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Thread: Being blackmailed into a relationship

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Stevie710's Avatar
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    Skull Being blackmailed into a relationship

    I'll start out by saying I think this guy has ruined me with dating anyone again. I knew this guy for a few years in the club and he is friends with some of my friends that I know from outside the club.. He asked me to dinner and I went and everything was going great... Today is the 10th day that he has been hanging out with me and threatening to blackmail me. This guy is CRAZY. I barely know where to start. He told me he's already in love with me and he's like crazy obsessive. He's wearing me down and everytime he says he's done with me 2 hours later he's back to I can't let you go and I say we're not compatible, I don't want to he with you and he says yore gonna learn today, you're gonna go to jail tomorrow blah blah, same shit everytime.

    He seemed like a really nice outspoken guy, who is kind of conservative.. He wanted me to quit the club or he was gonna go to my po and tell him I've been smoking weed and keep have a year on the shelf. So I told him I'd quit and he's been trying to take care if my bills... I haven't even been able to cam or work the club because he's threatening to duck up my life.. I'm so scared not only of being sent back over something so stupid but he's also threatened to go shoot up the club so I tell him I'll be his girl everytime he threatens to do either of those things. I've spent most of the past week cryijg everyday because of this situation I got myself into.. All I'm asking for is some positive energy and prayers sent my way so I can figure out how to get out of this crazy fucks grasp.

    I wish I could tell everything but it's so much that has been said and done and not only to me, he started bringing our mutual friends into it and fucking with their life too.

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    Newbie belledujour27's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    You need to get the police involved, for your own safety. If he's living with you, kick him out and get a restraining order. If you're in his place, find somewhere safe to go, and get a restraining order. He sounds like the kind of person that will eventually escalate into violence, and it could be too late by then. I hope that you are safe and well right now, and that you take whatever steps needed to continue your safety and well being.


  3. #3
    Member WierdGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    You could try calling a domestic violence hotline. Or go to the police because of his threats (especially for that he threatened to shoot up the club). Or do both those things, call the domestic violence hotline, ask them for help going to the police. I wish I knew more about this topic, so I could give more knowledgeable advice, but I'll try to encourage you anyway. You could probably try to get a restraining order. That all sounds really scary and I'm sorry he is doing that disgusting stuff to you.

    If the domestic violence hotline does not offer real advice other than sympathy, then you could try calling them again during their office hours, when advocates are more likely to be there (instead of just volunteers). Do not blame yourself if the advocates themselves harass you, either. There are some really creepy people who work within that system itself, unfortunately. I wish I did not have to say that. I encourage you to try that anyways, and hope for the best, though. And hope there are other people on this site, who know more on this topic than I do. So they can give more detailed advice. A third option could be to see a lawyer. Or, all three of those things? I'm not completely sure.
    Read my advice for Male Strippers

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Well you certainly have my prayers and any positive energy I have sent your way. I've seen quite a few young ladies in your predicament. With sufficient support, all of the outcomes have been positive.

    +First is your safety is the most important thing, this is doubly true with you being a sex worker.
    +Second is shut this guy down. Stop talking immediately. See #3 below.

    WierdGirl is right about people being human. Whether it's people at the hotline or the police or your male friends providing protection, you will run into some people who won't have sympathy for you. Do not take this personally and do not get discourged. People are just humans with shortcomings. Just find another worker or officer to help you.

    In short, stop talking to him or texting him, and start talking to others to increase your support circle. Let everyone know that you have a stalker. The more support you have the better your chances are to get through this. Stop letting him have power over you. Like with your PO, talk to the PO first and control the narrative. Do the same with anyone else he's threatened to talk to. "Head him off at the pass." Get back to work and avoid this guy. Make sure the bouncer and manager know so they can turn him away. Consider traveling everywhere with a male friend. The odd thing about stalkers is they often act big an tough in front of women (even groups) but they act like a whimp in front of another man. If your male security is unsure of himself (some guys are), be sure to read him that last sentence.

