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Thread: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

  1. #1
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Duh Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Ok so I am so busy thinking about lots of things going on in my life that I don't remember one of my family members birthday.

    Anyhow I feel like it may be an argument but I want to avoid if possible and wondering what to do about this birthday situation.

    So She text me talking about some "oh I guess you forgot his birthday the other day, you must not have done anything to help you to remember" and I haven't responded because 1) yes its partly my fault for not remembering but 2) I feel like if the bitch really cared about someone remembering his birthday she would have messaged like 'hey heads up everyone, its my husbands birthday be sure to message him' in advance or at least the day of.

    I loathe when people try to pull passive aggressive moves / guilt trips. I feel like she intentionally didn't say anything about his birthday to see who all would remember and who would forget then run a guilt trip on the pitiful souls who forgot and slick be like 'after everything we've done for you how could you forget' type level.

    Am I going overboard? Should I ignore her message or respectfully say something about her message?

    *Thanks so much for the helpful responses*
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 02-05-2016 at 10:46 PM.
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  3. #2
    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Her response to you forgetting was pretty inappropriate, but it's the kind of shit some people are used to saying cause people have let them get away with it for so long.

    If it were me, I'd probably respond with "yeah, I'm sorry, I forgot. I feel bad," and leave it at that. If she goes on and on, I would not respond. If you've already apologized there's no point in continuing to try to make you feel bad, that's just mean.
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    I think:
    "Oh my gaawwwd, I cannot beleeeeeeve I forgot, I have been soooooooooooo busy, I am so going to get him something AWESOME to make up for it."

    should cover it.

    personally I just don't allow this crap in my life. I mean, I love people and am a say what I'll do and do what I say sort of person, so if I didn't say I would fawn all over you for your birthday, STFU.

    Shit, I don't remember my own birthday half the time.

    I know I have said this here before, but I live my life with one metaphorical eyebrow up, as in 'what, am I supposed to respond to that?' People figure that out in a hurry. They deal or they don't

    Other people's feelings are not your responsibility, so it is possible to care about people without internalizing their bullshit.

    So in some way that makes sense to you, you have to have a conversation with them along the lines of, 'love you, care about you, not always going to look like I do, OK?'

    I dunno, maybe I am the most self absorbed person on the planet..............

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Initially I thought you forgot about her birthday not the husbands birthday. Pffffft. In-laws don't matter as much. She's being a little unreasonable there.

    About the birthday? You can't undo it. Just let it roll off you and don't let it bother you. Next year, be sure to call her husband and wish him a happy birthday. Put a calendar reminder in your smartphone with the correct telephone number to use.

    In the meantime, here's what I would do. This will re-earn you some brownie points with your older, snubbed family member. Make a note of the 2-3 people in the family who are most important to her (her own birthday, her sister, her kids, her own mother, etc.) all of whom have birthdays coming up soon (like in within the next 1-6 months). BE SURE TO CALL and CALL THEM EARLY. CALL the DAY BEFORE, if you have too. The point is you want to call before snubbed family member calls them, so they say, "oh, yeah, I've already got birthday calls from miss.a.p., and so-and-so, etc."). You'll get silent brownie points accumulated over time.

    RE: your bullets #1 and #2 from Paragraph #3

    No one really expects you to remember. At least not really. Most families have a monthly wall calendar in the kitchen or some other central place in the home, and birthdays and other important dates are written on it. Heck my birthday on this site isn't my real birthday (it's close) but the first 5 years we were together my wife could never remember it and I'd always get my present early on my SW b-day (she can't remember our anniversary date either). So, not everyone is good with dates. You're not alone. She's being unreasonable.

    RE: your paragraph #4

    She is. You were baited. 50:50 odds she thought she would hook you and she did. Get and use a calendar. No one should be expected to remember ALL of the CRAP we have to remember for modern life. And for an in-law? Give me a break! If I know the type, she probably did set you up to fail and is being catty about it now. My guess is everyone else in the family lets her get away with it and for far too long, like luvnrockets suggested.

    If you don't care to do all of that (and I don't blame you) then oldster's advice works for me. Don't let it get to you.

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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    I think she still feels youre very much indebted to her and expects you to pay her back in puppy duties -- unconditional attention and loyal without question. I know someone like that who often lends out money and expects a lot of favors in return -- running errands or hanging out with him and getting shit faced drunk and partying on a regular basis bc thats all he likes to do and he doesnt have any real friends, just ppl who want to squeeze money out of him. He becomes absolutely furious is anyone tries to argue w him over little things bc of course where do they have the nerve to call him out on anything when they owe him money??? That's a more extreme example but the idea is the same that they expect their particular friendship to be put on a pedestal for as long as u carry the debt.

    I would just apologize, don't trip over it too much, but definitely put a plan together on paying her back somehow. It's really the only way to cut that toxicity out of your life.
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    It sounds like this birthday thing is a symptom of a larger issue.

    For now say you didn't text, because you sent a birthday card via snail male, it felt like a more meaningful geasture, then pick a nice birthday or all purpose card, get an envelop and stamp it, then deliver it yourself, but blame the delay on the fucking goddamn mail system

    Longer term you have to change the balance of power between you and your relatives, you want them to feel grateful to you, instead of as belevant care takers. Take the initiative, find out what they want and what they need, and get or do it for them before they ask, then sublte point out that your taking care of them. Then you won't feel so indebt to them and they you always have to submit to their authority and if they lay down a guilt trip, you can do so in kind.

