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Thread: Overbearing Parents

  1. #1
    God/dess seashell's Avatar
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    Default Overbearing Parents

    How do you deal with parents who have high expectations of you? Have you ever had to distance yourself from your parents?

    I'm trying to avoid writing a novel length post, but basically, I'm an only child and my parents are super involved in my life, have an opinion on everything I do, and are constantly either praising me or making me feel like shit about my life decisions. And aside from sex work, which I've managed to keep mostly under the radar, I've accomplished a lot that they are proud of -- I've worked my ass off my whole life, I graduated from college with a master's degree and got a very respectable job (even though I left it last year, because of health/relationship problems, which did not make the parents happy). My hobbies are music and art, so of course they randomly ask me to perform music or show my art to friends/family, and talk about all my "accomplishments." I'm their show pony, but I hate it, it stresses me out and puts a lot of pressure on me. I've talked to my friends who have siblings, and they say they don't have to deal with this stuff. I just never feel like I'm good enough, and even minor things (like my recent problem of changing plans from teaching abroad to coming home for a few months and saving money first) make me agonize and rip my hair out wondering how disappointed they're going to be.

    I realize I should be grateful to have parents who are alive, involved, and care about me, but it's not really a great situation. I appreciate them, but sometimes their behavior really takes a toll on me.

    I've already distanced myself from my dad, but my mom is still a part of my life. She texts me every day, is constantly talking about me/sharing all my posts on facebook, and wants me to come back home/to come visit me abroad so we can spend time together. Today I finally unfollowed her on facebook, because it's driving me insane.

    Anyone have similar experiences or advice?

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    Veteran Member BarbieNYC's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    No advice here, but I definitely feel your pain.

    My dad remarried and I have half siblings so he is pretty awesome when it comes to not being overbearing. He's a dick, but I appreciate that he let's me do my own thing.

    My mom has no partner and I am her only kid. She is already mentally unstable and has no friends due to how difficult she is. The best time in my life was when I was living across the country from her. She's suffocating.

    I guess the only thing that helped was being far away lol also this made me realize I was either going to have no kids or at least two because while there are a lot of benefits to being an only child, the pressure as your parents get older can get very overwhelming.

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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    Have you ever tried discussing this with your parents?

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    Member Minxnymph's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    I had to go limited contact with my parents for a while because it was too much involvement in my life. I just limited phone calls to a few minutes, only light topics. I moved away. A visit once or twice a year is ok, but you have to remember that THEY are the ones who chose to have kids, and that does not mean you owe them anything. Tell them that you are excited to be your own person for a while if they can't take the hints and tell them you are going to limit or go no contact if they don't ease up.

    A lot of parents are so wrapped up in raising kids they they neglect their own lives and live vicariously or project their desires onto their kid's lives. Once the kids become adults it's like the parent's can't handle the shift back to being themselves because they have wrapped up their identity with yours and that isn't fair. Encourage them to get hobbies or travel the world and do they stuff they couldn't when they were raising you. Have some things planned for yourself so that you don't seem like you are always open schedule for their involvement.

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    Senior Member msjoiparker's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    I went no contact for awhile now I live with my grandma (who is/has enabled the family dysfunction) and I can't wait to move so I can go no contact again

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    Featured Member Violethollywood's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    i cant really relate. both my parents are pieces of shit.
    i haven't spoke to my mom in 10 years (pill addict, addicted to whiskey, mentally ill as fuck. tried to kill me 2x)
    my dad, i haven't really seen in almost a year except driving around town. last year he would constantly call me and beg me for money or to come out and see him or ask me for advice about him and his ex gf and get mad when i'd tell him i'd have plans/ was broke/ didn't like his ex gf bc shes a bad influence (another pill addict, money hungry whore.)
    so my dad would inturn leave me threatening vmails treating me like a two bit whore, calling me names etc.

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    God/dess WendiStarr's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    My mom is kind of like that. I'm not an only child though. I have 6 other siblings and my mom happens to hate me out of all us. She will air dirty laundry and rumors about me via Facebook statuses instead of contacting me directly about it. She likes to talk about how so and so's daughter is married, working as a nurse, has a nice house, nice car, to make me feel bad. When my daughter and I were homeless is when she was the worst and and the most evil, especially when she found out that I was working at a strip club and working as a webcam model. When I found an apartment to live at and a vanilla job(and secretly kept doing the webcamming on the side), she still treated me like I was garbage. She gets into these moods will she will be nice but her meanness is more often. If I don't respond to her texts or messages, she flips out on me. I've come to accept that my mom will never be happy with me, no matter what. Some people are just like that, I guess. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.

