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Thread: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

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    Default Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    ***Update on the second page!!!****

    My fiancé and I have a baby on the way and after after really bad argument, he told his parents about me camming (which I was in the transition of leaving and haven't done in months) and he told them about the hard drugs we did together (before baby was conceived). I don't know if pregnant hormones are causing me to overreact, but I feel like I can't face his parents and if I stay with him, that's impossible. He's apologized profusely, but I told him he shouldn't have done that. There are still things I haven't even told my parents about my exes, that my exes confided in me about.

    ****Update on the second page!!!****
    Last edited by Dulce; 09-18-2018 at 06:13 AM. Reason: Update

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    I find it sad that often time people who are close to us are the ones that do the outing so I can't help but feel they must not approve of what do we.

    Normally I would say dump his ass because a person who would betray you by exposing would betray you any other way if they had the opportunity but this is a tough situation because not only is he your fiance but you also have a baby on the way.

    I'm sorry it happened because it was NOT his place to tell.
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    How can you stay with a man you can't ever trust? He went way over the line there. It's hard with a baby but if you can find a way to leave now it will be easier than if you wait.


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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dulce View Post
    My fiancé and I have a baby on the way and after after really bad argument, he told his parents about me camming (which I was in the transition of leaving and haven't done in months) and he told them about the hard drugs we did together (before baby was conceived). I don't know if pregnant hormones are causing me to overreact, but I feel like I can't face his parents and if I stay with him, that's impossible. He's apologized profusely, but I told him he shouldn't have done that. There are still things I haven't even told my parents about my exes, that my exes confided in me about.
    I can understand why you are upset you feel as though you've been betrayed. However going off of what you've said here this is not about just one person. This concerns the both of you and there is a baby on the way. Also you said that there's been some issues with drugs. That doesn't just go away especially if you haven't taken the steps. Is it possible that the reason he told his family about what you do is because it's his family and they care about him. And that includes who he shares his life with? Sounds like he may be reaching out for help because he's freaking out due to all these life changes. Going through a recovery, a new baby and a possibly a rocky relationship is enough to send a person to the breaking point. What's his family like? Who knows maybe he did it out of malicious intent? Maybe hejust needed to come clean. He didn't tell YOUR family but his own. I think that makes all the difference. Is he still your fiance? You last sentence makes this unclear.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    I would be pretty upset if my boyfriend outed me to his family. I was watching an episode of Survivor a couple of weeks ago where a guy outed another guy who confided in him that he was transgender to the rest of their tribe (and to all of America), and the tribe got really upset, saying you should never out someone else as being gay/transgender. It is up to the individual to out themselves (or not). I think the same rule applies to camming. If someone knows something about you that you wouldn't be comfortable with other people knowing, they should take that secret to the grave because it isn't their place. It's really complicated because you have a baby on the way, but I would have a really hard time trusting this guy after that, and I don't know if your relationship will ever be the same.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dulce View Post
    My fiancé and I have a baby on the way and after after really bad argument, he told his parents about me camming (which I was in the transition of leaving and haven't done in months) and he told them about the hard drugs we did together (before baby was conceived). I don't know if pregnant hormones are causing me to overreact, but I feel like I can't face his parents and if I stay with him, that's impossible. He's apologized profusely, but I told him he shouldn't have done that. There are still things I haven't even told my parents about my exes, that my exes confided in me about.
    You guys had a bad argument and he outted you to his parents. So what happens the next time you guys have a bad argument? Is he going to out you to friends, your parents, social media? When the baby gets older and you guys get into an argument is he going tell your child about you camming, drugs, etc?

    To me this is a red flag. Its not even what he said imo its his actions. Like ytf would he do that? Like if he's capable of doing that just because you guys had a major disagreement what else would he do or say if he got mad or you guys disagreed again? People always use being drunk or being angry as an excuse for their actions but I always feel like there's a little bit of truth to what people do or say when they're under the influence of alcohol or emotion. I pay alot of attention to how people react especially in the heat of the moment. If he does something like this again or has done something similar in the past I would think hard about your relationship and the future of it.


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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Why be with someone who doesn't respect what you do or what you did in the past?

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Sounds like he is looking for a way out of the relationship. For some reason, he feels the need to get some kind of validation for his confession. It would take deep forgiving on your part to get past this. I guess what you would need to do is sit down and weigh the consequences of his actions and see if you can live out the rest of your life without him while you are with child, and raising her/him. Would he be a good father? Are there other traits that make him exceptional? Remember, you are marrying him, not his family and in the end it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of your life.

