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Thread: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

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    Mind Blowing Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Why do a large percentage of men, know deep down they can't or won't be monogamous, but they get in committed monogamous relationships only to cheat on their girlfriends/wives???

    Why not just be true to themselves and have open relationships or move to utah and marry more than one wife???
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Got me. When I was married I was faithful. I was raised in a religious family so that helped. Now I have two sponsorettes and a regular woman I see casually. That works great for me.

    My guess is they want the stability of a home life and the excitement of side flings. Have your cake and eat it too.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    I think it might have something to do with men being ok with themselves seeing multiple women, but don't want the gf/wife to see multiple men.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Because sometimes they may meet someone who they really end up connecting with however, deep down there is a chance they are aware their sex drive may be different and more intensely demanded. (Some end up holding off sex till they are in a relationship to know if they connect.) There are ways of releasing that urge without having to cheat on someone else and put them at risk of emotional pain/heart break, its important to get urges out of your system prior to commitment or seeking a long term relationship through dating. If you have to tell someone "Hold on, I'm not ready for a relationship.." then you should do so, without pressure when it comes to making a decision that involves another person. Sometimes, people just like to cheat and its the feeling of not getting caught that can release a rush of endorphins encouraging straying behavior making it difficult for those genuinely seeking. (A majority of woman cheat equally as men do too, underneath it all is instinctive/selfishness like "Have your cake and eat it too!")
    Last edited by BambiCutie; 01-27-2016 at 07:37 AM.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Why do a large percentage of men, know deep down they can't or won't be monogamous, but they get in committed monogamous relationships only to cheat on their girlfriends/wives???

    Why not just be true to themselves and have open relationships or move to utah and marry more than one wife???
    I think you bring up a very good point. There is a real difference between fidelity and monogamy. Fidelity is being faithful to your spouse, while monogamy is having sex only with your spouse - those two are not the same thing. A couple can be 100% faithful and yet not monogamous, as long as both parties agree to the boundaries of their relationship. Even the Bible agrees with this concept: polygamy/polyamory is allowed and praised in the Bible, yet adultery is condemned, so clearly there is a difference. People with multiple spouses were never said to be "unfaithful." So a couple can have a wonderful non-monogamous relationship and still be entirely faithful, and I think this is actually healthy for many, if not most people.

    My wife and I have a somewhat open relationship - really more like an "expansive" relationship. We are both fine with purely physical hook-ups, but have a strict rule about no emotional connections with others. So we are ok with 1-night stands, but not ok with dating other people. For example, if my wife went out with her girlfriends, found a really hot guy at a bar or club and they ended up hooking up that night, I would be perfectly fine with it and even happy for her. But if she met some guy and started dating him - even if there was no sex - I would feel very betrayed, and she would feel the same about me. At the same time, I realize my wife definitely finds other men more attractive than me. She likes really tall men with thick hair - I am not tall and my hair is decidedly thinning! I know she loves me and is devoted to me, so why deprive her of the fun and pleasure of a guy that really turns her on physically? Both of us realize sexual attraction to others is natural - why fight it and miss out on a fun, harmless encounter?

    That said, we are pretty vanilla people: neither of us are into porn, swinging, and neither of us have ever actually come close to having sex with anyone else since we've been married. She's danced with other guys and exchanged "dirty" texts with other guys, but that's about it. And we both really like strippers...

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    I (partially) blame the Madonna-whore complex. Men marry, and especially after their wife becomes a mother, she becomes "Madonna" and the guy really wants to fuck a "whore."

    http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-prie...-like-in-2015/

    As much as most women would want equality in such openness, some women enjoy the cuckqueen thing and often describe their relationship as "mono/poly." The relationships like this that I've seen have always been TPE m/s relationships.

    But that's hardly the norm for TPE relationships. I'm in one, and there's no way I'd be with him if he wanted me to be monogamous.

    It's like sexual orientation, for me. It's not about being in a non-monogamous relationship- it's that I'm not a monogamous *person.* And I discovered this while in a monogamous relationship in which I briefly cheated.
    Last edited by luvnrockets; 01-27-2016 at 11:04 AM.
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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Why do a large percentage of men, know deep down they can't or won't be monogamous, but they get in committed monogamous relationships only to cheat on their girlfriends/wives???

