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Thread: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

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    Dizzy Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    Uggghhhh. So, I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, a little off and on in the beginning before I really KNEW him, but now he's my best friend and I feel our souls are connected and we would know each other if we were disembodied somehow. He's so smart and so kind (and wise - like a truly independent thinker) and we're aligned politically, spiritually, philosophically. Physically, he is beautiful and perfect to me. He does wonderful things for me, replaced my alternator, helped remodel my bathroom, he makes great breakfast and cooks for me all the time (and a million little things I can't even count). He is supportive of my stripping career, thinks it's kindof cool (LOL!) and understands that it's a part of me, not just a youthful indiscretion or mistake, he sees it as a calling of mine. He's supportive of my vanilla job too, and just anything I do you know. He is human I suppose, but I think the way that he is and the struggles he faces in his own life are kindof natural expressions of the person that he is and I love the person that he is so I find it all endearing and love him all the more.

    Anyway - he moved away to a Buddhist monastery for a few months(his zen practice is very dear to him and I think he's feeling kindof confused or a mess or something similar), after that he has another job lined up "packing" in the Sierra Nevadas (like taking people on trips camping and hunting, like a sherpa but with horses), and after that he's doing a sustainable logging apprenticeship in Nova Scotia using draft horses, not sure how long that's gonna last but after that he's thinking about starting up his own operation after with some half-broke piss-headed mules (his phrasing). He says he can't stand living in the city anymore. And he hates our vampire lifestyle of being up so late, he wants to be up at dawn everyday. (He used to be an old-timey cowboy, like gathering cows and raising colts and stuff for ten years before he came to my city). And I know that all this is totally called for in his life, he's miserable here and just goes from one existential crisis to another, hating the work he finds in the city and the people and the insanity of modern civilization. I sympathize with his critiques but my life is here right now. I love stripping but there are no strip clubs where he's going (ever again). I love my vanilla job too, and all my friends, I could probably eventually leave them I guess, but not yet.

    But now that he's gone I'm just so so depressed. We have very limited communication while he's in the monastery, mostly letters, but even after that, when he's up in the mountains, we're not going to be able to have too much quality conversation for a while. Even if we could talk it wouldn't be enough because I love spending every day with him, like coming home to my best friend every day and doing stuff, every little thing is better when he's a part of it and if I were going through a difficult time, I'd want him with me. I dunno, this is just so hard. Things were going great you know? I feel like all we used to do was laugh constantly together. I've never had a boyfriend that I thought was funny, like really really gut busting hilarious. I wasn't even looking for that because I thought it was too much to ask. He's like beyond my wildest dreams wonderful.

    If it were a normal breakup and I hated him, I would be kicking ass at work right now and bringing home all kinds of dough. But lately I go in, and I'm depressed to begin with, but then the guys I'm supposed to pretend are great in order to make money - playing the part is just so hard. Every man is inferior to my man, there's just no competition, I can't even flirt with the idea or pretend well at all. When he was here I did better, it was an act but I did alright, but now that he's gone, all I can think about is how I miss him so so so much. I cry everyday about it. My last shift was kindof difficult - not actually difficult, but difficult for me, just typical Saturday night douche fest, and I handled it fine while I was there, made good money, but I got home and just balled my eyes out because Andy wasn't home to restore my faith in humanity.

    I don't know ya'll. What do I do?

    I mean obviously I'm going to be a logger's wife in Nova Scotia :-P, but like, for now...

    Thanks for letting me vent. I cried a lot while writing this.

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    Like when does the spontaneous sobbing at people's well-intentioned questions end?

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    God/dess SnuffleUffleGrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    I'm so jealous in a good way. I also think I know where he's working in the Sierras (I went camping there years ago.)

    I advise you look at it this way- work your hardest to put your energy somewhere else & be able to show him you applied yourself as hard as he is to his path.

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    Quote Originally Posted by VivianofAustin View Post
    I mean obviously I'm going to be a logger's wife in Nova Scotia :-P, but like, for now...
    Are you sure about that though?

    Seems unfair for him to expect you to wait there alone for him while he explores all these things.

    You think that you know him well but sometimes men will do such things as a way of moving on without having to actually man up and tell you he doesn't want to be with you any longer.


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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    I don't think that is what's going on. He is very brave and would break up with me if he didn't want to be with me. Instead he talks about marrying me and having children together and our future homestead possibilities.

    Yes it is unfair. But I also don't know how he could've made it fair? I don't like him being miserable either. He says that he does not expect me to accept him immediately (as my boyfriend/SO whatever) when we get together again, but would want to court me and put in the effort again to win my heart.

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    If you don't want a man's opinion I'll delete this post.

    First, wow, as anyone would be I'm blown away by how much you love this guy, so much so that my tiny "cynical bell" has started ringing a little. You don't really say anything bad about him. Not one thing. I think it would be healthy for you to humanize your guy a little by rounding out the picture. Everybody has *some* flaws!

