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Thread: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    This isn't so much to ask for any advice or support, but I had a really inspiring weekend and started writing about it, and realized that my insights might resonate with other people and help them feel better about themselves as well, so I figured I'd share here instead of posting just a blip in the Random Thoughts thread or something.

    I spent the weekend with my old best friend and had some interesting revelations. I hadn't seen her very much in the past 3 years because she's basically bounced from shitty relationship to shitty relationship, and when I would see her, she wasn't really herself. This weekend, she was back to her old self and I couldn't believe how great it was to hang out with her.


    The past few weeks, I've been focusing hardcore on the future. I'm trying to decide where to move to in the summer, what I want to focus on with work, how to use the money I've been saving - and it's done absolutely nothing but stress me out and not make me happy.


    I often look back at the main years of my friendship with her as my "wasted years." Not necessarily because of her, but I kinda just coasted along during that time. I worked a shitty job that constantly fucked with my schedule and went into debt because of it. I ate like shit, and didn't take care of myself so I gained a bunch of weight and didn't have any energy. I drank waaaaay too much. I didn't do anything even remotely productive. I always look back on those years with regret and feel so angry. However, now it's like my desire to recover from that and be better has led me into this desperate spiral to be the exact opposite and it's not making me happy. But talking with her this weekend, I looked back and realized that yes, I made some bad life choices back then, but it wasn't like I was super miserable at the time. I didn't like my job but I worked with people I liked. I felt fat but I wasn't obsessed with it because it didn't really "matter" while I was in between sex work jobs. I drank way too much but it's not like I felt bad about drinking in general. I wasn't working toward some bigger or better goal, but during those years, I didn't feel bad about myself for puttering along and just enjoying my routine.


    Obviously, I should absolutely not go back to not being able to pay my bills, drinking obscene amounts of alcohol, not taking care of my body, and not working toward anything meaningful at all - but I guess I don't have to be hardcore about flipping the script entirely. Hanging out with my friend, she's pretty much the same ol' same ol' but slightly better. She has a normal 9-5, not too glamourous job, but she pays all her bills. She drinks far less than she used to but doesn't feel bad about drinking when she does it. Her car is a piece of shit but she just deals with it instead of crying over needing the newest model. She has her routine and her life and she just... does it and doesn't feel bad about it. There are certain ways where I wish she didn't hold herself back, but for the most part, she just lives her fucking life. I know there's nothing bad about wanting more and saying "I want a more free schedule with enough money to live a more luxurious life" or wanting to better your health as best you can, but trying to be so extreme was clearly not making me happy.


    I always feel like I'm not making MORE money fast enough, despite how good I'm doing every month. I get angry with myself for drinking more than a couple drinks a week. I beat myself up for missing workouts and obsessively stare at my stomach in the mirror. I have a shit social life because of this idea that I must shut out all distractions and others' energy in order to focus on myself and my goals. My entire mindset lately has been "How can I have more? How can I be better? How can I move forward?" which aren't bad questions, but attacking them in some militant "My life must get BETTER in these specific ways with super high goals and anything less than that and I'm FAILING at life and getting left behind - everyone out of my way!" way... it's been unhealthy.


    Of course I want to keep setting and reaching goals. Of course I still don't want a restrictive schedule or a paltry budget. And of course, I want to look and feel the best I can. But there is definitely something to be said for the things I was happy about when I wasn't concerned about those things. I had a really great social life. I wasn't obsessed with the next "biggest, bestest" thing or accomplishment or "keeping up with the Jones'." I didn't harshly critique the fuck out of my body even though I was the heaviest I've ever been. I really need to step back and integrate a little of that "I'm just gonna be happy to have a status quo week where work was fine, I'm gonna go out with my friends and have fun, and just do the things that relax me" mindset back into the current incessant drive to do things faster, better, NOW and feeling like shit if I'm not scrambling to the tippy-top as fast as I think I need to.

    I just notice a lot of girls on here seem to feel the same sometimes. Running an endless race of not feeling good enough, not feeling like we're moving forward and achieving high enough - this idea that we're somehow not allowed to be happy and content with life unless we are super high achievers just kicking life's ass. But instead of it making us feel accomplished, we just keep adding more restrictive criteria to the list of things that must be achieved in order to feel good enough and be happy.