    Families always have tension. Everyone has deep, dirty secrets. Regardless of the decision you make, going forward, you decide how you want your life to go.
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    i wouldnt give two fucks. my ex told his mom i was a nude model ( she was disgusted and thought i was immoral but she was also a fat piece of shit cult activist so fuck that bitch ) Obviously we're not together anymore but i mean who gives two fucks ... if someone confronts you about you camming and gets upset about it i'd just like shut your mouth you dont know what youre talking about, if you're going to bitch about my life choices then you can pay my fucking bills. end of story otherwise shut your mouth and keep your judgmental opinions to yourself

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Cutting ties will probably be better long term. If you stay, you will forever live in fear of the next time... and trust me, there will be a next time. Not a matter of if, but when. Being a single parent will suck, but you've made your bed by choosing to have a child with this monster and now you have to plan for your future. I had an ex try to blackmail me with outting to keep me from leaving him years ago and stayed with him much longer than I should've because of it. Ended up hiring a lawyer and having to threaten to sue him in order to get away. It was a nightmare and if I had it to do over, I would've run the second I knew I couldn't trust him.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    I see it like this : the reason he told them was just to hurt you. This is a problem. His parents knowing should not bother you. The whole world knowing should not bother you. It is bothers you profoundly, then this should not be your job. ( just to save yourself from future pain)

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    No way. He did it to hurt you in the worst way he thought he could. To his own parents. Plus the drugs. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! No amount of profuse apologizing will fix this. You will forever not be able to trust him. What happens if down the road he wants to be with someone else and wants to take your child? What if you need to keep camming because things don't work out for you and it's an ok fallback for you and he tells CPS?
    What if down the road things get weird and he's got other stuff on you at that point? You're supposed to be able to have those secrets with someone. But he's already broken that.
    I agree with Hyori and Blovely. Read and reread this post.
    But short answer is no, I couldn't stay with that.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    I feel like the majority of people here are overreacting. Asking any question of this manner usually results in people saying "dump him!" but there isn't a one-size-fits-all. Trust can always be rebuilt, if both parties are willing to work for it.

    There are not enough details to your post to offer a calculated suggestion. We don't know the kind of mental state he was in after the fight, or the reasons why he told his parents. It may not have been malicious at all. Maybe he knows his parents are the open-minded type, and he needed a confidante. There are so many details missing, and the decision you make to leave your fiance and baby father is a huge life-altering one. I don't think it's appropriate for strangers on the net, who have no grasp of your day to day life, to make this decision for you. I think perhaps marital counselling is a good start.

    Best of luck to you. I've been outed by an ex to my own parents and it can suck, but sometimes people surprise you. Neither of my parents gave a shit, and actually just thought worse of my ex. They could read the crazy on him.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    That must have been a really big row! I don't think he did it to hurt you though, he would have told your family and friends if that was the case. In telling his family, I think he was looking for their support in his decision to leave. He may well have changed his mind now about leaving but that damage has now been done. I expect he would have had a lot of criticism from them if he left you because of the argument, considering that you are pregnant, so telling them would have been a way to get them on side.

    I would ask him if he told them because he was thinking of leaving and look to resolve any issues. I think he only outed you because of that and isn't likely to keep doing it.
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    It sucks to have info put out there that you wanted to keep private, but people slip up and it happens, I have def told my family details that maybe an ex didn't want repeating but they're family and this is what so many people do whether they'll admit it or not.

    Pretty sure if you've been with this person a while and chosen to have a child with them you can work through it all.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    You want(ed) to get married. Go through everything, in good and bad times. You want(ed) to be together - forever, be good parents for your child. This is just a first, very small test. There are bigger things to come and you were about to vow that you were ready to take everything on, together. For yourselves and for your family.

    This is nothing, compared to which challenges (could) await you. I won't say do this or that, just think about that you were going to tackle live together, make new live, face decisions much bigger than you or your relationship and now you are stuck at this relatively harmless issue.

    I don't think it's easy to get over it, but if you can't, your whole marriage and baby plan would never have worked out to begin with. Your radar tells you that you might be overreacting. Your gut feeling might be spot on. Making a general cut often seems easier than working things out because it presents itself as a clear solution to the problem, but it's not. It's more like avoiding the problem. But you are pregnant. You can't avoid life.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Nope, don't do it. My husband did it, then apologized, then did it a few times more, or he'd threaten me with it. He told his parents after a fight, then later messaged several members of my family on social media.

