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Thread: Leaving Friend Behind

  1. #1
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    Default Leaving Friend Behind

    So I have this friend, but I kind of feel like he's using me to talk to and easily socialize with. I don't feel like my advice has any value to him. He has a sick bird and I've given him advice, but he doesn't do anything until the vet says something. They he goes around seeing vets that I told him were bad, but apparently he had to learn for himself. He is in his 50's or 60's and doesn't have a job. He get's 10k/ year from SSD, has his electricity paid for by the state, gets food stamps, and has Medicaid. I don't mind all that so long as he's actively trying to get off of it. He abuses systems like a mother fucker and this pisses me off. It makes everything more expensive for the people who actually pay. He'll order a book on Amazon and scour it for problems, so he can complain and get it for free because it's not worth it for the business to exhange it. He wanted new orthodics, but Medicaid doesn't cover them, so he got Blue Cross Blue Shield for a month, got the orthodics, then cancelled it. He has depression and anxiety which is how he has SSD. Last year he pretty much got it under control. He started taking classes from Tai Lopez, but he's dumb about it. He isn't learning anything useful. I've learned everything he has and more from this forum. I'll give him suggestions and he'll say they are good, but won't do anything about it until someone else suggests it. He feels that Tai Lopez is his good friend. It would be one thing if he did all this and at least tried something, but he didn't. After all that he said that social media marketing isn't for him and that he's going to start flipping houses. Maybe I just missed how dumb he is before, but apparently he's a moron.

    So anyhow I'm tired of this bs. I've finally had enough. Now I see exactly why people can only stay in his life for a couple of years. He lives in his own little world where he says he's left politically and cares about everyone, but he really only cares about himself. And our friendship was there for me to listen to him like a therapist except for free. I'm tired of it. The question is should I ignore his calls from now on (he will keep doing the same thing for sure this way) or should I send him an email to try to get him to change (he might become a better person this way, but I also might waste more time on him).

    I've already written part of the email I want to send him, so I'll attach that in a few.

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  3. #2
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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    This is the incomplete email:

    I'm bothered by our last meeting. Both by your body language and what you said. See the thing is you contradicted yourself in some ways. When you were talking about social security and stuff instead of answering my question and then moving on you went on a tangent and became agitated. I do not think that you've accepted this as your lot in life and it still bothers you. Which is fine because now that you're doing better I don't think that this is your lot in life.

    Also I think that you are a dumb ass. Tai Lopez is not your friend, but he is an extraordinary businessman. Look at how much he's gotten you to spend when you don't have much to spend. Consider how many people pay full price and you can really see that he's making good money. The thing is that he is talking about practical business stuff and he's directing people towards "get rich quick" type schemes that are in markets that are already flooded. Now the other problem is for all your time and money invested you don't actually have anything to show for it. You have thoughts, but you aren't using those thoughts. You have not done social media marketing, you have not applied the knowledge towards another field, and you have not made any money. Right now you are operating at a net loss.

    Ultimately you are trying to learn the wrong thing. It isn't that you are lacking in knowledge, it seems like you are lacking in commitment and discipline. You need to go out there anre do something, not just learn about it.

    Perhaps what you really need to try doing is something that allows you to just learn. You have your degrees under your belt. Try working for a university or even a community college. One of the best ways to learn is to teach. Teach some simple classes, then learn other things on your own and use them for your classes, so they are actually work expenses and might be partially covered or tax deductible. Even if you work as an assistant professor you'll be making good money. It doesn't even need to cut into your time.

    Referring back to the first paragraph, you seem agitated about taking from the government. I think it's because it goes against your values. Your values involve giving back to build society up and make society great and overall have good positive values. In your current situation you are not doing that. You get government money and aren't putting in, your volunteer opportunites are not panning out, etc.

    Teaching the future could be your way to give back. We talk about how college doesn't teach you the practical stuff. Well you know that and you know a lot of practical stuff, so you can do better than the professors before us. You get to continue learning, but your learning is building up and improving society as a whole.

    So in short you won't be tied down with a 9-5 job. You can give back to future generations and improve the schooling kids are getting. You will be making enough to make it worth while to get off SS and such. Furthermore you'll be making enough over what you currently get to make travel possible. You will have summers off to travel.

    I suspect that you are going to come back to me and either be excited then chicken out or say no no no and not even consider this. It is a pretty decent option from my point of view though and perhaps your anxiety and wish to not have your life and current routine and freedom disturbed clouds your point of view and judgement on this.

