Uggghhhh. So, I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, a little off and on in the beginning before I really KNEW him, but now he's my best friend and I feel our souls are connected and we would know each other if we were disembodied somehow. He's so smart and so kind (and wise - like a truly independent thinker) and we're aligned politically, spiritually, philosophically. Physically, he is beautiful and perfect to me. He does wonderful things for me, replaced my alternator, helped remodel my bathroom, he makes great breakfast and cooks for me all the time (and a million little things I can't even count). He is supportive of my stripping career, thinks it's kindof cool (LOL!) and understands that it's a part of me, not just a youthful indiscretion or mistake, he sees it as a calling of mine. He's supportive of my vanilla job too, and just anything I do you know. He is human I suppose, but I think the way that he is and the struggles he faces in his own life are kindof natural expressions of the person that he is and I love the person that he is so I find it all endearing and love him all the more.
Anyway - he moved away to a Buddhist monastery for a few months(his zen practice is very dear to him and I think he's feeling kindof confused or a mess or something similar), after that he has another job lined up "packing" in the Sierra Nevadas (like taking people on trips camping and hunting, like a sherpa but with horses), and after that he's doing a sustainable logging apprenticeship in Nova Scotia using draft horses, not sure how long that's gonna last but after that he's thinking about starting up his own operation after with some half-broke piss-headed mules (his phrasing). He says he can't stand living in the city anymore. And he hates our vampire lifestyle of being up so late, he wants to be up at dawn everyday. (He used to be an old-timey cowboy, like gathering cows and raising colts and stuff for ten years before he came to my city). And I know that all this is totally called for in his life, he's miserable here and just goes from one existential crisis to another, hating the work he finds in the city and the people and the insanity of modern civilization. I sympathize with his critiques but my life is here right now. I love stripping but there are no strip clubs where he's going (ever again). I love my vanilla job too, and all my friends, I could probably eventually leave them I guess, but not yet.
But now that he's gone I'm just so so depressed. We have very limited communication while he's in the monastery, mostly letters, but even after that, when he's up in the mountains, we're not going to be able to have too much quality conversation for a while. Even if we could talk it wouldn't be enough because I love spending every day with him, like coming home to my best friend every day and doing stuff, every little thing is better when he's a part of it and if I were going through a difficult time, I'd want him with me. I dunno, this is just so hard. Things were going great you know? I feel like all we used to do was laugh constantly together. I've never had a boyfriend that I thought was funny, like really really gut busting hilarious. I wasn't even looking for that because I thought it was too much to ask. He's like beyond my wildest dreams wonderful.
If it were a normal breakup and I hated him, I would be kicking ass at work right now and bringing home all kinds of dough. But lately I go in, and I'm depressed to begin with, but then the guys I'm supposed to pretend are great in order to make money - playing the part is just so hard. Every man is inferior to my man, there's just no competition, I can't even flirt with the idea or pretend well at all. When he was here I did better, it was an act but I did alright, but now that he's gone, all I can think about is how I miss him so so so much. I cry everyday about it. My last shift was kindof difficult - not actually difficult, but difficult for me, just typical Saturday night douche fest, and I handled it fine while I was there, made good money, but I got home and just balled my eyes out because Andy wasn't home to restore my faith in humanity.
I don't know ya'll. What do I do?
I mean obviously I'm going to be a logger's wife in Nova Scotia :-P, but like, for now...
Thanks for letting me vent. I cried a lot while writing this.




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I dated a couple of them along my twisty path to where I am now. The ones I knew were so much fun: bright, attentive and utterly non-judgmental. They could make me feel like the center of the universe when they focused their attention upon me. Being with them felt like truly being alive and connected compared to being with anyone else, especially given their dramatic natures.
for whatever it is actually worth and good luck as you work through this

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