Results 1 to 20 of 20

Thread: toxic marriage

  1. #1
    Member hellomisskitty's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked 14 Times in 5 Posts

    Default toxic marriage

    Hello ladies first of this is kind of gonna be a long post. I have been together with my husband for 11 years married for ten. I have two kids ones ten the other is four and a half years old. I met him on the internet on Yahoo messenger there is an age difference between us he is in his late fifthys now and I am almost 30. I moved in with him when I turned 18. Things were so perfect in the beginning he showered me with Love and affection, he cooked for me always opened the car doors for me. I remember him telling me I found my soul mate. I was on cloud nine. In the summer of 2005 i found out I was pregnant with my first born. I was happy that we were finally gonna be a family. In May if 2006 we took the leap and got married at the court house. I would say around year after my son was born things changed completely with him. He would say that if we trusted each other we should each have each other we should have access to each others email accounts and social media accounts. So I agreed at the time I did not see nothing wrong with it. Than next thing I knew he would start checking out my phone looking through the call history and asking me what number was this and if I didnt recognize the number he would write it down and call it right in front of me. He has an anger problem when he gets mad he breaks things. If I don't do what he wants he sulks and gets angry gives me the silent treatment. And this would go on for days. I tried communicating with him but when things get heated he tells me to shut the fuck up or leaves the house for a few hours. His mood he could be okay this day and angry the next day. I have caved in many times to try to make him happy just tomorrow keep him from being upset with me. I have left him about several times already. When he realizes that we have broken up he would plead and call me to get me back and I believed that he would change I wanted to keep our family together so i took him back this was years ago when I first broke up with him in total I would say I have left him five times. So the first time when I had gotten back together with him i told him that. We were gonna go to marriage counseling . We did a couple of sessions and that was it. I felt that in a way the counseling wasn't helping so we stopped going . The cycle continued I would get back together with him he would change for a little bit than he was back to his ways. It wasn't untill year later that I noticed this pattern and that it was unhealthy. The verbal assults got worst as the years went by he called me everynamae in the book. Constantly demanding that I spend time with him and that i was ignoring him. If I was on the phone withsomone he wants to know who. I am talking to what are you doing where are you going? I have lost several jobs cause of him. I am currently unemployed and finishing up my last semester of college.so I completely dependent on him for everything. Communication is very limited. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells so keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. I am currently leaving for good in seven days I can't take it no more. In the past when I had left him it was the money issues that made my breakup from him unsucessful. I have no support from my family and no friends in the city I live in. But about a year ago I managed to take out several student loans from school and opened up a bank account to secretly stash the money. My father has been helping me out giving me money once a month so whatever he gives me I put that up too. I am going through all kinds of emotions. I never thought that I would end up in a toxic relationship and I am upset. I have so
    Manny fears as I prepare to end my relationship for good. I have accepted the fact that he may never change and that if don't end thing my kids are gonna grow up repeating the same unhealthy behaviors.

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to hellomisskitty For This Useful Post:


  3. #2
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2010
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    4,570
    Thanks
    4,406
    Thanked 7,481 Times in 2,715 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Sadly, given the age difference and how young you were when you married him, I'd say that this was almost inevitable. Any young lady who is reading this and thinks it is perfectly fine to get serious with a guy who is 2+ decades older than you take heed, because something like this could very likely happen to you too.

    Hello, it sounds like he is getting insecure. He has an attractive young wife and he is getting old, facts which I am sure are not escaping him. It also sounds like he is afraid of losing his family, especially his children, and is trying to keep some level of control in order to keep that from happening. You have left him 5 times already, so his insecurities and fears about losing his family unit are not exactly unfounded.

    Now to be clear, I am not taking his side on this. He is behaving very badly, which sure as hell isn't helping matters. He also should have known better than to marry an 18 year old when he was in his 40s to begin with. When I was dating in my 30s, I could have dated younger girls too, but I didn't and it was to avoid shit just like this. People change dramatically from 18 to 28 and I had zero interest in fighting to hold onto a much younger wife who was developing a myriad of her own hopes and dreams and who may not want what she thought she did at 18 to 20.

