know.

    Sometimes a break can be good.

    I do hope you find the resolution that makes you happy. You seem like a really awesome lady who deserves to have romantic happiness with or without him.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Oh, girl. He says he still loves you, but is not in love with you. He broke down crying because he doesn't want to lose you after so much time. The longer you are with someone, the harder it is to let go of that person. He doesn't want to lose his partner and friend. But clearly, there is something going on with him.

    I think he's confused/ conflicted about your relationship. Is he in love with someone else? Does his feelings for you go back and forth? I just get the notion that he is torn with his feelings for you. When you asked him if he wanted you or not, and him saying, ""I don't know, I want you around all the time but sometimes I freak out and need to get away," is basically communicating his confusion to you. He doesn't really know what he wants. His heart is confused. Either that, or he is hiding something from you. Something is not being communicated on his end.

    I think taking a break will help the both of you clear your heads and reflect on things.

    I know it's hard to break up with someone you've been with for so long.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, Selina. I hope the both of you can figure it out and come to peace with everything. *hugs*
    Last edited by ScarletKitten; 01-25-2016 at 10:46 PM.
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    I've gotta agree with Tuesday that the whole " love but not in love" line is a cop out line, especially in long term relationships. It just means that things got tough and it isn't easy and breezy anymore and they don't want to or don't know how to keep putting in the effort. Relationships are fucking hard , and every relationship is tested at one point where it's either make or break..sounds like you guys are at this cross roads. It sounds to me as though you are willing to put in the effort and from readeing your posts you have, but he sounds very confused, emotionally immature, and going through some personal turmoil where he's not happy with himself or his situation and doesn't know what to do ans so he runs away basically.
    So Yes I think he will come back but unless he puts his money where his mouth is and actually makes some changes and SHOWS you instead of just words, then I would think twice about putting yourself through this again.
    something has to change for the pattern to break. Sounds like he needs personal and relationship counselling

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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Is it possible that you're feeling more sad about the rejection, or about the thought of having to start over in a new relationship after this one ends, or about potentially losing your friendship with him?

    I'm definitely not the type who looks for passionate, rollercoaster relationships (I'm much more on the logical side of things), and I don't know all of the details about what you two do or don't have, but...I will say that I've been expecting your relationship to come to an end, and I get the sense that you'd be better off without him. I know that sounds super harsh. I just get the sense that you spend more effort mothering him than is worth it. You're an ambitious woman with big plans ahead of you. If things are already rocky, how will you two make it through more serious life changes?

    Just rambling...

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    I need to toss in to this. I, of course, have no idea what he is thinking, but from my own experiences... When I told my ex husband I wanted a divorce I cried for days before and after, even though I was the one who wanted to split up. It hurts for the person who wants to leave too, just because they don't want to be with you doesn't mean they don't have feelings for you, they know it hurts you and it hurts them too.
    Don't assume he's crying because he's conflicted, he could be crying because he knows what has to happen. I would give him a few days and see if he wants to meet. If he doesn't, that speaks volumes.

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and hope things turn up for the better..

    Break, technically "breakup" often is a comfort word to those who may still have hope that something remain. By tossing your feelings around on "what if" you are setting yourself up for a chance at emotional failure and the pain felt now may take longer to heal. It is crucial that you focus on yourself at this moment, instead of blocking out memories, erasing or lingering try to accept what you've learned in those 6 years.

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Honestly, I somehow felt I would (unfortunately) read a post like this from you. Not because I wanted to see it and not because I wanted you to go through this. It's just a relationship crossroads, like Simone wrote. I felt like your last few posts were in the "bargaining" phrase, like "if only I could change this about myself…." I'd google the "five stages of grief" if you are not familiar with it. FWIW, I feel like your fiancé is bouncing between the anger or denial stages. I digress.

