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Thread: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

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    Default Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    I just got out of a long relationship, I'm definitely not looking for anything serious. I haven't had sex since and I might actually be going mad. A past hookup has been texting me, he was a reallllly good lay but he always had a pattern to not text back after we done the deed, until he's ready to meet up again. It was basically all on his terms, I was just on call (He's also 10+ years older). I just want a guy to hook up with, and also care about ME and not just pussy. I don't want a relationship, just text me back when we're done fucking. Buy me pizza, take me out. Why is it so hard to find an actual FWB am I just asking for too much?
    -for a dreamer, night's the only time of day-

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    Senior Member snakesandmonkeys's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    I feel ya sister! Also just got out of a long relationship, also have no desire to be in another one. But, girls like to fuck too yanno.
    I have definitely not found the balance. I either have guys that I'm super attracted to, who don't respect me and make me feel worse, or guys who SAY they are ok with something more casual, but who catch feelings and want more, and then I feel like a dick.
    I think it takes a really special person and a really special circumstance for it to work.
    Not sure what your sposed to do in the mean time
    If you figure it out, let me know

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    Member Barbie666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Quote Originally Posted by snakesandmonkeys View Post
    I feel ya sister! Also just got out of a long relationship, also have no desire to be in another one. But, girls like to fuck too yanno.
    I have definitely not found the balance. I either have guys that I'm super attracted to, who don't respect me and make me feel worse, or guys who SAY they are ok with something more casual, but who catch feelings and want more, and then I feel like a dick.
    I think it takes a really special person and a really special circumstance for it to work.
    Not sure what your sposed to do in the mean time
    If you figure it out, let me know
    Ugh I will let you know lmao. I know there are guys out there that want the same thing, just can't find them.
    -for a dreamer, night's the only time of day-

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    Featured Member wish's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    IMO the problem is MOST guys feel different about FWB definition than us girls. I've had two FWBs in my life. One ended because he wanted me to have feelings for him that I didn't have and this last one ended because well he does cocaine. In the end I've found a good one nighter isn't so bad. However if you pick a selfish guy / bad lay for a one night stand and you haven't had any in a long time you may have a strong urge to rid the earth of him.
    Last edited by wish; 04-05-2016 at 03:08 PM. Reason: Spelling error

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    Senior Member snakesandmonkeys's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    I have never had the best of luck with one night stands. There is too much bad sex/tiny penis/absolute crazy town out there. It also usually takes me a few times to feel comfortable enough to come.
    And there is nothing worse that a guy panting next to you, "oh my god baby that was great" while you think "I wasn't even close to close".

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    Senior Member snakesandmonkeys's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    I also have the worst urges to call my ex after failed one night stands.
    My vagina trys to override my brain and be like "aww, he was a deadbeat sociopath, but he had a nice dick and knew how to work your clit"
    I guess it's working really hard and mastrubating for me for the next little bit

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    Member Barbie666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Quote Originally Posted by snakesandmonkeys View Post
    I have never had the best of luck with one night stands. There is too much bad sex/tiny penis/absolute crazy town out there. It also usually takes me a few times to feel comfortable enough to come.
    And there is nothing worse that a guy panting next to you, "oh my god baby that was great" while you think "I wasn't even close to close".
    Exactly! I wish i could just hook up with someone ive already hooked up with that way i know what to expect. But they're all assholes!!!!
    -for a dreamer, night's the only time of day-

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    God/dess DonaDiabla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Yes, it is possible to have a fwb without getting screwed over. I had two of them at the same time and it was great. But then again, I never got emotional attached to the penis nor the man. Also I laid down the law and told them what I was about. So, I would pick guys who are evenly matched.

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    Featured Member luvnrockets's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    I would never ever fuck a guy if I knew he had no interest in me as a human being. If you can't drink a beer with me after we fuck, or hang out without fucking, you're an immature douchebag.

    Fortunately, guys better than this exist. I have found the most sexually mature men and women to be involved in the BDSM scene (although there are douchebags everywhere).
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    There got to be a kind FWB type guy for you.

    In the meantime, a vibrator, a dildo, or your hand is the next best thing.

    If all else fails Depending on how much money you have to solve your problem you could pay a dude like a male stripper/ male gigalo to get exactly what you want.

    But really I think even though you're not interested in serious relationship right now perhaps you're moving too fast with the guy who only text you for sex. Just because you don't want a serious relationship doesn't mean you don't want a little romance. Maybe get them to do these romantic things for you first before you give out any sexual favors.

    Also, You probably need to get out and meet more men. This increases the chance of finding what you want.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Look, guys are dense. Do not attribute actual thought process to the behavior you are seeing.

