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Thread: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

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    Default I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

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    Last edited by luna93; 07-23-2019 at 09:35 PM.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    I'm sorry you're going through this :/
    I get the whole loner mentality, and I know it's hard to get used to having to consider someone else when you're so accustomed to only having to worry about yourself. That comes with time and patience, and the fact that you recognize it is a good sign. I also get that it's hurtful for him, too, but he had no excuse to react the way he did. To me, all that breaking up the room and flipping over the bed sounds like he knew that he was doing something wrong and was trying to flip the script on you to relieve himself of any blame. Also, on that note, he sounds violent and that's a bad sign. Just because he's done a few good things for you doesn't mean that he's a good person.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Your first breakup is tough.

    I'm sure you're more than aware that you have faults, and it's good to own your own shit. However, I always find it unproductive, especially at the fresh stages of a bad breakup, to point out and obsess over your issues right now. People seem to fall into this trap of somehow thinking that simply because they aren't PERFECT that means that they should just put up with whatever bullshit another person slings at them as long as that person says they "love you."

    He was lying to you, kept lying (and seems to be continuing to try to lie even more) to cover his ass, threw a tantrum just because you wanted to set up your workspace the way you wanted to (wtf?), and got physically violent when you broke up with him for a totally valid reason. He shows no real remorse for anything and keeps lying. For that matter, how do you know "for a fact" that he's never actually cheated on you? He doesn't seem the type to own up to anything or act guilty.

    Bottom line: just because you have faults of your own doesn't mean you're required to put up with any and every disrespectful behavior from someone else; and just because someone isn't an obvious monster 100% of the time and occasionally does nice things for you doesn't mean they have no dealbreakers in their personality or that they're the person you should continue to waste time on.

    Btw, there's nothing wrong with just focusing on yourself for now. Choosing to not be in a relationship at the moment, not only just because he's broken your trust and flipped his shit, but because you just want to focus on things in life other than a romantic partner right now, is not some sort of inherently evil personality trait of yours. So you're a little selfish... you tried to own up to it and make it work by offering an open relationship as long as he was honest. He couldn't even manage that. So maybe you're just meant to do you right now. It doesn't make you evil or unlovable. It's just what you want to focus on right now.

    Best of luck with everything!
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 09-08-2016 at 11:37 AM.
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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    Thank you, both of you. Good god. This will involve breaking a lease, moving to a cheaper place, changing my phone plan, gym membership.

    I guess his little brother has been missing for the past few days.

    Mercury Retrograde started on my birthday this year. I was nervous about it and lo and behold--for good fucking reason.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    If hes smoking weed hes an ahole dweeb.

    You seriously think youd be married for even 10 yrs anyways - yea right.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    It does't seem this guy really wants to settle down. You, on the other hand, were not interested in exploring the other options out there. Good news is, you are only 23. Take a deep breath and tell yourself :" i am going to hit the reset button now. start fresh, tomorrow will be a good day!"
    I like being alone, I just don't like being lonely.




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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    Quote Originally Posted by luna93 View Post
    we have agreed to being poly amorous so long as we inform each other of what is going on.


    Flash forward to now, I wouldn't take his advice on setting up my cam space and wanted to experiment on my own which pissed him off, so he passed out on the couch. I go through his phone and he is messaging another 18 year old.
    This right here!!! He did NOT inform you his intent to meet up with this girl therefore he broke the agreement therefore this would count as a form of cheating to me.

    Plus He kept lying and changing his story so it seems suspect to me. He did not come clean and apologize he lashed out at you.

    He doesn't understand you so rather than get to know you better or come to a reasonable agreement, he goes and acts passive aggressive by messaging young girls behind your back then gets mad at YOU when you discover his dirty dogging ways. wow!

    Granted you shouldn't have been trolling through his phone while he was asleep. You know when you go looking for dirt you usually find it.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    It honestly sounds like you want to be in a workaholic mode and don't want this relationship ( just reading it at a quick glance ).
    If that's the case .... you certainly don't need anyone's blessing but I'll give you mine anyway.

    It's just my opinion but I find that when people " accidentally forget " to give their partner any attention .... it's because they are essentially checked out.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    I'd wager that if you are a traditionally sexual person, and at age 23 you are only having "relations" twice a month, then one of two things is the case:

    You are no longer in love with Monsieur Footrubber OR
    Your heart is telling you to prepare for opportunity by saving and honing your game, and you sense that Sir Cooks-a-lot is not a part of that opportunity.

    Business women tend to get serious in their mid twenties, and they jettison guys who hold them back. You're not really flipping over the bed flipping, either, which I would be. Why destroy things and get violent? It means he feels a loss of control, and that means he KNOWS that you are movin' on, IMHO.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    It's been mostly from complications from squirting so much (first ltr) and subsequent bladder spasms and pelvic pain, which there isn't a lot you can do for.

