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Thread: I Can't Commit

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    Mind Blowing I Can't Commit

    This is part II of my thread on quitting cam and guys asking to go exclusive (posted in Ladies Only).

    So I'm at a weird point in my life. I'm pushing 30, but I'm still not ready to settle down. For myself, 34-38 seems like a good age to settle down.

    My ex from 10 years ago wants to get back together. I'm not opposed, but I keep finding things "wrong" with him that should not be dealbreakers. Then I realized I do this with every guy! This guy makes a fuckload of money and tells me I would never have to work again. But I don't want that kind of life. I want to work and spend time doing rewarding work. He's tall and has a closeknit family. He's nice. I'm his dream girl he always says. Like most of my exes, we only broke up because one (or both) of us moved away. In this case, both of us. But I feel like he lacks the extreme artistic drive I like in men. He was in a dumb band in his teens. He loves music and would go to any art event I asked him to go to. What's wrong with me?

    Right now I'm dating this guy who actually is the type I like. Very artistic guy who does industrial design for work. He does amazingly beautiful special effects sculpting and makeup for fun. He is very outdoorsy and even has plans to build his own home by hand. He loves minimal living like I do. He is gothy and we are in the same music scene. He has long, dark hair that I like. He would do anything for me. He talks about wanting babies. So what do I find fault in him? He's 3 inches shorter than I'd ideally want him to be. This is so petty!!!! I don't want to care about this!!!! I mean if I have complaints like THIS right NOW, what the fuck will the future hold?? I can't be 60 with a guy when I am already complaining that he's mildly shorter than I'd ideally want him to be. Another thing is that, while his job is ideal and stable, nurse practitioners make more money than he makes and I think I'd resent being the bread winner. But I like the idea of earning a lot of money. I'm already a very minimal spender, so why the fuck do I care about this?

    I'm so annoyed with myself lol! What do I do, bbs? I don't want to be this petty but I can't control it! Everyone I know keeps joking that I'm going to be a cougar. It's already stated to happen where I attract like 19 year olds but that freaks me out. I could see being a cougar to a guy 26+ when I'm much older, but not now!

    How do I get over my weirdness? I really don't want to be this petty. I do live in an area with lots of singles so I could be single forever and it's not a problem, but I do want kids sometime in my 30s and I'm pushing 30 now. 34-38 seems ideal. Halpsies

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Then maybe you just haven't found the one yet. There may be nothing wrong with you at all except that you haven't come across that person yet who you can't live without. I made the mistake of putting that kind of internal pressure on myself at right around your age and the resulting marriage, with a girl who had all the right check boxes covered, was brief, miserable and expensive to exit. IMHO when you eventually meet the right person, your mind will be much more forgiving about those supposed deal breaker flaws.

    Anyway, just my for whatever it's actually worth.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Even though it's not my thread, I just wanted to say thank you Rick, because sometimes I think I have commitment issues, but really I know I haven't met the one yet

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    There really is truth to the saying opposites attract. I've met more married couples who were the exact opposite of the checklist {or their definition of ideal} they wanted their spouse to be & happier than a panda than actual happily married couples that had the checklist idk. Its always better to be open than it is to limit yourself out of a chance to find happiness.......
    Last edited by Obsession91; 03-27-2016 at 08:45 PM.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Quote Originally Posted by Obsession91 View Post
    There really is truth to the saying opposites attract. I've met more married couples who were the exact opposite of the checklist {or their definition of ideal} they wanted their spouse to be & happier than a panda than actual happily married couples that had the checklist idk. Its always better to be open than it is to limit yourself out of a chance to find happiness.......
    I don't know though, the first guy is basically my opposite and I find him impossibly boring. He's just like a boring techie now, but was a musician/student when we dated, which I liked.

    I definitely give every guy a shot. Like unless he's repulsive or mean, I'll usually say yes to a date. I date like a MF, sometimes even as much as like 4-5 guys a week when I have the time. I like dating and am open minded.

    My problem is, it seems as if they aren't my SPECIFIC type to a T, along with tall, successful, hard working, creative, etc then I just lose all interest. I don't want to be this way because not only is my type hard to find already (in terms of looks/interests/scenes they're involved with), it's even harder to find a very tall one whose monetarily successful and who also has a second active career as an artist or musician, but also wants to be exclusive. It's like I want it all and then some, but even I know this is unrealistic lol. I do know guys like this, but they constantly have dozens of women around them and they have no time to dedicate to a relationship anyway because their success keeps them so busy. I'm just being unrealistic and have all these great prospects in front of me that I shun because anything less than ideal is somehow unacceptable.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Well I think you should rank your pet peeves or come up with some formula so the highest ranking guys are the only ones you give the time a day to, date more than one man, and then narrow down from there.