    What is wrong with a 'these are the rules for access to my vagina' conversation?

    Like you WILL text me the next day and tell me that I am the absolutely best lay on the planet. You will spend $13.47 on a pizza and consume it in my presence.

    My best FWB were all exe's. You already know that you fuck well and that you cant stand each other outside of the bedroom so conflict is minimized

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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    My current fwb arrangement is working awesome because he lives 60 miles away. Also he initially said he didn't consider us to be dating so that freed me from feeling guilt over anything else I'm doing. We practice safe sex & communicate by text/fb.

    I personally don't use exes for fwb sex because I can't hide my disgust/annoyance with someone, not just exes.

    My advice to prevent the butthurty part that can come with fwb arrangements is, don't communicate except for "visits." You know his place, he knows his place.

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    Featured Member wednesday86's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    I think texting, eating together, spending time together and fucking is dating. I mean really what's the difference? I don't see how two people could spend all that much time together, have sex and not catch feelings..Someone is going to get attached...and no I would not hook up that guy if you're already worried about him not texting you. Just date guys and if you don't like them, dump them. Then you get all the pizza, texting and sex you want. Most guys are not going to invest that much time, energy and money into a girl they're just hooking up with.

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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    ^^Agreed. Your initial post basically sounds like you want a bf - but without the commitment of a bf. But most guys are not going to go out of their way to take you out, buy you food, and keep up communication on a regular basis if you're just a fwb.

    Can you have guy friends that you eventually have sex with who also view you as a human being? Sure. I've done it. But you have to keep your expectations in check. Will they join you out for some food and drink? Sure, but they probably won't specifically take you out, plan something, and foot your half unless it's a special occasion and you've been good friends a long enough time. Will they text you back? Sure - if the conversation is something that exchanges information and not just cutesy "Whatcha up to?" convo every few days. You can and should expect guys you're sleeping with on a regular basis to give a fuck about you on a basic friend level - but it sounds like your expectations for basic friend level from a fwb are a little out of touch with what you would probably actually consider "friend behavior." Do you expect your female friends to take you out and buy you pizza? If sex is suddenly changing what you expect from a friend with benefits, then that's not really what you're looking for.

    Any decent human being should be able to respond to a text every couple of weeks, and if a guy can't even handle that, then don't sleep with him again, just like you wouldn't hang out with a friend who never returned your texts unless she "needed something." But ask yourself before you hit "send" why you're really texting. Even I have ignored men's "innocent friend" texts when I know they're more into me than I'm into them, and it's obvious the texts are just a bid for my attention. "Give me attention" texts are actually really obvious to spot, even if the sender would swear they were "just being friendly" (and yes, I've been guilty of doing this to guys too).

    If you want a real fwb, go through your existing male friends who already treat you as a friend. Start with a base of real friendship, but with someone who you obviously haven't wanted a relationship from already, so you know you won't get feelings and start expecting more. Otherwise, it sounds like you should either admit that you want to really date men or temper your expectations. And I don't mean that to sound harsh - other people on here basically gave me the same tough love when I was in a sticky fwb situation, and it really finally clicked wtf I was doing to myself.

    ETA: IME, the best/easiest fwb situations were with guys who were in good open relationships. Guys who can pull off a real, successful open relationship with communication are usually more mature, plus you both know exactly where the other stands in terms of "future romance" or lack thereof. They were free to be real friends to me without it clouding expectations or expectation of expectations or anything.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 04-06-2016 at 03:47 PM.
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    I think texting, eating together, spending time together and fucking is dating. I mean really what's the difference? I don't see how two people could spend all that much time together, have sex and not catch feelings..Someone is going to get attached...and no I would not hook up that guy if you're already worried about him not texting you. Just date guys and if you don't like them, dump them. Then you get all the pizza, texting and sex you want. Most guys are not going to invest that much time, energy and money into a girl they're just hooking up with.
    I wholeheartedly disagree. I know plenty of guys who are happy to be friends-- REAL friends, with a sexual aspect to the relationship, and no commitment. This is mostly because such guys and girls have evaluated the other person and determined that they are not looking for the same things in a romantic relationship, but concluded that there is no reason to drop the friendship aspect.

    There's a LOT of options between booty call and primary partner/committed relationship. I have a handful of male (and female) friends that I have a sexual relationship with but don't consider boyfriends or girlfriends.

    If this isn't the norm, I'm so glad I don't look for guys to fuck in normal places.
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Quote Originally Posted by luvnrockets View Post
    I wholeheartedly disagree. I know plenty of guys who are happy to be friends-- REAL friends, with a sexual aspect to the relationship, and no commitment. This is mostly because such guys and girls have evaluated the other person and determined that they are not looking for the same things in a romantic relationship, but concluded that there is no reason to drop the friendship aspect.

