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Thread: Finally breaking up...

  1. #1
    Veteran Member jadey23's Avatar
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    Default Finally breaking up...

    I feel really shitty right now. Sorry for the long post. I guess I just need somewhere to write it all down.

    Me and my boyfriend live together and have always had our fair share of communication issues. Namely, he can be pretty cold and verbally abusive. I do all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, taking care of the dog, go to school 3 days a week, work 4 nights a week(I stopped dancing because he hated it and instead took a waitressing job which I'm grateful now that I was able to step out of the industry and feel back to normal), and work out 3-4x a week -- and still he'll always find something negative to say to me "Why didn't you make the bed?? You're supposed to make the bed every day, what is wrong with you?" "I absolutely HATE when you do that. It's fuckin disgusting. How can you let this place get like this??" (when even the slightest mess accumulates), or he gets on my case about eating healthier we've got to eat HEALTHIER -- but he hates broccoli, zucchini, spinach, bok choy, asparagus?! So when I do cook, he literally SPITS out the food onto the plate and storms to the kitchen all pissed off, doesn't say a word, doesn't even say thank you but I just don't like this. We fight a lot and I hate that we don't have a peaceful, open home. I've told him numerous times how sensitive I am and how I don't appreciate the way he talks to me because I don't talk to him like that and I don't give him constant shit about his mess that he leaves everywhere -- still he doesn't change, he doesn't care, he doesn't ever apologize for hurting my feelings. He says I need to just develop a thicker skin. When we resolve arguments we don't really address a solution to the issue, we always kind of brush it under the rug for the sake of cooperation, but still fall into the same pattern over and over again.

    On the positive side of things, he's very devoted to me and would never lie or cheat, he really believes I am the most important person in his life and we have our sweet moments -- he acknowledges the things I do and even though he doesn't have tangible ways of saying thank you very often, I know that he is grateful. He ran into some financial troubles last year and I lent him a ton of money since then that he's working to pay me back with and makes it a known priority that he's going to pay me back. After I stopped dancing he was paying all the bills for awhile, but since December I've been taking care of most of them (we split rent, I pay utilities, internet, most groceries, and he pays for dinner and dates if we do go out).

    A few weeks ago he was out of town and I looked at my bank account -- less than $100. He said he had some money coming in but wasn't entirely sure because he said that last time and it never happened, I had a really shitty week at work, and I panicked. I ducked back into my old club for the first time in I don't know how long to see if I could manage something. I knew it was wrong and I felt awful because I know how personally he feels about me dancing, I didn't even stay for more than 3 hours, didn't make shit, just stayed in the dressing room hanging out w my old friend (he's gay and does the makeup there, so he just hangs out the whole shift), then I left and told myself it wasn't worth it and I wouldn't even go back. I of course did not tell my boyfriend I did this; our communication is less than and I just don't feel like I can talk honestly with him about A LOT of things because he has a temper and I don't wanna start another fight.

    Anyway, two days ago we got into our like 100th petty argument and I had just had enough. Before I went to work I wrote him a letter saying how I felt, not breaking up with him, but I told him we should at the very least start planning to live separately because it's clear that our relationship is not healthy. I love him and I didn't want to break up with him just yet because both he and I are not in a financial position to be on our own, but that we should at least start planning. The optimist in me always thinks of that tiny little chance that he might change his ways, so I still held on. We didn't speak, he went out for the day. A few hours later he texts me saying "Crazy how life works... someone just called me and said you were in the club about 3 weeks ago. Good job. I'll be out by the end of the month."

    I was blindsided. I have absolutely no idea who told him. I feel really really guilty for having lied, I know how hurt he must be, and now all our plans are out of whack and the break up just got accelerated. I'm not ready. I'm so busy, now it's looking like I'm going to HAVE to go back to the club to make another $800/month which I'm not ready to do, I'm so so attached to the dog (it's his, not mine), I have this entire apartment to take apart, and I just didn't think it would happen so abruptly. I'm heartbroken, but I'm trying to remind myself that this is what I wanted and I needed a reason to get out of this relationship that wasn't going anywhere. I can't stay anywhere else, I still love him, I'm overwhelmed, I don't want to be alone. I'm very hard on myself, and I just can't stop thinking that I did everything wrong.
    Unsophisticated in the finest sense of the word.

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  3. #2
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Well, damn.
    WTF were you SUPPOSED to fucking do, when you're down to barely $??? Fuck him, I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but it's for the best..I remember (a little, been awhile I think) about you posting on here about him.
    He's an immature, ignorant, inconsiderate, & worst of all abusive ASSHOLE!
    Did everything wrong??? To me, it sounds like you were doing about 90+% of the relationship! It also sounds like he was looking for an excuse to get out.
    Being alone is much better than that..& you will find someone better once you heal.
    I hope you get the $ back he owes you.
    Well, Idk what else to say, but please, don't blame yourself, just take it 1 day @ a time, do you have anyone you can talk to in person (not him!) about this?
    How about a codependency group?
    I hope I don't sound harsh, I don't mean to, but I've been there & bk. Good luck, take care of YOURSELF!
    ETA: I would make him give you (so he has to borrow from friends, parents, what/ev) as much $ as possible that he owes, before he leaves..just a feeling I have. Good luck


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    U will be all right by ur own hon, u dont need him at all, u will find someone very good to u that will respect u as a person and a lady and u will be very happy. i wish u the best.
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  7. #4
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    I'll delete my post if you don't want a guy's opinion.