    Going to your mother's, isn't really "taking a break" in my mind. That's just going to your mother's place so you can work out some things in your head, get some space and perspective, and help organize your thoughts and feelings. Normal couples sometimes do that from time to time. My wife has gone to her mother's and it was helpful for both her and me at the time and at the place we were (stuck) at relationship-wise. Most normal, emotionally mature men would miss you while you are away and shape up, but I think I might have to agree with Tuesdaymarie above, I don't know that he would change much from just this small time away from one another. For me, taking a break, is essentially a break up, it's just both sides haven't admitted it yet.

    If he's not back soon (like 24 hours soon, or no more than 48 hours soon), he's not going to get better, not without hitting rock-bottom at least. This isn't a break; it's cancer hospice. The two of you will grieve and get over it. He's just not man enough to pull the plug; he's making you do that.

    You have plans and a future. You're not his parent.

    You deserve better.



    ETA:

    Quote Originally Posted by Selina M View Post
    and I know it is fixable if we try.

    He has never been ok with therapists; very private and doesn't like spilling guts to a stranger.
    (There's a look of consternation on my face). He's immature and not unfixable. But. (consternation). He's going to be a lot of work. You're going to have to finish what he neglected to have when he matured. The best IMO tactic in your arensal is ugly couples' fights. My wife and I had a couple good ones and it helped us immensely. We had one the night after we met and are big one a few years ago. The difference is, he needs to stay and take it on the chin. He's not doing that. If he stops shutting down, and is receptive, he can internalize it, and grow.

    And pls don't take what I write to be insensitive. I am brutally honest at times and you can flame back, if it helps.

    I'm sorry for your loss.



    ETA:

    I also realize the irony of a male customer posting relationship advice to a female sexworker on a professional sexworker networking site, when said customer claims he has a healthy, functioning relationship. It is indeed unusual, that irony is not lost on me. I *do* need a new hobby.
    Last edited by Dominic.2; 01-25-2016 at 08:32 PM. Reason: added more, now it's a wall of text, sorry

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    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    Relationships are fucking hard
    You know what though? Some really really aren't.
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    You know what though? Some really really aren't.
    Yeah, I'm in this boat. My partner and I each have our own individual issues that we deal with as a team - the relationship is my rock, no matter how crazy things get for us individually. I do know that what we have is rare. Until you experience it for yourself, it's hard to have faith that such a thing exists. (We've been together for nearly ten years and have been through some seriously extreme stuff together)

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    ^^^ fucking exactly.
    "Do you do tech support in exclusive?"

    Don't call me BB...I'm not the prime minister of Israel!



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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    ^^^ fucking exactly.
    I feel like an asshole posting that in a breakup thread, but I know Selina is younger...it's hardly time to consider settling for someone who clearly isn't ideal! I don't believe in the "make it work" mantra unless kids are involved..

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    I feel like an asshole posting that in a breakup thread, but I know Selina is younger...it's hardly time to consider settling for someone who clearly isn't ideal! I don't believe in the "make it work" mantra unless kids are involved..
    I don't believe in it even if kids are involved. Kids do better with happily divorced parents than with parents who are staying together despite the relationship not meeting their needs.

    And you're not being an asshole...You're showing people that relationships that "just fit" are out there, and that no one needs to settle for less. I think that internet dating is really helpful with this; I can't imagine dating without the internet were I to be single again because it's just such a useful resource to save time and save bullshit.

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Relationships should not always be hard all the time and I'm certainly not condoning staying with somebody who is abusive or Just not trying and letting you keep the relationship together on your own, or somebody you are always fighting with or anything like that..but all long term relationships need work, communication, seeing things from their perspective, etc. its not a Disney movie where you find your soul mate and everything is always easy and perfect and nobody ever fights. Some of,the healthiest longest relationships I've seen got that way because of hard times not butterflies is what I'm saying. but I'm not advocating staying with some dude who isn't willing to commit. It's knowing when to fight for it ( and the other person has to want to as well) and when to let go.

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Selina, I keep hoping to hear that you're moving out of the desert. I feel like the desert sucks so much energy and positivity out of people (that was my impression after living there for two years), and it's not the most educated / financially solid part of the country (when I left, the area was still struggling to recover after the recession). It's a tough region for both dancing and dating. With your hustle skills, I'd love to hear how things go for you in another region. And I'm curious how a new area would affect other aspects of your life.

