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Thread: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

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    Default Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Looking for some advice on a situation..
    My boyfriend and I are extremely committed; getting engaged soon and marrying next Fall.
    We have a great relationship and are very understanding and supportive of each other's "flaws"; I've got self-esteem issues, various mental health struggles, etc, as does he, and individualized issues otherwise. Top priority is supporting one another, always being there, modifying ourselves to help the other, selflessness, compassion, etc. Very strong and healthy relationship.
    I include that info because I often see responses to threads of this nature that are along the lines of, "Don't waste your time on an insecure man!" or "What an ass, trying to control you. It's your life, put your desires above his feelings!" and we're very much not like that. Those sorts of things aren't solutions, to me.
    Anyway, to get to the point, I've wanted to strip for almost a year now. Had planned to move to LA and strip there, but then met BF, which changed my plans (for the better; live fast and die young mentality wasn't good at all). He asked that I reconsider my desire to strip, as he was uncomfortable with the idea of other men seeing my body, which he considers to be a private thing, between the two of us. I was completely fine with that, it even helped me rediscover a career I'd wanted to pursue, though I often missed the idea of stripping and wished I could still pursue that, too.
    Recently, though, we got onto the subject of selling panties online, which he was alright with, so I tested the waters about stripping. He was far more open to it, told me he'd be alright with it, though not completely comfortable with lapdances and anything involving contact. Understandable. I was ecstatic, immediately picked back up with finding resources, looking for clubs in the area where we'll be moving soon, etc. But.. not a week later, he'd retracted that, and confessed that he wasn't feeling comfortable with it again. He reiterates constantly that he doesn't want to seem controlling and wants me to do what makes me happy, but we also strongly emphasize communication and openness, and I'm very glad that he's keeping me completely in the loop regarding his feelings on the matter.
    (TLDR - I had plans to strip, before meeting boyfriend. Those plans were willingly put aside by boyfriend's very respectful request, he later became comfortable with idea of me stripping, but soon after was no longer comfortable. Relationship is so highly valued that priority is either helping him feel comfortable with it or dropping the idea of stripping (the former being much preferable) rather than leaving him (something I'd never do). He is not being controlling, simply openly communicating his feelings, as I've always encouraged and am glad about.)
    So - because I want him to be comfortable and feel secure, but also for me to be able to strip, I'm desperately searching for ways to help him come to a sense of peace on the matter. Any advice, experiences, lines of thought, examples, metaphors, anything that might help put him at ease about it, would be so greatly appreciated.
    Thanks so much!

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Okay, what I am about to say comes from a place of absolute experience. My situation with my ex was yours almost to an exact T. We were both incredibly open and respectful of each other and our feelings and talked all the time. We both, but me especially, have severe mental illnesses that affected our lives and relationship. We were strong and supportive and lasted longer than any other relationship our friends had. The only reason we broke up was because circumstances forced me to move out of state and we both agreed that a LDR wouldn't work for us.

    With that in mind, I started stripping while I was dating him. He did not approve of it whatsoever but agreed because I was in a position where it was one of my only options. But that did not stop constant fights and him feeling insecure in all manner of ways, regardless of how much I comforted him and reassured him that stripping was just a job and that, yes, part of the job was faking and selling a fantasy--but it was STILL a job. It didn't help and, honestly, it really drove us apart to the point that I do feel that if I hadn't left the state we would've broken up at one point or another regardless.

    You cannot enter this into the mindset of "changing" him, because most people will not sway on what will or will not be comfortable to them. My ex was exactly the same way: the thing that upset him the most was strange men seeing me naked because that was suppose to be a special sacred thing for the two of us. He may get use to it, but he is not going to get over it and unless you both are really, really lucky he is going to constantly be uncomfortable and it IS ABSOLUTELY going to put a strain on the relationship that may not ever go away.

    It really comes down to this: what do you, at this moment in time, value more? Stripping (which really isn't about stripping. Is it the financial help? Freedom you feel from it? You have a lot of debt/bills to pay and this would allow you to live more comfortably? Schedule flexability?) or your relationship. Because, from what you've provided and my own experiences with almost identical scenario/partners, you aren't going to get your cake and eat it too.

    Also keep in mind the job itself. Yes, you've done a lot of information on it but you could get in to the club and hate it within the first week. Being a stripper tends to be extremely lonely and unless you have really close and understanding friends (I was extremely lucky) then you are going to either have no friends or just friends from within the sex industry. Dating is difficult. A lot of it sucks and I really encourage you to reflect and see if it's more stripping you want or aspects of it that you can't current get in life (see the bullet points earlier). Really REALLY think about if this is a thing you want and if it's worth sacrificing your relationship for.

    On the flip side, really REALLY think about if you're going to have animosity towards your partner because he "held you back". For me I actually started to get annoyed with my partner because he wanted to hear about my day. It would make him feel better and not think crazy ideas about what I was doing, but he also would almost always be depressed and sullen for the rest of the day and I would have to spend what little energy I had into reassuring him. Frustration really began to form on both ends and it wasn't healthy for either of us as just talking about it was essentially going around and 'round the same points we'd talked about a million times already.

