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Thread: Dumping a friend

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    Default Dumping a friend

    My best friend came to visit for a weekend earlier this month. We've known each other for close to 15 years, although we lost touch for a while shortly after we both got married.

    I don't know if he's changed over the years, I've grown a backbone and won't put up with the same bullshit I used to or if he's always been this way and I never got a large enough dose to see how bad it was, but he's a total asshole. He treated me like shit and bordered on being downright abusive, at times. At this point, I want nothing to do with him and figured that I wouldn't hear from him after he left.

    He's been calling every few days and I've been ignoring his calls, but I feel like a short, politely worded "fuck you" email is probably a good idea. Something like:

    Shitbag,

    I have received your calls and voicemails. At this point, I have little to say to you, other than to express shock and disappointnent at your behavior while you were here. After some reflection, I am of the opinion that there is no way to continue this friendship. I wish you the best, but insist that you stop trying to contact me as I have no desire to discuss this any further.

    Kira

    I'm not sure if I should elaborate on some of the more offensive things he did. I really don't want to invite discussion or do anything more than to tell him, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off, but this is a longstanding friendship and it may not be that easy. I have a feeling that he's not going to take this well...

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    That may just stir waters for more trouble in the near future and if you don't wish to speak to them the best thing to do is block, though I'm sure its tempting now having that opportunity. Would you rather say what you wanted to or later think back wishing you had?

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Did you ever get the vibe he wanted to be more than friends? Because that's what it sounds like. Either that or his life is going really bad and he's angry and jealous. If you were truly still friends, IMHO, you would have smacked him and said, hey, douche, why are you being a mean girl? The distance between you says that perhaps the friendship is on your side only.

    If you truly believe he might still be a friend, put your big girl shoes on, take his call, and tell him exactly what he did. Then ask for an explanation. His response will tell you everything. If he is still being a jerk, tell him you'll see him in 5 years when he grows up. With men, especially assholes, always better to be direct.
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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    Did you ever get the vibe he wanted to be more than friends? Because that's what it sounds like. Either that or his life is going really bad and he's angry and jealous. If you were truly still friends, IMHO, you would have smacked him and said, hey, douche, why are you being a mean girl? The distance between you says that perhaps the friendship is on your side only.
    There was discussion about dating over a decade ago but he picked his ex wife, I met my ex husband and that was the end of it. We're incompatible from a dating standpoint and, as far as I knew, it'd been settled. I didn't get any vibes when he was here. He is having social issues in his life, but the reasons for it became painfully obvious. He's a pompous, spoiled brat who doesn't give two shits about anybody but himself.

    There could be jealousy. I've made a lot of progress in the past two years and he hasn't. He's one of those people who expects to be rewarded for showing up and it's not working out well for him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    If you truly believe he might still be a friend, put your big girl shoes on, take his call, and tell him exactly what he did. Then ask for an explanation. His response will tell you everything. If he is still being a jerk, tell him you'll see him in 5 years when he grows up. With men, especially assholes, always better to be direct.
    Honestly, I don't see that a friendship is even possible at this point and you're right that it's become a very one sided thing. There's always going to be some friction when somebody comes to visit and there's a change in household routine but there's a limit. I did say something early on, when he demanded that the car windows had to be down, despite the fact that I have brutal dust allergies and it was literally making me sick. He threw a massive, public fit and it was either put up with it until he left or kick him out. And that wasn't the worst thing he did.

    I don't think that somebody who's so self centered that they don't care that they're literally hurting others can ever be a friend to anybody. It's definitely not something I ever want to deal with and thinking back on the history of our friendship, I think he's always been this way, to some extent. He's 45 and I doubt that a dramatic turn around is going to happen at this point.

    Taking his call will end up in an argument. He'll try to bully me and this is not a situation where I'm going to back down. It will get ugly and it's not worth it for someone I have no interest in dealing with anymore.

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Awww hell nah!!! As soon as I saw he was 45 & still acting like a douchebag I knew I needed to post.