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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    "Oh shit! That was X date? I've been so busy with XYZ that I totally spaced. Next time, give me a heads up a few days before something THAT important, so I definitely won't forget."

    I don't remember things and people have stopped expecting me to. It's not that I don't want to or don't care, but rather that chemo wrecked my memory. It happens. If anyone needs me to remember something, they remind me ahead of time or make me put a note in my phone calendar. My vet's office calls me the mourning of an appointment, rather than the day before, because I will forget.

    If it's so important, they can give you a courtesy reminder.

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  15. #8
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    *update*

    So she continues today to run a guilt trip and requests I do a video chat (even though I already sent a text to him) but whatever I oblige.

    Then afterwards I give the broad a piece of my mind saying that if it was so important a friendly advance reminder would have been nice. Then she gives some fake apology.

    I also discovered my other relatives reminded each other of his birthday but not me. Wtf?!?

    This is not what real families do. Being secretive and seeing who would remember and who would forget. And keeping score of those who forget to run guilt trips the next day. This is playing games and I'm tired of these people.

    And the irony is these fuckers forgot MY birthday this last year!

    I seriously feel like these people are conspiring against me. I'm ready to be adopted into a sane family!!!!
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Anything more than a "Happy Birthday" text for an adult is overkill. Well, unless it is a milestone birthday and the person went to the trouble of throwing a big party. If you blew off a party invite, I'd be irritated with you too.

    One of my biggest pet peeves is people who semi-commit to an event and decide they have better things to do later on without ever canceling. If there was no party, then yes, she is being stupid. Just ignore it.

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    RE: paragraph 3&4

    The other relatives may have only helped "closely knit" relatives (from their POV) and all involved individually assumed either you knew birthday date or they assumed someone else would remind you. (Never attribute to malice that which can easily be explained with stupidity!) Or maybe they were being passive aggressive and/or clique-y. Hard to say without you talking to them and that is assuming they give you the correct story.

    This woman may be looking to create or be part of a closely knit family (one that helps one another, obsessively) which might explain why she gave you monetary assistance when you needed it awhile ago. Is she expecting "puppy" tasks out of you? Probably. But I think they would ask for the puppy tasks regardless if they gave you the money or not and regardless if you paid it back in full or not. She probably expects "puppy" tasks from others as well. She may even feel like she's taking on the role of "matriarch" in the extended family (wild speculation on my part; take this with a grain of salt).

    They may be consciously or subconsciously punishing you for NOT being closely knit with the extended family. But, who knows? It could just be that everyone thought someone else would remind you instead of stopping to think whom that might be. They could have just legitimately forgotten to remind you just as you legitimately forgot the husband's birthday. ^Yay^ for family drama!

    Since you don't seem to want a closer relationship with these people, I would just let it roll off you.

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  21. #11
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Well that's the catch tour de Franzia. She told me she was having a small gathering 3 days in advance but failed to mention it was specifically for his birthday. So in my mind, I'm thinking it was just a regular get together and I told her I had plans (I had made 4 weeks in advance).

    I'm like if you would have said "im having a birthday party this Sunday" then I could have worked my schedule around or at least delivered a gift overnight or something. It's like she was purposely being vague to intentionally see who would forget. And then backtrack and force me into a guilt trip/late bday wish/apology out of "respect" to him and maybe her I have to comply. Who does that for their spouse birthday?!?

    You all are exactly right! She acts like the matriarch. I think she's good for arranging frequent gatherings with the extended family but it's just rough when I get around her she expects this "yes" man and I rebel against that shit but occasionally I feel forced into that role out of guilt - which is why I try to avoid them.

    I just wish I could enjoy family without all the mind games.

    I appreciate all the helpful responses and surprisingly accurate assessment of the situation!
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 02-08-2016 at 10:44 PM.
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    Veteran Member LilLadyLux's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    The best way to not get roped into drama is to pretend you didn't notice it and to respond accordingly. I have absolutely no problem letting people have their little shit fits by themselves, if you don't feed into at all they stop including you because your no fun, they need someone who will engage. The rest of your family probability didn't intend to not remind you, you just got left out of the loop this time, next time it could easily be someone else. IMO I wouldn't be upset with them, she is terribly out of line and a real shit stirrer from the sounds of it.
    Last edited by LilLadyLux; 02-08-2016 at 11:07 PM.

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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Have things been better?

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Thanks for asking. I will be able to tell within the next several days.
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    Default Re: Is This Passive Aggressive? What should I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    I also discovered my other relatives reminded each other of his birthday but not me. Wtf?!?

    This is not what real families do. Being secretive and seeing who would remember and who would forget. And keeping score of those who forget to run guilt trips the next day. This is playing games and I'm tired of these people.

    And the irony is these fuckers forgot MY birthday this last year!

    I seriously feel like these people are conspiring against me. I'm ready to be adopted into a sane family!!!!
    Her response was inappropriate in the first post, and now this? This really is a WTF situation. And you know what? They probably are conspiring against you, you are now the designated scapegoat for "everything wrong in the family". I know because I am the scapegoat of my extended family.


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