This is gonna be long, i apologize but thanks for anyone who takes the time to read.
I'll start off by saying that like many of y'all I have had an extremely difficult life so far. I grew up in poverty w/ a deadbeat, drug addicted, in-and-out of prison father and my mom has always been extremely selfish and emotionally manipulative/abusive. The women on my mom's side have historically had really bad mental health issues (BPD/Bipolar/Chronic depression/Anxiety) and my mom is no different. She wanted to have a bunch of kids, i think to make herself feel more loved, yet refused to do the things parents have to do to support their kids- mostly she won't hold a job for any significant period of time and always lived off the men she dated. When i was younger it wasn't so bad, yes she treated me terribly a lot of the time but at least we had food and a home. in my early teens things changed. Her and my stepdad who i love so much got a divorce and she spiraled out of control, me and my much younger siblings lived in disgusting conditions and in terrible neighborhoods (like, the only family on a block of crack houses and bandos). At one point, she tried to kill herself over something i said to her (that my childhood wasnt as great as she thinks it was) and she made damn sure i knew it was alll my fault. My dad had overdosed and almost died too a few years prior. It was so hard seeing my siblings run around w/ no supervision while she began heavily drinking and using drugs. I did what i could for them while also working and school, but I felt so miserable i couldn't do more. luckily now my stepdad has them 24/7, because my mother is now homeless and a raging alcoholic. This is just a BRIEF summary of some of the reasons I am the way i am, i have been thru so fucking much i really can't even get into it.
All that shit has left me w/ mental health issues of my own but I have struggled SO hard and never gave up because I refuse to be like my parents. I worked my ass off since the age of 15 so I could move away and go to school. The only person in my family who has provided me ANY financial support is my grandpa, he has contributed about $10,000 to my schooling, but other than that I have supported myself almost entirely. I'm now 21 and next year i'll be graduating w/ 2 degrees.
Yet, i have such low self-esteem due to the poor treatment i've received i can't even feel proud of myself anymore. I was actually doing pretty well mentally until this year. I had to take an overnight job at a convenience store bcuz I got fired suddenly and needed $$, i thought it would be a temporary job. Not only was working third shift every wknd while all my peers came in wasted having a ball (and treating me like poor white trash even tho I went to the same fcking school as them-I cried at that job all the time) really difficult, especially w/ all my homework, but I ended up being robbed at gunpoint. Even before having my life threatened that job still changed me as a person, I fell into the deepest depression I ever felt in my life. Being treated like shit all the time started to make me feel terrible about myself and wallow in self-pity, all my bad memories seemed to come back again. I remember before I felt proud i came from nothing to where i was, then one day i was crying my eyes out after work and thought in my head "im a poor, worthless piece of shit." Like wtf...I knew how messed up it was but its hard not to internalize shit. I started to not feel proud of anything i've done or care about my well-being, i just pushed myself to the point of exhaustion all the time so i could get A's. I don't even know why, it's not like anyone in my family has expected me to come this far or could judge me if I slipped up in school.
If i hadn't had the support of my BF i don't know what i would have done. Actually, i know. i 100% would have killed myself. He supported me financially for months after i got robbed and has done so much for me to help me feel good again. He's given me the feeling of stability i literally never had, it's so hard to build something when u don't have a solid foundation in life. When no one else was there for me, literally no one he always was and still is. It may seem crazy to say this at 21, but he is definitely the man I'll marry and have kids with.
I feel I lost sight of my dreams/hopes/self and I'm just now really trying to focus on taking better care of myself.
Anyways, on to my current situation and why I'm posting here. I think i have always (maybe stupidly) valued friendship more than most ppl and always wanted my friendships to last, i feel like i expect and offer a certain level of reliability and am often disappointed when my friends seem to never be there. without the support of family most ppl have i seek that stability and comfort in friendship... Since the last semester ended about a month ago, I have literally lost the majority of the people I called best friends and thought would be in my life forever. I know at least two of them expressed that they felt I relied on them too much emotionally.
Obviously all of them knew about how shitty the past year or so has been for me. More than ever I was reaching out to friends for support since I don't have my parents to turn to. I know i was definitely needy and relied on others too much at times, but I literally had lost my sanity like never before. I was so , so deeply depressed. And it's not like these were ppl i barely knew, one girl i have been "best" friends with since elementary.