    Any man who threatens your safety, tells your business in the streets, and threatens the relationships that you hold together ( in laws, your rents) doesn't deserve you and he will hold it over you, again.

    I left my ex 3+ years ago. The last time I accepted him back (last summer) he tried threatening to out me yet again when I decided he hadn't grown up at all and it really wasn't going to work, even with time.

    Do not waste anymore time on little boys who get off on emotional abuse. It aint right, especially if you both agreed on it, he helped spend your money, and then enjoyed allll the benefits. He can still be a father without you being under his manipulation. Hes already tainted them against you if they're judgemental. You're now the pregnant fiance that does sex work and they will probably hold that against you forever. You are now connected to them with this child, forever.
    Last edited by kortneykay; 04-27-2017 at 12:48 PM.




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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mare View Post
    No way. He did it to hurt you in the worst way he thought he could. To his own parents. Plus the drugs. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! No amount of profuse apologizing will fix this. You will forever not be able to trust him. What happens if down the road he wants to be with someone else and wants to take your child? What if you need to keep camming because things don't work out for you and it's an ok fallback for you and he tells CPS?
    What if down the road things get weird and he's got other stuff on you at that point? You're supposed to be able to have those secrets with someone. But he's already broken that.
    I agree with Hyori and Blovely. Read and reread this post.
    But short answer is no, I couldn't stay with that.
    I was thinking that as well but didn't want to bring it up. I was more so thinking what if worse comes to worse and he decides that he wants full custody of the child. He's already tried to use camming and drugs to paint OP in bad light with his parent. I've read a few horror stories about camgirls and pornstars having to go to court and fight until they couldn't fight anymore to keep their child because their ex decided to be a shithead. The worse part was that they tried to use camming/the women's livelihood to paint them as a horrible and irresponsible mother. I'm not trying wish bad on you or your relationship OP, I'm probably 100% reaching I just fear that at some point his parents may get in his ear and tell him that you maybe a bad influence on him and aren't fit to raise their grandchild and may egg him into going to court or he may get that idea on his own.
    Last edited by Blovely; 04-27-2017 at 12:57 PM. Reason: correction

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    This is definitely a complicated situation, and I don't know what you should do. Here are a few things that I think you might want to consider.


    Best case scenario, he did what he did because he needed to vent. Personally, I find it a little odd that a grown man would vent to his parents about his gf, but I'm not that close with my parents, so maybe I just don't get it. More importantly, though, it's a little telling that one of the things he needed to vent about was your history as a cam model. At an absolute minimum, that tells me that it's something that makes him uncomfortable, and that he may see it as one of your downsides. If that's his feeling toward your history, he may or may not come to see it in a less negative light over time. But you should be aware that even if he says he's cool with your camming past, he's clearly not. You should try to assess whether that's something that will fade, or if it will only grow to be a bigger thorn in his side. A few years down the road, will every fight end with him screaming "Well at least I was never a WHORE!"?

    Something else that immediately occurred to me is that this reminds me a lot of revenge porn (when guys put their ex's nudes or sex videos online without permission). Obviously you already put yourself online, so the next worst thing he could do was bring it to the attention of the people in your life. While revenge porn sometimes gets brushed off as boys being boys, it comes from a place of deep-seated misogyny. Men who do it knowingly and purposefully subject the woman to shame; the ridicule of her friends, family, and acquaintances; potential detriment to her career; and stalkers. That's especially true of the guys who post revenge porn along with the woman's contact info - they are literally inviting countless trolls to stalk and harass her. I don't know if your guy did it out of that same sense of revenge, spite, and slut shaming, but if you think he might have, I'd consider that a serious problem and good reason to consider ending the relationship. Being spiteful and seeking revenge is a seriously bad quality in a partner, but when you throw in misogyny, that's so much worse.