    Six Ways to Shut Down a Stalker

    1. Trust Your Instincts

    Don't downplay the danger or tell yourself you're overreacting. If you feel unsafe, you probably are.

    2. Keep Evidence

    Save e-mails, phone messages, notes; write down the time, date, and places of contact. Documentation will help you obtain a protection order.

    3. Don't Communicate

    You might be tempted to say something — anything — to stop the stalker's upsetting behavior, but any response may be misread as encouragement.

    4. Contact a Hotline

    The National Center for Victims of Crime line is 800-FYI-CALL. Consultants can help with legal options and a safety plan (which might include changing your routine, moving temporarily, and/or having friends go places with you).

    5. Tell Everyone You Know

    Inform roommates, coworkers, friends, and security staff at home and work so they can watch out for you.

    6. Call the Police

    Every state has stalking laws, and bringing in law enforcement is a key step in building your case.

    Sources: National Center for Victims of Crime; Stalking Resource Center
    Last edited by Dominic.2; 02-18-2016 at 04:08 AM.

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    For those of you who are advocating calling the police, it is not that simple. If she is on probation and really is smoking weed regularly then she could get a VOP and be sent back, which this asshole knows all too well.

    OP, for starters, if you are still smoking it, you need to stop now. If you really do have a stash, then get the fuck rid of it already.

    After that, IMHO you need to stop seeing him and hide from him if necessary. Whatever harm his bullshit could do, which is probably less than you imagine, it is not as bad as letting this guy own your ass forever. You need to stop giving him your power and walk away. Visiting a local domestic abuse advocacy group and asking for their help would be a great start. Not only would they be able to help keep you safe, but they may also be able to help you with your PO if this shithead actually rats on you.

    Here are some of the programs in your area that could probably help. I hope you will call one ASAP. They will not judge you for having a criminal record, so please don't let that stop you.

    https://www.domesticshelters.org/ky/...helters?page=1

    Good luck!
    Last edited by rickdugan; 02-18-2016 at 09:18 AM.

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Defiantly listen to all of the other ladies and get the police involved. Get a order of protection against him. Anyone that you let into your life, you should do a background check on them. For instance, search "your county and circuit court". I recently did this with a guy i met off of tinder(not the best place to meet people, i know). He added me on facebook and i looked up his name on my local circuit court website. I found three orders of protection,two domestic violence court cases and much more. Lets say, i never met him and i saved myself a lot of trouble. Hope everything works out. Stay strong!<3

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  11. #7
    Senior Member Avery90's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Seriously inform your PO too of this guy, might save some heartache in the long run.

  12. #8
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Did nobody else read her opening post carefully enough? She can't just call the cops directly folks, at least without taking some steps to insulate herself. She's an ex-con out on parole, who no doubt has agreed to be drug free as a condition of her probation, yet currently has marijuana in her system. That alone could get her thrown back in prison, especially in a state like KY, but the fact that she is currently sitting on a felony weight 6 month supply of marijuana is another conviction waiting to happen.

    She is concerned about how this plays out if the cops are option #1 and rightly so. It's a he said/she said between her and a guy who hasn't been convicted of, or even charged with, any crime. And even if they believed her, they may very well violate her and send her back to prison anyway if they can prove the drug charges (which no doubt this asshole can help them do). She understands all of this, which is why she feels desperate and powerless right now.

    Melissa, while I agree that you are exposed here, you are not powerless. I provided my thoughts above and I hope you consider them. If I were you, I would dispose of the pot somewhere far, far away and then seek help from one of the local agencies, who no doubt can help you figure out how best to approach the court and/or your PO. Just be candid with them when you are explaining your situation - I am sure you will not be the first girl to come to them with a situation that is a little hairy.

    Good luck Melissa!