She has always been flaky w/ me, like once we were gonna be roommates and last second she told me "oh nvm" and moved in with her bf instead. I distanced myself for a long time but then reached out to her and told her I'd been hurt she wasnt there for me at all when i was going thru the worst time of my life. She felt bad and said she needed to be a better friend, she loved me so much, we'd hang out a bunch again, etc etc. Yet in the next few months she consistently cancelled plans, never answered txts, she'd throw parties at her house and post tons of pics of her and her new friends and never invited me. The 1 time we hung out was when i was helping her do stuff for her portfolio, ha. When i expressed how hurt i felt by it she basically told me GTF over it and called me weak. Lol. If theres one thing i know i'm not its weak. We havent talked since.
Another girl, a very introverted friend of mine (Im extremely extroverted, to a fault). She was someone whose friendship I cherished so much. We too had falling outs in the past, she basically ghosted me when she started dating some guy. I made the mistake of reaching out to her after a year of not talking and we got super close again, talking all day everyday. She was the catalyst for me to get over my daily suicidal ideations, just having her back in my life meant a lot. And I know i pushed her away before so i made a concerted effort not to be too "Needy" or expect too much from her.....We talked about both of our feelings and problems, not just mine... Recently she asked me abt me camming, random questions saying she was considering it. I told her she should come on SW and check it out for info and all the sudden i just get a txt back "ambercutie.com" i was like ......Yea, what abt it? I guess she was letting a camgirl friend of hers read everything i say and she grabbed my friends phone and typed that. I was seriously taken aback, like wtf so rude. I told my friend I asked her not to tell anyone im a camgirl so why would she think thats ok. She ghosted me for a month after that and then recently told me she can't be friends anymore cuz I blow up on her over "nothing" and she can't "Walk on eggshells anymore." Ummm ok. But u did something clearly shitty to me. I tried to be the bigger person and told her ok, apologized for not being a better friend and i wish her well in life even if im not in it. The bitch didnt even care enough to respond back with a "U too."
And the cherry on top, the girl who was my very best friend for 7 yrs, who shaped me into the person i am today and i did the same for her. She moved away a few yrs after we became best friends. She was a horrible long distance friend, but i would always forgive bcuz it was part of her personality...Before she moved she used to make me be in charge of her phone when we hung out or else she'd ignore evry txt she got. i visited her every year. She visited me once the summer after she moved then always was too broke or busy with other shit. I visited her last summer (last time i saw her) and she had promised me that she'd save all her adderall for me, her, and my BF so we could jus live it up and be crazy. She let her BF take it all within 48 hrs of getting it and i had to share the vyvanse i had wanted to sell for gas $$$ with her instead. She had gotten 1000 dollars from her parents the wk before (she has extremely rich parents) and blown it all on drugs and alcohol with her shithead BF, so she worked the whole wk and didn't even take time off while i was there, not even 1 day. Since she was broke we couldn't really do shit either.
Yet even after all that i still considered her my #1. 2 months ago she went thru a hard time and i was there for her in everyway, everytime she texted i'd respond instantly and try to be supportive as i could. A month and 1/2 ago she started ignoring my texts. She has ignored me for considerable periods of time a lot since she moved...I've probably texted her 7 or 8 times since we last talked, the last msg I basically begged her to talk to me. Saying I'm losing all my friends, i just need someone, my dad is going to prison, my mom treats me like shit.
Usually i just accept i can't rely on her but after i was there for her so faithfully, and after i've lost so many ppl who mattered to me, i started getting so fucking mad. I texted her BF last night, asking if she had a phone right now (she is known to break/lose her phone allll the time). When he said yes I felt my heart break bcuz I'm just done with her. I can't do this to myself anymore. I keep letting the same ppl disappoint me over and over again and letting MY self esteem suffer when they hurt me. I wonder, why am I not good enough to be treated well. How could the ppl who loved me suddenly hate me, knowing all that I'm going thru emotionally. Why doesn't so and so like me anymore. Why don't they care, it must be bcuz I'm so needy and annoying. Even my own parents aren't there for me, it must be because I'm worthless.
But i know that's bullshit....I'm trying to just focus on myself and get back into old hobbies, treat myself well, and try to build back my self esteem. I've realized I need to defend myself from shitty ppl and stop being so forgiving. I also need to be stronger in myself. But it just hurts me so deeply. I have my BF and a few good friends left and I'm just trying to focus on that. But I can't stop crying everynight when I try to fall asleep. When i called my mom sobbing abt all this and said i just don't know why all these ppl are abandoning me, she said "Its probably bcuz u come off as snobby." Lol.
Please, to anyone who replies, I know u may be tempted to point out my unhealthy reliance on others, but just know I'm already aware and I'm working on it.... I'm just very lonely and need support and loving words right now. xoxo





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