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  1. #1
    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Anyone else go through this?...

    So with dating, I noticed that ALL my friends who are "out" about sexwork (no matter the branch- escorting, webcam, stripping, sugarbaby, etc) can basically never get a man to marry them. Date for awhile, sure. Have sex with a lot, obviously. But marry? No.

    I'm not out about escorting. And I have had amazing relationships and been engaged multiple times where I walked away. Then I realized that all of my friends who are engaged or married who are sexworkers are also not out about it. Then I see girls with vanilla careers getting happily married all the time. People I genuinely know, so I know its not a facade.


    I wondered why this is...

    Then I realized... "good" guys often don't want the potential pitfalls of dating a sexworker. We are stereotyped to be promiscuous, wild, crazy, irresponsible, not good with money or investments, etc. Sadly, stereotypes DO influence people even if we try to present ourselves as the polar opposite. They do. Or racism would have ended completely, and there wouldn't be privileges.


    So I recently thought to myself: "Would I ever WANT a man who is okay with me being a sexworker?" No. Hell no. I deserve a man who wants me all to himself.

    And then I realized... "Why would he go out of his way to commit his entire life to a sexworker?" He would want her to quit, and even then there may still be a nagging voice in the back of his head wondering if she's secretly being sexy for other men because she's done it before and liked the attention or she wouldn't have been working that sexwork job. I know the latter makes no sense, but men really think that way, its stupid. I swear they do, ask your guy friends or exes.


    And then I thought more... It goes beyond that!

    Sexworkers are seen as terrible investments to marriage-minded men because the men would be getting the short end of the stick. We would need to quit when we get married, right? Obviously. Well this is a HORRIBLE deal from his end! We pour money into our appearance, we are used to big money and fast money, and we love to get dressed up in new clothes. We have a high quality of life to maintain. So what is that bad?

    Because if you don't have a different high-paying career immediately when you leave your sexwork job, he will be left paying the bills!

    And if he can afford paying for your lifestyle? He will want multiple women. Especially ones who are into sexworkers? They are often patrons of sexworkers whether they tell you or not (I found this out the hard way by running men's phone numbers that I date through escort safety websites lol). They will want multiple girls if they can afford a nice lifestyle, so you get the short end of the stick. If you object? They do it behind your back or soon trade you in for a new model when you least expect it.

    Its like a catch-22 where sexwork women lose, ugh.


    Does anyone else have experience with this?
    Last edited by red.velvet; 02-10-2016 at 08:10 PM. Reason: bold

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    God/dess Gia2608's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    I have had three serious relationships during the time I danced and was an adult model (and did a little bit of porn), as well as dated two other people more casually. None of them really gave a fuck. If they did, they certainly didn't ever express that either actively or passively. One of them did cheat on me but it is because he was a shitty person and a loser in general. It had nothing to do with my job or him thinking I was hooking up with other people.

    I also have a very close relationship with my ex (who I dated before I ever started dancing). He was def, hurt by the fact that he found out I had done some porn but he would get back with me in a second. he loves me and knows that that is something I did because it was what I had to do at the time, and is not who I am as a person. TBH he is probably who I will end up with.

    I have a good friend who married a very (10s of millions) wealthy man who she met through a SA type of website who knew she was a former dancer and escort. I also knew two former-escorts who were married to wealthy men they met while working and have seen many dancers and even porn girls with healthy, functioning relationships. I also live in greater Miami, which is a pretty hedonistic place. I am not sure if I lived in Bluebelle Alabama or Chastity Falls, KS or some foreign country where virginal women are the only type worthy of marriage. that this would be the case. It is a little bit more acceptable here for women to be "promiscuous" or at least sexually uninhibited.

    Some women are high maintenance as fuck and do not work in the adult world. Ex boyfriend (from paragraph 2) was dating some chick last year that stayed at home all day and stayed with hair and nails done, new clothes etc. all the time. He knew this before moving her into his house so... he obviously didn't see her as a poor "investment".