    I know I've said that before and it wasn't in the cards for you, but I'm obnoxiously saying it again!

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    I'm really sorry to hear all this. I don't have much useful advice, but I remember you mentioning he had some chemical dependency issues in the past. I've been there. When those lead to legal issues-I think you mentioned he was on probation at one point-it's a huge blow to your self esteem. It's a constant struggle not to-in my case, drink-every day and it feels so mediocre compared to those around you doing well, like you going to medical school soon. That's just one possibility I can explain from his side. Anyway, really sorry and I hope things work out for the best. *Hugs*
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    This might sound counterintuitive, but I have to say I absolutely disagree with everyone telling you to try and take time to work it out. I've read your post and only skimmed over others, but just hear me out for a minute:

    You already have been trying to work it out with him--and guess what? It's not working. You've known each other 8 years and he still can't decide? He's wasting your time. And you hanging around trying to work things out turns you into a security blanket that he will run back to time and time again, when life doesn't work out the way he expected it to, only to drop you when his latest bright idea looks better than you.

    None of my friends ever believe me when I give them this advice: disappear. FOR MONTHS (no short cuts)! Block him from Facebook, block his number, remove all of his pictures from everywhere and focus on yourself. Make new friends. Go skydiving for fuck's sake, or do something that you've been scared to because you were afraid of his reaction. Get a grief counselor. Every man I have ever disappeared on before has come crawling back, and with a much better attitude. Only by that time, I realized that life was far more beautiful without them. You may feel differently. 8 years is no joke, and things will take time. But I promise you that if you cut the cord and he finds out just what life is like without you, and it really sicks in that you might not come back, he will search you out. They ALWAYS do--especially after this kind of relationship. Even after fucking some other dumb broad--there's no replacement for true love and support.

    I say this with nothing but sympathy and warmth in my heart for you girl, because I've been there--recently, in fact. I wanted to die--until I almost did (went into shock over a new medication, but that's another story). That was the day I realized that there are literally so many things to live for, other than someone else and his drama. <3

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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    I've gotta agree with Tuesday that the whole " love but not in love" line is a cop out line, especially in long term relationships. It just means that things got tough and it isn't easy and breezy anymore and they don't want to or don't know how to keep putting in the effort.
    I have to disagree with this part just because I've been the one who eventually loved but wasn't IN love with the person I was with. We were together for 4 years and just finally broke up a few months ago because I just wasn't in love with him anymore. I started seeing him as a best friend and that was it. I mean it got to the point where I still loved hanging out with him everyday but I avoided any kissing/cuddling/sex because I really just wasn't in love with him. I loved him as a person and didnt want to lose him altogether but it just wasn't the same anymore.

    Your fiancé just sounds confused. Maybe he just isn't happy with where he's at in life and it may or may not have anything to do with you. I mean that's how I was before I broke up with my ex and it turned out being single and moving to a new state was what I needed to do to be happy. Not saying that is what your fiancé will need to do to be happy lol maybe he just needs to rediscover what he loves to do as an individual since you've both been together for so long. And I know Selina you've talked about medical school and you seem to know where you're going in life but maybe he doesn't? That can really be confusing and stressful for a person. In my opinion a break really can be productive. Two years is a long time to be in a unit with another person. Sometimes two people just need to be alone to really figure out what they want in life as individuals and that doesn't necessarily mean it will lead to a break up. If anything a break can really make you appreciate and love the other person even more once you see what life is like without them.

    I know a lot of people are against breaks but that's just how I view them. Also, the fact that he was bawling like a baby shows that he really does care about you and is just really confused. It would be a warning sign if he wasn't showing any emotion and didn't seem to care anymore. If I were you I would spend a little more time at the parents house and focus on work/school/yourself while your fiancé figures out what he wants.

    I'm sorry you're gong thru all of this though
    Last edited by 22lligm; 01-26-2016 at 04:18 PM.