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Well I saw the part about that, but I didn't see the part where she admitted she was smoking weed. The reader might be left to assume. I used to stalkers making up wild stories.

    With that said, she doesn't need LE help, and if she's been violating her parole by smoking, well then, she should know that and filter out the LE advice. There are enough other resources for her to use. TBH, I've never seen a girl have to get LE involved for a stalker, only for domestic abuse.

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Dominic.2 View Post
    Well I saw the part about that, but I didn't see the part where she admitted she was smoking weed. The reader might be left to assume. I used to stalkers making up wild stories.

    With that said, she doesn't need LE help, and if she's been violating her parole by smoking, well then, she should know that and filter out the LE advice. There are enough other resources for her to use. TBH, I've never seen a girl have to get LE involved for a stalker, only for domestic abuse.
    I assumed it since his threat of disclosing these things to the PO seemed to have such a hold over her. I suppose that Melissa can clarify if needed

    But it filters out not only directly calling LE, but also the usefulness of a national hotline. What will they really say other than to call the cops, record everything, etc.? She really needs local help with people she can sit down and talk to and who understand the local court and/or criminal justice system.

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    I think she needs to report his harassment somewhere to someone though. If it's not documented it didn't happen.

    wouldn't law enforcement be lenient on her if she had to call the police on him because her life is in danger? I know parole means you agree to certain conditions but it's not like she's some leader of a major drug cartel she just responsibly consuming marijuana for recreational/medicinal purposes.

    Would they really be like "I know this dude is a dangerous crazed stalker threatening your life but hold on, did you smoke weed yesterday? .... cause if so, forget about him, we're gonna throw you under the jail"

    I personally would get a restraining order. Your life is more important than worrying about him telling a parole officer on you. Number one you can clean your system and number two you can hire a good lawyer to get you out (worst case scenario). None of this you can do if he kills you cause you're too scared to call police to come get this crazy stalker.

    also you could learn self defense - just in case.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Please when it's safe put info about him on VerifyHim.......OK my suggestion.... Obviously avoid him but play along with his shit for a bit. Wait until you are in the clear legally & then report his terroristic threats. Or tape record him incrimating himself. A lot of that can be done "accidentally" with other people listening on a computer mic channel. Then that's not an illegal recording if someone over hears him making illegal threats.

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    I agree with Rickdugan, don't call the cops. Especially if you are a WOC.

    What you can do is call in an anonymous tip that you heard this man threaten to conduct a mass shooting at the club. If you can leave it as a voice message after office hours, even better, but tell the tip line his name, address, phone number, and his connection to the club.

    I promise the police will take this very seriously. No one needs to know you phoned it in.

    Then you won't be allowed to be any where near him since he is under suspicion of planning a mass shooting.

    Also, call a lawyer and explain the situation. You are going to need legal help. These guys might be a good place to start: http://www.rescueandrestoreky.org/

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    To your PO, admit to the drugs. You knew doing drugs was against the terms of conditions for release. Now, you are letting pot turn your life into a nightmare.... Is smoking pot really that important that you will risk your life & others lives over it?

    Show this guy you are crazier than he is and rather be in jail than to be with him.

    Guessing working in the strip club would also be against the terms of release too. There is a reason for those terms, so you would be exposed to people like him. Take responsibility for your actions & tell your PO, take the hits like an adult. Take all the power away from this jerk, if you don't do it now, will only get worse.

    You are letting smoking pot be more important than your freedom & potentially life, does it really deserve that kind of importance?

    Sam

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    Veteran Member Dominic.2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    The national hotline can help give her contact telephone number for local resources for women. I didn't spend time looking for local KY ones. The national center can point those out to her along with any other options we may be missing. They keep with this stuff on a daily basis so they probably know best. Rickdugan and tourdefranzia found what looks to be some excellent local resources for her.