    And you stated you have been engaged several times; obviously YOU (OP) can get a man to marry you. It is you who chooses to walk away. This is the one part I do have experience with, Lol. My niece calls me a runaway bride. The fact that you are not in a relationship right now may very well mean that you are not there mentally. I certainly am not. Every time someone I know gets married (which is quite frequently at my age) I feel like they are walking two by two onto Noah's Ark... it seems so archaic and boring to me. I want to have more adventures and be selfish for awhile. Maybe you like being an escort. maybe you don't. Maybe you are inside your own head because you are ready to get out of the life and settle down....
    XoXo Gia
    Danielle Fishell (the Dish): "If the Super-Star thing doesn't work out, Gia makes a great stripper name"

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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    But how can you really know if he actually never gave a fuck, or just pretended not to and liked the sex? Kind of like institutionalized prejudices or institutionalized racism where everyone claims its illegal and doesn't exist, but it still does because people keep their REAL thoughts to themselves, as fucked up as it is.

    How many of those "wealthy men" that your friends married, are also secretly fucking tons and tons of girls and also never want kids or to actually settle down, though? Most seem to want a "primary partner" and not a wife or a spouse they are devoted to. Kind of like Holly Madison in the old Hugh Hefner situation. He wouldn't marry her or have kids.

    I just see my "out" sexworker friends date these guys or get into relationships, and one day it ends and he's engaged to a vanilla world girl. I really can't say that is a coincidence because I don't know.

    Yes I didn't get married because I was young and wanted to travel a bit more, and do other things first.

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    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    No. I have zero experience with this. I know where to find sex-positive, non-monogamous men who aren't idiots that fit your sexist stereotype.

    I'd say that if you want a monogamous guy, sex work is probably not the best line of work to get into. I don't blame guys wanting monogamy for getting jealous of their sex worker girlfriend/wife.
    Last edited by luvnrockets; 02-10-2016 at 08:36 PM.
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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    ^ We are talking about monogamous relationships, not non-monogamgy. Specifically, like I mentioned in the original post, monogamous marriage. Non-monogamy is a whole different ballgame and an easier game to play that really has nothing to do with my post or experiences.

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    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    ^ We are talking about monogamous relationships, not non-monogamgy. Specifically, like I mentioned in the original post, monogamous marriage. Non-monogamy is a whole different ballgame and an easier game to play that really has nothing to do with my post or experiences.
    Would you do me a favor then, and reword your post so it doesn't say things like "marriage-minded men" when that isn't inclusive of non-monogamous marriage-minded men? It perpetuates the stigma that poly people are commitment-phobes.

    It's most certainly not easier to be non-monogamous.

    Anyway, I think that sex workers who expect to find a purely monogamous man who is ok with them doing sex work are fooling themselves. You're not monogamous, so of course there would be jealously involved. I'm not saying it's not possible, but it sounds pretty rare.
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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    I think that sex workers who expect to find a purely monogamous man who is ok with them doing sex work are fooling themselves. You're not monogamous, so of course there would be jealously involved.
    That was my entire point with this thread lol

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    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    That was my entire point with this thread lol
    Yes, and I'm essentially agreeing with you. But you threw in a bunch of sexist shit too. Just sayin.
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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    Yes, and I'm essentially agreeing with you. But you threw in a bunch of sexist shit too. Just sayin.
    Well, I am talking about my own experience of monogamous male-female relationships and I am a female who works in the sexwork industry where I should look feminine in order to make a huge chunk of change in my specific adult profession. So this is just my own experience obviously and many other people have other situations, but this is me and why it comes off very hetero-normative obviously

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    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    Well, I am talking about my own experience of monogamous male-female relationships and I am a female who works in the sexwork industry where I should look feminine in order to make a huge chunk of change in my specific adult profession. So this is just my own experience obviously and many other people have other situations, but this is me and why it comes off very hetero-normative obviously
    The problem isn't that you're being hetero-normative, the problem is that you're making really broad assumptions about "good men," men who like sex workers, rich men, and men in general. Please stop.
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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    The problem isn't that you're being hetero-normative, the problem is that you're making really broad assumptions about "good men," men who like sex workers, rich men, and men in general. Please stop.
    Ummm, this is a thread solely about my life, where I detail my experience. So obviously yes lol.

    I mean, do you outrage in public places about their male female bathrooms when there's intersex people and non-binary who don't want to choose a gender at all? This is ridiculous so I will ignoring those now lol

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    Veteran Member LilLadyLux's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    So I want to put this in a delicate way, because it may totally not be the case, and I am single and LOVE it and don't want that to seem like a personality flaw- But we attract people like us, our friends, our friends friends, they all tend to be similar. They have done studies showing that the more people in a FRIENDS social group that are overweight the more likely you are to be/gain weight.