    Maybe its hard to make a decision because you feel like you MIGHT be losing out on a good guy however he may be a good guy just not the guy for you. So this is why I think you should date 2 other guys and see what you feel like doing after that.
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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    It sounds like you're just more comfortable being free and uncommitted. Maybe you are just looking for excuses to not commit, which is perfectly fine. Not everyone is the monogamous type.

    There is this guy who I just ADORE. Like, I would marry him in a heartbeat. Is he perfect? No. He has his flaws like any human being....but we just click. Also, myself being vegan, I would prefer being with a vegan man. But this guy is not vegan by any means. I could be totally petty and be like, "forget it, you're not vegan. bye!" But I think that would be a mistake. I accept him for who he is, and I wouldn't want to change him. He is exceptional to me. But if I wanted to be single, I would use the "he's not vegan" thing as an excuse to not date him. So maybe there is a reason your brain is prioritizing these things?

    But I don't blame you at all that you wouldn't want to date a boring guy. That's a deal-breaker for me. No way could I ever date someone I found boring. And I also relate to you in that you prefer dating someone tall. I don't think that's insanely petty. I couldn't date a particular guy anymore because he had ugly hands. Petty? Maybe. But I need someone with nice looking hands! Physical attraction is important, no matter how "petty" it may seem to be to other people.
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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    maybe your mind is being triggered by these petty things because you aren't sure about what you really need in a partner? Like, it sounds like you know what you definitely don't want - but maybe you need to build a more concrete, functional idea of what you see being the lifelong goal...I mean everyone wants "stable income, similar interests, hobbies both of us enjoy", which you seem to have very well laid out, but what about the specifics that would really make someone 100% special for you?

    It sounds like you are too reflective to actually be petty about superficial details, but maybe you are hanging on to these ideas because your brain doesn't know what its looking for?

    Also- not to play the sex worker card - but I think in general its harder for us to settle down because we are constantly upgrading our options and are VERY aware of our capabilities and how replacable a person can be. Plus we live lives geared around solving problems and getting what we want on our own terms- not that it is a bad thing! - but comparing your view of perfect partnerships to civilian standards isn't exactly fair

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    It seems like you haven't truly fallen in love with someone yet, or at least found that spark where you're irresistibly drawn to him and can't stop thinking about him. I would bet that when you find that, all the checkboxes will fly right out the window. Now of course you don't want the opposite problem, where you're crazy about a guy who is bad for you, but it doesn't sound like you're headed down that path.

    How about establishing baseline attractiveness and job-having requirements for guys and then dating based on the emotional connection you feel with them?

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    I think you're focusing too much on superficial issues. You need to decide what your values are and find someone who embodies them. No one is perfect, and it's unrealistic to expect that when you aren't perfect yourself. I'd love to say "don't worry about it, take your time," but if you want kids you might want to consider settling down before 38....Just sayin. If you don't care about that then just have fun and do you

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    I think it comes down to the fact that I know I should end up with a guy who has a ton of money. Especially because I want kids probably at some point and that seems like the responsible thing to do. But the reality is that I don't really care about money and I can take care of myself on a nursing salary, so I don't really care to chase money. I'm indifferent to money.

    And the problem lies in the fact that if they are boring, as in no deep sense of artistry and aesthetic in the form of a career or strong hobby, then I lose interest.

    There are not enough hours in a day for a man to be both a high earner and also have some art/music career or hobby at the same time. And if that kind of person exists, they don't have time to date and have women swarming them constantly. Even my ass knows that's not realistic for a mate lol. I don't know what to do.

    How I've been doing it all of my 20s is dating guys who have some career in art/music but usually a more stable one (architecture, graphic design, industrial design, music a&r, etc) with them having come from a wealthy family so I know there will be some sort of major stability in their life to come. I could give 3 shits about money, but what I don't want is to end up with a guy whose lifestyle/bills I'm paying for. I'd rather be single in that case.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    I think you're focusing too much on superficial issues. You need to decide what your values are and find someone who embodies them. No one is perfect, and it's unrealistic to expect that when you aren't perfect yourself. I'd love to say "don't worry about it, take your time," but if you want kids you might want to consider settling down before 38....Just sayin. If you don't care about that then just have fun and do you
    One of my sisters had her baby at like 46, and she still wasn't ready. All she does is talk about her old party girl music groupie life even now in her 50s lol. I just feel like I don't want kids until I'm basically at a point where I have to have them so I don't have a grass is greener on the other side moment. I do want that life eventually because I see 40somethings in the 20something party scene and it's awkward. I think 36 37 38 would be ideal for me.