    But yes, I have had my doubts of us on a long term scale, but who doesn't? Everyone falls in and out of love and I wanted to make it work.

    Anyways, it's over. He is between jobs and I'm letting him stay until he gets back on his feet to get his own place. (One month tops) it's going to be a mess but I'm not going back on this.

    This will be the first time living by myself, and to go from total loner to constant attention and affection to the only human contact being at the club? I don't know how I'm going to drag myself out of bed. I haven't had a close friend in years besides him, and now that I don't have roommates I fear I might go crazy.
    Last edited by luna93; 09-09-2016 at 01:13 AM.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    Quote Originally Posted by luna93 View Post
    to go from total loner to constant attention and affection to the only human contact being at the club? I don't know how I'm going to drag myself out of bed. I haven't had a close friend in years besides him, and now that I don't have roommates I fear I might go crazy.
    I can relate to this. I had a rough transition period after my last breakup. I had been single for a long time as well, and basically went from loner to being in a relationship + having a roommate who was around all the time - then back to no relationship and my roommate and I went our separate ways when the lease was up shortly after the breakup. Yes, it's rough, but it was also tough to switch from loner to relationship + roommate in the beginning. It's always going to be weird at first to go from one type of lifestyle (someone around all the time) to a different type of lifestyle (being on your own) or even vice versa, but you'll start getting used to it again, especially if you're working on so much right now.

    I slowly scaled down from going out most nights to talk to random people and living with a sometimes-there, random roommate, to now I almost never go out and I live on my own again, and rarely crave the company of people. You can readjust. It'll just take some time. Sometimes I think that people I see hop from bad relationship to bad relationship, claiming they "can't" be alone aren't even giving it a try. It's a BIG change, so yes, it'll be uncomfortable for awhile and take some time. But humans are very capable of readapting to their circumstances. And if you've already been a loner for a lot of your life, you're one up on people who have never had to deal with their own company.

    Just know that the "feeling crazy" thing is normal for awhile. But it won't last as you fill your life with other things and relearn to be by yourself. You sound so independent and strong already, I'm sure you'll be ok!
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you, it has to be incredibly difficult to work through.

    Agreeing to be in a polyamorous relationship can have its downside. It's obvious that you care for him so much that you were willing to allow this type of relationship to satisfy his need for a sexual outlet. By agreeing to allow that situation because of his feelings and needs, that shows that you're thinking of him before yourself and doing so unselfishly.

    One thing I didn't see about your post is an indication of any kind of request for an age parameter. Obviously, of legal age but why are you bothered by an 18 year old and not a 30 or 40 year old? Are you feeling threatened by the 18 year old or just concerned for her well being, because you feel that she might be making a mistake by becoming involved with your boyfriend?

    I'm in agreement with those who have pointed out that he's broken the trust and because of that, things have changed. In fact, they've changed dramatically. You made an agreement to allow this type of relationship and that agreement was made on the premise that you would be open and honest with each other. I'm a bit confused in the way you describe this arrangement though. One one hand, it sounds like you're agreeing to allow him to see others for a sexual outlet but on the other hand, it sounds like you're giving him the ok to pursue other relationships.

    The reason that he threw the fit that he did was because you busted him and when he couldn't come up with good excuses or lies, he became angry and went way overboard expressing it. He absolutely did something wrong - acting like that is not a rational response. Has he been abusive to you in the past? My guess is that he decided to break up with you, because he knew it would hurt you and secondly, so he could have the freedom to explore things with the 18 year old, without having go through arguments or suffer repercussions for what he's doing.

    As far as calling you to get back together, he's probably realized that he's made a big mistake in losing you OR he met up with this 18 year old and things didn't turn out quite as he'd hoped. Whatever you do, don't let him guilt you into getting back together or blaming you and saying that this is your fault. I get the impression that you're readily willing to accept the blame in this situation and that would be wrong on your part. He should be on his knees kissing your ass, because most girls would make their guy just deal with it, in regard to his need for an outlet, due to the fact that you're having medical issues.

    You can't trust him at this point. He's broken the trust and no matter what happens in the future, there's always going to be a doubt in your mind, questioning if he's lying to you.

    It's always easier for other people to see your situation and comment on it - they can see what's going on but you have no perspective on it. You're too close to the situation and your judgement is clouded by emotion. Being in a relationship and dealing with the problems that a relationship brings is kind of like looking at a painting. When you're really close to it, all you see is blobs of color and what might be brush strokes. It's only when you step back and take a look at it that you can see the full picture.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    that relationship seems to be giving you a lot of grief hun. from what you said, it seem like the bad outweighs the good. but I find the whole incident of him flipping the bed with you in it to be a MAJOR red flag. please do not ignore that. if there's one thing I have learned from being 23 & naïve, it is that that once a man acts out violently, it only gets worse from that point forward. next thing you know he will be busting you upside your heard. I recommend you do some research about people with narcissistic personality disorder. because in my opinion a lot of what you said about his behavior points to that. especially the part about not being able to admit he was wrong. & being violent. the only reason he is calling you to apologize is because he wants to pull you back in. it has nothing to do with you or guilt, those kind of individuals aren't capable of sympathy or remorse. not trying to be harsh.. just sharing what I've learned along the way. whatever you decision you make I hope you at least give yourself a few months to evaluate you situation.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    Well, update: he refused to leave the house so I could clear my head, so I was picking fights. (I told him I needed SPACE because it was really hard for me to be cordial, and if he could just stay at a friends for a few days...)

