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Thread: Relationships that change you for the worse?

  1. #1
    God/dess seashell's Avatar
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    Default Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Wondering if any of you ladies can relate... have you ever felt like a relationship affected your personality or your life in a negative way?

    I just broke up with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend of 5 years last week, and am now picking up the pieces of what my life has become.

    I mean, I'll give him some credit -- he was a high-functioning alcoholic with a successful job, and he pushed me to leave stripping to get a master's degree. But I have an anxiety disorder, which is why I got into stripping (it's so flexible and I get to be my own boss), and having to suddenly go through the stress of grad school, working 2 part time restaurant jobs to pay my bills, and then finally getting a job with my degree only to realize the pay was crap and it was extremely stressful... PLUS dealing with his binge-drinking alcohol abuse all the while... ugh. It's been a rollercoaster.

    He took control of my life and tried to help me, but didn't listen to my protests about how hard it was for me. He basically didn't understand the severity of my anxiety. Shortly after he insisted I quit stripping, I developed an eating disorder, became depressed and suicidal, and started having daily panic attacks/dizzy, shaking episodes. My job also involved a high amount of walking around all day and constant socializing, which completely exhausted me. I told him about all of this, and he tried to help, but he would still give me crap all the time for not wanting to go out, drink, and socialize. This has been going on for the past 3 years, and I literally feel like an old frail woman, like I've probably lost several years of my life to these health problems -- which is a stark contrast to how fit and energetic I was before I met him.

    The whole time he was pushing me through grad school, I felt like I was indebted to him because he was "improving my life" and he started paying my rent, buying my groceries, etc. He told me I was lucky to be with him, that he could find someone better without an anxiety problem, and that I should just "get over" all the stress.

    Of course, he worked a desk job and his way of dealing with stress was binge drinking. If I ever questioned his drinking, such as on nights when he blacked out and embarrassed us in front of friends/family, he blew up at me, denied that he had an alcohol problem, and when I cried he would hold me and explain that everything was perfectly fine until I calmed down. This was basically the pattern of every argument we ever had. I tried to break up with him a few times due to the alcohol and his personality, but he insisted I was the crazy anxious one and that everything would be just fine if only I stayed and learned to deal with things better. He would yell at me and bring up any mistake I recently made. He would also lie to me about things, especially alcohol or texting other girls, but had a habit of insisting that he was the most honest guy ever. Riiight.

    I realized today that I've been speaking to people with phrases like "I guess I just think that...", "I was sort of hoping that you could..." -- basically acting like a kid requesting permission to do things. I feel like my ex-boyfriend was almost a father figure, controlling me and always insisting that his way was the right way. He was 5 years older than me... we started dating when I was 22 and he was 27... so I guess maybe he thought since he had more life experience, he could control me and guide me. He discounted my intelligence and my abilities in everyday things (I know it's kind of weird considering he wanted me to get a higher degree), and I seem to have started believing him.

    I have very low self-esteem compared to how confident I was before I met him, and I constantly question whether I'm being rational. I honestly feel like I was gaslighted or manipulated, but I'm not sure, because I still question whether I'm seeing the world in a distorted way because of my anxiety. I was terrified that if I left him, no one else would want me because of my anxiety problem... but after getting away from him, I have felt SO MUCH BETTER. My anxiety is virtually gone. It's like the cure was just moving the hell out. lol

    Anyone else?? How do you get over this stuff?? I feel so alone and lost right now, and would really love to hear your experiences and how you got through them.
    Last edited by seashell; 02-13-2016 at 09:25 PM.

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  3. #2
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Sorry to hear about the challenges you've had.

    Yes. I can totally relate. I had several sucky relationships that left me feeling depressed, insecure, and just like WTF?!? But it helped me transform from a green naive young woman into a wise woman who knows she will not take the same shit.