    So in a way, seeing how flawed your study is is a real blessing.

    There are in fact men who are SO incredibly turned on knowing that their SO are with other men (see: cuckolding) and this doesn't even mean the want to sleep with other women, it's just an important part of their sex life to know that their wife is so hot that other men want to sleep with her too.

    But I think I would not ever call a relationship where one person is actively engaging in sex work monogomous (M/O) even though you may choose to represent yourselves as such publicly. Maybe those guys would've put a ring on it regardless of the sex work if you would've given them the chance

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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    ^ Again, this is about monogamous relationships, and obviously cuckoldry is not fully monogamous on some level. I used to work in a dungeon and do fetish PSO, so I know all about that. I have done all forms of sexwork except porn.

    (And no I am not a troll guys, I've been actively posting in threads for 8 months now so I will ignore and report those posts from now on.)

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Please, if you think someone is a troll, REPORT the post or thread, and the mods will take action if action is necessary. It's in the SW rules--do not post 'Troll!', etc.
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    God/dess audritwo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Well that is news to me. People call out trolls all the time on this forum. And if I think a poster is a troll, I only tell them so I can hear their defense to come to a better conclusion.





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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    Ummm, this is a thread solely about my life, where I detail my experience. So obviously yes lol.

    I mean, do you outrage in public places about their male female bathrooms when there's intersex people and non-binary who don't want to choose a gender at all? This is ridiculous so I will ignoring those now lol
    So you have no problem when men go around saying women are this, women are that, because of a handful of personal experiences one might have had?
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by audritwo View Post
    Well that is news to me. People call out trolls all the time on this forum. And if I think a poster is a troll, I only tell them so I can hear their defense to come to a better conclusion.
    They do it 'all the time' because it's not a strictly enforced rule--and obviously if some guy posts a thread asking if dancers like giving blowjobs, it's not so much out of line...

    This isn't the case here, though.
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Weren't you just trying to tell me in another thread that you don't have a complex about what you do? Hardly sounds like it because it seems like your issues with providing adult entertainment are present in multiple areas of your life and you were trying to work them into even more areas of MY life. Btw I have been able to romantically attract and keep men that are all-around great into my life and the reason I'm not married is because I haven't found anyone that *I* want to marry yet(and yes just because a man is great doesn't mean you have to automatically want to settle down with him for the rest of your life, because I'm sure you're going to say 'Well if the men you have dated are so great why don't you want to marry them?'). So just for the sake of responding to the topic I will say that no, I do not have experience with this.

    I'm going to have to put you on my ignore list, I just think you seem overall really unhappy with how you think people perceive you and you want to make sure other people feel the same thing, at this pioint I think it's pretty troll-like. Like being negative just for the sake of being negative and I like to keep my SW experience light and happy.
    Last edited by Genoveve; 02-10-2016 at 10:07 PM.

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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    So you have no problem when men go around saying women are this, women are that, because of a handful of personal experiences one might have had?
    No. I know that I cannot change someone's opinion, and me trying to press upon my own opinion is both pointless and casts me in the light of being extremely self-centered or narcissistic as well as close-minded. I pick and choose my battles.

    Obviously if they were abusive I would say something, but otherwise it would be stupid. There's nothing factual about an opinion.

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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by Genoveve View Post
    Weren't you just trying to tell me in another thread that you don't have a complex about what you do? Hardly sounds like it because it seems like your issues with providing adult entertainment are present in multiple areas of your life and you were trying to work them into even more areas of MY life. Btw I have been able to romantically attract and keep men that are all-around great into my life and the reason I'm not married is because I haven't found anyone that *I* want to marry yet(and yes just because a man is great doesn't mean you have to automatically want to settle down with him for the rest of your life, because I'm sure you're going to say 'Well if the men you have dated are so great why don't you want to marry them?'). So just for the sake of responding to the topic I will say that no, I do not have experience with this.

    I'm going to have to put you on my ignore list, I just think you seem overall really unhappy with how you think people perceive you and want you want to make sure other people feel the same thing, at this pioint I think it's pretty troll-like. Like negative just for the sake of being negative and I like to keep my SW experience light and happy.
    I have a very successful day job career, and I go in and out of sex work for fun. If I didn't like it, I would quit. I don't "need" the extra cash, but who doesn't want more money for something they already enjoy? Stating you are going to put someone on your ignore list before you even press "reply" to a thread that they (I) made that you purposely clicked and replied to, is weird lol.

