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Thread: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

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    Default Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    This is gonna be long, i apologize but thanks for anyone who takes the time to read.


    I'll start off by saying that like many of y'all I have had an extremely difficult life so far. I grew up in poverty w/ a deadbeat, drug addicted, in-and-out of prison father and my mom has always been extremely selfish and emotionally manipulative/abusive. The women on my mom's side have historically had really bad mental health issues (BPD/Bipolar/Chronic depression/Anxiety) and my mom is no different. She wanted to have a bunch of kids, i think to make herself feel more loved, yet refused to do the things parents have to do to support their kids- mostly she won't hold a job for any significant period of time and always lived off the men she dated. When i was younger it wasn't so bad, yes she treated me terribly a lot of the time but at least we had food and a home. in my early teens things changed. Her and my stepdad who i love so much got a divorce and she spiraled out of control, me and my much younger siblings lived in disgusting conditions and in terrible neighborhoods (like, the only family on a block of crack houses and bandos). At one point, she tried to kill herself over something i said to her (that my childhood wasnt as great as she thinks it was) and she made damn sure i knew it was alll my fault. My dad had overdosed and almost died too a few years prior. It was so hard seeing my siblings run around w/ no supervision while she began heavily drinking and using drugs. I did what i could for them while also working and school, but I felt so miserable i couldn't do more. luckily now my stepdad has them 24/7, because my mother is now homeless and a raging alcoholic. This is just a BRIEF summary of some of the reasons I am the way i am, i have been thru so fucking much i really can't even get into it.


    All that shit has left me w/ mental health issues of my own but I have struggled SO hard and never gave up because I refuse to be like my parents. I worked my ass off since the age of 15 so I could move away and go to school. The only person in my family who has provided me ANY financial support is my grandpa, he has contributed about $10,000 to my schooling, but other than that I have supported myself almost entirely. I'm now 21 and next year i'll be graduating w/ 2 degrees.


    Yet, i have such low self-esteem due to the poor treatment i've received i can't even feel proud of myself anymore. I was actually doing pretty well mentally until this year. I had to take an overnight job at a convenience store bcuz I got fired suddenly and needed $$, i thought it would be a temporary job. Not only was working third shift every wknd while all my peers came in wasted having a ball (and treating me like poor white trash even tho I went to the same fcking school as them-I cried at that job all the time) really difficult, especially w/ all my homework, but I ended up being robbed at gunpoint. Even before having my life threatened that job still changed me as a person, I fell into the deepest depression I ever felt in my life. Being treated like shit all the time started to make me feel terrible about myself and wallow in self-pity, all my bad memories seemed to come back again. I remember before I felt proud i came from nothing to where i was, then one day i was crying my eyes out after work and thought in my head "im a poor, worthless piece of shit." Like wtf...I knew how messed up it was but its hard not to internalize shit. I started to not feel proud of anything i've done or care about my well-being, i just pushed myself to the point of exhaustion all the time so i could get A's. I don't even know why, it's not like anyone in my family has expected me to come this far or could judge me if I slipped up in school.


    If i hadn't had the support of my BF i don't know what i would have done. Actually, i know. i 100% would have killed myself. He supported me financially for months after i got robbed and has done so much for me to help me feel good again. He's given me the feeling of stability i literally never had, it's so hard to build something when u don't have a solid foundation in life. When no one else was there for me, literally no one he always was and still is. It may seem crazy to say this at 21, but he is definitely the man I'll marry and have kids with.


    I feel I lost sight of my dreams/hopes/self and I'm just now really trying to focus on taking better care of myself.


    Anyways, on to my current situation and why I'm posting here. I think i have always (maybe stupidly) valued friendship more than most ppl and always wanted my friendships to last, i feel like i expect and offer a certain level of reliability and am often disappointed when my friends seem to never be there. without the support of family most ppl have i seek that stability and comfort in friendship... Since the last semester ended about a month ago, I have literally lost the majority of the people I called best friends and thought would be in my life forever. I know at least two of them expressed that they felt I relied on them too much emotionally.


