Wondering if any of you ladies can relate... have you ever felt like a relationship affected your personality or your life in a negative way?
I just broke up with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend of 5 years last week, and am now picking up the pieces of what my life has become.
I mean, I'll give him some credit -- he was a high-functioning alcoholic with a successful job, and he pushed me to leave stripping to get a master's degree. But I have an anxiety disorder, which is why I got into stripping (it's so flexible and I get to be my own boss), and having to suddenly go through the stress of grad school, working 2 part time restaurant jobs to pay my bills, and then finally getting a job with my degree only to realize the pay was crap and it was extremely stressful... PLUS dealing with his binge-drinking alcohol abuse all the while... ugh. It's been a rollercoaster.
He took control of my life and tried to help me, but didn't listen to my protests about how hard it was for me. He basically didn't understand the severity of my anxiety. Shortly after he insisted I quit stripping, I developed an eating disorder, became depressed and suicidal, and started having daily panic attacks/dizzy, shaking episodes. My job also involved a high amount of walking around all day and constant socializing, which completely exhausted me. I told him about all of this, and he tried to help, but he would still give me crap all the time for not wanting to go out, drink, and socialize. This has been going on for the past 3 years, and I literally feel like an old frail woman, like I've probably lost several years of my life to these health problems -- which is a stark contrast to how fit and energetic I was before I met him.
The whole time he was pushing me through grad school, I felt like I was indebted to him because he was "improving my life" and he started paying my rent, buying my groceries, etc. He told me I was lucky to be with him, that he could find someone better without an anxiety problem, and that I should just "get over" all the stress.
Of course, he worked a desk job and his way of dealing with stress was binge drinking. If I ever questioned his drinking, such as on nights when he blacked out and embarrassed us in front of friends/family, he blew up at me, denied that he had an alcohol problem, and when I cried he would hold me and explain that everything was perfectly fine until I calmed down. This was basically the pattern of every argument we ever had. I tried to break up with him a few times due to the alcohol and his personality, but he insisted I was the crazy anxious one and that everything would be just fine if only I stayed and learned to deal with things better. He would yell at me and bring up any mistake I recently made. He would also lie to me about things, especially alcohol or texting other girls, but had a habit of insisting that he was the most honest guy ever. Riiight.
I realized today that I've been speaking to people with phrases like "I guess I just think that...", "I was sort of hoping that you could..." -- basically acting like a kid requesting permission to do things. I feel like my ex-boyfriend was almost a father figure, controlling me and always insisting that his way was the right way. He was 5 years older than me... we started dating when I was 22 and he was 27... so I guess maybe he thought since he had more life experience, he could control me and guide me. He discounted my intelligence and my abilities in everyday things (I know it's kind of weird considering he wanted me to get a higher degree), and I seem to have started believing him.
I have very low self-esteem compared to how confident I was before I met him, and I constantly question whether I'm being rational. I honestly feel like I was gaslighted or manipulated, but I'm not sure, because I still question whether I'm seeing the world in a distorted way because of my anxiety. I was terrified that if I left him, no one else would want me because of my anxiety problem... but after getting away from him, I have felt SO MUCH BETTER. My anxiety is virtually gone. It's like the cure was just moving the hell out. lol
Anyone else?? How do you get over this stuff?? I feel so alone and lost right now, and would really love to hear your experiences and how you got through them.



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