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Thread: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

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    Dizzy You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    When you read this you'll understand why civvies can be such a royal pain, and why we dudes love you guys so much. But, it's about a friend and I need insight. Please.

    I have this friend I've had for 14 years. She is attractive and smart, and she is married. We met supporting one of the arts groups I do some volunteer work for, and we hit it off as friends very quickly. The long and short of it is I respect her, and I don't mess around with married women unless they are poly (she isn't), and unlike many poor civvie dudes I don't need to go after every female I deal with.

    She is animated and fun, and she does the "little girl prodigy" hustle at her job, and has lots of conservative old dudes wanting to tap her. She tried that shit on me a bit, not for sex, but as a habit. Of course I didn't bite. However, the smart side of her I like, and she's an excellent business contact, so we stay friends and I see her every so often around the country.

    Last week a long time mutual friend of ours died. We both flew in for the funeral, and we both wound up at his widowed wife's house. We talked with her late into the night, and finally she stopped crying and went to bed. I went into the music room, and my friend came in with a bottle of wine. We reminisced a bit, then she said, "you know, they were never physical. Her (the widowed wife's) first husband was physical to the point of abuse, and part of her missed that." I asked her, what's more important to a woman, what the marriage looks like from the outside or how it is from the inside?

    She poured us both more wine, which I didn't really want, and sat for a bit and then started to cry. She told me her husband had loved another woman for two years, but that she had driven him to it. The pain was coming off her in waves, and she told the story in a weird voice I had never heard her use.

    I told her, bullshit,men spend all their time in a quasi-sexual haze. If he had a two year affair it was because of him, not you. She started defending him, and swearing that she had caused it and telling me she'd thrown a knife at him once, was a horrible person, on and on. She said, "you think I'm a good person but you're not listening to me" and she kept this up through two more glasses.

    I was was literally at a loss for words. Funerals make me pensive, and my head wasn't in it. Then she said, "a woman wants to be craved". Some part of me knew 100% she wasn't looking for sex. I talked about other stuff for a bit, and then went to bed.

    Two days later, when she got back home she changed her Facebook pic to one of her and her husband, and goes on a spree of posting how great he is. I actually want to keep her as a friend. What the hell happened, and what should I do? I'm happy to fill in any gaps if you need more info. Thanks for any thoughts.
    Last edited by Bahuba; 06-28-2016 at 10:25 PM.
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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    She got drunk and her true feelings accidentally came out. She's probably is lacking passion in her marriage.

    Now she's sober and back to her senses - but still in a weird dynamic marriage where her husband allegedly cheats and she just sits back like its nothing. By posting homages on Facebook to her husband she is trying to tell the world she's committed, giving him positive reinforcement, showing off her "perfect" marriage, and maybe feeling slight guilt over her drunk ramblings.

    She also is probably trying to slick make her husband jealous and divert his attention from his jump off mistresses back to her by having other men desire her it shows her husband she's still attractive and he needs to compete to win her.

    Glad you didn't fuck her because she seems confused like the type of person that will seduce you then after the fact be like omg what just happened.

    Whatever you do never be one on one with her she could lie to her husband saying you came onto her. She's a confused woman - maybe the funeral and alcohol had something to do with it - but proceed with caution.
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 06-29-2016 at 05:41 AM.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    To keep the friendship avoid prodding or mentioning the issue. Even feign forgetfulness. The Facebook photos are to reassure herself/everyone else he is hers.

    It's quite common pattern, for people to get tipsy and confess secrets like you mentioned. Then go do the opposite the next day.

    I've been through this with friends many times. Under no circumstances are you the listener allowed to mention any negatives about their partner.

    The outside perception is sometimes more important to ppl. They are wanted and part of a couple.