    Obviously all of them knew about how shitty the past year or so has been for me. More than ever I was reaching out to friends for support since I don't have my parents to turn to. I know i was definitely needy and relied on others too much at times, but I literally had lost my sanity like never before. I was so , so deeply depressed. And it's not like these were ppl i barely knew, one girl i have been "best" friends with since elementary.


    She has always been flaky w/ me, like once we were gonna be roommates and last second she told me "oh nvm" and moved in with her bf instead. I distanced myself for a long time but then reached out to her and told her I'd been hurt she wasnt there for me at all when i was going thru the worst time of my life. She felt bad and said she needed to be a better friend, she loved me so much, we'd hang out a bunch again, etc etc. Yet in the next few months she consistently cancelled plans, never answered txts, she'd throw parties at her house and post tons of pics of her and her new friends and never invited me. The 1 time we hung out was when i was helping her do stuff for her portfolio, ha. When i expressed how hurt i felt by it she basically told me GTF over it and called me weak. Lol. If theres one thing i know i'm not its weak. We havent talked since.


    Another girl, a very introverted friend of mine (Im extremely extroverted, to a fault). She was someone whose friendship I cherished so much. We too had falling outs in the past, she basically ghosted me when she started dating some guy. I made the mistake of reaching out to her after a year of not talking and we got super close again, talking all day everyday. She was the catalyst for me to get over my daily suicidal ideations, just having her back in my life meant a lot. And I know i pushed her away before so i made a concerted effort not to be too "Needy" or expect too much from her.....We talked about both of our feelings and problems, not just mine... Recently she asked me abt me camming, random questions saying she was considering it. I told her she should come on SW and check it out for info and all the sudden i just get a txt back "ambercutie.com" i was like ......Yea, what abt it? I guess she was letting a camgirl friend of hers read everything i say and she grabbed my friends phone and typed that. I was seriously taken aback, like wtf so rude. I told my friend I asked her not to tell anyone im a camgirl so why would she think thats ok. She ghosted me for a month after that and then recently told me she can't be friends anymore cuz I blow up on her over "nothing" and she can't "Walk on eggshells anymore." Ummm ok. But u did something clearly shitty to me. I tried to be the bigger person and told her ok, apologized for not being a better friend and i wish her well in life even if im not in it. The bitch didnt even care enough to respond back with a "U too."


    And the cherry on top, the girl who was my very best friend for 7 yrs, who shaped me into the person i am today and i did the same for her. She moved away a few yrs after we became best friends. She was a horrible long distance friend, but i would always forgive bcuz it was part of her personality...Before she moved she used to make me be in charge of her phone when we hung out or else she'd ignore evry txt she got. i visited her every year. She visited me once the summer after she moved then always was too broke or busy with other shit. I visited her last summer (last time i saw her) and she had promised me that she'd save all her adderall for me, her, and my BF so we could jus live it up and be crazy. She let her BF take it all within 48 hrs of getting it and i had to share the vyvanse i had wanted to sell for gas $$$ with her instead. She had gotten 1000 dollars from her parents the wk before (she has extremely rich parents) and blown it all on drugs and alcohol with her shithead BF, so she worked the whole wk and didn't even take time off while i was there, not even 1 day. Since she was broke we couldn't really do shit either.


    Yet even after all that i still considered her my #1. 2 months ago she went thru a hard time and i was there for her in everyway, everytime she texted i'd respond instantly and try to be supportive as i could. A month and 1/2 ago she started ignoring my texts. She has ignored me for considerable periods of time a lot since she moved...I've probably texted her 7 or 8 times since we last talked, the last msg I basically begged her to talk to me. Saying I'm losing all my friends, i just need someone, my dad is going to prison, my mom treats me like shit.


