I've been running into the same problem since I started sex work a few years ago. Before it was ominous and visceral, but I had no real words to put to it.
But I think I've found it, and I'm not sure what to do with it.
Background:
My sexual trauma almost exclusively involves someone pursuing me and acting on that pursuit without my consent. My natural survival instinct here is to act like I enjoy what is happening and wait for the opportunity to leave. I am in trauma therapy to address these things.
What I Believe To Be The Trouble:
Acting out something for someone else's sexual gratification is pretty much exactly what I do as a camgirl and PSO. Because this, almost so obviously, mirrors my sexual trauma, the experiences I have online are bringing up traumatic feelings.
What Do I Do Now:
I have some ideas. Before, the feeling kept getting so intense and I didn't know where it was coming from or why so the only thing I could do to relieve it was take a break from what I was doing (stripping, camming, PSO).
Now that I have a clear and distinct understanding of what the feeling is and where it is coming from, what do I do with that?
Because, while these things are so similar, they are also very different.
For example, I can log off. I can block/ban/tell people to fuck off. I can set my hours. And I'm making a KILLING financially (relative, of course). If I keep doing this and maintain the success I've achieved so far, I can accomplish all of my goals and then some. In many ways this is so EMPOWERING. But, although my intellectual and rational mind can see the differences, I'm not sure how to get that through to my emotional mind.
If you have thoughts or feedback, I'd appreciate it. I know leaving is an option, but it's not one I care to hear about. I've left before and I'm back. I have the power of insight now.
Working through trauma while I continue to develop my financial success through sex work is my goal. If you have tips or tricks on helping me get there, I'm all ears.
Things I've considered but have limited experience with:
- clips/photo sales (for the sheer ability to make money off a one-off experience, and without having to interact with anyone else)
- less-interactive things like texting services, Snapchat sales, etc.
- physical article sales
- giving myself a mandatory decompression period after every call, show, etc.
- establishing a weekly or monthly time off (something regular to look forward to if it is becoming too much)
- establishing a regular schedule (which I somehow haven't done yet)
All that I can think of currently. If you have input, please and thanks in advance.
Warmest wishes,
Vandee


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