    99.99% of the time I am against divorce when kids are involved because it almost inevitably fucks them up. But the instability they are already going through, with five breakups and his nasty treatment of you in front of the kids, is not healthy either. What a shit show. I guess the next step is to take a few bucks from what you have stashed aside and talk to a divorce lawyer about your options. If there is no prenup in the mix, then you may find that you have more options than you think.

    Good luck with all of this.

  4. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to rickdugan For This Useful Post:


  5. #3
    Member hellomisskitty's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked 14 Times in 5 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Sadly, given the age difference and how young you were when you married him, I'd say that this was almost inevitable. Any young lady who is reading this and thinks it is perfectly fine to get serious with a guy who is 2+ decades older than you take heed, because something like this could very likely happen to you too.

    Hello, it sounds like he is getting insecure. He has an attractive young wife and he is getting old, facts which I am sure are not escaping him. It also sounds like he is afraid of losing his family, especially his children, and is trying to keep some level of control in order to keep that from happening. You have left him 5 times already, so his insecurities and fears about losing his family unit are not exactly unfounded.

    Now to be clear, I am not taking his side on this. He is behaving very badly, which sure as hell isn't helping matters. He also should have known better than to marry an 18 year old when he was in his 40s to begin with. When I was dating in my 30s, I could have dated younger girls too, but I didn't and it was to avoid shit just like this. People change dramatically from 18 to 28 and I had zero interest in fighting to hold onto a much younger wife who was developing a myriad of her own hopes and dreams and who may not want what she thought she did at 18 to 20.

    99.99% of the time I am against divorce when kids are involved because it almost inevitably fucks them up. But the instability they are already going through, with five breakups and his nasty treatment of you in front of the kids, is not healthy either. What a shit show. I guess the next step is to take a few bucks from what you have stashed aside and talk to a divorce lawyer about your options. If there is no prenup in the mix, then you may find that you have more options than you think.

    Good luck with all of this.
    Thank you for your response and yes I truly think he is insecure and that's why he feels the need to control me. If I could go back in time I would have never gotten married but at the time I was too naive to see the seriousness of the situation.

  6. #4
    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    1,338
    Thanks
    247
    Thanked 1,580 Times in 667 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by hellomisskitty View Post
    Hello ladies first of this is kind of gonna be a long post. I have been together with my husband for 11 years married for ten. I have two kids ones ten the other is four and a half years old. I met him on the internet on Yahoo messenger there is an age difference between us he is in his late fifthys now and I am almost 30. I moved in with him when I turned 18. Things were so perfect in the beginning he showered me with Love and affection, he cooked for me always opened the car doors for me. I remember him telling me I found my soul mate. I was on cloud nine. In the summer of 2005 i found out I was pregnant with my first born. I was happy that we were finally gonna be a family. In May if 2006 we took the leap and got married at the court house. I would say around year after my son was born things changed completely with him. He would say that if we trusted each other we should each have each other we should have access to each others email accounts and social media accounts. So I agreed at the time I did not see nothing wrong with it. Than next thing I knew he would start checking out my phone looking through the call history and asking me what number was this and if I didnt recognize the number he would write it down and call it right in front of me. He has an anger problem when he gets mad he breaks things. If I don't do what he wants he sulks and gets angry gives me the silent treatment. And this would go on for days. I tried communicating with him but when things get heated he tells me to shut the fuck up or leaves the house for a few hours. His mood he could be okay this day and angry the next day. I have caved in many times to try to make him happy just tomorrow keep him from being upset with me. I have left him about several times already. When he realizes that we have broken up he would plead and call me to get me back and I believed that he would change I wanted to keep our family together so i took him back this was years ago when I first broke up with him in total I would say I have left him five times. So the first time when I had gotten back together with him i told him that. We were gonna go to marriage counseling . We did a couple of sessions and that was it. I felt that in a way the counseling wasn't helping so we stopped going . The cycle continued I would get back together with him he would change for a little bit than he was back to his ways. It wasn't untill year later that I noticed this pattern and that it was unhealthy. The verbal assults got worst as the years went by he called me everynamae in the book. Constantly demanding that I spend time with him and that i was ignoring him. If I was on the phone withsomone he wants to know who. I am talking to what are you doing where are you going? I have lost several jobs cause of him. I am currently unemployed and finishing up my last semester of college.so I completely dependent on him for everything. Communication is very limited. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells so keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. I am currently leaving for good in seven days I can't take it no more. In the past when I had left him it was the money issues that made my breakup from him unsucessful. I have no support from my family and no friends in the city I live in. But about a year ago I managed to take out several student loans from school and opened up a bank account to secretly stash the money. My father has been helping me out giving me money once a month so whatever he gives me I put that up too. I am going through all kinds of emotions. I never thought that I would end up in a toxic relationship and I am upset. I have so
    Manny fears as I prepare to end my relationship for good. I have accepted the fact that he may never change and that if don't end thing my kids are gonna grow up repeating the same unhealthy behaviors.
    ^good thinking.