    He's just hitting you up because he thinks he can trade on the past. He's old enough to know that women are easier to lay when emotionally vunerable or seeking a stable/"safe" person to be around. Don't get taken advantage of....

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Well maybe his behavior is due to situational issues in his own life. If his friendship is important can you let him know how his actions affected you and see if he will apologize? If you're ready to end the friendship and this was the final straw then it is what it is.
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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Well maybe his behavior is due to situational issues in his own life. If his friendship is important can you let him know how his actions affected you and see if he will apologize? If you're ready to end the friendship and this was the final straw then it is what it is.
    I'm wondering of the issues in his life are due to his behavior. We used to live close by, so I never spent this much time dealing with him and never had a chance to see a lot of this. It's easy to be on best behavior for a few hours. Thinking back, I can remember a few moments when this stuff came out, but he was only around for a day and I rationalized it.

    I am ready to end the friendship. The complete disrespect he showed was so bad that I want nothing to do with him. He showed that he does not give a single fuck about me, so what's the point? I'm really trying to figure out the best way to do it, as ignoring a dozen phone calls over the course of 3 weeks hasn't driven that point home.

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Quote Originally Posted by kirakonstantin View Post
    I'm wondering of the issues in his life are due to his behavior.
    My Vegas betting odds are on that

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Email/text explaining you want nothing more to do with him so he gets the point and youve cleared the air , and thn block. Wouldn't recommend a face to face fight w a sociopathic jerk

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Quote Originally Posted by SnuffleUffleGrass View Post
    Awww hell nah!!! As soon as I saw he was 45 & still acting like a douchebag I knew I needed to post.

    He's just hitting you up because he thinks he can trade on the past. He's old enough to know that women are easier to lay when emotionally vunerable or seeking a stable/"safe" person to be around. Don't get taken advantage of....
    This IMHO.

    Kira, he might not have been giving off a vibe, but I doubt he went through the trouble of visiting you for a weekend just to reminisce and pal around. Maybe he picked up the vibe that he wasn't' going to get what he hoped for and acted badly in response? Maybe something else happened that bruised his ego? Obviously there was a whole lot of activity, idle chat, body language and other context that those of us reading will never know. The only person who might be able to figure it out is you, but at this point it probably doesn't matter anyway. He showed his true colors and it was obviously an ugly sight.

    If I were you, I would just tell him that you didn't like how he treated you during his visit and that you don't wan't to speak to him for a while. Obviously a while will become forever, but it is an easy way to spin it. After that, you could simply block him if you don't want to deal with him again.

    In any event, good luck with this.

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Seriously distance yourself from him. It seems like he's not going to be considerate of your feelings if you speak your peace. It'll cause more anxiety and I really have to question his motives. Totally agree he's trying to sleep with you, ugh. I hope he at least apologizes at some point, but won't hold my breath.
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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    I wouldn't bother with him. From personal experience dealing with a narcissist and coming to terms with him, there is no point explaining, discussing or arguing. Your best bet is to drop him like a bad habit. Based on the window thing, there is no point. He is immature, thinks the world revolves around him, won't be willing to see reason and will likely argue that you are crazy and that's not how the world works, and is not your responsibility. Don't waste your precious time and life dealing with him.

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Quote Originally Posted by Rispy_Girl View Post
    I wouldn't bother with him. From personal experience dealing with a narcissist and coming to terms with him, there is no point explaining, discussing or arguing. Your best bet is to drop him like a bad habit. Based on the window thing, there is no point. He is immature, thinks the world revolves around him, won't be willing to see reason and will likely argue that you are crazy and that's not how the world works, and is not your responsibility. Don't waste your precious time and life dealing with him.
    ^^^^This all day! You should do what you feel is best. Your friendship has run it's course and you are not obligated to do any more.
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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    People go through a major personality change somewhere around their mid to late 20's. Things that you had in common in the past have obviously changed and your personalities are no longer compatible.