    Yes, there are strippers on here that have relationships and marriages and absolutely 100% make it work. It doesn't happen often, and it takes a lot of work and a lot of trust and pushing aside feelings of jealousy and possessiveness (yes, feeling that your naked body is something only he should see is a possessive trait. It's only bad when it gets out of control). If neither of you are prepared for that kind of work, and since neither of you feel that now is the time for the relationship to end, then let it go. Bringing it up all the time will only put more strain on the relationship. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's what I can best suggest for you.

    Best of luck babe, keep us updated okay?

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    For me it boils down to cold hard cash. Warm and fuzzy feewees don't pay your bills. Anything that holds me down or that is a burden gets discarded. End of story.

    If he's supporting you and you have a comfortable living then why change things? If you're in dire straights and he's holding you back then I'd reevaluate your priorities.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Why do want to strip, why is it something you have want to do?

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Quote Originally Posted by Caligynephilia View Post
    Okay, what I am about to say comes from a place of absolute experience. ....
    Thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice. It's given me a whole lot to think about and consider, and it's really helped get me on some sort of path to a solution.
    I'll most definitely keep you updated! Thanks so much again <3

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Quote Originally Posted by tempest666 View Post
    For me it boils down to cold hard cash. Warm and fuzzy feewees don't pay your bills. Anything that holds me down or that is a burden gets discarded. End of story.

    If he's supporting you and you have a comfortable living then why change things? If you're in dire straights and he's holding you back then I'd reevaluate your priorities.
    Thanks for the input.. I'm glad that works for you, but I very expressly stated in my OP that that's the opposite of the mentality I have. I will never see the love of my life as a burden. We're not currently living together, but even if we were, I certainly wouldn't expect him to support me and just hand me a comfortable living situation. Regardless of anything like that, anyways, he and I are in it for the long run, no matter how difficult the circumstances. Which I pretty directly stated in my post.
    Thanks for taking the time to reply, though.

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Quote Originally Posted by StripperSierra View Post
    Why do want to strip, why is it something you have want to do?
    It's something I've been quite interested in for awhile, from the nature of the job (selling that fantasy, providing a good time, pleasing, etc.) to the pay, to the opportunity to put myself out there in a sexual way while incorporating sales techniques and making a job of it, etc.. It's certainly not the end-all-be-all to anything, but it is something that I would really enjoy.

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonflyby View Post
    It's something I've been quite interested in for awhile, from the nature of the job (selling that fantasy, providing a good time, pleasing, etc.) to the pay, to the opportunity to put myself out there in a sexual way while incorporating sales techniques and making a job of it, etc.. It's certainly not the end-all-be-all to anything, but it is something that I would really enjoy.
    Have you thought of doing camming then to fulfill that? Some camgirls do specialized stuff and there are others I know of who never get naked for the shows they charge. I also know of a few cam strippers. I know it wouldn't address your boyfriend's original issue of others' seeing you naked, but it could possibly be a middle ground that you two can reach, especially with it being "the Internet and all". Just some food for thought.

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Quote Originally Posted by Caligynephilia View Post
    Have you thought of doing camming then to fulfill that? Some camgirls do specialized stuff and there are others I know of who never get naked for the shows they charge. I also know of a few cam strippers. I know it wouldn't address your boyfriend's original issue of others' seeing you naked, but it could possibly be a middle ground that you two can reach, especially with it being "the Internet and all". Just some food for thought.
    Hmm, that could be a great middle ground, thank you for the suggestion! I've done a little camming before, and he wasn't a huge fan, but then again, that was when he also was very much against stripping, so perhaps he'd be more comfortable with that than with stripping. I'll bring it up, thanks again!

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    I can hardly wait to see how this little debacle pans out.
    You state that you have a "strong and healthy" relationship. If it was so strong and healthy your boyfriend wouldn't be flip flopping between being comfortable with you stripping and then taking it back. He sounds like a passive aggressive beta. And you're no better. You state that you "missed the idea of stripping".
    Both of you are a perfect toxic pair for codependency. What both of you need to do is grow a pair, realize this is a JOB like any other and make up your damn minds.
    And for the record this business consumes the weak and spits them out. You would just be an appetizer. So maybe your boyfriend is right. You shouldn't be stripping.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    I'll never understand for the life of me why so many women in the adult industry in general feel like they HAVE or NEED to make their S.O comfortable with what they do in this field.They(the spouse) has every right to feel what they feel, opinions,etc honestly. If he's uncomfortable don't try and force him to be. Either be single or he'll actually say he's fine with it.His obvious flip flop take on it is a CLEAR sign he doesn't really want you to do it. If he's not with it that's ok it's his prerogative & just either be single or look for someone who is comfortable with it.

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    I say both are lost causes. Let natural selection take its course and winnow them out of this industry.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    I'm in the same boat as you right now sister my man is the same way very considerate and very confident in himself but he doesn't like the idea of me dancing AT ALL I do consider him the love of my life we build so much together but in the Other hand he cannot support me financially so it's really hard .. My best advice is to really think about it.. Which would you rather have your man or the mula$$$ because like the first girl said "you can't have your cake and eat it too " and That's what it really comes downs too.