    Of all the different posters on topics like this, I'm still waiting for the 1st one where the behavior of a guy like this got better, and they lived happily ever after. He is abusive and controlling and I guaranty you that it will only(continue to) get worse.

    I think most men who marry girls that young probably do it BECAUSE they think they will be able to control them.

    You have matured, as happens when you gain experience. Don't waste a lot of time worrying about the mistakes you made with this guy. Concetrate on how much better your life will be, with just your kids, or with and equal partner.

    One thing you haven't mentioned is seeing a lawyer. In just about every state you will be entitled to quite a bit of his income, property & even retirement money(pension, 401K, etc) If he is jobless or doesn't have any income, it may be hard to collect, but that would be just another reason to leave.

    Good luck, you are making the right decision for you and your kids.

  7. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to lemiwinks31 For This Useful Post:


  8. #5
    God/dess SnuffleUffleGrass's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2009
    Location
    HearstCastle, Rosebud
    Posts
    8,848
    Thanks
    22,676
    Thanked 17,513 Times in 6,696 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Just chiming in... I left my older boyfriend because he turned into a massive immature jerk. You're doing the right thing. Be safe & check in

  9. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SnuffleUffleGrass For This Useful Post:


  10. #6
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    75
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked 40 Times in 25 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I grew up in an extremely toxic household and I wished many times that my mom would split from my dad. You could keep going to the therapy on your own? Might be a good additional support for you. Wishing all the best, It is going to be a complex mix of emotions but I think you're doing the right thing, good luck love

  11. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cocoheartt For This Useful Post:


  12. #7
    Senior Member missmercedes's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2015
    Posts
    150
    Thanks
    296
    Thanked 326 Times in 98 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    As other posters have said it's really common for older guys who seek out younger women to end up being very controlling, and making sure u are dependent on them for everything. I really feel for ur situation and ur not alone in it at all.

    All I wanted to say is, be SURE u have a good lawyer. A guy like this may try to get full custody of ur children or make u appear an unfit mother in court due to bitterness over u leaving, especially if he has a lot of money. U really should seek legal counsel BEFORE!! u leave him so that u can be advised of the best way to keep ur kids or at least get a fair custody split. Good luck baby, we're all here for u xoxox






    ☆:*´¨`*:
    :*´¨`*:.☆

  13. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to missmercedes For This Useful Post:


  14. #8
    God/dess SylvySinclair's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Brazil
    Posts
    2,032
    Thanks
    372
    Thanked 1,849 Times in 902 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    im not sure how it works in the us, but here if one of the spouses leaves, the other can open a lawsuit saying he was abandoned as well as the kids. if u leave, make sure u take the kids with u or u will have a major headache.
    Visit my site for live shows, sexting and phone calls:
    twitter:

    Snapchat:



  15. The Following User Says Thank You to SylvySinclair For This Useful Post:


  16. #9
    Member hellomisskitty's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked 14 Times in 5 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by missmercedes View Post
    As other posters have said it's really common for older guys who seek out younger women to end up being very controlling, and making sure u are dependent on them for everything. I really feel for ur situation and ur not alone in it at all.