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    God/dess WendiStarr's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    Quote Originally Posted by Violethollywood View Post
    i cant really relate. both my parents are pieces of shit.
    i haven't spoke to my mom in 10 years (pill addict, addicted to whiskey, mentally ill as fuck. tried to kill me 2x)
    my dad, i haven't really seen in almost a year except driving around town. last year he would constantly call me and beg me for money or to come out and see him or ask me for advice about him and his ex gf and get mad when i'd tell him i'd have plans/ was broke/ didn't like his ex gf bc shes a bad influence (another pill addict, money hungry whore.)
    so my dad would inturn leave me threatening vmails treating me like a two bit whore, calling me names etc.
    Wow, that's even worse than my parents/mom! I am sorry that you have parents like that. That's awful.

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    Yes! I know what you mean.

    All I can say is Boundaries....implement them even with your family members such as parents.

    My family members annoy the hell out of me, a lot. They are extra conservative, undermine me when I'm in leadership position, Play mind games like run guilt trips when I don't do what they want, and still treat me like a some destitute 18 year old.

    I usually try to be calm and shrug it off first, if that doesn't work I tell them direct, if that doesn't work I avoid them until they get the point that I'm not their puppet, therapist, cab driver, do - bitch, etc.

    I can see where being an only child would contribute to parents acting this way but I've also seen this parenting style with parents that have multiple children too.

    At the end of the day it's YOUR life not your parents and after age 18 you really don't owe them anything except not to be a burden on them which sounds like you're an ideal daughter they just have irrational expectations.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    God/dess xxxGothBarbie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    Quote Originally Posted by WendiStarr View Post
    My mom is kind of like that. I'm not an only child though. I have 6 other siblings and my mom happens to hate me out of all us. She will air dirty laundry and rumors about me via Facebook statuses instead of contacting me directly about it. She likes to talk about how so and so's daughter is married, working as a nurse, has a nice house, nice car, to make me feel bad. When my daughter and I were homeless is when she was the worst and and the most evil, especially when she found out that I was working at a strip club and working as a webcam model. When I found an apartment to live at and a vanilla job(and secretly kept doing the webcamming on the side), she still treated me like I was garbage. She gets into these moods will she will be nice but her meanness is more often. If I don't respond to her texts or messages, she flips out on me. I've come to accept that my mom will never be happy with me, no matter what. Some people are just like that, I guess. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.
    omg Wendi this is so similar to my mom ugh shitty. My sister is her golden child & can do no wrong. She'll call me up if she hasn't heard anything from me for awhile & always brag about my sister & her kid or her new marriage to this guy with a very large lucrative business in their town then brag about going on trips. i just shrug like whatever but it still makes me feel shitty inside bc my mom was never my biggest fan, always my sister.
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    Yeah. It sucks when somebody treats you more like an accomplishment than a person. I have had to distance myself from my parents. For my folks, there's really no going back after you have set up a boundary, or failed them somehow. If yours are the same way, my advice is to just be prepared for that, and come to terms with what it means. If not, I have heard of other people that have set up clear boundaries with their parents, and it works.

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    Featured Member Violethollywood's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    Quote Originally Posted by WendiStarr View Post
    Wow, that's even worse than my parents/mom! I am sorry that you have parents like that. That's awful.
    i didn't mean to thread jack but yeah.... my dad hasn't even apologized for the several vmnails he left me this time last year calling me a bitch, whore stupid worthless cunt yadda yadda . he just keeps texting me like when do you wanna meet so i can give you your easter stuff like completely ignoring everything like nothing happened. my bf won't let him come to our house. he said if i invite him over he will beat the shit out of him bc no father should talk to their daughter like that and then just pretned like its all okay and not even apologize

    to the OP: I can see how overbearing parents would feel suffocating but believe it or not, having shitty parents feels the same way. Having shitty parents has caused me an insane amount of stress for the last 10 years even after shutting out one of parents i felt free and liberated but still having one shitty parent seemed better than not having any and now that ive started to shut my dad out i feel completely "orphaned" I think cutting your parents out might help but it might also cause you some more stress

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    God/dess seashell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Overbearing Parents

    Thanks, everyone, it's nice to hear all the different perspectives. <3

    I didn't get into it in this thread, but my dad struggles with addiction (alcoholism/gambling/drugs), so he's a huge negative force in my life, regardless of the overbearing stuff. I finally stopped talking to him because he euthanized my childhood cat without letting me know, and he's been harassing my mom about her new boyfriend. So he's out of the picture for the indefinite future (I felt guilty at first for not responding to him, but honestly it's so much better).

    Since unfollowing my mom on facebook/not being bombarded with her updates about me, it's been a lot easier to deal with her. She's an emotional mess, though, every time I see her in person. I managed to avoid her for almost 2 months. Last time I saw her, I realized I was just going to tell her whatever she wanted to hear, since she doesn't know much about my real life, anyway (doesn't know that I'm stripping/camming, thinks I'm doing Uber and substitute teaching). I love her, she has always been there for me, but interacting with her just takes a lot out of me. She's extremely depressed, going through a late mid-life crisis, and constantly seeks validation.

    The distance has really, really helped. I'm so sorry to hear what some of you have gone through... Hopefully we can all find peace with our families.

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