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Thread: Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

  1. #1
    Veteran Member RyanXO's Avatar
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    Default Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

    Hello everyone!

    To start off positive, let me first say it's really good to be here and finally be registered after lurking a few weeks. I used to post over at the now defunct exoticdancernet forum, and danced for about a year. I have taken the past year and a half off. I wouldn't say I am officially retired, because I want to go back badly! More on that later. Now on to the not-so-positive part...

    I've been battling really bad depression this past year and a half. It's been rough. My big brother died in a public bathroom from a heroin overdose, I had to have an abortion, I was rejected from joining the Marine Corps for being just 1 pound above their weight limit (I am very muscular and they don't measure body fat just plug in numbers to a stupid chart). Now I am 25 and still not done with school and looking back feeling I've wasted so much time. I never got to grow up normally, and had a mentally ill parent that caused me major issues and I couldn't finish college because I had to keep dropping out. Another minor (or major maybe) is my health care has suffered because of Obamacare. I make too much money to get a subsidy, but my premium is 300$ a month with a 6500$ deductible!!!
    Anyways, I can't shake this depression. I've put on 20 pounds which I can't seem lose. I am not "emotional eating!!!" I work out 3-5 times a week like I used to, and actually eat less because I have a bad appetite most of the time. I don't have confidence anymore. I feel fat an unattractive, (I don't think this is all just weight gain I just feel mentally "different") and don't enjoy things I used to. The thought of having to put on anything other than sweatpants and t-shirts seems too hard. I have headaches almost everyday, get constipated all the time, and just am generally achy. Sleep has also suffered.

    Sorry for so much negativity but I don't know what else to do. Like I said despite how I feel I push myself in the gym or jog outside in the sunshine, I get massages and eat pretty good. But no matter what I do I can't shake this. I'm not in denial, I've been seeing a therapist. But shes expensive she is 100$ dollars a session so between health insurance (which doesn't pay shit and therapist doesn't accept insurance anyways) that is 700$ a month!!! My last resort is medication...but I am afraid because the last time I tried an antidepressant it made me feel worse, suicidal actually. By the way, I have had physical to rule out any medical causes, but everything (thyroid, blood sugar, blood count, etc) is all normal. It has to be just mental. I'm getting so fed up and tired of trying.

    Lastly, I miss dancing so much. I was better off financially, and it gave me confidence. This sounds over-dramatic, but I drove past my old club one day on the way to an appointment and started crying. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me so well and is so supportive, even after we had the abortion. He isn't cool with me dancing though, and I agreed to quit when we officially got together but that's a whole other topic. I CANNOT handle a break-up right now, and I don't feel it is wise to try to dance right now with my current mental state. No way I could feel confident or hustle or even have the energy. Besides, though I am still in relatively ok shape and could get a job easily at a dive or possibly mid-tier club day shift, I just don't feel comfortable with the weight I have gained. Maybe take pole-dancing classes?

    Thank for you taking the time to read this, it feels odd going on the internet to talk to people whom I don't know about such serious topics, but us strippers have a good camaraderie and I know many of us face similar issues.

    Thanks in advance.

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    Featured Member rareaspasia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

    At this point I would have to recommend seriously giving medication a second chance. You are doing everything you should do and it isn't working which means that something in your brain is out of sync. Have you considered the possibility of cyclothymia or bipolar disorder? I have bipolar 1 but bipolar 2 is characterized by mild ups and extreme lows. The bipolar spectrum typically does not respond well to antidepressants alone and can actually worsen them just like you described. A mood stabilizer like lamictal may be what you need. I know it's a hard decision but again you are doing everything you should and you're still not feeling better.

    Im sorry you're going through this. Im fighting my way through depression now and it's so hard. Feels like I'm stuck in a tar pit. You're not alone.

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    Veteran Member RyanXO's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

    Thank you for your support! I don't feel it's bipolar disorder because I never have any mania, mild or otherwise and my therapist doesn't seem to feel my symptoms meet the bipolar I or II diagnosis. My guess would be either major depressive disorder or maybe even Dysthymia (mild chronic depression) because it isn't always debilitating to where I can't get out of bed, but it colors my outlook. But I do think I might need to bite the bullet and try meds. I've heard Wellbutrin is good and doesn't cause weight gain. Then again maybe its just life situations and not chemical I'm not sure at this point it's all so convoluted.
    Last edited by RyanXO; 04-26-2016 at 01:22 PM.

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    Default Re: Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

    There is a thread about anti depressants if you head that route.

    Just know it's not a quick fix as the meds take days to weeks to feel positive mood changes. Also medication is most effective when used in conjunction with therapy. You could get low cost mental health through a local university from grad students as well as community health centers.

    Take care of yourself and hope things improve for you.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

    Is there any local support group you can look for in regards to the grieving process?

    I can relate to some of your problems. I felt very robbed by having a deeply mentally ill parent.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

    Well, hello & welcome, & a Big Hug to you too!
    Honestly I'm not quite sure what to suggest, as I was reading your post I thought maybe if you did go bk dancing you'd be able to afford therapy..of course it's a 'catch22' cause you're not feeling up to that, which's understandable
    I recently went online, there's a site http://www.7cups.com/ I did check it out, it's not licensed therapists, but ppl w/some training..maybe an option for you Idk
    Or, w/meds maybe you could try some herbal stuff? There's a site, organicpharmacy.com they deal w/various illnesses to medicate w/herbs/vitamins. I also got a library book, The Herbal Apothecary by JJ Pursell.
    Anyway, good luck & take care


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Overwhelmed, Confused, Depressed

    Might you have ovarian cysts? They definitely cause weight that won't go away

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