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Thread: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

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    Senior Member Vivianna's Avatar
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    Default Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    I'm just in a really bad place in my life right now. I feel stuck and I don't know how to move forward. I am depressed and I spend literally all of my free time just sitting on my butt on the couch eating and watching TV. It's like I have no energy and no motivation. My house is a fucking mess and I recently gained ten pounds (now 140 and 5'5''.)

    I am a LPN and I work at a really really shitty nursing home. Seriously, the conditions are so bad there and I feel like I'm risking my nursing license every time I got to work. On top of that pretty much all of my coworkers dislike me and are aggressively hostile towards me. I don't think they did a background check when they hired me. I've been there for almost two years and I have been unable to get a new job. I think it's because I have an expunged prostitution record. I am not sure if it comes up or not however because healthcare uses the FBI system where they scan your prints.

    I am so unhappy with what I do for a living and I do not see a way out. I have a history of depression and I am in therapy and on a lot of medications but it does not help at all. I want to change my life and move forward but I don't know how. It's 4am and I can't sleep. I guess I am just venting but if anybody has any advice that could help I would love to hear it.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Im sorry u feel this way, i never had depression but at some point of my life i got really sad and was afraid to get into depression myself. I was never the kind of person who would sit on my butt and just feel the energy being drawn from me, coz i have 3 kids and always had to be in a good and healthy mental shape, but i feel u. Perhaps a move to another state could help u? start all over, look for different jobs in a different place, get a new way of sseeing things can really help and move and set a new life in a different place could just be the thing that could help u out this feeling? i wish u the best of luck.
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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Hope things turn around for you soon.

    Please ask HR for help. Maybe you can take a leave of absence and get your therapist to recommend. Don't let things pile up at work or get fired because you will need this place to give you a recommendation for your next job.

    As hard as it may be get out of the house, go outside for at least 20 minutes and walk, jog, bike, run, etc. One natural solution for depression is getting out in nature and getting vitamin d from the sun.

    Try to take care of yourself. And remember if there is at least one thing you can be happy about or grateful for every night this will help your outlook.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    There's an online help resource, 7 cups of tea, also onlinecounseling college.


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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    I agree with seeking help from HR. You shouldn't be made to feel like shit at your job, even if they are aware of your past history. It's not like your a murderer or anything. And if you were truly a problem, they shouldn't have hired you in the first place.

    As hard as it may seem now, try to be active everyday. Go out, exercise, give yourself little errands to do everyday. Keep busy. You'd be amazed to see how much a cleaner, de-cluttered environment can help improve your mood. No matter how bad you feel, take good care of yourself and your things. Listen to music, meditate, go jogging at the park, etc. Maybe take up bike riding. Being physical and being outdoors will improve your mood and help you get back in shape. Talk to your friends and family everyday, if you have any.

    For now, work on improving yourself and continuing with your therapy. Try to stick it out with work, get at least a year's worth of experience with them if you haven't already. If things don't get better, I would definitely look into moving to a different state and starting things over.

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    Featured Member kaninchen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    I'm so sorry! I struggle with depression too and it's really shitty, to be honest. I haven't found the perfect treatment but it really helps me if I can do at least one productive thing, no matter how insignificant, and go outside even briefly each day. It sounds like nothing, but I swear that if the only thing I do all day is take the trash out, it does minimize my symptoms.

    As for finding a new job, I wonder if there are any sex worker/lgbt/addiction "harm reduction" type of healthcare clinics near you? I suspect that if your record is the issue in finding work, they maybe less likely to hold it against you.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    I'm sorry you're going through it. I've struggled with depression as well and that foggy state where motivation and sense of time just don't exist is no fun. I agree with the advice given. Also, when it comes to cleaning: first, don't turn on the tv, it's usually a habit and then we sit in front of it and stay in front of it... so don't turn it on at all but put on music. Second, cleaning is one of the few activities that gives us instant gratification. Even if you start small like a corner of a room, a bathroom at least something so that you can see results and it will give you a boost of accomplishment. Third, but this is just me- I like to watch Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners (on youtube it's a BBC show) or hoarders or something like that because it puts the fear in me to get up and clean.
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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Do you enjoy being a nurse? It seems like it's just working in this home that you really hate. If you feel like you would be happy working in a hospital, perhaps a relocation might be in order. Nurses are needed all over the world and being educated in the US is a huge positive. Your training will be recognized in a lot of places all over the world. A big move and a fresh start might help with your depression as well. What about moving to Canada? They are always complaining about the nursing shortage because most of our healthcare workers move to the US. It doesn't pay quite as much as in the US but it's still a good job to have here. And prostitution is not illegal, so even if they did do a background check, and they were able to find your history, prostitution is no longer considered to be a criminal offense. So you wouldn't even have to write it in any job application. That might help a lot with your career mobility and in turn with your general mood and outlook. There are plenty of other countries where the same type of situation would apply, most European countries, Australia, even places like Saudi Arabia and the UAE advertise for nurses. However more conservative countries you may have similar issues with your record because of the legal stance on sex work. I suggested Canada because it is close in proximity, requires you to learn no new language, and the culture is fairly similar.
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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Why don't you go farther with schooling? Most LPN jobs are in nursing homes anyway. As an RN you could work in a clinic or hospital and you already have experience. Nursing homes are not the only sector of nursing. What about becoming a travel nurse? Or a cosmetic nurse (you need RN+)? Or a flight nurse? Or just any other specialty area?

