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Thread: Possessive friend

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    Default Possessive friend

    I have this friend, who is, in my opinion, very possessive. We've been friends since high school, that means for 12 years. In high school, she had another friend with whom she was hanging out 24/ 7. They were basically neighbours, visiting each other 5 times a day, etc. I was already her friend at that point, but I'm living 50 km away from her place and mostly, I was the one who initiated contact at that point. She considered this other friend "her best friend" back then.

    A couple of years later, this other friend got a job in another country and moved away. She also got a boyfriend and they barely kept any contact. They were not close anymore so she started telling me, that I'm her best friend now and so on. I'm not very sociable person and I tell her a lot of my private stuff (not everything though, I didn't tell her about camming for example), that I don't tell my other acquaintances, because I don't really see them as friends. So I can also consider her as best friend.

    The problem is, that she wants to hang out with me a lot more than I'm willing to, at least at certain times. She wants us to see each other at least once every 2 weeks (+ hours long calls+ msg in the meantime), which was fine until now because I was only camming, but now I might get a job in my field for 8 hours a day (and I want to keep camming part time), so I told her, that we may have to cut down our meetings to once per month and 1 longer call per week. That got her very offended, she said that I will still have plenty of time on weekends and that I should take time, because friends are the most important thing in the world.

    This got me angry as I remembered that the same problem appeared 2 years ago, when I had been sick for 3 months with an unknown illness, I was having fever of 103 degrees, nausea, vomiting, sore throat. I was also in the hospital because of dehydration. She was offended because I didn't call her for 3 weeks (I was barely alive) and couldn't visit her so she was sooo bored at home. Also she said that she knows that I wasn't that ill. WTF??

    What got me mad even more, was that she told a male acquaintance of ours (who was asking about me) that I'm not interested in a serious relationship. I'm not bothered by the fact that she told it to this particular guy, because I'm not interested in him in any way, but just the fact that she said this, without consulting with me first. I never said to her that I don't want a serious relationship! When I asked her about this, she said that it was because I sometimes say that I don't have time to meet her, which means that I don't have time to go on dates either.

    In reality, I told her, that I understand love relationship is a priority to people (when you have one), but that I personally don't plan on cutting contact with her in that case. But that maybe you see friends a bit less, specially if you get children or move to another city. She said that I should always put friends first.

    At this point I have to tell that I never got offended by similar actions on her side. She has a 8-yro child and when he was a baby, she didn't call me for months. Same happened when she got a new bf or a job (she only had a job for 2 months). I never pressured her in any way.

    Now she has been unemployed for 3- 4 years, she doesn't have a serious boyfriend for even longer and she lives with her mother, who pays for food and all the bills and who does most of house work. She told me herself that she doesn't want to work, unless it's something very easy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous that she doesn't have to do anything, that's great for her. But only until she doesn't start complaining how bored she is and how it's my fault that I don't keep her company.

    When she said how bored she is, I proposed to her that we start a business together (mine+ her profession), go to dancing class, go out partying and meeting new people.... She said that's too demanding and time consuming, that she can't because of her child. But she can sit somewhere outside for hours (without child) and complain, how she doesn't have any money (she spends all her child support on her clothes and make-up) and how she doesn't have time, while everyone else has tons of time and money, just that they aren't prepared to invest anything in friendships. She likes to mention how karma is a bitch and that everyone who treats her bad gets universe's revenge. (implying on me, too)

    She also has a good side, knows how to keep private things I told her for herself, she's also ok if I need some friend chat, but only if I have something to tell her, which is not possible if we talk too often and there is nothing new to talk about and we need to force conversation somehow.

    I tried to explain to her, that everyone needs some alone time, some break, specially at some point in their lives, like when she did when she had a child or new bf. But she denied everything and said that she never diminished contact with me.