    Another thought about what he did is that, regardless of his motives, he probably did it knowing that it was something that could never be taken back no matter how bad he felt about it later. Really, anything you say out loud can't be taken back, but even if you said the worst possible thing you could think of, if it happened in the privacy of your own home, you can apologize and forgive later. If you got pissed and screamed, "I don't even know if the baby is yours," you could still apologize and reassure him that you only said it to hurt him. It's not a good thing to do, and maybe he'd always have doubts, but that's for you to solve between the two of you. What he did is more permanent, and now that it's out there, he can't take it back no matter what. Did he tell his parents realizing that he was basically using the nuclear option? If so, what does that say about how he fights and how dirty he's willing to get? Or did he do it without thinking about the permanence of what he was doing? If that's the case, what does that say about his judgement and ability to understand the consequences of his actions?


    All of this is just stuff to consider alongside the wisdom of the other posts here. Be real with yourself and do some soul searching. I'm sure you have some gut feelings about why he did what he did, and you probably also have some honest thoughts about whether he and you can mature and overcome this type of behavior. Hopefully you don't feel that you have to stay with him because there are no other options with the baby on the way - there are always options, and a toxic relationship could hurt every aspect of your life and the baby's. On the other hand, I hope that you wouldn't throw away a relationship with solid potential if he simply did something misguided that currently feels like the end of the world. Good luck, and please keep us updated!
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    If he exposed you once, especially on a sensitive subject, what else would he do (betrayal of trust - wise)?

    Get it in writing how he's going to help you raise yalls kid then be ready to take whatever actions will make you and the kid happy.
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Thank you all so much for the replies. I've had a night to sleep on things and I'm not as upset, but it's been on my mind all day. On one hand, I believe that I shouldn't worry about what his parents think about my career, and the past drug use, and only care about my own character and how I am as a person and mother, however I also worry that his family will see me unfit and one day they will urge him to use it against me. I also think that if I leave now, he will for sure use it against me. I love him, but I think a big part of me is staying for the wrong reasons which are: me being afraid to be a single mom to now 3 children and me afraid of how nasty this custody battle will be (btw, he's told me he knows he can get 50/50. I think that's BS. Anybody know?). To those of you who mentioned it, he tells me he told them bc he was afraid he was losing everything, was breaking down and just wanted everything out there. Yet, the day he did it, he told me that I was now exposed and that everybody knows I didn't bring shit to the table which really hurt. Despite his good job, he has financial issues and I often bought our drugs with my camming money and often gave him my debit card when he was out of town, to make sure he had food. On top of me paying my $850/mo rent on my own, taking care of my kids with no child support and receiving no government assistance. He on the other hand doesn't even have his own place. He had so many issues with me camming (and I was tired of it too and had went way past my deadline for when I wanted to be done) that I ended up quiting and am now in the process of moving into a home with him and letting him show me how much he can bring to the table, since he said I couldn't bring anything. I'm relying on him right now but I'm looking out for my future, and making plans to go back to school and starting a business with what little money I have left over, because right now, he's really broken my trust and I don't feel I can trust what he might do in the future.

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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Thanks for sharing that Dulce. Have you sought couples counselling to see where the issues lie between you and if they can be resolved? It sounds like his reason for telling his family was control based...a partner isn't meant to get one up on us or to pull us down. Sometimes we may need to rely on a partner but it's not a power game. I'm a big believer in there needing to be a friendship between a couple as well as being lovers, that there is kindness, caring and a genuine concern for each other, that you simply like each other as people. It is very easy to stay with someone because of fearing the consequences of leaving, I hope it all works out for you and your children. <big hugs>
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    Couples counselling or even individual counselling for both might not be a bad idea.

    Sometimes people give up the drugs but don't have better social ways and still keep other unhealthy behavior. The way he's acting is still unhealthy. I'm not saying it's on purpose, maybe it is, maybe it isn't; but a third neutral party could guide towards more healthy ways.
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    #powerful
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    Default Re: Could you stay with a man who exposed you?

    I've been in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship before, and I left after realising life is far too short to stay with someone who has betrayed your trust and made you feel as if you have been run into the ground. This was with my daughters father. I left. No way am I going to spend my life constantly worried about the next time my trust is going to be betrayed, or feeling like absolute shit when he might have emotionally manipulated me. Hell no.

    There are some things that you just don't do when you are a decent person. When you respect the people you are friends with or in a relationship with, you don't deliberately hurt someone with something that could ruin them for whatever reason. You don't go around spilling life altering secrets just because your ego is hurt. I'd rather be single than have to put up with that. Especially from someone that is supposed to love you. There's really no excuse. There are billions of people on this earth, there's someone out there who is gonna respect you and not abuse you. I'd get out while you can, and fill your life with happiness and love for you and your baby!

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