    There's a LOT of options between booty call and primary partner/committed relationship. I have a handful of male (and female) friends that I have a sexual relationship with but don't consider boyfriends or girlfriends.

    If this isn't the norm, I'm so glad I don't look for guys to fuck in normal places.
    Well you must know a lot of really mature people who are comfortable with open relationships, but I rarely see it working out for most people. I wonder how many of the people you're involved with honestly don't have feelings for you and want something more (even if they don't say it?) I would not be okay sleeping with someone who basically told me I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date, and also slept with other people. I'm glad it's working out for you but I almost never see it working out that well for other people. I see a lot of people just getting hurt when they start wanting their 'friend' to be more than a friend, and their feelings aren't reciprocated. IMO it's a dangerous game to play if you're the romantic/monogamous type.

    I also never said dating = commitment. She could date different guys, let them take her out and have fun without being exclusive to anyone right away.

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    ^^Agreed. Your initial post basically sounds like you want a bf - but without the commitment of a bf. But most guys are not going to go out of their way to take you out, buy you food, and keep up communication on a regular basis if you're just a fwb.

    Can you have guy friends that you eventually have sex with who also view you as a human being? Sure. I've done it. But you have to keep your expectations in check. Will they join you out for some food and drink? Sure, but they probably won't specifically take you out, plan something, and foot your half unless it's a special occasion and you've been good friends a long enough time. Will they text you back? Sure - if the conversation is something that exchanges information and not just cutesy "Whatcha up to?" convo every few days. You can and should expect guys you're sleeping with on a regular basis to give a fuck about you on a basic friend level - but it sounds like your expectations for basic friend level from a fwb are a little out of touch with what you would probably actually consider "friend behavior." Do you expect your female friends to take you out and buy you pizza? If sex is suddenly changing what you expect from a friend with benefits, then that's not really what you're looking for.
    Barbie, this 100% IMHO.

    Women seem to have this amazing ability to maintain various nuanced relationship types and levels. Most men, however, are just not wired like that. This is not a cop out or an excuse for bad behavior, but simply a reality. Either we emotionally invest in someone or we don't. Sure we can have friends and even fwb situations, but a lot of what you are talking about sounds more like a surrogate boyfriend than simply a fwb. That's an emotional high wire that most guys are just not capable of walking. Most will either end up falling short of your expectations of what a fwb should be or develop feelings for you and want more.

    Aurora's idea of starting with an existing male friend may not be a bad idea. And before you start questioning whether a particular male friend really wants to have sex with you, trust me he does. It is amazing how blind girls are to the fact that their unattached male friends are almost universally attracted to them, or never question why ugly awkward girls never seem to have male friends.

    Good luck!

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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    I would honestly consider sugar dating if you want to be a little spoiled but also want some sex that isn't monogamous.

    I think you can easily find what you want in the non-sugar route too. Just be CLEAR about what you want.
    I personally can't stand physical relationships without clear lines. I had what you wanted about 5 years ago but it was an open relationship ( like Aurora said ) with CLEAR lines . In the end it didn't work for me, but it was really nice for 5-6 months ( less so at the end and I left to find a more traditional relationship ).

    I eventually wanted a boyfriend / monogamy and found a situation that works well ( current partner ).

    This guy seems to be putting in ZERO effort which would be such a turn off !
    Last edited by carmen_b; 04-07-2016 at 07:59 AM.

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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Reading some of the commentary, I will revise, some of what I callously call FWB were really dating. I mean what is wrong with dating? We are all grownups. Just be clear about what you are doing with who you are doing it with

    I will say that if you are dating a guy and had the talk that puts him in his place it may be difficult to impossible to change that.

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    Default Re: Is it possible to have a fwb..without getting screwed over

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I would honestly consider sugar dating if you want to be a little spoiled but also want some sex that isn't monogamous.

    I think you can easily find what you want in the non-sugar route too. Just be CLEAR about what you want.
    I personally can't stand physical relationships without clear lines. I had what you wanted about 5 years ago but it was an open relationship ( like Aurora said ) with CLEAR lines . In the end it didn't work for me, but it was really nice for 5-6 months ( less so at the end and I left to find a more traditional relationship ).

    I eventually wanted a boyfriend / monogamy and found a situation that works well ( current partner ).

    This guy seems to be putting in ZERO effort which would be such a turn off !
    I've actually been thinking about sugar dating. I have a profile with seeking arrangements, but it seems most of the men there just want sex for money. I have no clue how to meet a sugar daddy, maybe when I'm finally working at a club it will be easier.any suggestions to find one till then?
    -for a dreamer, night's the only time of day-

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