    Honestly I'm dissapointed that you didn't even try the social media marketing thing. You were excited and put a lot of time and energy into it, then you just let it go. If you are the type who's not going anywhere and won't even try anything and just talks you just aren't worth my time. I'm beginning to suspect that this is part of why people seem to often come into and out of your life regularly.

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    Featured Member seashell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    It sounds like a one-sided relationship, where you're giving a lot and he just keeps on taking. He does not sound like a positive influence in your life. I think you'd be better off letting this one go... the email is really nice, but from the way you described his listening and reflective abilities, I don't think he's going to get anything out of it. You're better off just cutting off contact.

    If someone is able to take advantage of government welfare and businesses (getting items for free), and delusionally thinks Tai Lopez is their friend (lol), I would have to wonder what kind of mental state they are in. On the one hand, they're acting like a parasite, but on the other, they seem mentally incompetent. Either way, not someone I'd want in my life.

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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    Also cold turkey may not work. He's called me 7 times in the past 2 weeks and in the last message he said he has hubby's number and will check in with him next because he's worried and I usually respond more frequently. That was a message from today.

    You're probably right.he probably is delusional. Just in this world enough that he seems sane most of the time.

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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    I have some family members like your friend who abuse the system to get food stamps,medical insurance, disability checks/and what not and they are liars and hypochondriacs. They faked their illness's just to draw from the government. It also pisses me off because I dont think its right I thought about reporting it. I just don't want it to come back and bite me in the ass also but MOST likely I will eventually get around to report it.

    If he has degrees he should put them to use instead of nitpicking at other things and doing them or reading about them then change options faster than just talking about what he was currently interested in.
    He seems to only care for himself though from what you mentioned about his character probably another reason why he decided to get benefits thinking hes going to get by with doing so. So he doesnt have to spend much on things.
    Tho he probably sits there wishing he had more money leading back to the Tai Lopez thing you mentioned.
    HE sets goals then drops them but DEEP down he probably doesnt want to lose his benefits. And he actually has to spend his time at a workplace 9-5. He also seems Lazy which brings back to him changing his mind on things then he is possibly terrified of the REAL world. Spending money on Groceries, medical, pet stuff, bills, and etc.

    I dont think he will actually Listen to you and take your advice then again maybe he might. I'd talk to your husband and ask his opinion about your friend since he probably called him recently to check in on you.
    but sooner or later I'd probably tell him how you feel I know you want to be supported and probably feel your advice doesnt matter which hurts alot especially if a friend asks for it.

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  10. #6
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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    Well not trying to excuse his negative behaviors (and I don't know the dude as well as you) but he is a senior citizen at that age and it's common for them to retire and use social security benefits. They pay into that during their working years so technically they're entitled to that.

    He is also has mental illness which if untreated or not properly treated can cause decreased motivation, lack of focus, and decreased confidence = all necessary for finding and keeping good satisfying careers.

    He could be faking the whole thing like you suspect but what if he is not? I don't know people who game the system but I'm sure they're really out there in a small percentage of the population receiving gov benefits.

    Only thing you can do is make sure you're in a good spot financially so you don't have to stoop to the level of those who game the system and be confident that we have system that catches/prevents fraud.

    I personally wouldn't give him unsolicited advice. Only if he asks - or if he's harming himself or others - should you give your honest opinion

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    Are you looking at this as a charity case.....see if you can help someone, or are you looking at it as a friendship?

    Both parties should get something out of a friendship, no point to it if your not. You don't seem to be getting anything out of it....actually, the opposite, its frustrating you.
    And he doesn't seem to want your help, he just wants to unload on you.....he wants you to be a complaint soundboard.

    Either way, it seems it would be best for you to just slowly extricate yourself from this relationship...don't let him guilt you or threaten you(calling your husband) into seeing him or having him drag you into a conversation you don't want to have.

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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    I'm beginning to think that his mental illness isn't depression, but something that leaves him out of touch with reality.

    I guess it was more of a charity case. I wanted to support and help him and watch him improve himself and succeed. That apparently isn't how he works though.

    Here's the rest of the email:

    "Honestly I'm dissapointed that you didn't even try the social media marketing thing. You were excited and put a lot of time and energy into it, then you just let it go. If you are the type who's not going anywhere and won't even try anything and just talks you just aren't worth my time. I'm beginning to suspect that this is part of why people seem to often come into and out of your life regularly. If your friends spend a lot of time talking to you and thinking about different ideas to help you succeed, then you don't do anything with them, in the end they have just wasted their time. At least that's how I feel.