    You could either go back to school for RN, do a certificate program, or volunteer at a hospital. It should definitely work out.

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    Featured Member Starling's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Quote Originally Posted by Vivianna View Post
    I am a LPN and I work at a really really shitty nursing home. Seriously, the conditions are so bad there and I feel like I'm risking my nursing license every time I got to work. On top of that pretty much all of my coworkers dislike me and are aggressively hostile towards me. I don't think they did a background check when they hired me. I've been there for almost two years and I have been unable to get a new job. I think it's because I have an expunged prostitution record. I am not sure if it comes up or not however because healthcare uses the FBI system where they scan your prints.

    Some nursing homes and other places allow you to go door to door and apply in person. A lot of places don't do this anymore and everything is done online, but there are still some that do. I always found it best to apply in person to any job, and was more likely to get a job faster that way.

    Some are really bad places to work and some are actually pretty decent. Maybe a change in unit or shift is what you need to at least cope with the circumstances until you find something better.

    And since you're an LPN there are probably other things you can do. Home care or community health for example. Of course there are a lot of variables in job availability, such as the city you work in, and if the area is saturated with too many nurses or if a lot of places simply stopped hiring LPNs in favor of RNs only. But there are usually places out there that do hire LPNs since they're considered 1. cheaper labor, and 2. outpatient settings would be more likely to hire LPNs vs acute care settings due to the smaller scope of practice.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vivianna View Post
    I am so unhappy with what I do for a living and I do not see a way out. I have a history of depression and I am in therapy and on a lot of medications but it does not help at all. I want to change my life and move forward but I don't know how.

    There's probably some nursing burnout in there too, and well if you don't want to pursue that avenue further in your future, what about camming? You could stay at home and start making income from that, and potential to be decent income too, without dealing with any of the backstabbing, cut throat attitudes and other drama that healthcare tends to attract.

    From the way I see it, if you want out of healthcare in general, and choose a career that doesn't do an extensive background check where they won't care about something like camming, then why not something like camming? That way you could earn decent money and invest in some other sort of training or degree and get out of your current situation.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    In the past I also dealt with depression and there are times that I still do. The things that helped me the most was walking in nature, taking off on short trips and getting out with a friend.

    You need To get out of your work environment. If you hate what you are doing, maybe start doing phone sex part time. If you don't like the way you look, you can do phone sex until you start looking and feeling better, then once you are successful with PSO, start camming, then quit your healthcare job. At that point you will be camming and PSO too.

    Having a goal always seems to set things in the right direction. Depression does suck, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you have support from SW.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Another thing that's helpful: reading. I've been through severe depression myself, and reading books definitely helped me. I especially like to read autobiographies of people who have also struggled in life but managed to pull through. Reading their stories and knowing that I'm not alone is so reassuring and inspiring. I also like self help and psychology books. Sometimes learning new things and having a better understanding can make you feel empowered.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Quote Originally Posted by Vivianna View Post
    I've been there for almost two years and I have been unable to get a new job. I think it's because I have an expunged prostitution record. I am not sure if it comes up or not however because healthcare uses the FBI system where they scan your prints.
    When in doubt, why not find out for sure? The unknown can be much more paralyzing than something that you can wrap your arms around and explain.

    Here is a link to how you can obtain your own fingerprint results from the FBI:
    https://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/id...est-to-the-fbi

    Good luck as you work through all of this.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    It sounds like you are looking for work. Have you thought about doing something freelance to bring in money to help you escape the current job situation? Even if it is just delivery for PostMates or Amazon Prime, dog walking, Offering to run errands on TaskRabbit or any design or photoshop skills you have on Fiverr.

    It's actually pretty easy to get work in the freelance economy. It isn't a permanent solution for most people, but it can give you enough financial breathing room to escape a soul sucking job.

    It's suffocating when you have to work in such terrible conditions but need the job to keep the lights on and a roof over your head.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Get into focus studies girl & market research! I quit dancing temporarily & literally have made a decent living off this shit I'm happier than I've ever been in a while from doing these gigs. I'm a lazy ass & if I can make it work then anyone can Good Luck!!! x0x0
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    Senior Member Vivianna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice. I probably should get my act together and start looking for other work, even if it's just part time so that I can try it out. Thank you so much rickdugan for that link. I had no idea how to find that information out. I'm going to try to start small and just try doing a few productive things a day because that's all I really can handle right now. I keep telling myself, "oh tomorrow I will start eating healthy and exercising." And then tomorrow comes and I feel sad and like the only thing that will make me feel better is food and I binge. Then I feel like there is no point exercising because I ate too much. But maybe tomorrow I actually will.... I am not going to stop trying.