    All I wanted to say is, be SURE u have a good lawyer. A guy like this may try to get full custody of ur children or make u appear an unfit mother in court due to bitterness over u leaving, especially if he has a lot of money. U really should seek legal counsel BEFORE!! u leave him so that u can be advised of the best way to keep ur kids or at least get a fair custody split. Good luck baby, we're all here for u xoxox
    Thank you so much hun and. Everyone for the support and encouragement. I am going to seek out legal aid. In my state and see what my legal options are. And I will keep all you guys updated thankyou.

  17. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to hellomisskitty For This Useful Post:


  18. #10
    God/dess arielbriel's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    4,942
    Thanks
    20,254
    Thanked 7,454 Times in 2,760 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    You're doing the right thing. Good luck!

  19. #11
    Member
    Joined
    Nov 2009
    Location
    The great white north
    Posts
    39
    Thanks
    28
    Thanked 21 Times in 14 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    I got out of a similar probelm about a year ago. The thing that helped the most was the women who help victims of domestic violence at the local women's shelter. If you have angry emails, texts or voicemails this could be enough for you to get a protective order or restraining order. Even if you can't get one of those there are programs that help women in situations like yours. I was able to get rent assistance and free legal help that was actually helpful. If I had known about all the help out there for women in controlling or violent situations I would have left years ago.
    People of the same trade seldom meet together, even for merriment and diversion, but the conversation ends in a conspiracy against the public, or in some contrivance to raise prices. -Adam Smith, 1790

  20. The Following User Says Thank You to Dakotadancer For This Useful Post:


  21. #12
    God/dess arielbriel's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    4,942
    Thanks
    20,254
    Thanked 7,454 Times in 2,760 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Any update, hun?

  22. #13
    Member hellomisskitty's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked 14 Times in 5 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Update still haven't left yet I am going to finish up my last semester of college because I graduate in December of 2016 and. I'm still putting money away so that I feel confident when I leave at the end of the year.

  23. The Following User Says Thank You to hellomisskitty For This Useful Post:


  24. #14
    God/dess Gia2608's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Miami/ Ft. Lauderdale
    Posts
    3,337
    Thanks
    4,235
    Thanked 3,664 Times in 1,451 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheerful

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Rick basically took the words out of my... fingers. I'm sorry to sound so judgey because I know that he is your husband and at one point you really did love him but a 40 year old guy macking on a 17 year old girl online is a little creepy. Please be careful of what you post on this site as he seems to be going through all your shit and if he catches wind of your plans he may try to do something stupid and or crazy or sabotage your idea.
    XoXo Gia
    Danielle Fishell (the Dish): "If the Super-Star thing doesn't work out, Gia makes a great stripper name"

  25. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Gia2608 For This Useful Post:


  26. #15
    Member hellomisskitty's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked 14 Times in 5 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    I left five days ago finally free unfortunately I gotta take him to court cause he got the kids from school and has had them since.

  27. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hellomisskitty For This Useful Post:


  28. #16
    God/dess seashell's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Lucid Dreaming
    Posts
    3,524
    Thanks
    6,585
    Thanked 8,120 Times in 2,627 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    I am so glad that you left!! Remember this as a life lesson... be careful who you trust. It's easier to not start a toxic relationship, than to get out of one.

    Best of luck with everything. <3 <3

  29. The Following User Says Thank You to seashell For This Useful Post:


  30. #17
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    429
    Thanks
    670
    Thanked 439 Times in 178 Posts
    My Mood
    Inspired