    Usually i just accept i can't rely on her but after i was there for her so faithfully, and after i've lost so many ppl who mattered to me, i started getting so fucking mad. I texted her BF last night, asking if she had a phone right now (she is known to break/lose her phone allll the time). When he said yes I felt my heart break bcuz I'm just done with her. I can't do this to myself anymore. I keep letting the same ppl disappoint me over and over again and letting MY self esteem suffer when they hurt me. I wonder, why am I not good enough to be treated well. How could the ppl who loved me suddenly hate me, knowing all that I'm going thru emotionally. Why doesn't so and so like me anymore. Why don't they care, it must be bcuz I'm so needy and annoying. Even my own parents aren't there for me, it must be because I'm worthless.


    But i know that's bullshit....I'm trying to just focus on myself and get back into old hobbies, treat myself well, and try to build back my self esteem. I've realized I need to defend myself from shitty ppl and stop being so forgiving. I also need to be stronger in myself. But it just hurts me so deeply. I have my BF and a few good friends left and I'm just trying to focus on that. But I can't stop crying everynight when I try to fall asleep. When i called my mom sobbing abt all this and said i just don't know why all these ppl are abandoning me, she said "Its probably bcuz u come off as snobby." Lol.

    Please, to anyone who replies, I know u may be tempted to point out my unhealthy reliance on others, but just know I'm already aware and I'm working on it.... I'm just very lonely and need support and loving words right now. xoxo






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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    Yes. You're already aware from the feedback your "friends"' give you that you're relying on them too much perhaps to a level of codependency. When you have problems in life, your friends want to help you out a bit but for the most part you're expected to use coping skills and solve your own problems or get professinal therapist to help you. Never rely on friends as therapist because not only with they spill all your secrets and gossip about you but they start seeing you like that one girl did - weak and pitiful.

    Just so you know the only relationships that are supposed to be "forever" are marriages and even those don't last - half end in divorce and people do die. Nothing is forever. Even if you do have long lasting friendships be sure to give each other space from time to time.

    Also your life has been filled with many challenges and obstacles and you seem to internalize and blame yourself for these things. Those events are not your fault. You were simply In high risk situations and sh*t happens. Bad things happen to good people in life and it sucks majorly. But thankfully you are alive and you have resources to make your life as beautiful as you want.

    You said you wanted your life to go much better than your parents so keep that in mind. You don't have to repeat their cycle. If you don't remember That for yourself than remember it for your future family.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Senior Member missmercedes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    I appreciate the response but I do ask in my last sentence to not be told abt how codependent I am and that I jus need kind words right now. Clearly I am aware, i mean u said urself i am aware so idk the point of saying it? Not trying to be rude cuz i do appreciate u taking the time to read and comment. but Im just sensitive right now and seeking sympathy not to be told ppl see me as weak and pitiful which i already know.

    I do already see a therapist, infact ill be on my way to see her in abt an hour

    And yes im realizing my expectations are too high of friendships lasting forever. I just see ppl like my stepdad who has the same group of friends since elementary and wish I had that too! but thats pretty rare.

    I will keep that in my mind, when all else fails I see my siblings in my head and jus think how i wanna be a role model to them. not a disappointment like the ppl who were supposed to be my role models were






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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    When I read the beginning of your post, I see a strong woman, look what you have been through, what you have accomplished so far.

    Now, I am an old guy, with an old guy perspective, I was running my own business the day you were born, so......you are 21...best friend of 7 years......as in 14 years old......

    I quite literally know zero people[aside family] from when I was 14. There are a few I could find if I wanted to.

    This is part of the endless change that will happen in your life. Childhood friends drift away, new ones will take their places, and they will be more useful. It can sometimes suck when you see it right in front of you, mostly it is a slow drifting.

    You are working very hard right now, getting through school setting up your future, and this is stressful. It gets better.

    You are doing nothing wrong. If you need to, do find someone to talk to. They can give you strategies to get out of a spiral of negative thoughts that are much better than anything I could think up.




    I was many times desperately lonely in my 20's, even into my 30's, but the above would be exactly what I would tell my 21 year old self.

