I feel really shitty right now. Sorry for the long post. I guess I just need somewhere to write it all down.
Me and my boyfriend live together and have always had our fair share of communication issues. Namely, he can be pretty cold and verbally abusive. I do all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, taking care of the dog, go to school 3 days a week, work 4 nights a week(I stopped dancing because he hated it and instead took a waitressing job which I'm grateful now that I was able to step out of the industry and feel back to normal), and work out 3-4x a week -- and still he'll always find something negative to say to me "Why didn't you make the bed?? You're supposed to make the bed every day, what is wrong with you?" "I absolutely HATE when you do that. It's fuckin disgusting. How can you let this place get like this??" (when even the slightest mess accumulates), or he gets on my case about eating healthier we've got to eat HEALTHIER -- but he hates broccoli, zucchini, spinach, bok choy, asparagus?! So when I do cook, he literally SPITS out the food onto the plate and storms to the kitchen all pissed off, doesn't say a word, doesn't even say thank you but I just don't like this. We fight a lot and I hate that we don't have a peaceful, open home. I've told him numerous times how sensitive I am and how I don't appreciate the way he talks to me because I don't talk to him like that and I don't give him constant shit about his mess that he leaves everywhere -- still he doesn't change, he doesn't care, he doesn't ever apologize for hurting my feelings. He says I need to just develop a thicker skin. When we resolve arguments we don't really address a solution to the issue, we always kind of brush it under the rug for the sake of cooperation, but still fall into the same pattern over and over again.
On the positive side of things, he's very devoted to me and would never lie or cheat, he really believes I am the most important person in his life and we have our sweet moments -- he acknowledges the things I do and even though he doesn't have tangible ways of saying thank you very often, I know that he is grateful. He ran into some financial troubles last year and I lent him a ton of money since then that he's working to pay me back with and makes it a known priority that he's going to pay me back. After I stopped dancing he was paying all the bills for awhile, but since December I've been taking care of most of them (we split rent, I pay utilities, internet, most groceries, and he pays for dinner and dates if we do go out).
A few weeks ago he was out of town and I looked at my bank account -- less than $100. He said he had some money coming in but wasn't entirely sure because he said that last time and it never happened, I had a really shitty week at work, and I panicked. I ducked back into my old club for the first time in I don't know how long to see if I could manage something. I knew it was wrong and I felt awful because I know how personally he feels about me dancing, I didn't even stay for more than 3 hours, didn't make shit, just stayed in the dressing room hanging out w my old friend (he's gay and does the makeup there, so he just hangs out the whole shift), then I left and told myself it wasn't worth it and I wouldn't even go back. I of course did not tell my boyfriend I did this; our communication is less than and I just don't feel like I can talk honestly with him about A LOT of things because he has a temper and I don't wanna start another fight.
Anyway, two days ago we got into our like 100th petty argument and I had just had enough. Before I went to work I wrote him a letter saying how I felt, not breaking up with him, but I told him we should at the very least start planning to live separately because it's clear that our relationship is not healthy. I love him and I didn't want to break up with him just yet because both he and I are not in a financial position to be on our own, but that we should at least start planning. The optimist in me always thinks of that tiny little chance that he might change his ways, so I still held on. We didn't speak, he went out for the day. A few hours later he texts me saying "Crazy how life works... someone just called me and said you were in the club about 3 weeks ago. Good job. I'll be out by the end of the month."
I was blindsided. I have absolutely no idea who told him. I feel really really guilty for having lied, I know how hurt he must be, and now all our plans are out of whack and the break up just got accelerated. I'm not ready. I'm so busy, now it's looking like I'm going to HAVE to go back to the club to make another $800/month which I'm not ready to do, I'm so so attached to the dog (it's his, not mine), I have this entire apartment to take apart, and I just didn't think it would happen so abruptly. I'm heartbroken, but I'm trying to remind myself that this is what I wanted and I needed a reason to get out of this relationship that wasn't going anywhere. I can't stay anywhere else, I still love him, I'm overwhelmed, I don't want to be alone. I'm very hard on myself, and I just can't stop thinking that I did everything wrong.



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I'm sorry you are going through this, but it gets better promise..


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