    If you actually read my post, you would see that I say that I have ALWAYS been in great relationships and have been engaged twice where I walked away. I have had no issues, and I'm dating a great guy right now . The point was that I emphasize my vanilla career, and girls having trouble do not seem to do that, from my own experience, and I was asking for other opinions of people who had something helpful to add.

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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    From my experience, the number of guys who can actually handle having a dancer or escort as a SO is phenomenally low. And the number of women who can actually handle having a male stripper or escort as an SO is also infinitesimally small.

    Saying this is the case, from our experience is not being sexist---it's facing facts. Of course there are exceptions, many of whom post here about their success. But there are hordes out there, millions who have found only misery in their love lives while employed in the sex industry.

    For this reason, and after 15 years watching people of both sexes rip their hearts apart endlessly, over & over again, I believe it's far better to just stay single while doing this kind of work. Then maybe we wouldn't have to read all these threads in Life Support 'My boyfriend dumped me again! After stealing my car...'
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    You keep emphasizing MONOGAMOUS and a cockold could be happily ever after with a stripper in a monogamous relationship. A "Great Guy" could be with one of the lovely sex workers that wasn't actually providing sexual contact, in a monogamous relationship because, contrary to your sample, many men out there don't have jealousy issues. Many men out there can lovingly support a woman and have the confidence to know that she has chosen him and will not sex with other people. You sound young and inexperienced to me, and thats OK, I'm not so experienced myself, but I've been graced with meeting many men that don't have these issues.

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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    From my experience, the number of guys who can actually handle having a dancer or escort as a SO is phenomenally low. And the number of women who can actually handle having a male stripper or escort as an SO is also infinitesimally small.

    Saying this is the case, from our experience is not being sexist---it's facing facts. Of course there are exceptions, many of whom post here about their success. But there are hordes out there, millions who have found only misery in their love lives while employed in the sex industry.

    For this reason, and after 15 years watching people of both sexes rip their hearts apart endlessly, over & over again, I believe it's far better to just stay single while doing this kind of work. Then maybe we wouldn't have to read all these threads in Life Support 'My boyfriend dumped me again! After stealing my car...'
    This is literally what every man (98%) I've ever asked has told me, and the only ones that said they would be okay with it were cuckolds (who were closet polygamists), chronic patrons of sexworkers (whether secretly or not), ones that wanted to live off her earnings, or ones who knew the girl before she started sexwork and did the "you're not like all the others girls!" speech (lol) but always pressured her to quit.

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    Veteran Member red.velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by LilLadyLux View Post
    You keep emphasizing MONOGAMOUS and a cockold could be happily ever after with a stripper in a monogamous relationship. A "Great Guy" could be with one of the lovely sex workers that wasn't actually providing sexual contact, in a monogamous relationship because, contrary to your sample, many men out there don't have jealousy issues. Many men out there can lovingly support a woman and have the confidence to know that she has chosen him and will not sex with other people. You sound young and inexperienced to me, and thats OK, I'm not so experienced myself, but I've been graced with meeting many men that don't have these issues.
    I'm actually very experienced. If you actually read my whole post you would see where I say that I'm always in a great relationship and have been engaged twice but chose to walk away due to ill timing.

    Yes cuckolds can be happy, but an actual cuckold is someone who engages in sexual activity with more than one person. Also, think about this. If being a cuckold or having cuckold-like values is such an extreme value for the man, wouldn't he highly prioritize a woman's beauty and youth? He likes seeing and hearing how other men look at her. How would he feel when his wife is 60 and she isn't getting many men looking at her? He'd probably trade her in for a younger woman after awhile. That is what I'd be afraid of with a cuckold type.

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    Default Re: Anyone else go through this?...

    Quote Originally Posted by red.velvet View Post
    This is literally what every man (98%) I've ever asked has told me, and the only ones that said they would be okay with it were cuckolds (who were closet polygamists), chronic patrons of sexworkers (whether secretly or not), ones that wanted to live off her earnings, or ones who knew the girl before she started sexwork and did the "you're not like all the others girls!" speech (lol) but always pressured her to quit.
    Sadly, this is pretty much true. There ARE a lot of SW members who HAVE found good SOs, and you will see them posting about it a lot. They aren't just making it up, thankfully. But from my experience they are very rare and very fortunate.
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