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    I felt like I might have dodged a bullet there. I got asked to help settle the bereaved wife's estate (for free of course) so I asked my friend by text what she knew about the bills, and she sent me one line, but it wasn't unfriendly or anything. She's an every-hair-in-place, perfect marriage, only ever been with one man person. The only mistake I made was, I think, when I was trying to explain about men, I said, take me; I've been with a lot more women than you think and done a lot more than you probably could imagine. Now she'll probably cast me as "perverted" but whatever. As long as she doesn't throw any knives at me :-)

    Thanks so much for the insight - I'm feeling better about it. Of course I welcome any thoughts or suggestions.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    Many women although they desire passion, will settle for no passion and 'all the rest'... Sounds like your friend is like that. Other women are discovering polly... ;-)

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    I felt like I might have dodged a bullet there. I got asked to help settle the bereaved wife's estate (for free of course) so I asked my friend by text what she knew about the bills, and she sent me one line, but it wasn't unfriendly or anything. She's an every-hair-in-place, perfect marriage, only ever been with one man person. The only mistake I made was, I think, when I was trying to explain about men, I said, take me; I've been with a lot more women than you think and done a lot more than you probably could imagine. Now she'll probably cast me as "perverted" but whatever. As long as she doesn't throw any knives at me :-)

    Thanks so much for the insight - I'm feeling better about it. Of course I welcome any thoughts or suggestions.
    Originally Posted by
    I don't know what it is about me that says "wife me up." Everyone wants to choke me or date me. Or both. This job is weird.


    Originally Posted by Nocturnelle
    ... Kittens are assholes but they're just so darn cute.

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    When you read this you'll understand why civvies can be such a royal pain, and why we dudes love you guys so much. But, it's about a friend and I need insight. Please.

    I have this friend I've had for 14 years. She is attractive and smart, and she is married. We met supporting one of the arts groups I do some volunteer work for, and we hit it off as friends very quickly. The long and short of it is I respect her, and I don't mess around with married women unless they are poly (she isn't), and unlike many poor civvie dudes I don't need to go after every female I deal with.

    She is animated and fun, and she does the "little girl prodigy" hustle at her job, and has lots of conservative old dudes wanting to tap her. She tried that shit on me a bit, not for sex, but as a habit. Of course I didn't bite. However, the smart side of her I like, and she's an excellent business contact, so we stay friends and I see her every so often around the country.

    Last week a long time mutual friend of ours died. We both flew in for the funeral, and we both wound up at his widowed wife's house. We talked with her late into the night, and finally she stopped crying and went to bed. I went into the music room, and my friend came in with a bottle of wine. We reminisced a bit, then she said, "you know, they were never physical. Her (the widowed wife's) first husband was physical to the point of abuse, and part of her missed that." I asked her, what's more important to a woman, what the marriage looks like from the outside or how it is from the inside?

    She poured us both more wine, which I didn't really want, and sat for a bit and then started to cry. She told me her husband had loved another woman for two years, but that she had driven him to it. The pain was coming off her in waves, and she told the story in a weird voice I had never heard her use.

    I told her, bullshit,men spend all their time in a quasi-sexual haze. If he had a two year affair it was because of him, not you. She started defending him, and swearing that she had caused it and telling me she'd thrown a knife at him once, was a horrible person, on and on. She said, "you think I'm a good person but you're not listening to me" and she kept this up through two more glasses.

    I was was literally at a loss for words. Funerals make me pensive, and my head wasn't in it. Then she said, "a woman wants to be craved". Some part of me knew 100% she wasn't looking for sex. I talked about other stuff for a bit, and then went to bed.

    Two days later, when she got back home she changed her Facebook pic to one of her and her husband, and goes on a spree of posting how great he is. I actually want to keep her as a friend. What the hell happened, and what should I do? I'm happy to fill in any gaps if you need more info. Thanks for any thoughts.
    If she threw a knife at him then yeah, there's a good chance she has an abused side, and did drive the guy to it. Clearly you don't know her as well as you think, because she likely never allowed to see her dark side.

    Avoid any none business relationship with her, don't get romantically involved with her, the old saying "you don't stick your dick in crazy" applies.