    Maybe you experienced feelings of co-dependency and thats why you stayed so long. But its a good thing you've come to your senses and gotten out of an unhealthy relationship. Its better to be single then to be in relationships that drag you down.

    What helps for me is time, personal development, supportive people, hobbies, etc.

    Hope you continue to feel better.
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 02-13-2016 at 11:08 PM.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Quote Originally Posted by seashell View Post
    He told me I was lucky to be with him, that he could find someone better without an anxiety problem, and that I should just "get over" all the stress.
    Ugh, fuck that. Those are horrible things to say.

    Since you ask for stories from others: when I was 17, I had my first boyfriend, and he made me feel much the same way. He was quite a bit older at 24 and he frequently got exasperated by my immaturity and lack of relationship experience and would berate me over those things. He was my first for most sexual milestones, and called me a "sexual catastrophe" at one point because I wasn't catching on fast enough. I reread some of our instant message conversations a couple of years later, and I was amazed at how mean he was. Usually, if you can't put up with the bullshit of dating a 17-year-old virgin, you just ... move on and find someone you like better?

    Like you, I was so relieved when we broke up! Of course, mine was a short kid relationship and yours has been much more a part of your life. I would recommend that you go NO CONTACT, block his number, delete him from social media, get rid of all objects that remind you of him. This will prevent you guys from getting back together and will put him out of your head as much as possible. Get regular exercise and try to do things that you enjoy and that calm you. Jogging, bicycling, yoga, watching the sun set by the lake, reading a good novel without him distracting you. Try to get in contact with friends, even old ones you may not have talked to in a while.

    The silver lining is that it's usually much easier to get over a shitty relationship than one where you felt happy. In 6 months, guaranteed that you'll barely recognize the you of the past five years!

    Of course you were absolutely right to break up. Addiction is always a dealbreaker.

    Good luck!

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    God/dess seashell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Sorry to hear about the challenges you've had.

    Yes. I can totally relate. I had several sucky relationships that left me feeling depressed, insecure, and just like WTF?!? But it helped me transform from a green naive young woman into a wise woman who knows she will not take the same shit.

    Maybe you experienced feelings of co-dependency and thats why you stayed so long. But its a good thing you've come to your senses and gotten out of an unhealthy relationship. Its better to be single then to be in relationships that drag you down.

    What helps for me is time, personal development, supportive people, hobbies, etc.

    Hope you continue to feel better.
    I was definitely codependent. It's honestly still hard for me to not call him or text him... I know I shouldn't rely on him for validation anymore, but I feel very alone and isolated since I moved away to a small town where I know no one. :\ (planning to go to some meetups soon and connect with people around here)

    Supportive people make such an incredible difference. And hobbies, although I kinda feel too depressed to work on my art or writing at the moment. Time is the most difficult part... I almost with I could fast-forward to whenever things start to brighten up.

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    God/dess seashell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Quote Originally Posted by tigershoes View Post
    Ugh, fuck that. Those are horrible things to say.

    Since you ask for stories from others: when I was 17, I had my first boyfriend, and he made me feel much the same way. He was quite a bit older at 24 and he frequently got exasperated by my immaturity and lack of relationship experience and would berate me over those things. He was my first for most sexual milestones, and called me a "sexual catastrophe" at one point because I wasn't catching on fast enough. I reread some of our instant message conversations a couple of years later, and I was amazed at how mean he was. Usually, if you can't put up with the bullshit of dating a 17-year-old virgin, you just ... move on and find someone you like better?

    Like you, I was so relieved when we broke up! Of course, mine was a short kid relationship and yours has been much more a part of your life. I would recommend that you go NO CONTACT, block his number, delete him from social media, get rid of all objects that remind you of him. This will prevent you guys from getting back together and will put him out of your head as much as possible. Get regular exercise and try to do things that you enjoy and that calm you. Jogging, bicycling, yoga, watching the sun set by the lake, reading a good novel without him distracting you. Try to get in contact with friends, even old ones you may not have talked to in a while.