    I also don't know where I want to end up. If I should leave the country and pursue a life in Berlin or London. Like as a nurse, and then marry a local. I don't speak German so I'm probably fucked with Berlin. Or if I should move to NYC and become an obnoxious Manhattan mom like my ex from 10 years ago keeps pressuring me to do with him. Or if I should just stay where I am and save for a small house to live a lowkey life in. I'm at a big crossroad with far too many options and it's giving me anxiety. I've never been at a bigger crossroads than right now.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    How do you get over grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome? Because that is my biggest obstacle. Does that even ever go away?

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    There are 7.125 billion people in the world. If anything, the world is your oyster. If you are at the point where you can make decisions about life partners and place of residence, it means you are FREE. You are not tied down to anyone, or anything but yourself.

    Statistics say that 1 out of 12 people can be your soul mate. That's a lot of people if you are just thinking about the math. If you are metaphysical/spiritual it is said in many disciplines that love is supposed to be effortless and not something that has to be questioned.

    Never settle. You will find the love of your life if you believe he is out there and there will be no denying it at all when you do meet him. Enjoy your life as much as you can, pursue your happiness and really listen to the guidance that is inside of you. Get out there and live your amazing life to the fullest and stop worrying about the future.
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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Quote Originally Posted by Velveteen.Rabbit View Post
    How do you get over grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome? Because that is my biggest obstacle. Does that even ever go away?
    Yes, it does go away. You don't look at the grass anymore, you see the sky, the clouds, the ocean etc. and then you come back home.
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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Quote Originally Posted by Velveteen.Rabbit View Post
    One of my sisters had her baby at like 46, and she still wasn't ready. All she does is talk about her old party girl music groupie life even now in her 50s lol. I just feel like I don't want kids until I'm basically at a point where I have to have them so I don't have a grass is greener on the other side moment. I do want that life eventually because I see 40somethings in the 20something party scene and it's awkward. I think 36 37 38 would be ideal for me.

    I also don't know where I want to end up. If I should leave the country and pursue a life in Berlin or London. Like as a nurse, and then marry a local. I don't speak German so I'm probably fucked with Berlin. Or if I should move to NYC and become an obnoxious Manhattan mom like my ex from 10 years ago keeps pressuring me to do with him. Or if I should just stay where I am and save for a small house to live a lowkey life in. I'm at a big crossroad with far too many options and it's giving me anxiety. I've never been at a bigger crossroads than right now.
    Of course it's possible to have kids into your 40's or even 50's but it's the exception, not the rule. You also have a higher risk of producing children with disabilities the longer you wait....not to mention you'll spend your 50's/60's dealing with teenagers. :/ Just something to consider. It sounds like you really value your freedom so you may not be the type who would be happy married with a family, and there's nothing wrong with that either. I know plenty of people who have no interest in having kids or ever settling down and they're just as happy as anyone else. As far as the grass is greener, when you're with someone who loves you unconditionally and you love them the same way, you'll stop looking around. Of course loving someone unconditionally is a choice, not a feeling, and it's not always easy.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    I don't really want to think about kids in my 20s unless I get pregnant TBH. I think 33+ is ideal at least before I start focusing on it. I mean if it happens great but I don't think it will TBH. My biggest problem is that what looks good on paper is not what I end up being happy with. What I will end up being happy with is an obscure anomaly of weird characteristics I care about and can't control. I guess I keep trying to force myself into the other mold of what I should want, but it's not working so I think I'm just going to go all out with what I'm actually into. The feeling I have right now is exactly why people make bad choices lol!

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    It is perfectly okay for a man not to be into the same music as you are, that is what friends are for. Being to short, we both know that doesn't matter.

    No one NEEDS to get married. We no longer live in times where a man needs to protect & provide for the wife & kids in order to survive.

    No one needs a marriage license to be committed to eachother & have kids. Marriage is NOT a guarantee of income stability or happiness.

    It is our mistakes that teach us the most, it is the mistakes that keep life interesting. No life, no person is perfect on or off paper. Do you need to be a "stepford" wife for the man you marry to be happy?

    There are no guarantees, no life is without troubles & trials. It is weird that you seek perfection in quest of never making a mistake. Perfection is boring.

    In the end, who can make you smile & get you through the worst of what life throws at you and can you do that for them in return. When you are old and dying, do you say "oh, he should have been taller? He should have like the same music?" Those are not the regrets people have when they lived a long life.