    Rick, I know you have your own experiences, but I experiences with uniformed police officers, especially suburban ones, is that they behave sort of like miss.a.p1600 is suggesting. It's only some of the big city ones and the really small town rural ones that are the massive dicks ("white boy on a power trip" sort of thing). Most uniformed police will exercise some of the discretion that miss.a.p1600 is hinting at. IME, of course. This only works for white females in distress, us dudes, and WOC, we're on our own! My thinking is some of the uniformed police see similarities to women in their lives (wives, sisters, daughters, nieces, etc.) and would want someone to reciprocate to their loved ones should they be in a compromising situation where a stranger can help. That is based on a dialog I had with one officer. Maybe it's sexist but I find it chivalrous.




    She should be careful not to "confess to a crime." Rick, you do bring up a good point about the parole officer or LE in general. Most can't ethically "look the other way" if she verbally confesses to a crime to them. So she needs to be careful how much extra, extraneous information she gives to any LE. She should only discuss matters related to the stalking, and that's it.

    Personally, I'm with sam38g, but I also know several judges and so does my wife (she interned with several), so I can minimize fallout. But like with sam38g, I tend to own it, even with the draw backs. Part of the reason there is so much violence against some classes (women, sex workers, minorities, etc.) is the predators know the victims won't go to the police. I've "taken it on the chin" so to speak before, and sometimes I surprised with what I can get away. Some people in power do find honestly refreshing these days, and will pull strings, but that is not guaranteed.

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    This guy needs his ass beaten. Seriously.

    I don't trust the cops, especially in your situation, so I wouldn't even bother contacting them. I wish I had a suggestion for you, but this is a mess. Get away from him ASAP in whatever ways necessary. The fact that you are on parole makes this problem a thousand times more complicated. But this guy is making your life hell, and you have to take measures to get him out of your life.

    As far as the weed thing, I would suggest cutting that out for now, until this shit storm passes.

    Is there somewhere safe you can stay to get away from this piece of shit? Change your number, block him, tell him to get the fuck out of your life. Move if necessary.

    I'm praying for you girl.
    "Dancing tables, making deals with devils like a drunk beauty queen"

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Stop smoking, get rid of anything you still have, and buy detox pills. Start cleaning out your system just in case.

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    Admit nothing to the PO. If you're careful you can game this situation & exit with minimal harm. BTW is this guy a pimp or just crazy?

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    I never do well with given ultimatiums. Threats to report you unless you do what he wants sexually & stalking are felonies, death threats is a major felony. He is racking up all kinds of felonies each time. So secretly turn on the video record on your phone when with him to have as evidence. DO not threaten him back.

    Personally, I'd called his bluff the first time he tried it & put him in jail along with me since what is being done is also illegal. Never give anyon-ace power like that over your life, victim mentality rarely serves people well. Especially since it stays in your body for such a long time & easily dectected. Sorry, you must not care enough about staying out of jail enough not to use weed and take the risk.

    Join AA or a group similar to it, to be pro-active in getting off & keeping away from weed or other drugs that lead you into situations like these. So that predators like this guy can't take advantage of you and bad judgement.

    Obsessed men do stalk, they do kill females all the time. Jail might be a safer place. Crime and violence against females is at an all time high. What is more important? Your life or weed, stay out or being safe? Smoking weed is avoid reality only makes the situation worse. Avoiding being honest with the world & living in fear causes stress that endangerous your health.

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  34. #20
    Member LightningJ's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    My boyfriend's mother had the same issue. She was in the exact same spot you're in. Except, she let it get worse. PLEASE do not make the mistake she made!

    1. DO NOT tell him off alone without having legitimate security and safety! This is what my bf's mom did. She told him off, and asked him to leave her alone. He got the "if I can't have you, nobody can!" vibe... He ended up killing her cat and leaving it on her bed for her... So DON'T tell him off by yourself. He needs to understand that he's in BIG trouble once you get him off your heels.
    2. DON'T LET THIS DRAG ON!!! The longer it drags on, the more attached he'll get and the more power he'll feel over you. Even after you report him/tell him to go away/etc, unless you get a restraining order and take the proper safety precautions, he will most likely still try to stalk you. This happened to my bf's mom. She told him off, then thought it was okay. She came home with my bf (a kid at the time), to her HOUSE BURNING DOWN.