    Why not just be true to themselves and have open relationships or move to utah and marry more than one wife???
    Pretty simple. Selfishness. They want their solid relationship, but secret side girls bc they do NOT want the spouse doing the same or flip out on something she wasn't aware of/agreed upon. Men like that can't grasp on the idea of their S.O. being with someone else, bc of jealousy. It's unfair and hypocritical. Douchebaggery at it's finest.


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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Probably because they want some side action but think their wives should stay loyal. This guy thought his girlfriend wasn't pretty enough to get much in the way of sexual attention of men, but it turns out, he just wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.

    http://groupthink.kinja.com/open-rel...dit-1578365204

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    I agree it's selfishness, plain and simple. If you know you're not the monogamous type, then let your S.O. go so that they can find happiness with someone who will be faithful to them. If you know you're a man whore then be a man whore, but don't drag your wife and family down with you. That's completely fucked up. Guys who think that this is "normal" and they aren't hurting anyone are completely delusional.

    Honestly I don't know how married guys get away with it, unless they're traveling all the time...? Both my husbands spent most of all their free time with me (as they should.) Neither of us really had an opportunity to cheat even if we wanted to. Married men should be with their wives/families, spending time together if they're not working. If your wife isn't pleasing you sexually then talk about it, go to therapy, divorce or jerk off.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    Honestly I don't know how married guys get away with it, unless they're traveling all the time...?
    Working late at the "office." It could even be someone connected to his work that he'll end up with, so they could be getting it on over lunch or whatever.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    I agree it's selfishness, plain and simple. If you know you're not the monogamous type, then let your S.O. go so that they can find happiness with someone who will be faithful to them. If you know you're a man whore then be a man whore, but don't drag your wife and family down with you. That's completely fucked up. Guys who think that this is "normal" and they aren't hurting anyone are completely delusional.

    Honestly I don't know how married guys get away with it, unless they're traveling all the time...? Both my husbands spent most of all their free time with me (as they should.) Neither of us really had an opportunity to cheat even if we wanted to. Married men should be with their wives/families, spending time together if they're not working. If your wife isn't pleasing you sexually then talk about it, go to therapy, divorce or jerk off.
    While I agree with the gist of what you're saying, that was some pretty anti-poly wording there. Monogamy is not better than non-monogamy.
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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Selfishness, absolutely.

    Obviously, I'm not a man, but I was a serial cheater during my first serious relationship (which was like 8 years ago and I haven't cheated on anyone since, FYI). I was rude and thoughtless towards my boyfriend because I was not at all ready for commitment, but I still wanted the security and comfort of a committed relationship. I didn't value him as a human being, so I thought it was acceptable to do something that I knew was devastatingly hurtful to him. Of course, I wasn't that callous about it at the time. I was just like, "But, but... That other dude is hot!" Having your cake and eating it too, like BambiCutie said.

    Anyway, when it comes to men and cheating, I think men are socialized to believe that access to female sexuality is their right. That's why customers get mad when you won't give them free shit. That's why Janese Talton-Jackson was recently shot and killed for turning a man down. And that's why grown men who are otherwise responsible and rational think there's nothing wrong with cheating. They want a nice house, kids, and a white picket fence, but they also want to fuck hot bitches, and they don't care about dishonestly betraying their partner to get it.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    While I agree with the gist of what you're saying, that was some pretty anti-poly wording there. Monogamy is not better than non-monogamy.
    At no point did I state that monogamy is better than polygamy. I didn't even mention polygamy so I don't know where you're getting that from. I'm anti CHEATING. I do have friends in open relationships and it works fine for them, but there's no going behind each others' backs and being deceitful.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    Married men should be with their wives/families, spending time together if they're not working.
    That part. Many men and women do other things with their time as well. Sometimes there is time to be with others cause it's a priority. I know you didn't mention polyamory or polygamy but not every healthy marriage is as you described, as ones with emphasis on seeing other partners are quite different.
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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    The key is finding a like-minded partner. Whatever your preferred lifestyle. And honesty. Many polly people have secure committed relationships and still 'date on the side'. Polly is becoming more acceptable, although still far from the norm, and makes many vanilla folks' heads explode...

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    Selfishness, absolutely.