    Any idea on how to keep contact with her, but lower the frequency a bit? I like to go to the beach, or walking, or drink some coffee together... but not like this is my obligation (and getting a long offended message every time that I can't) and her constant complaining isn't making it fun either. This whole thing became kinda stressful for me and I don't know what to do.

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  3. #2
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Possessive friend

    Well, she sounds controlling, abusive & passive/agressive, also spoiled!
    Why do you want to be friends w her @ all?
    Sorry, that s rude, but to me she doesn't sound like a good friend.
    Anyway to answer your ?, best way (to me) is to lay it on the line.
    However, that's probably not going to fly w her.
    I suggest looking in this section for my Toxic People thread n go from there.
    Good luck, take care


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    God/dess chanzep's Avatar
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    Default Re: Possessive friend

    she sounds too much, if she was a true friend she would be happy for anytime you spend with her esp if your making actual time for her when so busy. I could not deal with someone like that.
    xoxo

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    Default Re: Possessive friend

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    Well, she sounds controlling, abusive & passive/agressive, also spoiled!
    Why do you want to be friends w her @ all?
    Sorry, that s rude, but to me she doesn't sound like a good friend.
    Anyway to answer your ?, best way (to me) is to lay it on the line.
    However, that's probably not going to fly w her.
    I suggest looking in this section for my Toxic People thread n go from there.
    Good luck, take care
    It's because this whole thing happened gradually, we were getting along much better when she had other friend, we were going out partying and chat about boys...it was like normal high school friendship. Later she got bf and had a baby, she wasn't nearly as annoying as she is now. Sometimes she didn't reply to my text messages for a month or more...and I didn't get offended, I understand that people have lives! In the last couple of years, things really went downhill...

    I don't care if she is unemployed and so on, until she doesn't start saying rude things about people who actually earn their own money. Or about people who want to spend time with their boyfriends/ girlfriends. That's mostly the stuff that she talks about now. And acting like it's my job to entertain her. Unfortunately I don't think she's planning to make any change in her life and start doing something productive to keep her busy.

    I will read, thank you.

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    Senior Member lildevil_kittie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Possessive friend

    I'd run from that friendship she sounds tooo demanding with your time. Her excuse friends come first.. SHe has a kid technically her child should come first.. Her logic of thinking is crazy.
    Id be pissed if a friend of mine got involved in a love-interest and told him I had no time for him. Regardless if you weren't interest or not that was NOT her place.
    She's too demanding and you have a life and she seems way tooo smothering and clingy.

    Tell her to get a job if shes lonely and meet new people, Go to the park with her kid meet new people. YES I'm hinting at brushing her off and making her get off her ass and meet new people.

    She didn't believe you that you were in the hospital for being sick that's horrible and didnt come and visit to make sure you were alright? HOW does that work as being a friend with someone :/
    Her logical of thinking is wayyyy off and shes spoiled.

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    Default Re: Possessive friend

    Set some boundaries !
    Don't answer her calls / texts the same day and if you *want* to put time with her on the calendar plan it ahead and don't let her guilt you into giving more time than you can spare .

    If you are being honest, you probably care for her but are bored of her + have a time relating to her lack of hustle.

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    Default Re: Possessive friend

    Yes I agree, for me a friendship doesn't mean spending all the free time with someone or to set& attend obligatory meetings, but to offer help and support when it's needed.

    I was rethinking this in the past few days and came to conclusion, that I just shouldn't take her so seriously anymore. She didn't have any problem about not contacting me when she had a lot of things going on in her life, and now when she's bored, she's trying to guilt me because I'm not acting the way she wants me to.

    From now on, I will only meet her when I'll be in the mood for it and when I'll have time. If she'll be ok with it, accept the terms and my restrictions than fine, otherwise I'll conclude that she wasn't a good friend to begin with.

    Yes, I do care for her and will still try to get her out of the house, so she could get some social life, but I will also let her know, that I won't take any responsibility for her boredom. She can't only depend on one person and it is entirely up to her, if she wants to make any change in her life.

    Thank you for all the advice.

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