    First, I'm sorry that happened. You seem like a really nice, thoughtful person, and it sucks when nice people get dumped on.

    Second, I'm searching through your post and saying, now what did she do wrong, she chatted with her gay buddy at her old club for three hours.... Where is the bad thing.....oh, you neglected too account for every location at which you'd been, and failed to immediately provide a full list of all those persons with whom you had any conversation or interaction? Has he issued a decree that states you "shall not set foot in, nor fraternize or communicate with anyone within the confines of, your old club"? And the punishment for this grave error is you lose him, no questions, no explanations, no "sorry you felt insecure that we had $100 in the world so you went to your old club, talked to a few friends, and then had the strength and wisdom to walk out and stay on your chosen path".

    Where to start. Ok. A fully grown man who spits out his vegetables. It is posts like these that should make the world thankful I'm not a woman. Because if I was, he would wake up duct taped to the ceiling in a pair of diapers. If he wants to play toddler, should you not show him a calendar, or his license (presuming he has one), and count the years together til you get to the part where he's an adult?

    Then the constant criticism. Really? And you do all the cooking and cleaning? Maybe he should take a month where he does all the cooking and cleaning and then let's see what he says. I mean, I love cooking, if I was married I'd probably do all or most of it. I have a housekeeper, but she is paid.

    The money is bad, but maybe he's an artist or a writer, or a musician. That's your decision. But could he not get a second job for a bit until you guys are out of the woods?

    You say he's devoted - but wouldn't almost anyone feel lucky to be with you? You tie yourself in knots and get guilty over the slightest "transgression", you do everything, you don't care about money, you're probably very attractive, you love dogs, you split expenses....

    I kind of have to agree with the other posters. He is doing you a favor. You're going to be swamped with offers.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Omg he sounds horrible..... your better off without him

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    IMHO there was nothing but long term misery waiting for you with this guy. He obviously wanted you to play the role of the doting wife (cooking, cleaning, etc.), yet he wasn't man enough to pay the freight for that luxury. You cannot ask a woman to do that PLUS pay the majority of household expenses. Worse though, he put you on the hook for all of that AFTER he took all of your savings. In a nutshell, he was a fussy self entitled man-child who couldn't afford the role that he wanted to play and laid it all on you. Small wonder you were starting to feel desperate - all of this was entirely unfair.

    At least you didn't have kids with him. Glass half full and all. Feel better and know that the pain will fade. You deserve better and I have no doubt that you will eventually find it.

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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Ok, you really shouldn't have lied about going to the club..........but it sounds to me like he used that as an excuse to finalize the break up. All in all, he seems like a shitty human being :/
    Yes, it's understandable WHY you went back to the club but he also blew it way out of proportion. Don't beat yourself up about it hon. FUck him. Go back to work and take advantage of the fact that now you can hustle with a clear mind

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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Did you quit the club bc you truely hated it or just him?? What if you just change clubs and say to hell with him. Its hard trying to everything the right way and still getting kicked down. The dog is a shitty situation but hey you can keep it so just take pictures... change clubs drive far out if you have to and dont tell anyone.. finish out your lease and move into a new place where you can get your own dog or enjoy the fact that you can move into anywhere without worrying about animal restrictions.. you may not get your money back but look at it as the cost of getting him out of your life for good .. it sucks to say bc alot of us have been there and still stayed... but if you have the courage to make the change then do it.. theres more to life than a guy that will make you feel like shit for doing what you need to survive.. keep going to school and grind it out while you have these years left.. there may be a better club just out of your reach.. it would suck to think u quit early while u could still dance and regret it when you cant.. worry about school and get ur paper fuck him n fuck that.. u know ur better off n its gonna be ok.. everything is ok in the end and if its not its not the end... all will be well soon.. praying for you.. in the meantime come up with a game plan do some research n try not to give in to your emotion.. its hard but it will be worth it

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  17. #9
    God/dess xxxGothBarbie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    DEf better off without him dude. When I had to move out from my ex's house I literally looked on CL under shared rooms & what not & decide to live with a bunch of college kids for cheap so I could bounce back & save quicker. It's working too. I know it's not an ideal situation but shared living is such a cheap & great way to get back on your feet bc half the time the people aren't even home sometimes for days which leaves you you're own private space with no lease to have to worry about. Hope all works out, I know it's rough but you'll make it thru <3
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    If you keep telling yourself that you were responsible for the breakup, then you will eventually believe that very thought. I was literally in the same place as you a few weeks ago and it was devastating when it came to an end. The first advice I'd like to give you is to cry it out very hard and don't hold back on your emotions.
    (Its a major relief afterwards, drink lots of water!) I'm sorry you are going through this, but it gets better promise..