    Obviously, I'm not a man, ...<snip>, but I still wanted the security and comfort of a committed relationship. ...<snip> I was just like, "But, but... That other dude is hot!" Having your cake and eating it too, like BambiCutie said. ...<snip>
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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by CFMNH44 View Post
    The key is finding a like-minded partner. Whatever your preferred lifestyle. And honesty. Many polly people have secure committed relationships and still 'date on the side'. Polly is becoming more acceptable, although still far from the norm, and makes many vanilla folks' heads explode...
    Interesting. One of the reasons I was thinking was the stigma especially in conservative areas. Do you think some guys are scared of the stigma? If so, this could explain why they chose traditional marriages/relationships and take on extra marital affairs in secret.
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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Interesting. One of the reasons I was thinking was the stigma especially in conservative areas. Do you think some guys are scared of the stigma? If so, this could explain why they chose traditional marriages/relationships and take on extra marital affairs in secret.
    Yes, they are absolutely afraid of the stigma. I feel like most men are total narcissists when it comes to protecting their "good reputation". If they were open about living a poly lifestyle, society would view them differently, like freaks (because lets face it, that is how society tends to view those people). 99% of my customers are established career professionals with families. Their image is everything to them, and if word got out that they lived that kind of lifestyle, it would hurt their image that they worked so hard to create. By doing everything secretly, they are able to maintain their reputation while having the fun they crave (having their cake and eating it too). A lot of these men also come from conservative families who would never accept them having open relationships. Of course, these reasons are certainly not excuses! I hate secrecy and dishonesty of this kind more than anything.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    To be fair, there are men and women who truly think they want a monogamous relationship only to find ways to sabotage them. And I would say a large portion of them, it has more to do with themselves than their partners as to why.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Whether or not they have the courage to be advocates for poly, most straight men, I'd say 90%, do not turn down pussy ever. Gay men are no better, they just don't turn down sausage. Even if it puts everything they have at grave risk, they will go ahead and have sex with a willing partner rather than say "I missed out".

    The only defense against this is escorts, or complete honesty.... Which is why there is a such a demand for escorts.
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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    Whether or not they have the courage to be advocates for poly, most straight men, I'd say 90%, do not turn down pussy ever. Gay men are no better, they just don't turn down sausage. Even if it puts everything they have at grave risk, they will go ahead and have sex with a willing partner rather than say "I missed out".

    The only defense against this is escorts, or complete honesty.... Which is why there is a such a demand for escorts.
    This is a good point.

    But I am still confused though as how they'd risk potentially loosing wives and immediate families (if caught cheating) vs. loosing extended family and friends knowing they deep down prefer alternative lifestyle. To me loosing spouse and family would be more important than losing friends and extended family members.

    Or maybe they feel like wives are usually more forgiving.
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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    This is a good point.

    But I am still confused though as how they'd risk potentially loosing wives and immediate families (if caught cheating) vs. loosing extended family and friends knowing they deep down prefer alternative lifestyle. To me loosing spouse and family would be more important than losing friends and extended family members.

    Or maybe they feel like wives are usually more forgiving.

    I agree it is confusing. Why would you care what your neighbor or great uncle Jim thinks, but be ready to hurt your own children? Why do so many people get married to people they are already cheating on? Stats on cheating seem to say at least 50% of married men cheat (plenty of women do too).

    But I also think social isolation is very scary to people. They look at being ostracized and say, I'll just lie and hope I don't get caught. How depressing! That means we're literally surrounded by sad liars and cheaters.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    This is a good point.

    But I am still confused though as how they'd risk potentially loosing wives and immediate families (if caught cheating) vs. loosing extended family and friends knowing they deep down prefer alternative lifestyle. To me loosing spouse and family would be more important than losing friends and extended family members.

    Or maybe they feel like wives are usually more forgiving.
    I think some of it is due to societal pressure. When I was married I was happy and never thought about cheating. Even after my financial situation changed and I had employees chasing me it never occurred to me to cheat. Now I suppose I'm in an alternative lifestyle since I'm with multiple women. But, I always have an age-appropriate non-sb woman that I'm seeing. I make it clear that I'm not looking for a committed relationship and many women my age are ok with that. (some even prefer it) Certain events and holidays with my family go much easier if I bring that type of friend with me. At this point in my life I don't need to worry what anyone thinks but I'm still affected by societal pressure (and my parents).