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    My bad. I was not implying people see you as weak in a way that is fact. I was referring to what you said that girl said. And also, most times it doesn't matter what people think about you. Perception can change, it's subjective, and it's not always based on fact per say. People see me a certain way but that doesn't mean it's always accurate.

    I only say term like the c word as way to understand certain behaviors so that way it's easier to know how to make things better moving forward. But take what I type with a grain of salt. I don't know you personally only what you type in your posts.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    I didn't have time to read all of your post. That said, it's clear that your life was not set up to be successful, yet you're still here. If you cut out all of the details of your situation, you've managed to get this far, despite everything working against you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    Life isn't always about living; sometimes it's just about surviving (as you know). Keep surviving until one day you start living again. Have faith that those days will come. This is a period of your life to get through so you can access what lies beyond what's happening right now. If nothing else, you'll come out of this period with the knowledge that you can survive without a phenomenal support system - you can survive with just yourself to rely on. You've gotten this far. Perhaps things are rough right now because your life is pushing you to purge your old friendships and find new ones that truly fulfill you. Who knows, right?

    We're here for you.

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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    Hey Miss M,

    You might not like this advice but you. are. *21*! please please enjoy your life! You have what sounds like a good boyfriend, and you are an adult and you surely understand that people, even good friends, grow apart. You'll get new friends, and 10 years from now you'll be more concerned with what use you made of the time you have. Are you in college? You'll meet people there. Set some goals that don't involve individuals, and get them done. I wish to hell I was 21 again :-)
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    ^Seriously?

    People who don't struggle with mental illness: "Just choose to be happy! Smile! Think positively! Enjoy your life!!"

    People who do struggle with mental illness: "Go fuck yourself."

    Girl, I feel you. I'm not even truly happy on the happiest days, because my brain isn't even capable of feeling things that others take for granted (I definitely struggle with depression and anxiety, among other things). Sometimes the best you can do is to simply survive. And, *that is enough*. Survive today, live tomorrow. If that's how it is right now, then that's just fine. That is enough.

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    Senior Member missmercedes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    Lol it's ok Charlie, i feel like that person did not really read my post too carefully. Ur fiesty response made me smile tho. hahaha

    Anyways i really do appreciate the replies. Sometimes it seems each day is harder than the last but then i realize i've definitely been thru the worst already and now it's up to me how i deal with it all. Sometimes i do better at handling it than others but I'm definitely never gonna give up.






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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    ^Wow, Charlie, you really hit me hard on that one. I may not have the context, but at least she has the foresight to know I meant well, which matters. Again, miss M, I'm glad you won't give up, and I think you'll be just fine.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    ^Wow, Charlie, you really hit me hard on that one. I may not have the context, but at least she has the foresight to know I meant well, which matters. Again, miss M, I'm glad you won't give up, and I think you'll be just fine.
    Yeah, I thought about it before I posted it (it wasn't an impulse post). I'm very glad the OP didn't take your post as seriously as I did. I'm usually pretty laid back, but when it comes to topics like this, my tolerance drops very low. If a female member is in a bad place, whether circumstantially or because of mental / physical illness or both, it's our place to offer support from a place of understanding and non-judgment. Telling someone they shouldn't be feeling the way that they're feeling is about as far from helpful as you can get.

    I'll hand this thread back to the OP. We'll keep the focus on her.

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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    Man what a feeling of deja vu I got reading this. I was in almost an identical position, absent the adult work. I was poor as dirt; worked long hours at crappy jobs; my High School friends had long since drifted away; living in dumps; and was relying solely upon my SO for human support. Despair eventually crept in as I became so burnt out after years of working 40+ hours a week while taking a full course load and killing myself to keep a high GPA. Sleep deprivation probably played a role, but always being surrounded by so many people who seemed to have it so much better really started to wear down on me. I was the poor kid trying to climb out of the gutter.