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    Senior Member MissLouboutin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    jadey23, it looks like you dodged a bullet.

    He must be pretty awful if you had to hide that you went to dance for a night.

    From what you said, he clearly doesn't respect you.

    I agree with the posters above. You are WAY better off without him.

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  23. #12
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Pretty much agree with what everyone else has said, you're so much better off now, etc etc. I'm really sorry about the dog-I went through the same thing with an ex's cat so I really do understand the pain. Maybe you can look into fostering once he moves out?

    My suggestion for now while you are dealing with the worst of the financial/emotional stress--find a different club to work at!! You are going through a lot and being back at your old stomping grounds will make you feel even worse while you ride out the hard times-you will only be comparing yourself to how you felt when you were bringing your A-game. Don't bring that energy into your home club. Go somewhere where no one knows you, don't sweat it if you don't bank every night, look at it as an excuse to be out of the house while you're waiting for him to move out. Then when you feel ready you can have a victorious return. I've been through this and seen so many other dancers go through it too. You will be okay, and you are blessed to have an opportunity for independence and stability so you don't need to get sucked back into the codependent cycle with him.

    Not sure how long you've been in the industry (so my apologies if I'm repeating something you already know) but I've found that something really cool starts happening once you get through the worst part of the emotional pain. Your earnings start to go up, way up. I call it Breakup Money! Seriously, I promise that in a couple months you will be killing it. $$$$$

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  25. #13
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Every break up feels like shit, but it really seems like it was coming eventually so this way you get more time to have a happier life in the future, you deserve a supportive partner who won't belittle you and make you feel like everything is your fault.

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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hk View Post
    Omg he sounds horrible..... your better off without him
    This. Your boyfriend is a mentally abusive asshole, stop lying to yourself about him. You should have left long ago, be glad he is gone and feel no guilt over doing what you HAD to do to pay the bills.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Veteran Member jadey23's Avatar
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    Thank you so much everyone for your insight. I don't really hang out w my dancer friends anymore and all my gf's are in very long term relationships so I wasn't getting too much understanding from that side.

    After letting him cool off for a few days I finally had a talk with him and it actually went really well! Surprisingly. He said that he actually doesn't really want to break up but he sensed that I've been wanting to for awhile and so he's not going to push the issue -- as well that night I went to work kind of gave him better incentive not to try and salvage our relationship. He said that he still cares about me very much and he's doing everything he can to pay me back esp because of everything I've done for him up to this point, he gave some money to tide me over, and he said that I can keep the dog!!

    He didn't apologize for any of his behavior of how things went wrong with us, but it's fine, as long as we can transition peacefully. We came to an agreement that he would stay till end of July to help me w rent and some bills -- he's been sleeping on the couch the past week. It's hard with him still living here and us being cordial bc I still really want to be affectionate and have sex but I'm trying my best not to.

    Thanks again y'all <3
    Unsophisticated in the finest sense of the word.

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  31. #16
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    At this point I would probably not even worry about the money and just leave. If it means a few more weeks or months of unhappiness just to get that money he owes you it's not even worth it. He sounds like he's going through the beginnings of bipolar (I have a relative who is bipolar, and this is exactly how they act before an episode). In this case, it may even be dangerous to remain with him. Best of luck and I hope this works out.

  32. #17
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    You're doing the right thing by leaving, he isn't going to change. He "borrowed" a lot of money from you and yet still expects you to pay almost all the bills, AND keep the house flawless because you're some kind of maid?? And he's got two broken legs or something? You cook his ungrateful ass dinner and he spits it out like a three year old. Sorry but he sounds like a misogynist who thinks your having a vagina means you need to serve him but he won't actually make the money and keeps you from making yours while taking from you.
    Like I'm actually angry for you, girl. And on top of that to be verbally abusive AF.
    He's going to try and suck you back in, all abusers do Once they see their victim is no longer under their control they go crazy ..he will say whatever it takes. Don't believe him, I think if you possibly can you need to extract yourself like yesterday..if you have to can u stay with a relative?

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  34. #18
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    Default Re: Finally breaking up...

    He sounds like a really crappy person. It is best that you two break up anyway. Expecting you to do 100% of the cleaning and cooking, as well as paying bills. Just no....

    He sounds extremely immature and didn't see a problem with slaving you around. He is selfish and inconsiderate from what I just read.

    I know breakups hurt, but sometimes it is very much worth it. There will be someone else out there. Someone who is not going to cause you a bunch of stress.

    Keep your chin up. Things can and will get better.

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