    Second, while I'm all about sustainable, both in logging and in guides, this is the modern era. If you have a partner who is gloriously and hopelessly in love with you, even Gautama Siddartha Buddha would counsel you to call them frequently.

    Third, can I be a touch frank with you and say maybe you've got this fellow, wonderful as he is, on a little bit of a pedestal? And maybe you're lonely, and you've made a memory that the man might be uncomfortable with? He's very much about his own journey, which is healthy, but what about yours? You're giving credence to his path but are you caring about your own?

    Tennyson says "tis better to have lived and lost than never to have loved at all" - you've loved very greatly, be blessed for that. Focus on your journey, focus on the details you can be grateful for. That will give him the space he needs to make his decisions, and you'll be happier every day.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    Ah, those free spirit types. I dated a couple of them along my twisty path to where I am now. The ones I knew were so much fun: bright, attentive and utterly non-judgmental. They could make me feel like the center of the universe when they focused their attention upon me. Being with them felt like truly being alive and connected compared to being with anyone else, especially given their dramatic natures.

    The other side of the coin is what ultimately sucks. IME these types have little tolerance for the mundane; the ordinary trials and tribulations of life. IMHO their dramatic gestures are often an attempt to fill some bottomless hole that ultimately always makes them seek out something new and/or something simpler that doesn't require much emotional energy from them. For a while they can fill that void with a love interest, but once it becomes routine, they start looking for the exit. I've also met older versions of these types and they usually end up destitute with little to show for their lives other than a trail of broken hearts and a collection of odd stories to tell. What seems beautiful and romantic at 25 can really suck at 45, when their act gets old and ordinary life has left them behind.

    Idk this guy and I won't pretend to. But obviously whatever is leading him to jump around North America in an effort to get his head on straight is leaving little room for you. He left you to run around and do random crap, plain and simple. You live in freakin' Texas, with cattle farms and outdoor lands all over the place. You could have found a way to compromise on these issues if he was serious about sticking around. But I'm guessing that he couldn't because it is just not in his nature.

    Anyway, just one guy's for whatever it is actually worth and good luck as you work through this

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    He sounds like the quintessential adventurous hipster (I don't mean that in an insulting way), but im gunna make this short : when you really love somebody you want to be with them and you make sure to make them a part of your journey..esp if you guys are really soulmates.

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    Great advice ya'll. Thank for seeing him in a way that I temporarily cannot. My heart still hurts sometimes but I am getting along and making peace with this and moving on with my path. Right now I'm dressed like Indiana Jones except with furry panties about to meet up with friends who I may have neglected recently, and I'm gonna have a fun night. :-)

    Ya'll have given me a lot to think about, thank you.

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    I am not quite as dramatic as your (ex?)-bf, but as someone who has given someone the "I just need to be free to explore my life and possibilities" speech, I agree with the above posters. I gave this speech to my ex, and listed off all these things that I maybe, might, possibly do in the future... I still might do some of those things, but the bottom line is, if I had felt truly connected to him at the time, I would've been mentally working out a way to include him, not leaving him to sit around waiting for me to make up my mind.

    There's nothing inherently wrong with his decision to go off and do all these things. If that's how he wants to live his life, great, some people are born for that kind of adventure. But if that's the path he's choosing, he's ultimately not choosing you. If he really cared that much about making things work with you long term, he wouldn't run off for possibly years and just leave you behind to sit and wait. He would put a timeframe on things or discuss you meeting up with him in any of these places. He either doesn't care that much, or he's such a narcissist that he thinks you'll sit around twiddling your thumbs for half your life waiting for him to be "ready," which doesn't make him all that great.

    Go through the grieving process of a breakup because the way I'm seeing it, that's pretty much what this was. Of course it's gonna hurt and be sad for awhile. But I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for him to suddenly want to commit to you and bring you back into his life fully. My honest opinion is that it's time to do what you have to do to move on. If you guys are really meant to be, you'll be in a much better place to get back together if you keep focusing on yourself with the same intensity that he's focusing on himself. Take a page from his book and just be selfish for awhile to pursue your own goals, and maybe in the end you'll find yourself a different person who's ready for a different relationship with someone different and better than a "perfect" man who ditches you to run around the world without you.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 05-02-2016 at 06:27 AM.
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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    How long is this current trip again ?
    Last edited by carmen_b; 05-01-2016 at 09:26 AM.

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    Default Re: Too Hung up on my (absent) man-of-my-dreams to work?

    Ok... So I re-read and its three months monstery and three months packing ? These are some big goals / adventures . It's a challenge to see how you " fit " because that's six months of being away . It's a hard thing because he knows it's a huge romance risk ( of it dying ) to be away 6 months and he did it anyway . I'm not sure what to advise . Keep us updated !

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