This isn't so much to ask for any advice or support, but I had a really inspiring weekend and started writing about it, and realized that my insights might resonate with other people and help them feel better about themselves as well, so I figured I'd share here instead of posting just a blip in the Random Thoughts thread or something.
I spent the weekend with my old best friend and had some interesting revelations. I hadn't seen her very much in the past 3 years because she's basically bounced from shitty relationship to shitty relationship, and when I would see her, she wasn't really herself. This weekend, she was back to her old self and I couldn't believe how great it was to hang out with her.
The past few weeks, I've been focusing hardcore on the future. I'm trying to decide where to move to in the summer, what I want to focus on with work, how to use the money I've been saving - and it's done absolutely nothing but stress me out and not make me happy.
I often look back at the main years of my friendship with her as my "wasted years." Not necessarily because of her, but I kinda just coasted along during that time. I worked a shitty job that constantly fucked with my schedule and went into debt because of it. I ate like shit, and didn't take care of myself so I gained a bunch of weight and didn't have any energy. I drank waaaaay too much. I didn't do anything even remotely productive. I always look back on those years with regret and feel so angry. However, now it's like my desire to recover from that and be better has led me into this desperate spiral to be the exact opposite and it's not making me happy. But talking with her this weekend, I looked back and realized that yes, I made some bad life choices back then, but it wasn't like I was super miserable at the time. I didn't like my job but I worked with people I liked. I felt fat but I wasn't obsessed with it because it didn't really "matter" while I was in between sex work jobs. I drank way too much but it's not like I felt bad about drinking in general. I wasn't working toward some bigger or better goal, but during those years, I didn't feel bad about myself for puttering along and just enjoying my routine.
Obviously, I should absolutely not go back to not being able to pay my bills, drinking obscene amounts of alcohol, not taking care of my body, and not working toward anything meaningful at all - but I guess I don't have to be hardcore about flipping the script entirely. Hanging out with my friend, she's pretty much the same ol' same ol' but slightly better. She has a normal 9-5, not too glamourous job, but she pays all her bills. She drinks far less than she used to but doesn't feel bad about drinking when she does it. Her car is a piece of shit but she just deals with it instead of crying over needing the newest model. She has her routine and her life and she just... does it and doesn't feel bad about it. There are certain ways where I wish she didn't hold herself back, but for the most part, she just lives her fucking life. I know there's nothing bad about wanting more and saying "I want a more free schedule with enough money to live a more luxurious life" or wanting to better your health as best you can, but trying to be so extreme was clearly not making me happy.
I always feel like I'm not making MORE money fast enough, despite how good I'm doing every month. I get angry with myself for drinking more than a couple drinks a week. I beat myself up for missing workouts and obsessively stare at my stomach in the mirror. I have a shit social life because of this idea that I must shut out all distractions and others' energy in order to focus on myself and my goals. My entire mindset lately has been "How can I have more? How can I be better? How can I move forward?" which aren't bad questions, but attacking them in some militant "My life must get BETTER in these specific ways with super high goals and anything less than that and I'm FAILING at life and getting left behind - everyone out of my way!" way... it's been unhealthy.
Of course I want to keep setting and reaching goals. Of course I still don't want a restrictive schedule or a paltry budget. And of course, I want to look and feel the best I can. But there is definitely something to be said for the things I was happy about when I wasn't concerned about those things. I had a really great social life. I wasn't obsessed with the next "biggest, bestest" thing or accomplishment or "keeping up with the Jones'." I didn't harshly critique the fuck out of my body even though I was the heaviest I've ever been. I really need to step back and integrate a little of that "I'm just gonna be happy to have a status quo week where work was fine, I'm gonna go out with my friends and have fun, and just do the things that relax me" mindset back into the current incessant drive to do things faster, better, NOW and feeling like shit if I'm not scrambling to the tippy-top as fast as I think I need to.
I just notice a lot of girls on here seem to feel the same sometimes. Running an endless race of not feeling good enough, not feeling like we're moving forward and achieving high enough - this idea that we're somehow not allowed to be happy and content with life unless we are super high achievers just kicking life's ass. But instead of it making us feel accomplished, we just keep adding more restrictive criteria to the list of things that must be achieved in order to feel good enough and be happy.
I'm feeling very good and enlightened at the moment thinking about this, so I just wanted to share what I was feeling right now - hoping that anyone who is also currently beating themselves up and making themselves sick about their "progress in life" might feel better too.
Hugs and happiness to everyone!



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