    Ignore my advice and you better hope your heart hangs alittle to the left!

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    So two weeks later and she's still buffing hubs " I'm going to the mountains with my lover and dearest friend, my husband". Whatevs. I'll call her in a month and see if she's back to normal.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    She is 'putting her shields up', hoping you don't use you skills which will easily get through... The question is - Will either of you be happy afterwards if something does happen?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    So two weeks later and she's still buffing hubs " I'm going to the mountains with my lover and dearest friend, my husband". Whatevs. I'll call her in a month and see if she's back to normal.
    Originally Posted by
    I don't know what it is about me that says "wife me up." Everyone wants to choke me or date me. Or both. This job is weird.


    Originally Posted by Nocturnelle
    ... Kittens are assholes but they're just so darn cute.

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    It sounds to me like she was embarrassed about airing her dirty laundry and is worried about her image, so now she is overcompensating. There is nothing for you to do except to stay out of it and let it blow over. If she reaches out to you then you can certainly assure her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about, but approaching her yourself will probably just make her feel worse.

    On a side note, it is amazing how highly correlated attraction and feelings of friendship are when a grown man wishes to be a good "friend" to a grown woman. Just some food for thought as you continue to think about your "friendship" with this married woman who clearly still loves her husband.

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    .
    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    It sounds to me like she was embarrassed about airing her dirty laundry and is worried about her image, so now she is overcompensating. There is nothing for you to do except to stay out of it and let it blow over. If she reaches out to you then you can certainly assure her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about, but approaching her yourself will probably just make her feel worse.

    On a side note, it is amazing how highly correlated attraction and feelings of friendship are when a grown man wishes to be a good "friend" to a grown woman. Just some food for thought as you continue to think about your "friendship" with this married woman who clearly still loves her husband.
    I get what you're saying but in this case, it really is. She is as much of a business contact as a friend. I deal with a lot of women and don't give it a second thought.
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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    Quote Originally Posted by CFMNH44 View Post
    She is 'putting her shields up', hoping you don't use you skills which will easily get through... The question is - Will either of you be happy afterwards if something does happen?
    Nothing will - I promise I have the foresight not to - plus see miss ap above, i.e., DO NOT TAP :-)
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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    .

    I get what you're saying but in this case, it really is. She is as much of a business contact as a friend. I deal with a lot of women and don't give it a second thought.
    Meethinks thou doest protest too much. Especially after the great pains you went through before to outline how smart and attractive she is, along with her "little girl prodigy" hustle that you needed let us know did not affect you in the least. Oh yeah, and let's not forget how you tripped over yourself to make it clear that you don't mess with married women and that you weren't reading what happened that night as an invitation. Oh yeah, clearly sex with her has never crossed your mind...

    But ok, let's assume for a moment that your motives are 100% noble and you really just want her to be a great pal. My answer would be the same. It's not your business and anything you do would likely just make things worse.

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    Default Re: You who see so deeply into the human heart, help a man to understand....

    I
    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Meethinks thou doest protest too much. Especially after the great pains you went through before to outline how smart and attractive she is, along with her "little girl prodigy" hustle that you needed let us know did not affect you in the least. Oh yeah, and let's not forget how you tripped over yourself to make it clear that you don't mess with married women and that you weren't reading what happened that night as an invitation. Oh yeah, clearly sex with her has never crossed your mind...

    But ok, let's assume for a moment that your motives are 100% noble and you really just want her to be a great pal. My answer would be the same. It's not your business and anything you do would likely just make things worse.
    I was just laying out the scene - and the hustle part, I was trying to be that bad ass guy that knows about hustles on this site. :-)

    Really, I don't ever get involved with married women. It doesn't matter how attractive they are. I've seen what can happen. I keep clarifying because the more you know the truth, the better your advice will be. I think I've got it loud and clear though, she was drunk, ain't my business, step away from the crying lady. That, my dear Rick, is why we love SWs, so we don't let our masculine directives impair our wisdom.
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