    The only other thing we really talk about is the birds and I don't think you respect me in that as much as you think you do. I'm not even sure you care about them as much as you think you do. If the best treatment option is an oral medicine, you put your bird in the cage and practice catching her to give her her medicine. You seem so focused on what is both easy and less stressful for both you and the bird that you don't prioritize what's best for the bird. You also seem to be wishy washy on treatments in general. There's always something new to try to the exclusion of finishing off treatments of other medicines. I'm honestly surprised that you haven't lost Smoochy (she's the one breathing badly right?) because once a bird shows signs of being sick it usually goes downhill fast. You dilly dallied and didn't try anything on her for months initially. I was just waiting for the phone call saying that she died. You are very lucky that whatever is wrong with her didn't kill her while you were debating if it was bad enough to do something. I don't even care if you tried things without going to the vet. You don't just sit there, you do something.

    I guess all and all what your looking for is a buddy who will listen to your troubles and dreams and I don't want to be that person. If you push through your anxiety and depression and do something like get your first customer or find a job that will allow you to fullfill your dreams, but you enjoy, then give me a call. Heck hopefully that will act as motivation for you to make your dreams a reality.

    In the meantime if seems like you aren't giving much back. If you check out TalkToMe there are plenty of girls that charge very little and you would stand out and strike them as interesting if you came on wanting to talk about life (not uncommon actually). If you don't want to go that route I just found this website with a free chat line. http://samaritansnyc.org/calling-the-hotline/ That's probably more of what you're looking for.

    As for me I am fine. I'm pregnant again and reevaluating how I want to spend my time, especially since I've been keeping myself busy with pet sitting.

    Anyhow I wish you the best and hope that one day you are really happy with you you are, where you are, and where you are going. You honestly don't seem there now."

    Here is his response. I think either he didn't read my email or didn't understand what I said. Either way I wish him well and don't want to waste any more time trying to help him when I have friendships that could use more attention.

    "Wow! I am flattered that you took the time to write such a long and thoughtful letter. Though I had urged you to stay in school and finish your degree, did I make it a condition of our friendship? How shallow would my regard for you be if I had? It seems like you are doing something similar here with me, and I don't get it. It is hurtful. I really enjoyed the time we spent together the last time we met. Sharing an outing to the museum and some good food with you was fun. I think you enjoyed it as well. I can totally understand if you don't want to hang out with me anymore because you are now married. That is totally justifiable. Maybe your husband is uncomfortable with our friendship. That is fine -- I get it. If that is not what truly underlies your feelings toward me at the moment, I ask that you reconsider keeping me on as a friend. I have come to regard you as one of the best friends I have had in recent years, and I will otherwise miss you very much."

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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    Seems like he is jealous that you are married now and maybe thought you to would eventually be together. Since he mentioned he thinks your husband is uncomfortable with your friendship with him. Other than what you have told him he seems that what you had to say didn't phase him. Seems alittle cocky and thinks his world isn't crumbling.

    I don't really know the guy probably had sexual feelings for you or some desire and jealousy.

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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    Quote Originally Posted by lildevil_kittie View Post
    Seems like he is jealous that you are married now and maybe thought you to would eventually be together. Since he mentioned he thinks your husband is uncomfortable with your friendship with him. Other than what you have told him he seems that what you had to say didn't phase him. Seems alittle cocky and thinks his world isn't crumbling.

    I don't really know the guy probably had sexual feelings for you or some desire and jealousy.
    Yeah I think you're right. Well best to nip that I'm the butt.

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    Default Re: Leaving Friend Behind

    Perhaps he is slightly delusional. Taking pills that alter your brain chemicals is no joke. Or maybe that's just who he is.

    Sad thing is there are just some people who can't be helped (at least not the way you want to help them). There are many people who say they want help but really they just want something else - someone to pay attention to them, someone to talk to, someone to listen and cosign their shit, etc.

    At least you've been honest with him and gave him specific examples of how he is further ruining his life. Maybe that's all you can do for now.

    Good thing you consider referring him to professionals who can help him. This way you won't feel like an unpaid unappreciated therapist and he will know if he wants attention or to actually get help he needs to respect other people's time and pay for it. He can get therapy for only a few bucks at any local university or community health center so cost shouldn't be an issue.

    Sounds like you're a good friend but be careful entrenching into the therapist, caregiver role because you will become burned out and may ruin your friendship.

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