    Miss, I'm not trying to compare myself to you as I didn't have all of the issues growing up that you did, but I had enough that I can understand the feeling of worthlessness that bad family dynamics can really bake in and it just makes the struggle that much harder. And for me it didn't stop when I got my degree. The snobbery I found when I was interviewing for jobs with high end firms, including rejection because I wasn't "the right fit" for those jobs, was hard as well and those feelings even followed me when I finally landed my first couple of professional jobs, as if all of those around me knew something that I didn't and just had their shit so much more together.

    What finally helped me was finding the person that I wanted to be. Now having some job success started to help, but it wasn't nearly enough by itself. More important was deciding how I wanted to live and taking personal pride in it, when I was facing periods of financial and other adversity. For example, I talk a lot (too much) about learning to cook, but it is amazing how much something as simple as that - eating and living well regardless of my budget or where I lived - started to change my life and put me on the right path.

    Anyway, I'm sure that you will eventually find the person who you want to be too. Just don't give up! And remember that the people who treat you badly piss and shit in toilets, have their own struggles and put their pants on one leg at a time just like you. You have a lot to be proud of and fuck anyone who tries to take that away from you.

    Good luck as you work through this and please feel better soon.

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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    Thank u rick. It helps to hear from someone who also dealt w/ being poor and the weight that can have on ur psyche. And i kno jus what u mean abt the snobbery u faced. Its soooo difficult being in a major w where there are so many oblivious rich brats who complain abt the most mundane shit when Im struggling to figure out how to pay rent.

    But, i am definitely focusing on the "me I wanna be." I think I am going to get my own skates n start rollerskating more often, its something Ive always enjoyed but never have time for

    I have also been focusing on reading more and keeping up my daily yoga practice

    But of course there are dark cloud moments. I got ditched by a bunch of my friends last night and then today my only remaning bff cancelled plans for tmrw which id been looking forward to. Its hard for me to see how other ppl see friendship and why they do some of the things they do. I dont wanna be a coldhearted person but i feel like i should want that...I dont rlly kno right now. But i appreciate all the support and love u have offered






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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    Yeah, I thought about it before I posted it (it wasn't an impulse post). I'm very glad the OP didn't take your post as seriously as I did. I'm usually pretty laid back, but when it comes to topics like this, my tolerance drops very low. If a female member is in a bad place, whether circumstantially or because of mental / physical illness or both, it's our place to offer support from a place of understanding and non-judgment. Telling someone they shouldn't be feeling the way that they're feeling is about as far from helpful as you can get.
    I get what you're saying, but I also think a variety of opinions are helpful, and OP might be asking for a positive take. I know what you mean though.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Senior Member missmercedes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Intense loneliness, feeling so abandoned...

    I know no one asked but i thought id give a little update.

    Things got worse on the friends front, I actually lost my "BFF" (she has ALWAYS been known to say very hurtful, cruel things when upset) when i was at my lowest, i think about a wk and a half ago, i told her i was considering suicide. She decided this was a great time to cut off our friendship due to me being "overdramatic" and everyone else in her life was telling her to- idk who they are cuz she always said Im her only real friend lol. Then she told me I SHOULD just kill myself. That to me was so disgusting and low, I have never and did not even then insult her as a person. Because when I love someone I would never suddenly act like I hate them or dont care...that is not love!

    But I am feeling A LOT BETTER actually. I'm still seeing my therapist weekly and I've made (very expensive- I have no insurance) some steps towards becoming medicated FINALLY!!! I am also going to my 1st Codependents Anon Meeting tmrw!!! And meeting with a woman who s gonna give me an opportunity to volunteer w/ low-income kids, I think helping others will help me feel more positive in life. I am lonely as hell, no denying it but I'm glad I'm doing whats best for me and that I've cut some clearly toxic ppl out of my life. My friend has left me several crying voicemails but I just can't bring myself to forgive her right now and I think that's fair.

    Thanks 2 all of u. xoxo i love SW and the community here so much.






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