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  40. #22
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    You sound like a great person who has her act together. I think you've outgrown this guy - he doesn't have a viable career started and he's in his twenties? You can find a great guy who loves you and ALSO is stable and can provide for any family you might want in the future. Life is so much easier if are aren't constantly worried about money, or having to be the sole provider. I'm older than you and was once dumped by a guy like this and I'm so happy about it now.

    Hope I haven't offended you, just think this will be for the best. Good luck!!!!

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  42. #23
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Hey guys, I'm not dead. I stayed away from this post because everything hurt.

    We split up this morning.

    After that post I left for several days and returned to booze bottles everywhere. He was obviously relieved and happy to see me but once he came home from work he was again in a bad mood. We tried again after another fight. I came back this morning and that happened.

    Rhaenys, we were not dating 8 years, we were friends for 6 but one of us was always dating someone else until 2 years ago. I would never deal with this for that long!

    Charlie, i am not happy about restarting my life basically but I guess we had such an intense love that it never occurred to me to give up. The hardest part is honestly (and this sounds silly) that we both felt we had been pushed together and never allowed to get too far apart so that we were "meant to be".

    He's given me a LOT of conflicting statements. I tore him a new one to the point of inducing a panic attack today about how he always gives up when shit gets hard and his whole life is like that. How he sabotages everything good. So yeah that's part of his issue.

    He confessed that a few months ago the thought "do I really love her" popped into his head and he ruminated on it to the point of convincing himself it didn't feel right. Same with "I know I don't wanna lose you but do I cling to that or worry because everything else is confused". He admitted he needed to see if the anxiety was relieved when I left and if it outweighed missing me. Fucked up to leave me hanging I know. I'm thoroughly convinced he has relationship OCD which isn't surprising given his panic attacks and anxiety.

    Since this has been going on he's already been rebounding with an 18 year old (he's almost 30). He's been out partying every night. Midlife crisis, indeed. I know he needs help. I know he still has romantic feelings for me; it was tangible for fucks sake on Christmas; you don't get that unless you still have those feelings; he's just confused and hidden that shit so far down and as usual would rather run when shit gets hard.

    His own dad seems to think he has lost his marbles and tried to talk sense into him. He then told me not to stop trying in this knowing tone. Sigh.

    So here I am at the lovely people who board my horses house, trying to figure out what I want to do. I had to find somewhere not tainted by him. It's all hard as we were tied together for 2 years and the whole city has memories. I've gone through a phase of not even wanting to be a stripper anymore, because I associate THAT with him (I went full time to fund our first apt). I haven't worked or gone to class since posting this. I need to pick the pieces of my life up and start over.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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  44. #24
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    Sorry this has gone badly, but look, you are gorgeous and smart and any number of guys with fewer issues will be glad to be with you.

    I think this guy has overthought the relationship

    someday he will realize that a relationship is not daisies and rainbows day after day. As much as it would be awesome to wake every morning thinking, god I love this woman, that is not reality, cause bitchez is annoying[sorry]

    I think you are lucky to be out, a painful as it is now

    So often relationships are about timing, in five or ten years he maybe perfect for the you that is now, but not the one that you will be then...............

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  46. #25
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    Default Re: Taking a relationship break...

    ^ thank you for your kind words and perspective I always enjoy your posts.

    I told him the same thing; he is overthinking and panicking and needs to just get out of his head. Does not help that I am his only gf who hasn't been psycho or a junkie/alcoholic; I think he almost doesn't know how to function without the drama. I think he got terrified I would leave because it wasn't rainbows and daisies and decided to try shutting off his feelings for me. Now he has a convenient rebound to blow smoke up his ass and quell the emptiness. My manager heard the story and shook his head, stating "He can run now, but he can't hide, and one day the pain train is gonna hit him hard and he will realize what he fucked up."

    The more I tell the story, the more I'm like "wow this sounds stupid that I'M sad over HIM".

    I feel the story is not over and that we are going to be pushed together again, but ain't no WAY I'm touching a relationship until he has had some therapy and worked on his issues. As bad as I miss him and as much as it hurts, I am not going through this again.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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