    Do send the email, say something about treasuring the memories of your past friendship, blah, blah, blah, but say that you feel that as you've gotten older your personality changes are no longer compatible with him.

    If he is truly an asshole, there is no point in wasting your breath about telling him why his behavior is douchey. It will be ignored, anyway, or he'll take that as an invitation to argue with you.

    I've had friends "break up" with me, and I appreciated them telling me that there is no chance of us rekindling our relationship. Sure, it hurt at the time, but looking back now, I'm glad to have that person out of my life.

    My best friend in High school was a very dark, moody person. He carried weapons with him all the time, and we would laugh about blowing up the world together. I was in a very dark place at the time, as well, and his friendship nurtured me. Today, he is still a dark and moody person, but I've moved on and now love life and people. I'm glad of the friendship we had, but I grew out of my darkness, whereas he is still a nihilist. I can't really stand being around him anymore due to his attitude, which happens to be exactly what I loved about him when we were in high school.

    Some people change, other's don't. There's nothing you can do about it besides find people you mesh well with in your current reality instead of trying to make yourself mesh in with your past reality.

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Not to compare, but this happened to my twin sister and me. I simply told her that I would no longer tolerate her behavior and if she wanted to work things out, we would have to do so with a therapist. Not only did she decline, but she made sure to go on an all out campaign trying to turn everyone against me. Turned out to be jealousy issues/inferiority complex on her part. Maybe something similar is happening here with you and your friend? If they won't see a therapist with you, most likely they're trying to hide something.

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    Quote Originally Posted by Tourdefranzia View Post
    People go through a major personality change somewhere around their mid to late 20's. Things that you had in common in the past have obviously changed and your personalities are no longer compatible.

    Do send the email, say something about treasuring the memories of your past friendship, blah, blah, blah, but say that you feel that as you've gotten older your personality changes are no longer compatible with him.

    If he is truly an asshole, there is no point in wasting your breath about telling him why his behavior is douchey. It will be ignored, anyway, or he'll take that as an invitation to argue with you.

    I've had friends "break up" with me, and I appreciated them telling me that there is no chance of us rekindling our relationship. Sure, it hurt at the time, but looking back now, I'm glad to have that person out of my life.

    My best friend in High school was a very dark, moody person. He carried weapons with him all the time, and we would laugh about blowing up the world together. I was in a very dark place at the time, as well, and his friendship nurtured me. Today, he is still a dark and moody person, but I've moved on and now love life and people. I'm glad of the friendship we had, but I grew out of my darkness, whereas he is still a nihilist. I can't really stand being around him anymore due to his attitude, which happens to be exactly what I loved about him when we were in high school.

    Some people change, other's don't. There's nothing you can do about it besides find people you mesh well with in your current reality instead of trying to make yourself mesh in with your past reality.
    I think this is very true. I've seen it countless times. I think it's because people solidify the stability of their life around that age, and many others refuse to grow up. Leads to a total incompatibility. Like there is no way I could be bffs with someone living ~the stripper lifestyle~ but in my early 20s it wouldn't have mattered. And then of course, the other party would pull the jealousy card. No, your priorities are just different and when these things differ too much, it's just massively annoying.

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    Default Re: Dumping a friend

    I gotta add this since I learned it from pathetically hard life experience- NPD types view people around them as either suckers or "lucky to know" them. They will always come from a condescending/superior place whether they realize it or not.

    You might not even want to send an email if it gives him pleasure to have gotten a rise out of you, or gives him info to plan another approach to try to get back into your life when you might be weak.

    (If you wanna see some super wormy shit on YouTube, look for videos/interviews of the actor Ryan O'Neal discussing the impending death of his longtime partner Farrah Fawcett. He rolled up on her in time to get a favorable chunk of her will while she was weak & battling cancer. I'd bet a few hundred bucks to anyone that Ryan O'Neal has NPD. Of course he's been in Hollywood forever so that would be common lol.)

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