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Thread: made a dumb move with another dancer

  1. #1
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    Duh made a dumb move with another dancer

    Before I start telling what happened, I'd like to mention that both my parents are narcissistic and growing up my boundaries were regularly crossed all the time. While I'm much better now about establishing boundaries with people, I'm still bad at it, especially in moments where there's not a lot of time to think about it or if I'm put under pressure. I'm great with physical boundaries regarding customers, but with emotional boundaries and day to day scenarios I often genuinely can't tell when I'm being taken advantage of.

    Anyways here's what played out: It's the end of the night and I'm already in my street clothes ready to go home. A customer with another dancer sees me and says he wants me to come back and join them during their dance. Apparently they were going to go with a different girl who then was swooped up by someone else, but then he saw me instead. I say eff it and we go back there, we both make $50 plus tips off him. After the dance he tells me he wants to continue with only me. The other girl is visibly upset by this and when he goes to the atm she tells me this was her first dance all night, and she was mad he wanted only me to continue because they talked for over 45 mins and blahblahblah. I brush it off because not my problem. At this point the club is already closed but they say its ok and we keep going. He spends another $100 solely on me.

    After my final dances with him, I'm walking back to the dressing room when the other dancer I joined earlier pulls me aside. She had literally been waiting for me to finish. She tells me that she hates to ask but she really needs $20 to pay her babysitter, and since I joined in on their dance I should give it to her. I told her that made no sense because he asked for me and she did nothing to provide that sale for me. She argued that actually she had been waiting and helping him find another girl (though that's obviously irrelevant to me since he's the one who called me over). She also said "by doing this you're showing me you're a nice person and that in the future I should let you join in on other dances"

    First off, I make way more money than she does on a consistent basis. She in no way, shape or form is or was an asset to my money making. However, I stupidly gave it to her. I regretted it as soon as she walked out the door. In the moment I felt like it'd be bitchy not to, then realized I yet again let my boundaries be crossed and was manipulated in a situation I could and should have controlled. After it happened a bouncer who saw pulled me aside and said she was manipulative and it was BS, and that the girl was a bitch and never to let her do that again

    At the end of the day it's only $20 and obviously it means more to her than me. However it's the principle that bugs me and part of me wants to let her know that was messed up of her to do and I gave it to her as a donation, not because she's entitled to it. Though I don't know if bringing it up next time I see her would be worth it out of principle or would only start drama. I don't want other dancers thinking I'm a pushover or something though so maybe I should say something?

    Just to be clear, this wasn't a situation where I knew in the moment that I was being taken advantage of but was too scared to speak up. When my boundaries are pushed or crossed my body goes into anxiety mode and can't think, and I legitimately won't know the right thing to do until the anxiety attack is over.

    I know I messed up, what should I do now? Ask for it back nicely when I see her next? Tell her I don't appreciate it? Forget it and move on?
    Last edited by somechick99; 06-20-2016 at 09:41 AM.

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  3. #2
    Veteran Member Miss_Red's Avatar
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    Default Re: made a dumb move with another dancer

    Forget it and move on. You'll never get that money back, and asking for it back will only create drama. Probably a lot of drama. Not worth it for $20 that you're never going to see again no matter what you do.

    That being said...I'd bet a lot more than the $20 you lost that she's going to ask you for money again. It worked once, she's manipulative, she's going to try again.

    The next time she does: you don't owe her an explanation. You don't owe it to her to listen to any of her reasons. You don't owe her a reaction or any reply other than "no". Practice at home in the mirror if you have to. "No, I'm not going to give you money, sorry." Then turn away, ignore her, leave. Let her yell and scream. Let her look bad. Don't react.

    You're going to want to fight with her--explain why you're right, why you don't owe her anything, etc. Don't. Just don't. You engaging with her will encourage drama, and encourage her to keep trying. You engaging in any kind of negotiation with her is a signal that you could be persuaded, and she will NOT give up. Do not react. Do not explain. Say no and leave.

    I know this can be difficult but you're going to want to learn the skill of doing nothing in the face of crazy. Don't give into it, don't react to it, don't fight it, just shut that shit down with indifference.


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    Default Re: made a dumb move with another dancer

    Exactly what miss_red said
    If customers are still going to be handsy, I'm keeping both layers of thongs securely in place, thankyouverymuch.
    ~~~Candycups

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: made a dumb move with another dancer

    Just view it as charity. Or even hush money. Like here's some change to stfu and leave me alone.

    She obviously needed money more than you and her hustle is whack if she sat around All night knowing good and damn well she had childcare expenses. She should have squeezed that 20 out of the customer and not you. But she sounded desperate.

    I'd avoid her in the future cause can't be dragged down by broke dancers with bad hustle skills.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: made a dumb move with another dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Red View Post
    Forget it and move on. You'll never get that money back, and asking for it back will only create drama. Probably a lot of drama. Not worth it for $20 that you're never going to see again no matter what you do.

    That being said...I'd bet a lot more than the $20 you lost that she's going to ask you for money again. It worked once, she's manipulative, she's going to try again.

    The next time she does: you don't owe her an explanation. You don't owe it to her to listen to any of her reasons. You don't owe her a reaction or any reply other than "no". Practice at home in the mirror if you have to. "No, I'm not going to give you money, sorry." Then turn away, ignore her, leave. Let her yell and scream. Let her look bad. Don't react.

    You're going to want to fight with her--explain why you're right, why you don't owe her anything, etc. Don't. Just don't. You engaging with her will encourage drama, and encourage her to keep trying. You engaging in any kind of negotiation with her is a signal that you could be persuaded, and she will NOT give up. Do not react. Do not explain. Say no and leave.

    I know this can be difficult but you're going to want to learn the skill of doing nothing in the face of crazy. Don't give into it, don't react to it, don't fight it, just shut that shit down with indifference.
    Great advice, thank you

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    Default Re: made a dumb move with another dancer

    yup, charity money. if someone is so petty to ask you for money then i'd just give it to them and move on. But I wouldn't do it again. I have to pay a babysitter too, but that's definitely not my co-workers problem.

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    Featured Member rareaspasia's Avatar
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    Default Re: made a dumb move with another dancer

    Why the fuck did she spend that long with one customer? Aside from that everyone here already gave great advice.

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