    I have tried reaching out to HR at work and reporting people harassing me. It's complicated because I am a charge nurse so I am in charge of the CNAs and a lot of the CNAs just don't do their jobs and become hostile to me when I try to get them to do what they are supposed to do. I report this to the director of nursing, administrator, etc. and nobody really seems to care. Like I said, it's a really shitty building. I do like nursing a lot and I think I am good at it. I think finding out what is on my background check will determine whether or not I can go further in my career and my education. Nursing is a lot like being a sex worker actually. It is a very intimate job, you help people and you have to have good instincts.

    I would love to move and to start camming again but I am married. I don't think my husband would move right now because of his career and I know he would absolutely lose his mind if I went back to sex work, even if it was just camming.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Good luck with everything !
    + 1 for therapy / moving every day ect.
    I've BEEN THERE ( I " lost " 3-4 months last year in a depression fog but I'm OUT so I know it's possible ) .

    It's a time for EXTREME self care. Eat healthy / eat organic ect.
    Watch your habits and how you treat yourself. Get OUT of that job ( create a solid plan to do so ) if it's making you miserable.
    Your coworkers might not even know a damn thing other than you are attractive and that alone is enough for hostility ( especially among women which nursing often is ).
    Keep going !!

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Depression sucks. Brain chemistry can make your life worse and then you have real life stuff making you feel bad. Or, vice versa, real life shit happens then you start eating worse, not exercising, avoiding the sun and it messes up how your body is biologically.


    There are certain supplements that can help:rhodiola rosea, vitamin d, magnesium, sometimes zinc. Things like tanning, even though they are bad for your skin, help with depression so I am still a fan though I rarely do it. You can check out something called Tianeptine (I buy mine from Powder City) that has worked for me in terms of brain chemistry. My life may still have issues I need to deal with, but I don't feel like I want to crawl under my pile of dirty clothes and hide.


    If you don't have addiction/medication abuse in your history (and you don't live in one of the 3 or so states that have outlawed it) you can buy kratom online very easily. I can recommend Indo Elephant but there are many reputable sellers (just do your research.) You can keep your doses low, and take breaks from it so you know you're no getting too dependent on it. But it does help you get out from under the crap and start to make changes.


    You can either take the viewpoint that you have a lot to lose so you need to stop taking it for granted (this viewpoint never helps me), or you have almost nothing to lose and you may as well take risks and go a little crazy trying stuff (applying for jobs that you think you could never get. Or creating an alternate persona and go out and dance or hike or whatever. Pretend to be someone else so you can have a better ability to compare that to the regular you and see what you've got going for you and how to change.


    Good luck. Depression is normal. You won't change overnight. But you need to get yourself to the point where you're trying new things, giving yourself room to fail without judgement, and sometimes just saying "you know, my job sucks ass but I won't be there forever. I am not going to stress out about that this hour/day/night."


    And step away from the goddamn tv.

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    Also, I read the thing about your husband. Asking this in a completely unjudgemental way, is your husband making your life better, worse, or neither?

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    I strongly relate. I left sex work to become a teacher, and worked in a terrible school in the inner city. I had depression as well as suicidal thoughts... partly from guilt/fear that I was going to be fired, but mostly because the atmosphere at my job was brutal. Not only did I have emotional stress, but I developed physical problems including nervous tremors. Leaving that job probably saved my life. I would highly advise you to look into other jobs, even if it's not nursing. As others have mentioned, you can freelance to fill the gap between jobs. Your nursing experience will also make you a great candidate for many other jobs in the medical field, as well as unrelated jobs that will be impressed with your experience. Not everyone does background checks. You'll eventually land something that pays your bills and leaves you feeling better than your current workplace.

    You might not earn the same salary right away, which can be stressful, but it sounds like you need a change. Also, don't be afraid to ask for your help. Family and friends are often more than willing to help you out, if you just ask.

    Hoping all goes well for you! <3

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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    have you thought about a different part of that field completely? like a day program or group home, working with adults with disabilities. They're tough places to work but I prefer working in group homes to nursing homes. Helping people more with quality of life. Since there is a really high turn over rate of staff they can sometimes be flexible with things that expunged if nonviolent. Places like this is a little more geared to helping people live as opposed to just exist in a nursing home.

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    Senior Member Vivianna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ex sex-worker, feeling like a failure at life

    I actually have really good news! I got another job at a different nursing home and I start the 23rd! So I guess my arrest really was expunged and it was something else keeping me from getting all the other jobs. I'm not sure if it was everybody's advice on here or happiness about my new job but I have been feeling a lot better. I cleaned my home and my car. I worked out and ate well Monday and Tuesday (Wednesday I ate out with friends for lunch and dinner.) I keep hearing everyone's advice in my head about the self care stuff and I've really been trying to focus on that. Seashell, yes our situations do sound very similar. I'm glad you were able to get out of yours. And my husband definitely makes my life better MyChevyAdventuress. He keeps me together when I'm falling apart. I'm trying so hard not to be too hard on my self right now because I can only take baby steps but I guess what I'm doing is better than where I was. I hope my new job works out but I can't imagine it being worse than my old one.

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