    He proceeds to smash my phone with his bare hands, cutting himself in the process, breaking more things, puts the BB gun we keep for protection into his mouth, firing, and falling to the floor with a thud.

    I run outside screaming for help. The neighbor lady dials 911. I faint from the ensuing panic attack. Paramedic arrives, we go back upstairs. He's gone. No blood. No one to be seen.

    I spend the rest of the night at a friends house hyperventilating/crying/freaking out. I have no idea where he is. He calls my friends cell in the morning, saying he was in the hospital and will be at our place to get his things.

    When he showed up he explained very little. Apparently the gun got jammed, and he thought he felt the bullet, so he fell to the ground. I think he shot a blank to scare the hell out of me. He spent the rest of the time gathering his things and insulting me.

    3 days later I check my bank account at my parents house, and I see a $65 purchase from Atlanta, Georgia for a pair of new shoes. This motherfucker was stealing from me on top of everything else. From his mom's house.

    Obviously the card is cancelled, obviously I'm never seeing him again.

    Truly astounded with myself. I've never gotten wrapped up in anything like this before.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    Quote Originally Posted by luna93 View Post
    Well, update: he refused to leave the house so I could clear my head, so I was picking fights. (I told him I needed SPACE because it was really hard for me to be cordial, and if he could just stay at a friends for a few days...)

    He proceeds to smash my phone with his bare hands, cutting himself in the process, breaking more things, puts the BB gun we keep for protection into his mouth, firing, and falling to the floor with a thud.

    I run outside screaming for help. The neighbor lady dials 911. I faint from the ensuing panic attack. Paramedic arrives, we go back upstairs. He's gone. No blood. No one to be seen.

    I spend the rest of the night at a friends house hyperventilating/crying/freaking out. I have no idea where he is. He calls my friends cell in the morning, saying he was in the hospital and will be at our place to get his things.

    When he showed up he explained very little. Apparently the gun got jammed, and he thought he felt the bullet, so he fell to the ground. I think he shot a blank to scare the hell out of me. He spent the rest of the time gathering his things and insulting me.

    3 days later I check my bank account at my parents house, and I see a $65 purchase from Atlanta, Georgia for a pair of new shoes. This motherfucker was stealing from me on top of everything else. From his mom's house.

    Obviously the card is cancelled, obviously I'm never seeing him again.

    Truly astounded with myself. I've never gotten wrapped up in anything like this before.
    the whole "i'm gonna kill myself" thing is just another tactic to control you. they never actually follow through with that nonsense. I guarantee you the moment you stop reacting to that, is the moment he stops doing it.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    You sound very mentally mature for a 23 year old, and I want to give you a big hug! Emotionally and with respect to relationships you will probably look back in 10 years and realize what a DB this kid was. I have never agreed with one of Bahuba's posts more about business women getting serious in their mid 20's this is so, so, so true!! This guy would have held you back. Take this time to see what you want to improve about yourself. Want to build up your savings, work towards an education or buying a house? Want to make more friends? Do it! There is no one standing in your way.


    You likely will not need to move or break your lease. Once you do not have an UN-employed male in your house you will have more money or maybe you can look into getting a room mate again. Also, why would you need a new gym membership? Just go to a different location if that is where he works out.
    XoXo Gia
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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    I guess I'm just struggling with the fact that despite the relationship WAS an abusive one, that it's still the most *loved* I've ever felt. The most nurturing, the most encouragement, the most affectionate. It felt so good to feel known. I have a pretty good idea of how rare that shit is. It's very conflicting.

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    Default Re: I have no one to talk to about this. (Break up)

    ^^^I can relate luna - I found myself getting attached to a guy who was abusive. Rational thinking would be like why the heck stay with someone who's giving you an abusive relationship but caring, intimacy, love, etc can be blinding to the reality (so you minimize and/or stay in denial). The mind is a powerful thing.

    He is only one guy out of millions. You never know, if you open your mind to the possibilities and believe you deserve to be treated how you want to be treated, then you could find options that are more suitable for you.

    Or maybe he is willing to work on his flaws and shortcomings to make the relationship healthier.

    Just gotta know when it's better to let someone go vs stay with someone who will never change/you won't be happy with.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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