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    What is it with dumb girls having sexual fantasies of becoming strippers? Get over it. It's just a job. If you're just excited at the prospect of it then you're going to find this industry chews you up and spits you out pretty quickly - and your relationship is going to crash and burn. Perhaps your boyfriend understands that you are going into this with the wrong motivation - if it was just a job to pay the bills he wouldn't be so worried but you view stripping as some sort of erotic activity you want to do. You may as well say you want to take up dogging - he'd probably be just as dismayed. Poor guy.

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Quote Originally Posted by spartaca View Post
    What is it with dumb girls having sexual fantasies of becoming strippers? Get over it. It's just a job. If you're just excited at the prospect of it then you're going to find this industry chews you up and spits you out pretty quickly - and your relationship is going to crash and burn. Perhaps your boyfriend understands that you are going into this with the wrong motivation - if it was just a job to pay the bills he wouldn't be so worried but you view stripping as some sort of erotic activity you want to do. You may as well say you want to take up dogging - he'd probably be just as dismayed. Poor guy.
    You're a lot kinder to the male party than I am. I think he's a passive aggressive beta who keeps flip flopping and she's no better for thinking she needs his consent.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    This is a topic that comes up a lot, and everyone has their opinions on it, but I want to remind everyone to keep it respectful - no name calling or personal character degradation. The OP came here for advice. We can all have differing opinions on the state or outcome of the situation, but say your piece respectfully or move on.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    This is a tough call, but I think the OP needs to re-read the first post. There were multiple options there. You don't have to break up with him, you may just not be cut to strip. I'm finding dating so frustrating I privately think I'm not cut for it. And then I look at that tuition cost...

    Why don't you just try it at a super low contact club? Go in together a couple of times, get lap dances and then have a long talk.
    "Used as rocket fuel, sex energy can lift our consciousness to the stars to experience a state of being where love exists in and for itself and has no opposite. On a soul level, this is our natural state."
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    Default Re: Helping SO become comfortable with me stripping?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonflyby View Post
    Looking for some advice on a situation..
    My boyfriend and I are extremely committed; getting engaged soon and marrying next Fall.
    We have a great relationship and are very understanding and supportive of each other's "flaws"; I've got self-esteem issues, various mental health struggles, etc, as does he, and individualized issues otherwise. Top priority is supporting one another, always being there, modifying ourselves to help the other, selflessness, compassion, etc. Very strong and healthy relationship.
    I include that info because I often see responses to threads of this nature that are along the lines of, "Don't waste your time on an insecure man!" or "What an ass, trying to control you. It's your life, put your desires above his feelings!" and we're very much not like that. Those sorts of things aren't solutions, to me.
    Anyway, to get to the point, I've wanted to strip for almost a year now. Had planned to move to LA and strip there, but then met BF, which changed my plans (for the better; live fast and die young mentality wasn't good at all). He asked that I reconsider my desire to strip, as he was uncomfortable with the idea of other men seeing my body, which he considers to be a private thing, between the two of us. I was completely fine with that, it even helped me rediscover a career I'd wanted to pursue, though I often missed the idea of stripping and wished I could still pursue that, too.
    Recently, though, we got onto the subject of selling panties online, which he was alright with, so I tested the waters about stripping. He was far more open to it, told me he'd be alright with it, though not completely comfortable with lapdances and anything involving contact. Understandable. I was ecstatic, immediately picked back up with finding resources, looking for clubs in the area where we'll be moving soon, etc. But.. not a week later, he'd retracted that, and confessed that he wasn't feeling comfortable with it again. He reiterates constantly that he doesn't want to seem controlling and wants me to do what makes me happy, but we also strongly emphasize communication and openness, and I'm very glad that he's keeping me completely in the loop regarding his feelings on the matter.
    (TLDR - I had plans to strip, before meeting boyfriend. Those plans were willingly put aside by boyfriend's very respectful request, he later became comfortable with idea of me stripping, but soon after was no longer comfortable. Relationship is so highly valued that priority is either helping him feel comfortable with it or dropping the idea of stripping (the former being much preferable) rather than leaving him (something I'd never do). He is not being controlling, simply openly communicating his feelings, as I've always encouraged and am glad about.)
    So - because I want him to be comfortable and feel secure, but also for me to be able to strip, I'm desperately searching for ways to help him come to a sense of peace on the matter. Any advice, experiences, lines of thought, examples, metaphors, anything that might help put him at ease about it, would be so greatly appreciated.
    Thanks so much!
    Ok... So you say you miss the idea of stripping, and don't once mention anything about extra income. So why? Why do you miss "the idea" of stripping so bad? Is it because you like attention from other men? Are you really willing to mess up what is according to you a good thing, for some attention? Be honest with yourself.

    We can all go into stripping for whatever reasons we want, I'm not going to judge anyone for that. But IMO it's unfair to your SO... And I say this as a woman whose SO isn't 100% comfortable with my job. But the difference between us, I think, is our motivations for doing this job.

    Methinks you have some thinking to do.

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