    Many regret never going for it, not going for it and then correcting what wasn't working in the long run.

    You can shack up with a guy for a few years..

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    I'm literally only attracted to musicians and people who are into that scene. That's the #1 reason I relocated to where I am now. For the underground music scene. Luckily all of these guys have day jobs too since such is the LA way. I try to be attracted to non-musicians but it doesn't work. And by musician I don't mean someone famous. These are underground ones. I'm a musician so we need to share this passion or it will not work out because I won't be happy. My first boyfriend at like 12 was a musician. Almost all the ones I've ever had were musicians. I could give 9368 fucks about money because nursing pays well and so does pro domme. I don't want a leech or a male gold digger but I do want a musician who makes decent money with a day job. I literally won't be happy if I compromise on that and it's not something I want to like, but something I just do and have no control over. I've tried to not like them but it doesn't work. I've tried to distract myself with other types I might also like, but that also doesn't work. I feel like I should just marry some boring guy for cash reasons but I can't get myself to do it because I'd hate it so much lol.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Quote Originally Posted by Velveteen.Rabbit View Post
    I'm literally only attracted to musicians and people who are into that scene. That's the #1 reason I relocated to where I am now. For the underground music scene. Luckily all of these guys have day jobs too since such is the LA way. I try to be attracted to non-musicians but it doesn't work. And by musician I don't mean someone famous. These are underground ones. I'm a musician so we need to share this passion or it will not work out because I won't be happy. My first boyfriend at like 12 was a musician. Almost all the ones I've ever had were musicians. I could give 9368 fucks about money because nursing pays well and so does pro domme. I don't want a leech or a male gold digger but I do want a musician who makes decent money with a day job. I literally won't be happy if I compromise on that and it's not something I want to like, but something I just do and have no control over. I've tried to not like them but it doesn't work. I've tried to distract myself with other types I might also like, but that also doesn't work. I feel like I should just marry some boring guy for cash reasons but I can't get myself to do it because I'd hate it so much lol.
    There are plenty of musicians with steady pay checks & ability to make money. No fame, but still earn. Especially writers who get published & recorded. Then there are studio musicians and music teachers. Lots of them in successful relationship.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Yes lol I wrote that that's who I date. And usually men from wealthy families but not wealthy themselves. But it still never feels like enough. It's only a very specific few styles of underground music I like. Not something a music teacher would teach. It's specific scenes. It's just all I care about and I don't want to, but I do. It's more of the gothy electronic synth darkwave postpunk crowds orrrrrrr BIBA influenced late 60s - 70s rock n roll fanatics. Literally only those. As much as I try to stop it, I cannot. I'm actually about to throw in the towel and just give in to it as I type this.

    In the back of my mind I always think I should be dating someone with a 200k+ salary because I can and seems like the safe bet if ever wanting kids. But I can't get myself to do it. They're always boring guys who do nothing but work all the time at their boring job every time I meet one of them. And you almost have to be that dedicated to work if you want a big salary like that. Salary isn't even important to me but it is something I feel like I should care about, yet don't. After it hits the 50-60k mark (which are most decent career jobs in LA), then I stop caring completely.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Girl, you might need more professional help then. There are plenty of men with good jobs who do music as a hobby, but seems you are after that life style.

    Guys with rich parents that now don't actually earn an income never will. They never had to work or earn anything. Keep in mind the music you like today may not be the music you are into 1 yr from now and especially 10 years from now. Eventually, it will give you a headache.
    wh
    Being into a certain kind of music doesn't mean it needs to fill your life 24/7. In the 70s there used to be hippies and those who lived that whole life style, eventually they all took baths, cut their hair & got JOBS and became some of the richest people in the world. Seems you are still looking at the situation in a short term manner. Cause how many old hippy do you see still living like they did in the 70s? There are a few, I've met them, but they all eventually moved on from it.

    Sure that kind of lifestyle & men who pursue it are not the best mates for life & kids. So fuck them, date them then eventually you will stop romantizing this whole thing and move on. LOTS of my girlfriends in the 80s loved long haired skinny make up wearing rock band guys. Guess what, none of them date that type now. All those guys cut their hair & got real jobs eventually too. Except for Siagon Kick, who knows where Tom is so one of my bff's can divorce his ass.

    All hippies, 80s hair bands, 70s punk rockers grow up and move on in life and those who don't just look sad and pathetic. To be honest, those guys don't age well either.