    The silver lining is that it's usually much easier to get over a shitty relationship than one where you felt happy. In 6 months, guaranteed that you'll barely recognize the you of the past five years!

    Of course you were absolutely right to break up. Addiction is always a dealbreaker.

    Good luck!
    That was very helpful. Thank you!! I also can't believe someone would treat a 17 year old like that... what were they expecting? Amazing what stupidity people are capable of, lol

    I probably should have no contact with him. I still feel very attached, and honestly, I initially thought moving out might encourage him to see a couples' counselor and attend AA meetings. Well, it didn't. But thank goodness, because I needed to get the hell out and it finally happened! Guess I'm in the process of weaning myself off of him. Ugh... Doing exercise and relaxing with a book does sound like a great way to relax. I've been spending too much time lately trying to figure out my job situation and stressing out about being alone. lol

    Very true about getting in touch with friends. I have lost a lot of them due to being too sick to socialize. There are a couple of old friends I want to get back in touch with. I really want to facebook message a couple of them... guess I should just do it, what's the worst that could happen?

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Go nooooo contact! It's so easy to get back together with someone after a few weeks, particularly if you're lonely - and then before you know it, you have spent another couple years of your life in a shitty relationship.

    I wouldn't trust his initial attempts at getting clean, if he does try. Change can be very temporary at this point, especially if made for someone else, I would want to see a few years of no drinking to make sure it really sticks.

    Nothing wrong with Facebook messaging old friends! The more new social outlets you develop, the better.

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Literally, too many to list..
    Prob one of the worst was an ex 'friend', it's been over a yr & I wish I'd have bailed long ago..
    Best thing is to grieve, move on, & always keep in mind what happened (but not obsess) so you dont repeat.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Oh I have had some interesting and questionable "relationships" (none were too long, a couple of months usually.) I have definitely gone through some assholes. One guy stole over $1800 from me, he took pain meds and would tell me stupid shit like "oh my ex girlfriends wore makeup 24/7, you should too." "You have a beautiful face but you need some fake tits." just stupid, douche behavior. Another guy trying to push me around and do shit for him, I wanted to end it and when I was on the phone ending it he turned it around on me and saying "oh I'm going out with "Sarah" tonight and going to send you all the pictures we take tonight."....um like wtf??? I remember screaming my head off that I did not give a fuck and to not contact me, that I was breaking up with him and he could go out with whoever he wants lol. Its best to not have contact with someone that you just broke up with, loneliness is a bitch.

    But yes, I still had similar feelings that you had after ending things with those kind of people - anxiety, trust issues, major depression. But like other ladies here have said it has made me wiser and expect A LOT more out of my partner and in relationship. I don't take BS anymore, you do something wrong or have the wrong intentions than you are cut out of my life.
    You will feel better, you need time to get that shit out your system. Just focus on you....do what you want to do. If you hate the job you have now with your masters and you want to dance again and it makes sense personally for you, go do it. Leave the past behind and be the person you want to be.

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    I just dove into the things I needed to do to get back on my feet. Lucky for me I did have some help from a relative. Honestly focus on getting your health right...I ended up with ovarian cysts & bloat weight from being stressed & angry at my ex. Eat healthy food and exercise.
    Last edited by SnuffleUffleGrass; 02-16-2016 at 04:02 PM.

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    We learn through experience. Not all of those experiences are nice. The guy was a drunk, among other things. You are older and wiser, because of your experience. Bright side, you came out with a degree, not 2 kids and 100k in debt[as far as you have mentioned]

    Surround yourself with positive people. See if you can get some help with your anxiety, and create some distance.

    Life is a long and interesting, occasionally fun journey, you are young and beautiful

    Go out and kick some ass.

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Exactly what oldster said

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    Default Re: Relationships that change you for the worse?

    Thanks, you guys. This has been really helpful for me. <3 <3

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