    Please trust me girl, these people aren't worth playing with and they aren't safe to communicate with. Please, please, PLEASE report him.
    About the weed thing, I live in Oregon where it's legal just the same as alcohol is AND I work at a recreational/medical marijuana store, so I know a lot about weed but I can't necessarily to tell you to go straight to the cops. All I gotta say is, take your one last hit, and HIDE That shit at one of your friends' houses if you can. (YES, she can take a last hit. One hit has been proven to not show up after 24 hours)
    So, take your last hit, hide your shit, buy some detox from your grocery store, and start chugging. After about 3-5 days of NO SMOKING AT ALL + Detox, you will piss clean. I promise. Please call the authorities asap. Act normal around him if you really have no possible way to avoid him until your system is clean. I recommend buying a self-piss test, just so you can double-check before you report anything just in case he does try to get you under the bus with weed in your system. The longer you wait, the more dangerous this gets.

    Good luck. Message me if you have any questions, or if you even just need to talk. We're here for you girl. And remember... YOU HAVE THE POWER. Use it wisely!

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    Member LightningJ's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    P.S. Please don't let this ruin your dating experiences!!! Just don't date custies. I never meet any of my custies outside of the club, even though some gravely insisted. Haha.

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    And people say women are the crazy ones.

    LightningJ, I think you gave the best advice I've seen in this thread so far. Please, OP, take her advice. I hope you are okay. Please keep us posted. I am worried for you. Please stay safe!!! xoxo
    "Dancing tables, making deals with devils like a drunk beauty queen"

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    +1 to buy the pee test. Don't smoke anymore!! Get it out of your system and get to the authorities.

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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    As a stop-gap measure, I would call a few local drug treatment programs anonymously and explain that you're out on parole and drugs violate your terms of parole but you've slipped and want to get help. I don't live in KY, but my region of the US (pre- and now post-legalization of weed) has always granted amnesty to anyone who voluntarily sought treatment for drug abuse if they did so prior to getting caught using. The treatment centers would know. If you're in with them and your state has similar protections, then I'd haul your ass to the police/domestic help options suggested. You're not as stuck as this asshole is trying to make you feel.

    That said, at the end of the day, which is worse? Him potentially hurting you or going after his ass and dealing with fall out? There's literally nothing saying he can't report you at any time for any reason right now. Get off the pot, detox, get clean as fast as you can, and report his ass to someone/get help in some way. He can claim you use weed all he wants with all the positive text message he wants, but if you pass a drug test it doesn't matter.


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    Default Re: Being blackmailed into a relationship

    A lot of this advice depends on how much weed you're smoking, if any, and for how long.

    Quit smoking right now. Detox your system and exercise. Get home test kits and monitor your progress. Or, if being proactive and checking into rehab will keep you from violating, do that. In fact, that might be a good idea for a number of reasons, including the fact that most rehab facilities are careful about who gets in and are unlikely to confirm that you're there to someone who calls looking for you. They also have counselors and access to legal resources that can help you.

    Get a restraining order as soon as you feel reasonably sure that you can explain a drug test as second-hand exposure, if it's positive or get into rehab if that's what you decide to do. Explain the entire situation, including threats of shooting up your club, in great detail. Even with a protection order, he's probably not going to stop contacting you or looking for you. Don't go home and don't go to work until he violates the order and gets arrested. Being caught with a weapon while having a restraining order against him is a potential felony charge in many states. At the very least, it's one more charge and potentially more bail.

    You mentioned that you have mutual friends. Do they know what's going on and how do you think they'd react of you told them?

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