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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    Are you actually reading the replies? Lol. I always date guys who are employed with a steady job and I just wrote that I probably wouldn't date a guy who didn't make at least 50-60k per year. On top of that they usually come from wealthy families, meaning they will likely inherit things too. Music no longer pays anything and you're lucky to cover expenses, so literally all of these guys have some kind of full time job or they wouldn't be able to even survive in LA. Many actually have decent jobs from graphic or industrial design to architecture etc. I wouldn't just date some unemployed guy lol. But these aren't 200k annual compensation jobs.

    The problem is that logically I feel like I should only date men who are making 200k+ since women are kind of designed to chase after the "best" provider possible. But my problem is that I try to care about that and don't. Again, after 50-60k I could care less what they make. I've tried to care but I do not.

    I don't hang out with hippies... Or date any. The only thing BIBA has in common with hippy is the time period. My type would be classified more as like gothy guys or punk guys? But I see people keeping that style forever honestly since some of them are old now. Affinities for certain styles and mentalities don't go away. I see 50s pinup girls everywhere too, sometimes older. And most of the men I date are 30s or pushing 40 so they are pretty settled in their interests and ways. Perhaps SW is not the best place for advice since its kind of one of those you have to see it to understand what I mean kind of things.

    Last, they don't have to be in a band per se. But all the guys I'm into have dabbled in music and music is a big part of their life. Like that's just their hobby and always has been, whether it's playing music or going to shows. I really don't think that would ever go away. Even at some shows I go to, it's not uncommon to see 40somethings and 50somethings. It's just something they like that doesn't go away, and I don't believe there's a reason to ever get rid of it.
    Last edited by Velveteen.Rabbit; 04-04-2016 at 11:01 PM.

  37. #24
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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    I find your dilemma somewhat puzzling. So you are only able to have feelings for guys into your type of music, but you are able to find and date ones with decent jobs and who presumably treat you well? I mean, case closed, obviously that's what you need to work with. Forget about wanting them to be wealthy, taller, or whatever else. You may well make more money than he does as a nurse, this is a common dynamic these days, if you find yourself resenting it then take several deep breaths and refocus your attention to everything he brings to the table. The one you're dating currently sounds great and worth keeping, though I kinda feel bad for the dude since he seems to be in love with you but you secretly can't get over the fact that he's a little bit too short.

    Maybe a mental experiment would help. Do you think that a well-adjusted man would go on a date with you, or with any girl, and think, "Well, I could see myself really falling for her, but what's preventing it is that her tits are too small/she's 3 years older than my preference/she only makes $50K"? What would you think if a guy claimed to feel connected to you, but had inner reservations about the car you drive? Personally, I would think this guy didn't know how to love.

    Could you maybe be overestimating your league? Is there a part of you that thinks you should be on par with the super-rich, tall, handsome artistic genius? I could see how that would lead to your problems. Maybe consciously you know you're not in the 0.1% of people, but your inner self has yet to catch up.

    Or maybe you feel like your partnership will somehow be less fulfilling if your partner isn't perfect? Trust me, your bliss from day to day will depend on how you two fit together and help each other, it is not relevant whether or not he has a bunch of "perfect mate checklist" qualities.

    Finally, Sam38g has a great point about how the musician may change his interests over time. Who you are in your late 30s/early 40s definitely isn't a guarantee of who you'll be a couple of decades later. In fact, that's the tail end of the artistic focus for a lot of people, and then they trail off into having and providing for children, and the childless ones find it harder to keep things going with their friends bailing.

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  39. #25
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    Default Re: I Can't Commit

    I think leagues are a myth. It's more like are you someone's type and are you in the right place at the right time. I have had many men comment that my boobs are too big or that they think blondes are ugly (I'm brunette). People look for specific things in a partner and there's no universal code if you've already hit the "she's attractive" zone.

    What I'm looking for doesn't exist, and I already know that. Someone who is an artist, has a high pay day job, an excellent dresser, tall, very attractive, etc is a needle in a haystack with 9,000 other women trying to find that same needle at the same time. He wouldn't make a good mate for that reason if he did exist, and most wealthy men trade the woman in for a new model in 5 years or secretly buy escorts just because they can. So I know this. I just can't fully commit because the adult industry has caused me to have a "it's never enough!" greedy mentality.

    I meet men who make a lot but it seems they only got that far because their career is their life. I don't want that. Id never date a doctor because they're married to their work and that doesn't sound like a good mate for what I want. Like I don't even want a man with a lot of money, I just feel guilty as a woman to not want that. I feel like a woman with a broken brain lol. Shouldn't I want to pick the guy with the most money? Because I certainly do not find the ones I'm meeting who have money attractive at all lol.

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