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by hellomisskitty View Post
    Hello ladies first of this is kind of gonna be a long post. I have been together with my husband for 11 years married for ten. I have two kids ones ten the other is four and a half years old. I met him on the internet on Yahoo messenger there is an age difference between us he is in his late fifthys now and I am almost 30. I moved in with him when I turned 18. Things were so perfect in the beginning he showered me with Love and affection, he cooked for me always opened the car doors for me. I remember him telling me I found my soul mate. I was on cloud nine. In the summer of 2005 i found out I was pregnant with my first born. I was happy that we were finally gonna be a family. In May if 2006 we took the leap and got married at the court house. I would say around year after my son was born things changed completely with him. He would say that if we trusted each other we should each have each other we should have access to each others email accounts and social media accounts. So I agreed at the time I did not see nothing wrong with it. Than next thing I knew he would start checking out my phone looking through the call history and asking me what number was this and if I didnt recognize the number he would write it down and call it right in front of me. He has an anger problem when he gets mad he breaks things. If I don't do what he wants he sulks and gets angry gives me the silent treatment. And this would go on for days. I tried communicating with him but when things get heated he tells me to shut the fuck up or leaves the house for a few hours. His mood he could be okay this day and angry the next day. I have caved in many times to try to make him happy just tomorrow keep him from being upset with me. I have left him about several times already. When he realizes that we have broken up he would plead and call me to get me back and I believed that he would change I wanted to keep our family together so i took him back this was years ago when I first broke up with him in total I would say I have left him five times. So the first time when I had gotten back together with him i told him that. We were gonna go to marriage counseling . We did a couple of sessions and that was it. I felt that in a way the counseling wasn't helping so we stopped going . The cycle continued I would get back together with him he would change for a little bit than he was back to his ways. It wasn't untill year later that I noticed this pattern and that it was unhealthy. The verbal assults got worst as the years went by he called me everynamae in the book. Constantly demanding that I spend time with him and that i was ignoring him. If I was on the phone withsomone he wants to know who. I am talking to what are you doing where are you going? I have lost several jobs cause of him. I am currently unemployed and finishing up my last semester of college.so I completely dependent on him for everything. Communication is very limited. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells so keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. I am currently leaving for good in seven days I can't take it no more. In the past when I had left him it was the money issues that made my breakup from him unsucessful. I have no support from my family and no friends in the city I live in. But about a year ago I managed to take out several student loans from school and opened up a bank account to secretly stash the money. My father has been helping me out giving me money once a month so whatever he gives me I put that up too. I am going through all kinds of emotions. I never thought that I would end up in a toxic relationship and I am upset. I have so
    Manny fears as I prepare to end my relationship for good. I have accepted the fact that he may never change and that if don't end thing my kids are gonna grow up repeating the same unhealthy behaviors.
    Hey, sorry for the late reply and I didn't read the rest of the responses but sorry if this is redundant. I went through the the same thing. My ex was almost 20 years older than me. Same story, fell head over heels and he slowly made me 100% dependant upon him. He because incredibly controlling and would not even leave water or money for me to drink. It was very abusive and the first response has it right. He has realized he is an old fuck and he hates you for being Young. It's the truth. He's realized he's changed and you're getting your life together and about to take on a new phase in life that will make you able to succeed without him. My advise is let him go.

  31. #18
    Banned
    Joined
    Jul 2015
    Location
    In your man's arms
    Posts
    429
    Thanks
    215
    Thanked 1,054 Times in 319 Posts
    My Mood
    Happy

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    After reading this thread I know now not to marry a man more than ten years my senior. Ouch. *hugs*

  32. #19
    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2010
    Location
    USA, northeast
    Posts
    7,317
    Thanks
    30,600
    Thanked 17,691 Times in 5,185 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by hellomisskitty View Post
    I left five days ago finally free unfortunately I gotta take him to court cause he got the kids from school and has had them since.
    That is scary that he just took the kids like that. Sounds like you need a temporary custody order ASAP.


  33. #20
    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    1,338
    Thanks
    247
    Thanked 1,580 Times in 667 Posts

    Default Re: toxic marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by hellomisskitty View Post
    I left five days ago finally free unfortunately I gotta take him to court cause he got the kids from school and has had them since.
    get a lawyer immediately if you don't have one already. One that specialized in divorce. He/she could have been giving you advice on how to handle it up until now.

Similar Threads

  1. is there such a thing as a toxic customer? not to be mistaken for a toxic regular.
    By TheWeirdOne in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 04-09-2014, 06:07 AM
  2. Toxic Wasteland
    By Pure in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 08-10-2010, 12:18 PM
  3. Toxic Lipstick
    By SexBomb in forum Body Business
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 10-13-2007, 03:01 AM
  4. Toxic
    By amylynnej in forum Music Mix
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 03-12-2007, 03:10 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •