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Thread: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

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    Senior Member bunnydoll's Avatar
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    Duh mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    I started stripping 3 months ago, Im 20 and have aspbergers and mental illness. I started working at stringfellows last week but this week the ambulance got called twice to my student residence cos I went mental, the first time i attempted suicide, went to hospital, told them i was fine, came back then the next night I went back out stripping. But yestoday the ambulance got called again and I kept telling them I was fine, but they still took me to hospital, and I was supposed to be working that night. At the club I was at I was working 3 nights a week, going to uni 5 days a week, and going to mental health and drug appointments several times a week. So while I was sat there in hospital I realised that I was doing too much, my psychosis is allover the place making me believe all sorts of crazy shit, so I phoned up stringfellows and quit. (even though I lost out on being paid last nights money)

    But now that Ive done that I feel like Ive made a bad decision, I know that a lot of newbies quit within the first few months because they cant take it, but I did enjoy stripping, and even though Ive made a ton of mistakes while being new I dont think I was too bad at it, but now Ive quit I know everyone will think that I was just another newbie who thought it was easy money and couldnt handle it, and I feel like such a failure and a weak person for quitting.

    Im completley not in my right mind at the moment and struggling with drug addiction has made my mental illness a whole lot worse. But a lot of the time Im convincing myself Im fine and I can do anything, and if I cant then it must be laziness, while people in hospital have been saying "No your not fine your really unwell thats why you cant see how ill you are"

    I just feel like an utter failure and an idiot for quitting but I realise I cant do any sort of job at the moment in my current state. I probably will go back to stripping at some point, maybe at secrets and try again at stringfellows when Ive finished uni if theyll let me, becuase I really did enjoy it and I feel its something I coulld possibly do well at given time but right now I need to try and get clean, and more mentally stable. But god I feel so worthless for having time off because of my illness for god knows how long, and the possibility that I may never be well enough to go back

    (sorry if this didnt make much sense, Im still feeling pretty crap)

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    God/dess lynn2009's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Wtf hospital did you go to that released you just because you said you were fine?
    "There are different kinds of darkness. There is darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful. There is the darkness of lovers, and the darkness of assassins. It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be, needs it to be. It is not wholly bad or good."
    - The Court of Mist and Fury

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    Senior Member bunnydoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Quote Originally Posted by lynn2009 View Post
    Wtf hospital did you go to that released you just because you said you were fine?
    An English one

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    God/dess ScarletKitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Don't feel like a failure sweetie. Mental illness is a completely legitimate reason to take a break from work. I hope you can get proper treatment and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I completely empathize with you.

    If you didn't get paid last night's earnings, though, I would go back to the club only to collect your money. If you have to explain to them you need to take some time for personal reasons or whatever, just say that. But you need to get your money that you worked for. Don't let the club keep your money!

    Take care of yourself. *hugs*

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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Deleted.
    Last edited by lets_get_lost; 10-07-2019 at 01:29 PM.

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    Senior Member bunnydoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Tysm for the supportive messages! I've thought of going back to pick up my money but I barely have the energy to get out of bed, and I really don't want to go psycho in there. I think I'm going to try at secrets and see if they have a less vigorous schedule but I think I've become just another newbie failure

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    Featured Member rareaspasia's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Honey, I have been where you are. I'm bipolar and I get it. You are not alone. Don't be so hard on yourself. Would you think someone with diabetes was a failure if they had issues that sent them to the hospital? Mental illness is still a physical illness just like any other. And kudos to you for accepting that you have an addiction and wanting to get clean because that is a great major first step. Remember that you are not your illness and you are not your addiction and there's a future for you waiting once you are better. You can do it. I had alcohol problems and multiple suicide attempts and I'm so grateful to be alive and for fighting my way back to myself. If I can do it so can you. Believe in yourself.

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    Featured Member Ifyouseekamy's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    I'm 31 and I have asbergers as well. I'm not normal- some days I'm grateful for it and other days I'm so tired of pretending to be NT.

    Anyways, I've been dealing with shame myself. Shame for being a stripper, shame for having nothing to show. (Lol...nothing that's such black and white thinking.) Anyways, this girl made fun of me at work. She's not anyone I would look up to. I really struggle with my codependency. No one has to understand my recovery or understand me. It's my job to love myself and accept myself unconditionally. I do need to make other people my higher power because 99% of the time they don't have anything insightful to say. A general rule is to ignore anyone who brings you down. I try to remind myself if they aren't feeding me or fucking me their opinion doesn't matter. Someone who is healthy, safe isn't going to think any less of you. The girls who do think less of you- well it's better you can see their true colors now.

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    Senior Member bunnydoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Quote Originally Posted by Ifyouseekamy View Post
    I'm 31 and I have asbergers as well. I'm not normal- some days I'm grateful for it and other days I'm so tired of pretending to be NT.

    Anyways, I've been dealing with shame myself. Shame for being a stripper, shame for having nothing to show. (Lol...nothing that's such black and white thinking.) Anyways, this girl made fun of me at work. She's not anyone I would look up to. I really struggle with my codependency. No one has to understand my recovery or understand me. It's my job to love myself and accept myself unconditionally. I do need to make other people my higher power because 99% of the time they don't have anything insightful to say. A general rule is to ignore anyone who brings you down. I try to remind myself if they aren't feeding me or fucking me their opinion doesn't matter. Someone who is healthy, safe isn't going to think any less of you. The girls who do think less of you- well it's better you can see their true colors now.
    Yes I guess so, Idk my mental health has been also effecting me recently at work, I have been feeling physically exhausted on my last shift and got critisized by the other girls a fair bit, one because "I wasnt trying hard enough" ( I was fucking exhausted) and becuase I wasnt grinning my head off all the time, idk if thats an autism thing, but my face often lacks expression, I was told I would make no money looking like that. But I did but I cant really go and collect it

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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Quote Originally Posted by rareaspasia View Post
    Would you think someone with diabetes was a failure if they had issues that sent them to the hospital? Mental illness is still a physical illness just like any other.
    A thousand times, yes. It's the rest of the world that's stuck in the Dark Ages. Never feel shame for the ignorance of everyone else.

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    Senior Member bunnydoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Quote Originally Posted by R-209 View Post
    A thousand times, yes. It's the rest of the world that's stuck in the Dark Ages. Never feel shame for the ignorance of everyone else.
    Yes that's the problem, I'm worried that that other people particularly other strippers will view it as me being a failure, I've de used to have a break and try and recover and get off drugs then try at this other quite big newbie friendly club closer to where I live (secrets) and learn the stuff there then maybe try again af stringfellows when I've finished uni. I just need to find a club that's happy with part time workers, I can't work more than 2 days a week

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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    First of all, mental illness is more common than you think..YOU were just brave enough to own up to it.

    Secondly, have you tried web camming?

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    Featured Member Ifyouseekamy's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Quote Originally Posted by bunnydoll View Post
    Yes that's the problem, I'm worried that that other people particularly other strippers will view it as me being a failure, I've de used to have a break and try and recover and get off drugs then try at this other quite big newbie friendly club closer to where I live (secrets) and learn the stuff there then maybe try again af stringfellows when I've finished uni. I just need to find a club that's happy with part time workers, I can't work more than 2 days a week

    Unless someone is feeding me or fucking me their opinion doesn't matter. Who cares what your coworkers think? Why are they even relevant? Seriously, fellow aspie, don't internalize anything from the club because most of it's bullist. I wouldn't take anything said in the club seriously. Take a mental shower before you go home and rinse it down the drain.
    Last edited by Ifyouseekamy; 03-27-2017 at 01:20 AM.

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    God/dess chanzep's Avatar
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    Default Re: mental breakdown so having to stop...feel like a failure

    Call StringFellows and tell them you are sick and will be coming in a few weeks time to get your money, they do everything legit with payslips and stuff so they will hold your money until your ready. Meanwhile just take some time to feel better and go back to dancing when you feel like it.
    xoxo

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