    I'm feeling very good and enlightened at the moment thinking about this, so I just wanted to share what I was feeling right now - hoping that anyone who is also currently beating themselves up and making themselves sick about their "progress in life" might feel better too.

    Hugs and happiness to everyone!
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.







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    Featured Member wish's Avatar
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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    Happiness is not a destination it's a journey

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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    Quote Originally Posted by wish View Post
    Happiness is not a destination it's a journey
    Exactly. And that is precisely what I had lost sight of while making never-ending to-do lists in my head (and physically).
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    This really speaks to me. My story is somewhat similar to yours, my mid-twenties were lackadaisical years of not having larger goals than stripping full time, travel and partying. Then about 2 years ago my life kinda fell apart from all the partying starting to affect my health and life choices. I'm now a neurotic overachiever with a stunted social life. Just this morning I had a realization that I've been pushing myself way too hard and starting to feel burnt out for the opposite reasons as last time. Decided to spend the afternoon outdoors with a friend just enjoying life and I'm feeling sooo much better and also refocused on my goals!

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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    I think that the key to accomplishing goals in a way that makes you feel good while you do it is to set goals that genuinely make you feel good and excite you. It's when you set goals for the sake of feeling like you should(guilt and pressure), when you set goals from a place of stress, that the journey to the goal is a miserable struggle. Set goals that you genuinely want to achieve and the road to it will be a much more fun, enjoyable, enriching one. So has been my experience anyway.

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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    You just need other things going on in your life so you don't feel that way. Whether that's a very active social life, hobbies, school, other jobs, etc. I've had all of those concurrently in the adult industry and it keeps me motivated and grounded. Also, having a roommate may really help. Here it's the same price to have a roommate as it is to have a studio, but I still prefer to have a roommate because you create a little social network to keep you grounded.

    I don't like to spend time with girls who are super focused on the adult industry as a career anymore because I find that the general culture reminds me of childhood and the people who lived in the low income neighborhood I lived in. So maybe that's what you're experiencing with the rat race? The culture is to spend 100% of your money on temporary things that most would consider luxuries like expensive food, excessive nails and clothes, etc. Dumb frivolous purchases while living paycheck to paycheck. Ive been called out as to why I don't want to have expensive things all around me. I prefer saving and simplicity. So maybe just change who you're surrounding yourself with? I think you said you escort so you shouldn't come in contact with a lot of these people regularly.

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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post

    I just notice a lot of girls on here seem to feel the same sometimes. Running an endless race of not feeling good enough, not feeling like we're moving forward and achieving high enough - this idea that we're somehow not allowed to be happy and content with life unless we are super high achievers just kicking life's ass. But instead of it making us feel accomplished, we just keep adding more restrictive criteria to the list of things that must be achieved in order to feel good enough and be happy.
    This is definitely true. I know I focus 100% on what I HAVENT done or what I feel like I NEED to do rather than what I have done so far. The other night I was trying to fall asleep and kept thinking of lists of things I need to do and havent achieved yet.. and then I just stopped and thought 'I'm laying in this big comfy bed I purchased, in this nice warm apartment that I rent on my own, I have a degree that I worked for, a job, money in the bank, love from friends & family..' like there's so much I don't even think about that I should be grateful and proud of myself for. I live a comfortable life and I am happy overall, but it's easy to forget that when you're so focused on the future and on the things you don't have.

    I personally want to add something to my life that isn't about money or work or education but that's more about just making me happy. Like yoga or reading (the only books I have are self help ones or GRE prep books lol I havent read any non educational books in a while). I don't really have any hobbies and am always focused on things I 'need' to do so I think a fun hobby would help me stay more present.

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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    I so needed to read that today! Great thread!

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    Default Re: Chilling Out About the Race to the Top

    This was a really great read. I know I need to just chill and stop making everything about $$. Even though I'm not dancing anymore, if I'm not doing something that could make me a buck, in my mind, it's not worth doing. Even with writing, the stories I really enjoy writing have taken a back seat to writing stuff that I think will sell. Maybe it's a Capricorn thing but I wish I turn off the AMBITION part of my brain that's never satisfied with the progress I've already made. I look at some of my friends who are really happy just having a normal job and hobbies. I wish I could be more like that. I'll get there for a while, but eventually my need to make more and more money takes over again. I get hard on myself and stress myself out.

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