    Men are mostly hard-wired to like women in their 20s-30s. While I love being with someone my age (who can actually dance salsa), I am more physically attracted to someone younger than myself. Also there is the Coolidge effect that men respond better to new sexual partners. I'm lucky enough where I can do this without having to lie to anyone or cheat behind someones back. I think some married guys feel that they need to cheat to pull this off.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    I'm a married woman and I don't believe for a minute it's just men who respond better to new sex partners. I know plenty of married women who have cheated because the sex got stale or nonexistent after time passed. The sex has already dropped off in my marriage and boy would I bang this other guy so hard and all night if I had the chance and could get away with it. I fantasize about it all the time. I don't believe the hard wired thing either. Women are also attracted to young, virile traits. None of my friends who cheated did it with an over forty because dad bods and receding hairlines aren't all that hot to us either.

    And damn! Those fat women with a Kate Plus Eight hairstyle sit and whine about their husbands cheating! How do they think that look is remotely attractive to anyone?

    The whole open marriage with boundaries thing is ridiculous too. "You can screw someone but you're not allowed to like them or spend any time getting to know them." The two swinging couples I knew both ended their marriages because they ended up breaking those boundaries. I mean I have to like someone to want to sleep with them. And I like them beyond just their bodies. Most people do. Not everyone can objectify another human being down to an empty body that includes men too.

    Affairs happen all the time on both sides. Women do it all the time! We're great liars seriously.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by jekka View Post
    I'm a married woman and I don't believe for a minute it's just men who respond better to new sex partners. I know plenty of married women who have cheated because the sex got stale or nonexistent after time passed. The sex has already dropped off in my marriage and boy would I bang this other guy so hard and all night if I had the chance and could get away with it. I fantasize about it all the time. I don't believe the hard wired thing either. Women are also attracted to young, virile traits. None of my friends who cheated did it with an over forty because dad bods and receding hairlines aren't all that hot to us either.

    And damn! Those fat women with a Kate Plus Eight hairstyle sit and whine about their husbands cheating! How do they think that look is remotely attractive to anyone?

    The whole open marriage with boundaries thing is ridiculous too. "You can screw someone but you're not allowed to like them or spend any time getting to know them." The two swinging couples I knew both ended their marriages because they ended up breaking those boundaries. I mean I have to like someone to want to sleep with them. And I like them beyond just their bodies. Most people do. Not everyone can objectify another human being down to an empty body that includes men too.

    Affairs happen all the time on both sides. Women do it all the time! We're great liars seriously.
    I agree with much of this. My wife would be the first to admit she likes the idea of sex with other men as much or more than I like the idea of sex with other women. And that's perfectly fine and natural - she's on Tinder and I encourage her to hook up with a guy if the opportunity arises.

    Where I disagree is your take on open relationships with boundaries. I think every couple is different and should tailor their relationship to what works for them - different couples will do well with different degrees of openness. As I mentioned above, my relationship is open to purely physical, random encounters. That doesn't mean you can't connect with or get to know the other person. My wife fell hard for her personal trainer last year (cliché, I know) and we considered her approaching him about a fuck buddy type relationship. In the end we decided against it because he is also married and we weren't sure his wife would be ok with it. We both knew and liked the guy, but if they starting having sex it would be just that - there wouldn't be any dating or emotional entanglement.

    I guess my point is that boundaries can work in an open relationship - as long as both spouses are clearly committed and on board with those boundaries. My wife and I both value our marriage immensely, and we believe those help maintain the relationship in a strong way.

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    Default Re: Open Relationships and Polygamy..........

    Quote Originally Posted by jekka View Post
    Affairs happen all the time on both sides. Women do it all the time! We're great liars seriously.
    I know women cheat but in general, more men cheat than women. Or at least men are just getting caught more often.

    I say this because overall society is more accepting of men having multiple women, being studs and players. If they cheat on their girlfriends or wives they are usually forgiven and taken back (especially if they're wealthy/providing financially) where as women are seen as sluts and whores if they're with multiple dudes. If they cheat the dude dumps her and rarely forgives.
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